Apex-Predator Evolutionary Log - AM6 RE-RUN Stage 2 - Letting go

[Dee]

LOL, WTF!

It’s amazing how people can over react to small things, in the skim of everything yesterday’s events where insignificant but I still reacted like a whining little girl. Am glad that I can see my pettiness from a another viewpoint, I guess it’s man-child behaviour; sure the emotions are real and paint the picture in my head but the logic that causes these emotions are faulty.

I like the fact that am more positive about my problems these days, it makes it seem to me that the reoccurring thoughts and feeling are just old patterns playing out and giving me the opportunity to correct them.

Am Just Been Honest to Myself

I got lots of attention up until a certain age, I became a Fein, the when the attention got taken away due to many emotional arousing events I found that if I stayed sad I could get attention and lots of other benefits.

Long before I knew I started believing my act, I mean sure I have issues but that just made things worst. And then I could not stop the process of happening. But I now have the tools to reverse this and correct it. If I have an innate need to shine and make people feel good I will have to learn to let go and happy, fun and exciting. When we free ourselves we set examples for others to follow, when I change the whole world will change too, another source of positivity on this earth.

I no longer believe the same things that made me the way I used to be and I am grateful for that. I done lots of clearing and deep belief change on the issues brought up yesterday. I all most want my deepest fears to all come up during AM5 so I can clear them all and BE FREE

Short Term Goal #1 – Early Riser

It seems like I can awake early when I have to, I had a meeting at 8.30 am and I got up at 6:30. I guess it’s something to do with motivation to get up.

Short Term Goal #3 – Week Day Ritual

Improving on this a lot, consistently doing things I found very hard before, but still far from creating the habit. I missed many study hours this week on purpose, I need to focus on doing that more now than ever I can’t afford to fall back on my one year success plan.

I am so happy to be alive and I can say without any conflicting beliefs, I love myself and I love my life.

[Dee]

Hot Sex Session

I had my second session with my Sex/Relationship Coach over Skype, and I think we hit it off. The session was 45 min but we started talking for over 1hr30. I asked her what she thought my processing style was and what she thought was attractive about herself but my phone battery died when she began to answer, I didn’t try to contact her after coz of the time/money issue involved. Then I saw an email she sent a few mins after reading:

*********Part of email****************************
Language preference:

The further information I need is the following:

Read these sex scenes are tell me which one you like the best.

1 I’m lying back on the red satin coverlet, my left hand stroking my breast. My touch catalyzes an appetite you have never felt before. Just kissing you and pressing my body against yours awakens an insatiable longing. You ache for me. I love running my hands over your body, kissing and touching you, rallying your senses to fevering heights.

2 I know you are going to calling, and while I wait I’m going moan your name until I can hear your deep, sexy voice over the phone line. Finally, the phone will ring. I will take it into the bedroom, lying back on the red satin coverlet, my left hand stroking my breast while we talk. I can tell you are horny too when you tell me how you miss rubbing up against me when we cuddle in bed. I miss you whispering in my ear.

3 I’m lying back on the red satin coverlet, and you glance at how sexy my breasts are quite and pink pussy is very visible under these lacey panties. You can’t take your eyes off me. You just keep looking me up and down. You can see every curve drawing your eyes into focus.

*********Part of email End****************************

After reading the email my imagination obviously pictured her, am still hard while writing this.

What you think????

[Dee]

Wet Dreams and Nightmares

I have a sexual dream of my Coach, there was no intercourse just nudity, cool stuff. I have been doing the home I was given and received some resources to help with my dyslexia; I will see how that works out.

Short Term Goal #1 – Early Riser ~ Short Term Goal #3 – Week Day Ritual

So I woke up at 6 and I done everything in my new routine, and it was great. For the 8 hours of work I spent most of it talking to my sister. She just broke up from a bad marriage and came home to calm down, she had some serious issues and people have noticed her improvements since we began sour “talks”.

It’s helpful that I learnt all this stuff trying to “fix” myself, in a few more years I will be a expert in change work and I could help many more people.

