08-06-2016, 03:39 AM
Day 131
Ok, so I've been meaning to post something for a couple of days, but haven't been able to decide what. I have experienced a clear shift in this, and I'd like to explain it, but its mostly experiential stuff (ie. an experience), so I don't want to try to capture it into some (false) rigid logical puzzle. I actually had the thought that I could probably teach this quite well in person (its a presence thing) - and that I'm probably making quite a bit of effect on the gf.
Anyway, some random notes (might post more later as I need to go soon):
+ I've been really into getting in great shape again. Studied the Kinobody programs (WSP, and that Radu fellow on youtube), been doing (proper) IF daily again and been tracking my calories and protein for 2+ weeks now. Also doing the KB WSP gym routine, which is primarily based on increasing strength in the 4-8 rep range. I've been eating a LOT of crap since I started on OGSF 5G before E2, but now it finally flipped 2 weeks ago. I don't have that much to cut; in 1-2 months I'll be at 9% and then I'll do 2 weeks maintenance, and then onto a slight surplus.
+ I'm sort of disillusioned from fear and the more sadness-feeling woes. I've had a lot of time to just be lately, and I switched from earphones only to just playing the ultrasonic on speakers for almost the whole day, plus Stream through sleep phones at night. Could be that US track made the resistance so strong, abundant and clear (plus I listened through the Practicing the power of now audiobook 2-3 times), that I sort of went "fuck this, I don't want to this anymore" - "this" meaning to create tension (=discomfort) by resisting.
+ Realized what Tolle was saying: the emotions are not me - so I need not identify with them. Maybe a bit more in the style of Alan Watts (contrasting), on mt table before me, I see (observe) a pen. I see a big-ass TV near the opposite wall. I see them, thus they're external to myself, thus they are not me. In the same way, I "see" (mostly feel as a sort of cloud of energy) a fear response, or a sadness, or physical pain, or a thought, or even mind processes. Tolle says to observe the Painbody, which I think is good in that it even magnifies the distinction when you sort of label the collection of those emotions like it was another person (Pain Body, lol), so its definitely not you. I have been observing emotions for a long time, but I think what this did to me was it took away the shame and guilt and feelings of inadequacy that arose with the feelings. For example, when I felt fear I was also ashamed that I was afraid when I should already not be - and then my priority was to make it go away (exert control over it) so that I (ego) would remain intact. Because who I want to be, and I guess who I think I am, is not afraid, so if I experience fear, then I'll also get quilt over being "wrong", and not being able to control it, or something like that. Anyway, disconnecting me (as the observer, who I cannot observe myself) from the emotions (all that I observe) just reduces them to sort of objects - like the pen before me. There's a reason they there, they won't just vanish, but now it makes no sense at all to resist their existence. For example, "the painbody" is there because my mind has learned through experience that I should be very careful in situation X, so what it does is that is brings up this sensation that I observe currently. Often the sensation too strong that, effectively, I cannot freely do the actions I might like to, but that's just because the strength of it is so distracting to my senses that my attention keeps getting drawn to it. It does not actually have any power over me. No matter how scared I felt, I could still just let it be and do what I wanted to - its just distracting. Maybe there could be so much that I'd have a heart attack, BUT I have a theory that it'd still not be the fear exerting control over my physical body - it'd actually be me resisting the feeling of fear, and I'd resist so hard in the wrong places as to physically mess myself up. So the fear was just a ghost, and, scared of it, I willingly jumped off a cliff to my death.
+ Resistance. (ah shit, I need to get going already...) My working theory is that, initially something happens and the person feel fear. The fear is felt as a sharp pain. The normal reaction to sharp pain is to do anything is one's power to quickly make it go away. With no lions to run away from, one often cannot physically do much in the face of, say social fears. So, one learns that he can apply tension (not sure if this is always muscular, or somehow mental) to dampen the feeling. Fear --> pain, tension (=resistance) --> no pain. So then you have all these fears and traumas that don't get dealt with, because every time they arise, they're (now subconsciously) immediately dampened by learned tension. One thus ends up thinking there is no fear, there's only "normal" discomfort in a lot of situations. I never show fear, nor do I think I have it, but instead I keep myself very controlled. I exert effort to keep myself controlled. From what do you think that is? "Being non reactive".
