JAKE'S EHPRA 2.0

[Jake2015]

Day 1 Continued - Thoughts/Experiences etc.

So I finished my 1hour listening at around 11pm my time.

I was feeling little sleepy as mentioned, but I then didn't want to sleep and wanted to eat something. I also spent much time writing the journal and then spent even longer reading journals and replying to comments here.

Eventually I ate and got to bed at around 3am. I couldn't sleep until 5 or 6am. I know shocking right.

I then woke up a few times during the night. Someone called me at around 10am, I woke, saw their name and decided its best I catch up on my sleep and fell back to sleep.

I woke at 1-2pm today. Its now 3.12am and besides having brushed my teeth and had a hot drink, I'm sat here wanting to get this out before I hit the shower and get on with my day.

At some point between the 10am phone ring and my 1.30pm-ish wake up I had a dream. The dream felt like it was near to 1pm time to be honest.

I don't know if the dream is due to the sub, or significant or not or if its due to my late night snack (4 toast with square slices of cheese) and coca cola (don't judge ok) lol

So in this dream, I go with my family to some relatives home, I think for a wedding celebration get together. It seemed that way from the general vibe though nothing in the dream made it clear and specific.

In this dream I met relatives I didn't like and shook their hands and then went into the kitchen where some of the female relatives and aunts were gathered. I think I went with my sister so I followed her.

I then saw a relative i didn't even know but in the dream assumed she was the sister of an aunt or cousin, as she looked a tiny amount similar to 1 of them but if you asked me now who she was I wouldn't really know.

Anyway as she saw me she looked me up and down and immediately commented on my weight and said how has this happened. He was so slim and whatever and now, what happened.

I felt conscious as she was looking my up and down as I know myself I am not the way I was in my prime (and even now I have no real understanding of how I got to this shape, since my eating habit hasnt really changed and yet I was once slim and in shape). For me losing hair too has had an effect on my esteem for sure I'm sure which then has probably contributed to comfort eating which has contributed to me losing shape and sex appeal for sure.

Anyway during her looking me up and down I felt self conscious, but when she made the comment, I let out a laughter in the dream at her. My laughter was at her audacity and rudeness as well as her seemingly pointing out a flaw rather than just being happy to see me. Obviously I know if I was in her place then id think the same about someone who looks totally different and fatter than how I once knew them, but to vocalise it I doubt I would be so rude or want to affect their esteem in this way.

Anyway in the dream, i felt my sister was quiet and embarrassed. She didn't or couldn't stick up for me and I didn't say anything else, my laughter was enough and it was a genuine laugh not something just for a rebuttal but a genuine laugh at her even mentioning it lol

Then a cousin or some kid I don't know called me over to go with him to someone else's home down the street, where all the fun kids and adults were gathered playing xbox etc. So I went with him, it was night time (maybe 10pm maybe 11pm) in the winter/autumn seasons as it was dark and the street lights/lamp posts were lit. As we walked down the street....I woke from my slumber.

When I woke, I immediately had a feeling of embarrassment of being this heavy weight and embarrassment of thinking "is this how my immediate family, and now my friends and peers at my new university see me, and the girl at uni that I simply can't take my eyes off too?".

I felt like my weight has to go and change. I know this, I have hope that this summer I can put into effect my new daily lifestyle plans of eating right and exercising as well as learning better study skills and habits for year 2 of uni.

I also felt that these feelings will eventually go, because I realised this is my immediate feeling after this dream, but there are 24hours in the day and I know from living life already that my feelings will change as the day progresses.

Rightly so, maybe 2hours since waking up I'm more relaxed again and more in tune with what I'm doing now...yeh right now...yeah typing this lol and also with my plan of eating something then hitting the shower. Yeah I'm gonna eat first I think.

So what do you all think? is this the way the sub works? or any of the subs work when they make you dream etc? is this a clearing of some kind?

I haven't had any experience with a sub working and this now is the first time as you all have read where I will be able to listen for 8hours a day every day I hope without fail so I'm expecting my life to improve in many ways.

I also know that my reason for picking this sub was because many here had kindly guided and advised I start on this but I agree and so my reason really is because I want to clear my procrastination and any fears ....yes any fears, or avoidance issues or obstacles in my path to studying and achieving high grades at uni and later in life.

However I'm fully aware that this is my reason for this sub, but this sub will work on what it works on which is everything and anything within my subsconcious that it sees are garbage, sticky residue or honey...na, sticky tar I think and slabs of wood and broken concrete that need shifting to allow the inner me to glow (I should be a writer lol).

So after just 1 hour listening I'm wondering, was this the subs effect on me, or was this dream just me? what do you all think?

1 thing I love about this sub and why I'm also using it, indirectly, and I mean this sincerely, since my primary aim is what I listed above but something that i know this sub will work on anyway, though its not a primary concern for me, is my self esteem, self worth, self responsibility and all that jazz that self help gurus and guys that regurgitate metaphysical marketing all say in what makes us our ideal selves....so I'm all for that!!!!

Ill be beginning day 2, 2hours listening later today..... The Saga Continues.