Anyway I woke up today totally exhausted and I still feel ill, my head is pounding I feel weak etc. Maybe it was too much to change my whole routine in one day. I might need to phase things in to allow my body to adjust, I happy that I managed to stay on track with it so in time I will only have productive habits.

Now that’s what I call progress.

Negativity as a Concept

I am working on changing my minds view on negativity and fear based emotions, somehow I thought there where benefits or that its nesscercy to have them or I have many secondary benefits. But now am working on consciously erasing the concepts from my mind and it seems to be working wonders.

[JackOfHearts]

Hot Sex Session

I had my second session with my Sex/Relationship Coach over Skype, and I think we hit it off. The session was 45 min but we started talking for over 1hr30. I asked her what she thought my processing style was and what she thought was attractive about herself but my phone battery died when she began to answer, I didn’t try to contact her after coz of the time/money issue involved. Then I saw an email she sent a few mins after reading:

*********Part of email****************************
Language preference:

The further information I need is the following:

Read these sex scenes are tell me which one you like the best.

1 I’m lying back on the red satin coverlet, my left hand stroking my breast. '. Just kissing you and pressing my body against yours awakens an insatiable longing. You ache for me. I love running my hands over your body, kissing and touching you, rallying your senses to fevering heights.

2 I know you are going to calling, and while I wait I’m going moan your name until I can hear your deep, sexy voice over the phone line. Finally, the phone will ring. I will take it into the bedroom, lying back on the red satin coverlet, my left hand stroking my breast while we talk. I can tell you are horny too when you tell me how you miss rubbing up against me when we cuddle in bed. I miss you whispering in my ear.

3 I’m lying back on the red satin coverlet, and you glance at how sexy my breasts are quite and pink pussy is very visible under these lacey panties. You can’t take your eyes off me. You just keep looking me up and down. You can see every curve drawing your eyes into focus.

*********Part of email End****************************

After reading the email my imagination obviously pictured her, am still hard while writing this.

What you think????

I'm not sure but seeing the message it's like you are the needy one. Seems like it's not an Alpha behavior.

[Dee]

I don’t think anything will come out of it as she’s like 1000 miles away. I was just wondering if I am been seduced here (for egotistic reasons), she is so seductive and attractive as hell.

I always get a constant hard on during our sessions. And she all ways mentions how she’s perverted in all the right ways .

Yes I know am needy, am not sure if AM5 will take care of this on stage 2 but I really feel I have always been seeking experiences that would make me feel turned on or affectionate.

I can’t even imagine life not been needy. And in most journals no one noticed that change or at least wrote about it.

[JackOfHearts]

You should try to think about it, I'm getting released of it and it's awesome. It's like you get more free. The more you want the more you get in jail to me: I didn't realize this until I read the book " Jake - Stop giving a fu** " mention by Geodude.

[ShanghaiKiwi]

WARNING: MOVIE SPOILER

I watched this movie "Chronicles" about these highschool boys who learned telekinesis. One of them started to get so good he was flying around throwing cars through the sky, etc. He called himself an Apex Predator too, he said "a lion feels no guilt when he eats a gazelle" and "a man doesn't feel guilty when he squashes a bug" - implying he should feel no guilt when killing other people because he is superior to them. He threw his dad off the roof of a skyscraper because of that belief. It reminded me of Hitler's "Mein Kampf" attitude.

Of course, thats not what you're saying, I just thought it was a good movie, and was relevant because thats where I had first heard the term 'Apex Predator'.

[Dee]

Of course that’s not what you saying, just the associations you have in your mind around that term. I wonder if the writer of that movie was trying to illustrate the point that power corrupts and super powers will fry your brain.

My associations with the word are those of power, authority, strength, vision, faith, confidence, justice etc. Remember Mufasa in the lion king movie? That’s my model of an Apex Predator. "All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.", I know it probably was not as simple as am stating but it’s a possibility that if there where stronger leaders at the time of Hitler, he would have been stopped when he done his Poland thing (Mufasa style), and who know the death toil might have differed.

