05-17-2016, 10:26 AM
Day 73
This (concentration) meditation is making me angry, tired and insecure, wary. Not confident, even bitter. On the other hand its making me focused, sharp, strong, alpha. Sometimes amazingly happy if I deliberately take myself there (out of meditation). Right now its mostly insecure and tired.
Its like E2 puts on this happy vibe and nothing bad "sticks" to it. And in some ways it seems with more meditation that vibe can fade away. Maybe its just that I'm having a bad day, or maybe I'm more in touch with what's going on, or being processed, under the surface (I understand E2 is designed to "mask" it in some way). Or maybe its a phase in my early practice.
Its like the difference between having just opened that first cold beer and sitting down outside, taking in the sun and sights, complete blissful relaxation vs. having just studied several hours for an exam when you know the material perfectly and you know and are focused on on the exact steps you're gonna do next to kill it at the exam. On a good day the latter is confident and energetic, on a bad day its tired and "don't look at me". Today was the 1st time I've felt like "don't look at me" in months - I've been feeling really good and expressive. But if E2 requires that I'm not sharp and focused, then I'm going to do another program. No use living in a pink pillow, since that's not the end goal. But I do think and hope this is just a phase.
ION: even the girl at the candy shop is sad that I'm moving out, and says to make sure I visit her often. Feels good to get these surprisingly warm and genuine-feeling responses from all kinds of people.
This (concentration) meditation is making me angry, tired and insecure, wary. Not confident, even bitter. On the other hand its making me focused, sharp, strong, alpha. Sometimes amazingly happy if I deliberately take myself there (out of meditation). Right now its mostly insecure and tired.
Its like E2 puts on this happy vibe and nothing bad "sticks" to it. And in some ways it seems with more meditation that vibe can fade away. Maybe its just that I'm having a bad day, or maybe I'm more in touch with what's going on, or being processed, under the surface (I understand E2 is designed to "mask" it in some way). Or maybe its a phase in my early practice.
Its like the difference between having just opened that first cold beer and sitting down outside, taking in the sun and sights, complete blissful relaxation vs. having just studied several hours for an exam when you know the material perfectly and you know and are focused on on the exact steps you're gonna do next to kill it at the exam. On a good day the latter is confident and energetic, on a bad day its tired and "don't look at me". Today was the 1st time I've felt like "don't look at me" in months - I've been feeling really good and expressive. But if E2 requires that I'm not sharp and focused, then I'm going to do another program. No use living in a pink pillow, since that's not the end goal. But I do think and hope this is just a phase.
ION: even the girl at the candy shop is sad that I'm moving out, and says to make sure I visit her often. Feels good to get these surprisingly warm and genuine-feeling responses from all kinds of people.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
