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+--- Thread: 3rd day on OGSF (/Thread-3rd-day-on-OGSF)
3rd day on OGSF - findingme - 01-12-2017
Note: This is my first post, a long one. I'm home today with time. Sorry for the length.
I picked up OGSF 2 days ago since I was looking for shame subliminals online. I've been here ever since. My reason? Insecurity with me, seeking a clear, clean, FAST solution. I think I'm not alone, so I share it.
Shame. Subliminals fixing it......... really?
Well, most likely. I listened to other subliminals non-stop prior to OGSF, as I both buy and make my own. Truth being told, I came to Shannon's site seeking to pull his scripts so I could make my own.
And oh yeah. I'm here due to that: shame. Taking other's stuff is replaying my old mental tapes once again. "I can't....I won't.....I'll never.....I'm worthless" That's why I'm here.
I grew up with an alcoholic mom and no dad. My middle brother was (I realize now) my only father figure. My mom never dated again after I was 7 (short bad marriage to a coc addict), so male examples were non-existent. She too grew up around alcohol with both her parents very heavy in it.
I'm in Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) presently, having begun recovery 25 years past. ACA was like the Marines in recovery circles back then, so it didn't affect me much. In fact, it shut me down since I was in an all-or-nothing mentality.
I'm in a 12 step study in ACA presently. We're only in step 2, and I've cried the last two meetings. I've been in a dozen step studies with other 12 step groups............ and I didn't move emotionally. Fear remained. Shame, doubt, terror, anything. GREAT resistance, seeking my old place of hiding from the beasts of imagined fears. I just kept a face on, to "look good". I saddened myself, and I'm seeing that now as I'm gathering courage and directions a little at a time.
I began the subliminals 2 days ago, and I had results unexpected. I'd been listening to OGSF for 4 hours or so, and I went over to do my laundry at my ex-wife's (feelings of anger and abandonment still surface writing that), but she was still at work. She's a dry well to me.
However, my 12 year old daughter was home. She just began puberty, she's only got Mom to model (who brags about being a b****--not joking). I'd learned early and am still learning--both are just wanting to be loved and accepted.
But I'm here, doing my subliminals and recovery work, for me. I can see HER needs. I've just not known my own. It's a daily journey.
Well, my daughter asked if we could go to Dairy Queen. After seconds of me wondering if it were good, I agreed. NOTE: Punishing her via subtle criticism has been my habit. My bad mood from long work hours and not enough sleep has been dominant this last year. I wished to be open, so I said yes.
We went, and I paid attention to my actions and messages to her. I had even expected a stubborn argument, but it didn't happen. I didn't have a NEED to do so (I'm realizing I've punished/hurt her since my ex is an emotional stone. Ie: never wrong, full of herself). Ok.
So we went home. I felt a little empowered. I thought it may be the subliminal working (I took my laptop to my ex's to listen to OGSF). I listened and worked alone back at my ex's, then my ex came home. I decided I should leave. I told my daughter I was leaving, and went into her room.
Unexpectedly, she shared she'd not liked going out with me recently. I asked why, and she shared I always get mad when she prefers to not talk. This has been SOOOO TRUE. I'd have pains of abandonment surface, and I'd grab for her attention. No, I'd basically demand and insist on her giving me attention.
I said something completely not my norm: "It's ok if you don't want to talk."
She replied quickly. "It's NEVER been ok!"
I heard her pain in sharing this. I had done this. I said softly "I know". I also had a sad smile on my face since I felt her pain, but I also felt free from that NEED to demand it.
I hadn't expected that. It kept me playing it :-)
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - findingme - 01-12-2017
I'm on day 3 now, and I'm feeling slightly sad. Aware I've been afraid of having close male and female relationships. One guy PM'd me here, he was honest, and I felt sad since I'd want to have friends like that. However, his action did spurn me on to write here (it was something I could do to help me). I've used forums heavily in my life before, and haven't done so heavily recently. The reason: in female relationships, which can develop in forums, I become confused since I'm more childlike than adult. I become "small" quickly. Interacting with men wakes me up mentally and emotionally. I'm modeled some maturity. (And yes, I've been reading on the AM sub, how it sparks maturity amidst many things. I'm thinking on using it in the future)
But for modeling, I'll take that.
Day 3 observations: I've had OGSF running since around 5PM yesterday. I slept with the silent track on knowing it may keep me awake or have me tired today. I'm leaning towards tired, and I'm not regretting it. I read Bliss' journal on it, and this means things are being shifted in my brain. It'll likely be like growing pains......which is GOOD. Change is GOOD. Staying where I've been, though predictable and "secure" is NOT good.