For me been an Apex Predator is the safest option given the fact that you can choose to be weak or strong, poor or rich, faithful or fearful. We all predators in this world, let’s not forget that man is in fact an Apex Predator. I wrote all this having breakfast pork sausages, and lots of other vegs and spices from 3rd world states that we financially preying upon for the luxury of having much a diverse meal.

Am just been honest

[Dee]

Source of my negativity

I Looked at everyone in my life and filtered the positive influences from the negative ones and noticed the cause of many of my problems in that one little excise. I must always evaluate my relationships and see whether they are negative or positive, major or minor and decide whether its worth investing time into. Also I must know who speaks the truth and associate with people who are honest, successful (in various areas ) and positive.

I have cut out porn, TV and other negative influences and replaced them with more helpful ones. It difficult to accept that my family as added to my pain instead of helping elevate it, it even more difficult to accept that they may never change and if I want to I must spend as little time as possible with them to decease they negative influence on my life (it’s not that bad but not helpful too). I have been a positive influence, more positive than negative to the people around me and as I sort out my issues my influence gets more positive.

I found that am triggered into sadness by certain music I can’t escape so I will have to make time at some point on the weekend and tap to all those songs that have the biggest negative impact on me espiseaply all those songs about how love hurts and is pain, and those victim mentality reggae tunes.

Right Brain Issue

Well maybe I missed the point people on the forum where trying to make when they said am trying to fix a right brain issue with the left brain, I have to work on my mind reading skills as I didn’t understand . My coach recommended that I write poetry or music and do something creative every day to balance myself out. I may want totally different things when my creative energies are balanced with the rest. So I have been attempting to do so.

Short Term Goal #1 – Early Riser ~ Short Term Goal #3 – Week Day Ritual

It’s so unbelievable I actually woke up at 6 am and lived out a structured day, my competed my whole routine on Sunday and now am left to write poetry, plan for tomorrow and do my mental work then sleep. I excised, done my brain training, and everything else. Before I was the creative type, I hated routine and structure, I just wanted to be free with my thoughts, but starting a business and trying to be “FREE” in the sense that money can free up your time I had to change. I have been struggling for years with my sleeping pattern and even just doing routine things in the order they need to be done by.

I am so grateful I found this IML’s store and forum and all the resources that have assisted me, this will be the most productive year of my life, all those things I have been saying I want to do for years, this year I do them, all those books, and they experiences, yes this is the year. Thank You

[Dee]

I had a horrid dream one of my friends in the past was a teacher in a class and I was pupit, the whole time I was envying his confidence, then something clicked in me that I was an adult and could do the same thing. A day ago I had a dream that some friends in my teen years where hating on me, and I was dealing with that pressure of that intense feeling.

Anyway I woke up today and something had changed in me.

I feel more grounded in reality or must I say my reality. I feel absolute certainty that I will reach my goals if I want to and persist, I know it’s possible and more important it’s possible for me.

I feel the need to worry has disappeared, and I am consciously stopping negative thoughts at the gate and only thinking about things I want to experience in my life.

Before when I thought of a date I would picture it going wrong and feel anxious about dates, now I picture it how I would like it to be and I feel like I would have lots of fun.

Fear is really a choice

It’s a blissful state and it’s still getting deeper. I still have random negative thoughts that my sex coach has helped me deal with, before they would be perceived as a “voice in my head” rather than me thinking it consciously, so it would really brother me as to its meaning. Now I just picture that voice as a Disney cartoon and I laugh causing a peak in the good feelings I was having before.

It’s kind of hard to take fear seriously when it’s dressed in a clown’s suit. That what I like about having a coach it pushes you to “DO” I have been aware of this technique but didn’t apply it with consistency , and now like an AA member I now have an accountability buddy cutting down my chances of reverting back to my old ways before I have completely recreated myself.

Work and BS

I am waiting for some critical data before the launch countdown begins and my partner suggested I take some time to relax as it will be heavy work from then until when. So I have been catching up with my coaching homework (a complex book that has to be studied attentively not read like a novel) and some AM5 books (yes I still haven’t read them from start to finish).