+ For example, a part of my work is that I need to deal with math of a specific type, and learn it from various, often poorly-written sources. I set aside some time to study a couple days ago, and I noticed I just kinda don't want to do, and had the urge to do something else instead - but caught myself in the middle of switching. Symptoms: I must somehow generate enough motivation to this work even for short amounts of time; with time-based pressure, coffee, adequate sleep, etc. I'll only do it for a short amount of time, and then I'll get distracted so easily. When I've been forced to it at 110% efficiency for a couple weeks, I've felt really burnt out. I get fidgety, I don't feel creative at all. Now to think of it, I feel a lot of tension when doing it. Resistance. This resistance makes me wheel like crap, do I really want to keep creating more of this for myself (since resistance does actually not work in affecting external situations)? What's behind it - what am I protecting myself against? So what eventually unveils is that (now familiar) feeling of trying to do and figure out anything and everything I can, and kicking and screaming in resistance on the floor like a baby, but just being unable to the get HOW I could possibly do this.. thing, whatever it is. Kind of desperation, and the ultimate loss of control, because there's nothing I can do anymore. So I'll just start slowly relaxing the tension that's masking this, and then I'll let it be and flow as easily as I can. I'll get this image of feeling utterly helpless in front of someone, and I see the urge to then run away, but I relax it, because there's no reason why I couldn't just stay and the feeling be. Oddly, at the other side of that sharp step of a total loss of control is actually total freedom. Its really, really different. You're standing there, with the same strength of energy in your body, basically, but in resistance mode, you're trying to dampen all that energy by applying opposite tension and its draining the hell out of you, and then suddenly by just letting it be you're still standing there, but all this previously pent-up energy is actually overflowing from you and you're not even feeling twitchy or anything, just energized like never before. I can just feel it now, its there's a sun under my chest blasting through, or some huge stream of water flowing up and out of my chest. Surreal. Wow. So anyway, getting to that basic emotion, I can see its the same thing I'm resisting in some other contexts as well. Another basic feeling is feeling like I need to escape from the spotlight of attention people are giving me, because they'll see that I can't do or be or learn or perform in the way I should or want to.. so that's also about losing control, specifically about being utterly helpless right there in front of, and on the mercy of everybody. I can do the disconnect with this. What's interesting is, remembering that bit about not identifying with the emotions, and thus having no shame over them, when I stop resisting them, I suddenly feel something like pride in having them and showing them to others. Its like I'm proud of all this beautiful energy that I have, and its also like I'm actually saying a lot or communicating with it, even though I have no thoughts to verbalize. Sharing something, I guess.
+ I am slowly trying to move more towards the state I described above in my normal life. Its there, but I haven't had to chance to interact much in it, yet. Yesterday, when I was really feeling it hard, I went to the grocery store and there was this kinda cure chick that I've been having some surprising moments with at the cash register. Not even sure if what I did could be considered flirting, but holy fuck there was a lot fear-energy flowing around in my body! Caught myself habitually tensing up, and it just went away, then I relaxed/opened, and it was all there again. Again, its just surreal.
+ I can access this most easily when I'm in a fasted state. Maybe its the adrenaline, I don't know. Dies down when I eat, though its still there occasionally.
+ Oh, one more thing about productivity on E2. According to me view on using tension/resistance as a dampener of fear and such, it implies that we life in constant state of low-level tension (=fear). Its not really a choice to keep it up, its just a learned response, like the reflex to pull the hand away from the burning stove, which causes pain. Emotional pain -> resist by applying tension. So, with this in place, the only way one can become very motivated is to have the emotions felt labeled as motivation become so much greater in magnitude than the low-level tension that attention is drawn onto them naturally, and thus away from the fear-tension. (considering meditation, intense focus on an object can, I hear, cause the mind to let go of all muscle tension, so maybe its does also dissolve with enough focus on motivation...) - while it last. I definitely could be wrong, but what AM and such do is they go the "normal" route of getting to user to man up and apply more tension to overcome the base-level tension, and thus get shit done. E2, on the other hand, works by reducing all tension, but the tension is what's keeping the emotional pain dampened, and also from being processed. I wrote in Shannon's journal that I felt like I have no tools to work with anymore, and that I felt I cannot do stuff anymore. I think this is because "to do" is in my mind equated with that adding more and more tension to overcome friction, and if my ability to apply a lot of tension is gone, then my tools are gone, and I'm powerless. I think the E2 way is to do stuff in total relaxation. Now considering that initially E2 brings up a lot of stuff, and that I especially was constantly resisting that stuff, I was so distracted in it that the motivation to do stuff was buried way beneath it. Its still very wobbly, but its better, and I think that it comes down to the amount of resistance I apply to everything. If I don't resist, fears and urges are just very bright-colored ghosts, and I just need to adjust my eyes for a while to see through them again. If I resist, I manifest them as real tension that is as physical as I am.