And I'll take anyone's experience using OGSF. Thanks guys.
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - findingme - 01-12-2017
And do people have different experiences using the silent track vs. the masked tracks?
I'm wondering since I'm using the silent track presently, and I'm a little tired (even after 2 cups of expresso).
I like silent since my awareness is not sidelined listening to the sounds. I'm an audible learner; I learn mostly from what I hear.
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - findingme - 01-12-2017
I've had it running in silent mode all day, avoiding going out, avoiding my sister, even avoiding seeing my daughter as she's out of school.
Ok, there is this twinge of helplessness (an old belief).
ok...I'm stopping the self shaming. I'm not where I'd like to be, but I'm not where I was....this morning. A day has passed.
I desired some music today, so I found one site, listened to symphonic music a while. A half hour ago I googled theta wave and youtube. I'm listening to a 4 hour recording without any affirmations on it, and I'm still running the sub on Media Player.
Question: what different media players do you use when listening to subs with Windows Media Player? I'd run two instances if possible, but I've never done it.
I just tried it doing administrator privelidges. No deal. It just popped up my active Media player window.
Can someone share what you've used to listen to 2 separate things at the same time (music and subs)?
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - findingme - 01-12-2017
(01-12-2017, 02:02 PM)findingme Wrote: I've had it running in silent mode all day, avoiding going out, avoiding my sister, even avoiding seeing my daughter as she's out of school.
Ok, there is this twinge of helplessness (an old belief).
ok...I'm stopping the self shaming. I'm not where I'd like to be, but I'm not where I was....this morning. A day has passed.
I desired some music today, so I found one site, listened to symphonic music a while. A half hour ago I googled theta wave and youtube. I'm listening to a 4 hour recording without any affirmations on it, and I'm still running the sub on Media Player.
Question: what different media players do you use when listening to subs with Windows Media Player? I'd run two instances if possible, but I've never done it.
I just tried it doing administrator privelidges. No deal. It just popped up my active Media player window.
Can someone share what you've used to listen to 2 separate things at the same time (music and subs)?
I found my answer.
I was reading on people's experiences with EPHRA 2.0, and someone mentioned VLC player, which I've used before. I downloaded it and am looping both right now: music on VLC, subs on WMP.
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - findingme - 01-12-2017
Is this progress?
My sister, someone who I really, really don't like, texted me this morning saying she had made some chicken soup for me and invited me over. At 6AM, I felt ok ignoring her.
Explanation: my sister is the last of 4 children, she's 38, and she's a control FREAK. Absolute FREAK. Doesn't listen in conversations, but has a solution/a fix for anything I admit to. I regularly avoid her since she fights me when I disagree with her, which is at every encounter with her.
It's after 6:30PM now, she texted me asking if I got her text, and I don't want to do the "should I be honest?" with her over every probing question she gives since "she knows how to fix ME".
Bulls***!!! I can't resolve her s***. It's emotionally confusing and frustrating since......she never heard me the first time (she truly just doesn't hear me)
I felt kind of guilty realizing this, then read the OGFS script, which pacified me. I'm not up for BS gymnastics (jump HERE, do THAT, say THIS). No way. I'm not into this.
I need to admit to myself too: I often bury this emotion, this kind of truth, for I have no answers for her. She chooses her chaos daily. It simply just p***** me off. Her alpha-ness is what shuts everyone up. I think she has a d***, seeing her bossyness.
Edit: I read my words that I really, really didn't like her.......and guilt and feelings of responsibility for her surfaced. F***! I hate being controlled by her!! (maybe the script is....WORKING.......coooooooolllll!!!!)
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - findingme - 01-12-2017
A last point for today focusing on volume of silent sub.
My daughter came over since she was missing some clothing, and I'd done mine at her house 2 days ago. She came in my room, looked around, and in a minute she asked what the noise was. I wasn't sure what she heard, but assumed it was likely my subs or something in the music.
I turned off the music. She wasn't relieved.
I turned off the subs. Her eyes lit up when I did so. She asked me if I had heard it, and said no. She said it sounded like scratching, a very high pitched noise.
I thanked her since I'd bumped up my silent sub volume up just a bit, fearing I wasn't picking it all up. I'm grateful now, as I'd not had any inner earache (which I've had before playing silent subs too loud). I'm grateful she gave me feedback, as I'd not have caught it. I do prioritize saving my hearing, so I do and did thank her.
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - Darkness - 01-12-2017
Use VLC for subs it's better
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - findingme - 01-12-2017
Thank you Darkness!
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - findingme - 01-13-2017
Day 4
This is very effective stuff.