I can now handle that little voice in my head I liken to the cravings for nicotine or the nicotine monster it will soon die and I will be free from it, it’s just a matter of time before the detox is complete.

I now have the urges to go out and be around people and do activities out there. I have researched some gym, self-defence, yoga, meditation, and tantra, I will start my new activity plan next month as my funds allow. I feel optimistic about my new life as everything I have ever dreamt of that is positive I will experience.

Right Brain Issue

I have been writing poetry, ave got over the feeling queer aspect and its quite exhilarating, I can actually release my needy feeling or cravings to feel bad and feel better after, plus my abstract mind can play without having to make practical sense or be fully understood by anyone but me.

I have to find a place where I can get critiqued as I would like to improve on this art I can see myself doing it for as long as I life, I love it.

ACTION PLAN: Look for meet ups or places online to get feedback (copywrite your stuff just in case sh*t happens/ fear or common sense?) also spoken word events will be good.

Short Term Goal #1 – Early Riser ~ Short Term Goal #3 – Week Day Ritual

It’s like this:
Sunday - Achieved goals
Monday - unachieved goals
Tuesday - Achieved goals
Wednesday - unachieved goals
Thursday – I know I will
Friday – is any ones guess, unlikely according to the pattern

Well I have to work on consistency as I have proved to myself I can do it now, progress is a slow process, but great changes begin in minute alterations.

[Dee]

A wasted day or a nurtured bond

I spent like 8 hours talking to a friend of mine over skype about all sorts, we hadn’t talked in ages about 4 months as I have been locked in the lab recreating my mind. It seems old passions have stirred and a new project is on the way. He has a new music project his almost competing and we pitched a multimillionaire a year ago about this (and he was interested in investing) but the time wasn’t right and I had tons of issues that were in the way.

Now that I have removed lots of garbage from my head I can see all my dreams coming to pass, this is so exciting. Sure I have many things to work on before then but with the progress am making it’s just a matter of time.

Also he played me his newest music video and I must say it has a lot of my positive influence within it. Which am cool with but I part of me is not okay, has he “stole” my “conscious style” of wordplay. I was very impressed with the fact I did not feel jealous or bad in anyway over that fact I lost my talent and have not produced music in years, but would still love to.

Oh yes that call messed up my daily routine, but it was worth it, I felt bad after like I had lost a day though.

I am so grateful for AM5 and the man its making me.

[Dee]

AM5 Stage 2 - Mental Renovation #Day 16 – 19

I failed to get up at 6am on weekdays but managed on weekends, which really screwed with my head. I felt like there was some external force messing up my plans and toying with me. Then after a few days I managed to get up early and begin my daily ritual but I failed to get any of the “work” I needed done, I had planned to do some training on the business skills I was lacking in but I never found time even thought I had like 8 hours uninterrupted.

So I lost my motivation, it’s cool thought this time I did not fall into depression like before, now I was just looking for another way I could use my strengths to get people to do some work that I am not able too. I guess if I focus on been an eutripertune and just pulling the right people together and finding funding it could work, as I like to think I have charisma. I can work on not comparing myself to others and I might raise in self-esteem. Anyway I spend the day listening to motivational stuff and tapping at the same time (I thought of alcohol but it was faint), in the past I would have used that time to in put more negativity by listening to sad music and thinking about my problems.

I have decided to get a dyslexic business coach, I found a few to help me through cause my whole life no one as understood and most people saw it as I was trying to make excuses for myself or my laziness. I also searched for support groups, that would be valuable. This one time I was on a low with my business and stressed out at the amount of paper work needed and I watched “JOBS” the movie and I felt like it’s a challenging that many people have overcome, I mean Steve Jobs was dyslexic but his still considered a genius. So a support group or coach is like constant positive input like that movie but once a week or more.

[Dee]

I have a feeling that one day my Relationship coach/hypno- tapping therapist/ sex coach will be on my gratitude wall as one of the most important positive influencers of my lifetime, and that’s real talk.

