03-03-2016, 06:32 AM
Had a job interview the other day. I hate the hours leading up to something like a job interview. Everyone always says everyone gets nervous at job interviews it's ok, but for me I just really hate it. And preparation is always pushed as the most important thing, but when you struggle with anxiety your short term memory just goes out the window. Luckily I've got enough experience to remain calm under pressure. Out of all my job interviews I've had, I felt like the anxiety was probably about a 9 or 10. When I did this one it was about 7. So EHPRA has definitely been helping me out. I just look forward to the day when I can go for a job interview and just truly not care if I get the job or not or what the employer thinks of me. Not apathy, but just not having that weight of failure or feeling like a disappointment when I don't do well or don't get the job.
And something else that's been on my mind. I might have repeated this somewhere in my long history of posts, but it's important. I've noticed a trend that when things get rough or stressful I sort of freeze up. I try to escape from my own mind. I don't know how to describe it. But it's like pulling back inside yourself and kind of shutting out the world. It's a horrible habit because things still go to crap around me and I'm not grounded in the real world. I tend to get easily overwhelmed at all the stuff I feel like I should do to the point where I don't know where to begin then I get stuck in this horrible paralysis of analyzing the crap out of everything thinking I'll find a solution. But the only way to snap out of it is to just do something and take action.
Part of that stems from my lack of belief in myself. I still feel like I need to get to some kind of point before my life can begin. Like I'm holding off until everything is sorted out and I feel good enough to be out in the world. But I guess that's just the perfectionism kicking in due to my fear of rejection as my imperfect self.
My music has been going slow. Sort of fell behind. Had to prioritize my job search so I could pay rent and eat. I've been working on it here and there. As much as I love my music, I realize now that I was using it as an unhealthy escape at times and disregarding responsibilities.
And something else that's been on my mind. I might have repeated this somewhere in my long history of posts, but it's important. I've noticed a trend that when things get rough or stressful I sort of freeze up. I try to escape from my own mind. I don't know how to describe it. But it's like pulling back inside yourself and kind of shutting out the world. It's a horrible habit because things still go to crap around me and I'm not grounded in the real world. I tend to get easily overwhelmed at all the stuff I feel like I should do to the point where I don't know where to begin then I get stuck in this horrible paralysis of analyzing the crap out of everything thinking I'll find a solution. But the only way to snap out of it is to just do something and take action.
Part of that stems from my lack of belief in myself. I still feel like I need to get to some kind of point before my life can begin. Like I'm holding off until everything is sorted out and I feel good enough to be out in the world. But I guess that's just the perfectionism kicking in due to my fear of rejection as my imperfect self.
My music has been going slow. Sort of fell behind. Had to prioritize my job search so I could pay rent and eat. I've been working on it here and there. As much as I love my music, I realize now that I was using it as an unhealthy escape at times and disregarding responsibilities.