I woke up my regular time, feeling refreshed. I was like "Wow! I feel good!" 3 minutes later I got on my desktop to check my volume settings on the sub.
My player was not on. When I installed VLC last night, I had a 4 hour music set running on it. I intentionally had turned the replay feature off so I'd have some quiet rest time with the silent subs. When I put the subs on VLC, I forgot to use the replay feature.
Well, my body had relaxed, like really relaxed. I'd read that some people don't use it at night so they can sleep soundly. I had only wondered if I'd experience this, but this sub must tire me out, more than I realize. At work today, I noticed my body recovering from a constant tiredness I'd experienced, and since I used other subs non-stop at home prior to these, I'm actually thinking I've got my processing going all the time. I'm only guessing at this, but it seems logical since I was unnormally relaxed. And liking it.
Maybe because I read Bliss' story, and also since I felt it today.........I was really critical of my coworker I work with all day (but I kept silent). I am really disgusted with his manipulation and exploitation of our boss's biases. The boss likes him and depends on him heavily, yet anyone who's been there over a month knows his name, as he's lazy and expecting the boss to be in his corner if crap hits the fan, which is common. He should have been fired years ago, as so many are regularly. We have a extremely biased and favoring boss who relies on his "circle" of trusted employees. The obvious favoritism is extremely bad.
Why did it piss me off? Corporate rules have been laid down, everyone knows them, yet I'm still expected to believe a single worker's BS of "I'm the exception". Ok, I'm the puss here, being honest. And I imagine, as it's happened before, that the head boss will say "so you're going to throw him under the bus?"
I'm waiting on this fear to disappear. And some is, actually. I imagined me saying clear focused statements to him today, like I was growing up (a desire of mine, since I'm 45)! I've played victim a whole lot in my life, and looking at my thinking, I realize I've been taking that stand. It's extremely debilitating, to say the very least. Shameful too, feeling it now. Playing victim is me saying "I'm depending on you (a real coward) to help me and be fair to me". It's completely dependent on him, the core of victim thinking ("someone ELSE is in charge, not me") Thus the game of constant deceiving and trying to make false impressions. GAG!!! It's a constant game! Barf!!
So the game of BS pissed me off today. I'm being pissed off about my own acceptance of BS on the job. Rant done.
I did have a good experience today asking for help. My sister, who I shared about yesterday, texted me again asking me if I'd come over.
I DIDN'T WANT TO!!
and.........I imagined being disappointed in myself if I went. I had a few texts from guys in recovery doing their daily rounds of reaching out. I asked one for help not knowing best how to handle rejecting my sis. He didn't respond (but I'd just asked for prayer, nothing else).
And I realized......I needed help from a female. Any and every guy on here could have said "blow her off", "tell her no", or anything EASY. This was big, for me. I've been in that childish "she'll......be MAD at me if I say no". Ok, she scares me. A bully in pink. An anger addict. She scares the s*** out of me since she's unpredictable. (Just being honest here). She's cutthroat when needed to be. More BARF.
I texted a woman I've avoided in program about my situation, asking for a female perspective. And I've avoided her since, well, she's cute, AND she's engaged (Grrrr). She gave me the EASY answer, not condescending or bothered in any way. She gave me the exact words, and I texted them to my sis. My sis didn't reply for an hour, but when she did, she said "ok. I'm here if you need me. Bye". Job done!
I asked for help. I asked for help from someone I did not really know. Whose response I couldn't predict. I took a risk, and it worked!!. That's AWESOME!!!!!!
No other crisis' happened today. I'm just more aware of deception and manipulation, both in me and in others. That's enough for today (maybe).
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - findingme - 01-14-2017
I've seen pieces on the alpha male showing up in my life today. Just showing themselves.
I've been eyeing BASE, but....I am actually very interested in AM6 now. I am.
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - About - 01-14-2017
When you're ready, I'd suggest looking at E2. I found for me personally running E2 was better than AM6.
AM6 caused me to grow for sure and I'm a better person because of it, but E2 allowed that better person to show through all the BS that I had ever accumulated.
That being said, both programs are amazing to run through.
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - eternity - 01-15-2017
E2 is ridiculous. It is an absolute gem. It's my favorite sub by IML, and has done so much for me. I'd certainly recommend E2 over any other sub, especially considering your initial post, and the goals you have for yourself regarding personal development in the guilt / shame complex. Am6 will be much more effective after a solid clearing foundation
RE: 3rd day on OGSF - Shannon - 01-15-2017
I see Ben read your first post and missed the fact that it violates Rule #4. Please correct for that.
By the way, the script library gives you the base script for the 3/4G programs, but not the meta-script or the higher level scripts. Hope you're enjoying my stuff.