+ Yes, I'm rambling. Feels like I'm just journaling to myself, if anyone read this, please remember that I consider all I say as strictly my opinion. I don't have much interest in a philosophical debate, I'm just trying to learn as I go along. It seems I'm also afraid of being critiqued, lol.
+ Trying to stay off the forum as much as I can. Reduces mental noise a lot, because I don't compare subs as much. AM/BASE/DMSI/SM are all choices. The obsession over women has been lessening a lot, so I'm not really sure how to weight my options for the coming years. I find a lot of the discomfort in a relationship comes down to resistance as well.
+ Sigh. Yeah one more thing is that, I though if I'd be very open, then people are going to be very mean to me, and it'll hurt. Helped a lot to see that, actually if they are being "mean", its not actually them. Their painbody is being triggered by something, and what I observe as an attack towards me, is actually just them identifying with their painbodies, and then acting as the painbody "tells" them to. And I them perceive that as an attack - so in a way I'm still identified with their painbody (or is it mine, idk). So it sort of helps to see both sides, and then its just the emotional conditioning and whatever hurt and at times accidentally believing those ghosts are real that causing the drama or the suspicion and carefulness between me and "the asshole" for example, but kind of behind it (s)he's a lot like me, it that he is an observer. And of course the he who is the observer is the only thing that I as the observer cannot observe, and thus maybe it is eventually the same observer identified as two distinct personal, but yeah.. not quite there yet :D
Have a nice weekend!
Ok, so I've been meaning to post something for a couple of days, but haven't been able to decide what. I have experienced a clear shift in this, and I'd like to explain it, but its mostly experiential stuff (ie. an experience), so I don't want to try to capture it into some (false) rigid logical puzzle. I actually had the thought that I could probably teach this quite well in person (its a presence thing) - and that I'm probably making quite a bit of effect on the gf.
Anyway, some random notes (might post more later as I need to go soon):
+ I've been really into getting in great shape again. Studied the Kinobody programs (WSP, and that Radu fellow on youtube), been doing (proper) IF daily again and been tracking my calories and protein for 2+ weeks now. Also doing the KB WSP gym routine, which is primarily based on increasing strength in the 4-8 rep range. I've been eating a LOT of crap since I started on OGSF 5G before E2, but now it finally flipped 2 weeks ago. I don't have that much to cut; in 1-2 months I'll be at 9% and then I'll do 2 weeks maintenance, and then onto a slight surplus.
+ I'm sort of disillusioned from fear and the more sadness-feeling woes. I've had a lot of time to just be lately, and I switched from earphones only to just playing the ultrasonic on speakers for almost the whole day, plus Stream through sleep phones at night. Could be that US track made the resistance so strong, abundant and clear (plus I listened through the Practicing the power of now audiobook 2-3 times), that I sort of went "fuck this, I don't want to this anymore" - "this" meaning to create tension (=discomfort) by resisting.