Anyway I went to some meditation introduction presentation thingy in East London as all the Tantra stuff either costs 1000s or is are too far inbeweet . I have Tantra events lined up in my calendar tho, even a weekend workshop in Fed I think.

So I get to the event tonight and I noticed my old thoughts patterns in play, the female presenter asked me a question and I didn’t understand or hear right and I answered with something else and after I was corrected the self-criticism started, I then attempted to tell a joke and I done it again. (no one understood what the fu*t I was talking about)

Inner Critic never Stops

Am not sure if it’s nervousness or the feeling of been rushed but I always delete, generalize and distort everything I say to the point that everything that comes out of my mouth isn’t what I thought off, and I have to pinch myself. Or maybe it’s impossible to communicate 1000s of pictures that flashed in a sec in a few sentences (I need to work on my communication skills big time) .

Anyway from then onwards I started “affirming” negative things about myself for like 35 mins or more, “I hate myself” x 60 something and some other of my personal favourites, what’s weird is that the thought seems totally automatic like listening to your voice on a recorder, I wasn’t mentally engaged with them if that makes sense .

It’s difficult to explain but I now know that my perception of reality before in the past never was what It really was, it was just that negative thing in me twisting my mind and emotions to see the events from its negative point of view.

As time went on I found inspiration from something I want to do in my life that will benefit a great many people and that helped me not accept defeat at that moment – you know like a father with 8 kids can’t afford for life to get him down and quit his job for depression. lol as funny as it sounds, yes I was going to come back and apologise to my sex coach for wasting her time and crawl back in my dark hole for a few months. I can’t believe how I lived like that in the past, like school, college, work and social events etc it’s like self-inflicted torturing.

I think she’s a genius or just really good at her calling

I have been buying time by telling myself I can get confident before I go out into the world, but I guess it doesn’t work like that. At least now I have something to work on that is recent and the more shit that comes out is the more shit I can flush.

Anyway am sure you aware that there is always one guy who knows it all, that’s mostly there to argue but got kicked out of the debate group in school. So this guy was shooting holes in the presentor’s theories and I kind of felt her losing energy but trying hard to maintain her composure as the meditations she was/is going to teach where based on the theories.

So I just shared some of my experiences and resources to support her view point and at the end of it I got into an arguments/discussion with the guy about the flaws in his logic. Any way long story short the girl who was an usher and partner of the presenter basically asked everyone if they wanted water, 2 people said no then she came and gave me a cup (reward, flirting or up cracking voice).

Then after the event she tried to organise a meet up between the two of us, then asked for my Facebook. I got her number and we texted each other last message she said “me and my partner was just saying how great your was! Good discussion” blah blah blah. Then the presenter texted as well saying some other affectionate stuff, she’s a tree hugger apparently so that was expected or was it.

OCD Reflections

All I can think about is how bad of a communicator I was, all the points I could have structured better. Trying to suppress thoughts of sex or romance with em both and where I could meet that girl again or what excuse I can come up with to avoid communications until the next meeting, am sure I will be encouraged to attend. Am also pissed off at how selfish I am, I was busy criting myself I forgot to leave money in the donation box

Anyway am grateful for the help of my sex coach as she pushed my out the door when I thought that hypnosis and subs where going to magically make me a socially experienced Casanova overnight without much effort and learning curves on my part.

[Dee]

UPDATE:

The presenter from yesterday had mentioned us doing meditations before the next event next month in the text she sent after the meeting and the negative voice in my head convinced me that it was a general thing she sent to everyone.

But I received a call today I did recognised nor answer and it was from her she left a voice mail about meeting up for meditation, I assume it will be at her place. And I am not motivated to call her back and speak on it, am in my introverted moods today.

Plus a part of me is avoiding the pain of my inner critic again pounding me to the ground plus am afraid I’ll ruin it somehow like in the past, ARRRRRRRRR someone needs to invent a pill that removes negativity and fear from the body, I don’t care even if it’s made of sugar as long as it works.