03-24-2016, 12:19 PM
*deep breath*... so.
Day 18
I haven't been feeling too special, but today I was feeling disgustingly happy. Really, to the point of obnoxious. Then in the evening I got a call from my mother. There was some talk that I might visit either my parents or my sister, but now I'm visiting my sister. She got all emotional about, cried on the phone and what not. She's been using guilt on me plenty times before, so I sort of expect it. This time, though, I could hear she didn't mean for it and tried to brush it off and kind of explained and it was actually kind of heart breaking, as short as the call was.
So, I was doing something else for a while and then when I was free it started brewing in my mind. I wanted to be angry and shout at her from pulling those guilt trips on me again, but then I was sad because I understood she didn't mean it, where she was coming from and how she'd feel that way. I wanted to do something, but I wasn't going to start changing my plans that I was looking forward to and obeying against my will like a good boy the instant somebody starts crying a bit. I also didn't want to put my foot down and lecture her (again) on her behavior, my limits and whatnot, because then I'd just be letting out steam and she'd feel worse. So I felt stuck.
Started just sitting with emotions and using tapping to "not get stuck in them" like I see it. So not f-eft -style breaking the state by alternating in and out, but just being with them and kind of controlling my distance/attachment to the emotions by varying how much I'm focusing on the emotional content vs. feeling my fingers and body. Might've used some Sedona as well. Same purpose: feel it while not getting stuck in it (being in a pro-release state). Anyway, went through my childhood a lot. Realized there's a strong line of feeling trapped in there. In multiple occasions, I mean. Events, conversations, just in general of having to be somewhere I didn't want to be, making small talk with people I didn't want to talk with, staying quiet while my mum was talking about me to everyone like I wasn't there or couldn't talk for myself, and stuff like that.
Loads later I felt pretty good and it was clear I just wanted to call her in good spirits and just explain that I don't like when anyone feels bad over something I do, but that I'm not going to come this time. I ended up explaining exactly why I don't like being there and all and it went really well, she was happy I called and yeah all ok, normal. Then once I felt clear I just realized that hey I could just visit quickly tomorrow. That'd fit my plans perfectly well and I'd have time to read on the train, get back early and all. Then I thought I could ask a friend (relative) to join me. Called him and offered to pay for gas and that there's going to this huge steak and other food that she's made. He didn't have plans and said of course. Called my mum and she was beyond happy. And I'm looking forward to it, because I get the food and its nice to visit, and I don't have to feel so trapped because I made it short & sweet like I wanted to. So everyone's happy. I felt immensely proud of myself at that point, and then after letting go of that was quite overwhelmed.
Its just funny how when I'm conflicted or feeling bad about something, I can only see bad and worse options. Soon as the fog clears I'll realize there's a perfectly good solution right in front of me.
There's something else going on too. I've now had 3 very good conversations where I've been quite open about my wants and feeling, motivations. The effect of fog clearing was there too. And then today as I was going through the memories and stuff I was actually thinking that hey this something I want to discuss with this and this person (thought of 3) when I see them the day after tomorrow, etc. I'll tell you, not long ago I would definitely not have looked forward to getting into those kinds of conversations by my own choosing.
I think its also interesting how these understandings where both parties feel good about a conflict can be reached by very openly seeking to understand, be understood, and relate. Because I used to just have this attitude that I have to hold on to my rights, my borders, to not get stepped on, be alpha, and all that. All that gets you is separation and a stalemate where you might get what you want, but neither party really feels good about it. There is the conflict, but it seems if this mutual understanding can be reached and I'm at ease, then it might turn out there's another option, or that the already existing options aren't so bad after all.
Day 18
I haven't been feeling too special, but today I was feeling disgustingly happy. Really, to the point of obnoxious. Then in the evening I got a call from my mother. There was some talk that I might visit either my parents or my sister, but now I'm visiting my sister. She got all emotional about, cried on the phone and what not. She's been using guilt on me plenty times before, so I sort of expect it. This time, though, I could hear she didn't mean for it and tried to brush it off and kind of explained and it was actually kind of heart breaking, as short as the call was.
So, I was doing something else for a while and then when I was free it started brewing in my mind. I wanted to be angry and shout at her from pulling those guilt trips on me again, but then I was sad because I understood she didn't mean it, where she was coming from and how she'd feel that way. I wanted to do something, but I wasn't going to start changing my plans that I was looking forward to and obeying against my will like a good boy the instant somebody starts crying a bit. I also didn't want to put my foot down and lecture her (again) on her behavior, my limits and whatnot, because then I'd just be letting out steam and she'd feel worse. So I felt stuck.
Started just sitting with emotions and using tapping to "not get stuck in them" like I see it. So not f-eft -style breaking the state by alternating in and out, but just being with them and kind of controlling my distance/attachment to the emotions by varying how much I'm focusing on the emotional content vs. feeling my fingers and body. Might've used some Sedona as well. Same purpose: feel it while not getting stuck in it (being in a pro-release state). Anyway, went through my childhood a lot. Realized there's a strong line of feeling trapped in there. In multiple occasions, I mean. Events, conversations, just in general of having to be somewhere I didn't want to be, making small talk with people I didn't want to talk with, staying quiet while my mum was talking about me to everyone like I wasn't there or couldn't talk for myself, and stuff like that.
Loads later I felt pretty good and it was clear I just wanted to call her in good spirits and just explain that I don't like when anyone feels bad over something I do, but that I'm not going to come this time. I ended up explaining exactly why I don't like being there and all and it went really well, she was happy I called and yeah all ok, normal. Then once I felt clear I just realized that hey I could just visit quickly tomorrow. That'd fit my plans perfectly well and I'd have time to read on the train, get back early and all. Then I thought I could ask a friend (relative) to join me. Called him and offered to pay for gas and that there's going to this huge steak and other food that she's made. He didn't have plans and said of course. Called my mum and she was beyond happy. And I'm looking forward to it, because I get the food and its nice to visit, and I don't have to feel so trapped because I made it short & sweet like I wanted to. So everyone's happy. I felt immensely proud of myself at that point, and then after letting go of that was quite overwhelmed.
Its just funny how when I'm conflicted or feeling bad about something, I can only see bad and worse options. Soon as the fog clears I'll realize there's a perfectly good solution right in front of me.
There's something else going on too. I've now had 3 very good conversations where I've been quite open about my wants and feeling, motivations. The effect of fog clearing was there too. And then today as I was going through the memories and stuff I was actually thinking that hey this something I want to discuss with this and this person (thought of 3) when I see them the day after tomorrow, etc. I'll tell you, not long ago I would definitely not have looked forward to getting into those kinds of conversations by my own choosing.
I think its also interesting how these understandings where both parties feel good about a conflict can be reached by very openly seeking to understand, be understood, and relate. Because I used to just have this attitude that I have to hold on to my rights, my borders, to not get stepped on, be alpha, and all that. All that gets you is separation and a stalemate where you might get what you want, but neither party really feels good about it. There is the conflict, but it seems if this mutual understanding can be reached and I'm at ease, then it might turn out there's another option, or that the already existing options aren't so bad after all.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