+ Realized what Tolle was saying: the emotions are not me - so I need not identify with them. Maybe a bit more in the style of Alan Watts (contrasting), on mt table before me, I see (observe) a pen. I see a big-ass TV near the opposite wall. I see them, thus they're external to myself, thus they are not me. In the same way, I "see" (mostly feel as a sort of cloud of energy) a fear response, or a sadness, or physical pain, or a thought, or even mind processes. Tolle says to observe the Painbody, which I think is good in that it even magnifies the distinction when you sort of label the collection of those emotions like it was another person (Pain Body, lol), so its definitely not you. I have been observing emotions for a long time, but I think what this did to me was it took away the shame and guilt and feelings of inadequacy that arose with the feelings. For example, when I felt fear I was also ashamed that I was afraid when I should already not be - and then my priority was to make it go away (exert control over it) so that I (ego) would remain intact. Because who I want to be, and I guess who I think I am, is not afraid, so if I experience fear, then I'll also get quilt over being "wrong", and not being able to control it, or something like that. Anyway, disconnecting me (as the observer, who I cannot observe myself) from the emotions (all that I observe) just reduces them to sort of objects - like the pen before me. There's a reason they there, they won't just vanish, but now it makes no sense at all to resist their existence. For example, "the painbody" is there because my mind has learned through experience that I should be very careful in situation X, so what it does is that is brings up this sensation that I observe currently. Often the sensation too strong that, effectively, I cannot freely do the actions I might like to, but that's just because the strength of it is so distracting to my senses that my attention keeps getting drawn to it. It does not actually have any power over me. No matter how scared I felt, I could still just let it be and do what I wanted to - its just distracting. Maybe there could be so much that I'd have a heart attack, BUT I have a theory that it'd still not be the fear exerting control over my physical body - it'd actually be me resisting the feeling of fear, and I'd resist so hard in the wrong places as to physically mess myself up. So the fear was just a ghost, and, scared of it, I willingly jumped off a cliff to my death.
+ Resistance. (ah shit, I need to get going already...) My working theory is that, initially something happens and the person feel fear. The fear is felt as a sharp pain. The normal reaction to sharp pain is to do anything is one's power to quickly make it go away. With no lions to run away from, one often cannot physically do much in the face of, say social fears. So, one learns that he can apply tension (not sure if this is always muscular, or somehow mental) to dampen the feeling. Fear --> pain, tension (=resistance) --> no pain. So then you have all these fears and traumas that don't get dealt with, because every time they arise, they're (now subconsciously) immediately dampened by learned tension. One thus ends up thinking there is no fear, there's only "normal" discomfort in a lot of situations. I never show fear, nor do I think I have it, but instead I keep myself very controlled. I exert effort to keep myself controlled. From what do you think that is? "Being non reactive".
+ For example, a part of my work is that I need to deal with math of a specific type, and learn it from various, often poorly-written sources. I set aside some time to study a couple days ago, and I noticed I just kinda don't want to do, and had the urge to do something else instead - but caught myself in the middle of switching. Symptoms: I must somehow generate enough motivation to this work even for short amounts of time; with time-based pressure, coffee, adequate sleep, etc. I'll only do it for a short amount of time, and then I'll get distracted so easily. When I've been forced to it at 110% efficiency for a couple weeks, I've felt really burnt out. I get fidgety, I don't feel creative at all. Now to think of it, I feel a lot of tension when doing it. Resistance. This resistance makes me wheel like crap, do I really want to keep creating more of this for myself (since resistance does actually not work in affecting external situations)? What's behind it - what am I protecting myself against? So what eventually unveils is that (now familiar) feeling of trying to do and figure out anything and everything I can, and kicking and screaming in resistance on the floor like a baby, but just being unable to the get HOW I could possibly do this.. thing, whatever it is. Kind of desperation, and the ultimate loss of control, because there's nothing I can do anymore. So I'll just start slowly relaxing the tension that's masking this, and then I'll let it be and flow as easily as I can. I'll get this image of feeling utterly helpless in front of someone, and I see the urge to then run away, but I relax it, because there's no reason why I couldn't just stay and the feeling be. Oddly, at the other side of that sharp step of a total loss of control is actually total freedom. Its really, really different. You're standing there, with the same strength of energy in your body, basically, but in resistance mode, you're trying to dampen all that energy by applying opposite tension and its draining the hell out of you, and then suddenly by just letting it be you're still standing there, but all this previously pent-up energy is actually overflowing from you and you're not even feeling twitchy or anything, just energized like never before. I can just feel it now, its there's a sun under my chest blasting through, or some huge stream of water flowing up and out of my chest. Surreal. Wow. So anyway, getting to that basic emotion, I can see its the same thing I'm resisting in some other contexts as well. Another basic feeling is feeling like I need to escape from the spotlight of attention people are giving me, because they'll see that I can't do or be or learn or perform in the way I should or want to.. so that's also about losing control, specifically about being utterly helpless right there in front of, and on the mercy of everybody. I can do the disconnect with this. What's interesting is, remembering that bit about not identifying with the emotions, and thus having no shame over them, when I stop resisting them, I suddenly feel something like pride in having them and showing them to others. Its like I'm proud of all this beautiful energy that I have, and its also like I'm actually saying a lot or communicating with it, even though I have no thoughts to verbalize. Sharing something, I guess.
