Day 26
Dreamt of loss, sorrow, maybe regret. Odd dreams. In one I found the back portion of a cut-to-half very small baby pig, impaled on a stick. In the other one, I was with a group in something that had escalated towards war even.. I was saying to the guys "you know if they capture you they're going to torture you to learn what you know... I never meant for it to get this way". Then there was someone who knew exactly the right settings to dial into this guitar distorsion pedal or amplifier to get the best effect of dealing with fear, and one of the group left and I said goodbye, understanding how difficult it was for him. Weird.
At work I sad and disappointed of what I do. I got to work on a much more interesting project last week, and now coming back to the grind I really felt how useless it is. Felt a little hopeless (victim) of having no real chance to get out of it. A colleague was listing stuff for "us" (=me) to do and I didn't care to play upbeat at all. I just stopped talking to him and ignored him until he left.
Evening was much better, I feel pretty good now. Gonna go visit my FWB this weekend. A chick I've labeled as cool and solid in my mind keeps messaging me every 3 weeks or so, indicating interest to do something, but every time I've suggested smt there's some minor logistical bs or something and I've just dropped it until she msgs me again. But she is cool, and we've gone out twice, kissed plenty, she stayed the night one time (no sex though). She is girly and sweet, but there's also quite a lot of underlying dominance in there, and I'm not in any way interested to have anyone start bossing me around. So that's why I'm not putting in any effort. I could suggest something for the weekend, but then again I'm a bit busy with the other two. Gonna miss a party I'd like to go to, that sucks.
I'm testing higher hours again with E2. Between the pauses and the gentler approach, I think I can handle more. But I didn't feel as energetic today, so of course I want to have extra energy/drive to do things as well.
Yesterday I felt a very interesting sensation in my chest. Sort of cool (temper.). It went away after some time. And then I'm feeling the bridge of my nose very very clearly. I've had this on and off for some time now, maybe after starting OGSF. Its kinda like someone hit my nose, but its not pain. It become very strong yesterday when meditating on it for 30 min. It was reduced, but its still there now.
E: Singing quietly on the streets, knowing people can hear me a bit. One time it was dark and I singing more loudly because I thought I was alone, only the discover this blonde hottie standing about a meter from me. I was surprised and maybe embarrassed for a third of a second, but then I just thought f it, and continued :)
Dreamt of loss, sorrow, maybe regret. Odd dreams. In one I found the back portion of a cut-to-half very small baby pig, impaled on a stick. In the other one, I was with a group in something that had escalated towards war even.. I was saying to the guys "you know if they capture you they're going to torture you to learn what you know... I never meant for it to get this way". Then there was someone who knew exactly the right settings to dial into this guitar distorsion pedal or amplifier to get the best effect of dealing with fear, and one of the group left and I said goodbye, understanding how difficult it was for him. Weird.
At work I sad and disappointed of what I do. I got to work on a much more interesting project last week, and now coming back to the grind I really felt how useless it is. Felt a little hopeless (victim) of having no real chance to get out of it. A colleague was listing stuff for "us" (=me) to do and I didn't care to play upbeat at all. I just stopped talking to him and ignored him until he left.
Evening was much better, I feel pretty good now. Gonna go visit my FWB this weekend. A chick I've labeled as cool and solid in my mind keeps messaging me every 3 weeks or so, indicating interest to do something, but every time I've suggested smt there's some minor logistical bs or something and I've just dropped it until she msgs me again. But she is cool, and we've gone out twice, kissed plenty, she stayed the night one time (no sex though). She is girly and sweet, but there's also quite a lot of underlying dominance in there, and I'm not in any way interested to have anyone start bossing me around. So that's why I'm not putting in any effort. I could suggest something for the weekend, but then again I'm a bit busy with the other two. Gonna miss a party I'd like to go to, that sucks.
I'm testing higher hours again with E2. Between the pauses and the gentler approach, I think I can handle more. But I didn't feel as energetic today, so of course I want to have extra energy/drive to do things as well.
Yesterday I felt a very interesting sensation in my chest. Sort of cool (temper.). It went away after some time. And then I'm feeling the bridge of my nose very very clearly. I've had this on and off for some time now, maybe after starting OGSF. Its kinda like someone hit my nose, but its not pain. It become very strong yesterday when meditating on it for 30 min. It was reduced, but its still there now.
E: Singing quietly on the streets, knowing people can hear me a bit. One time it was dark and I singing more loudly because I thought I was alone, only the discover this blonde hottie standing about a meter from me. I was surprised and maybe embarrassed for a third of a second, but then I just thought f it, and continued :)
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