+ I am slowly trying to move more towards the state I described above in my normal life. Its there, but I haven't had to chance to interact much in it, yet. Yesterday, when I was really feeling it hard, I went to the grocery store and there was this kinda cure chick that I've been having some surprising moments with at the cash register. Not even sure if what I did could be considered flirting, but holy fuck there was a lot fear-energy flowing around in my body! Caught myself habitually tensing up, and it just went away, then I relaxed/opened, and it was all there again. Again, its just surreal.
+ I can access this most easily when I'm in a fasted state. Maybe its the adrenaline, I don't know. Dies down when I eat, though its still there occasionally.
+ Oh, one more thing about productivity on E2. According to me view on using tension/resistance as a dampener of fear and such, it implies that we life in constant state of low-level tension (=fear). Its not really a choice to keep it up, its just a learned response, like the reflex to pull the hand away from the burning stove, which causes pain. Emotional pain -> resist by applying tension. So, with this in place, the only way one can become very motivated is to have the emotions felt labeled as motivation become so much greater in magnitude than the low-level tension that attention is drawn onto them naturally, and thus away from the fear-tension. (considering meditation, intense focus on an object can, I hear, cause the mind to let go of all muscle tension, so maybe its does also dissolve with enough focus on motivation...) - while it last. I definitely could be wrong, but what AM and such do is they go the "normal" route of getting to user to man up and apply more tension to overcome the base-level tension, and thus get shit done. E2, on the other hand, works by reducing all tension, but the tension is what's keeping the emotional pain dampened, and also from being processed. I wrote in Shannon's journal that I felt like I have no tools to work with anymore, and that I felt I cannot do stuff anymore. I think this is because "to do" is in my mind equated with that adding more and more tension to overcome friction, and if my ability to apply a lot of tension is gone, then my tools are gone, and I'm powerless. I think the E2 way is to do stuff in total relaxation. Now considering that initially E2 brings up a lot of stuff, and that I especially was constantly resisting that stuff, I was so distracted in it that the motivation to do stuff was buried way beneath it. Its still very wobbly, but its better, and I think that it comes down to the amount of resistance I apply to everything. If I don't resist, fears and urges are just very bright-colored ghosts, and I just need to adjust my eyes for a while to see through them again. If I resist, I manifest them as real tension that is as physical as I am.
+ Yes, I'm rambling. Feels like I'm just journaling to myself, if anyone read this, please remember that I consider all I say as strictly my opinion. I don't have much interest in a philosophical debate, I'm just trying to learn as I go along. It seems I'm also afraid of being critiqued, lol.
+ Trying to stay off the forum as much as I can. Reduces mental noise a lot, because I don't compare subs as much. AM/BASE/DMSI/SM are all choices. The obsession over women has been lessening a lot, so I'm not really sure how to weight my options for the coming years. I find a lot of the discomfort in a relationship comes down to resistance as well.
+ Sigh. Yeah one more thing is that, I though if I'd be very open, then people are going to be very mean to me, and it'll hurt. Helped a lot to see that, actually if they are being "mean", its not actually them. Their painbody is being triggered by something, and what I observe as an attack towards me, is actually just them identifying with their painbodies, and then acting as the painbody "tells" them to. And I them perceive that as an attack - so in a way I'm still identified with their painbody (or is it mine, idk). So it sort of helps to see both sides, and then its just the emotional conditioning and whatever hurt and at times accidentally believing those ghosts are real that causing the drama or the suspicion and carefulness between me and "the asshole" for example, but kind of behind it (s)he's a lot like me, it that he is an observer. And of course the he who is the observer is the only thing that I as the observer cannot observe, and thus maybe it is eventually the same observer identified as two distinct personal, but yeah.. not quite there yet :D
Have a nice weekend!
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
