Woke up this morning angry and frustrated. I was thinking about the programming homework that I can't get and the job. Then it hit me that I have a fear of failure. I knew I had it but I could never pinpoint what areas of my life it affected.
So how do I work on that?
So far I keep telling myself it's okay if I fail. It might only be this project and the rest will be okay. Even if it isn't it's still okay. As long as I don't give up and give it my all it will be okay.
I'm not sure if that's the right way to go about it. Any suggestions?
(09-18-2016, 08:37 AM)Why So Serious? Wrote: [ -> ]Woke up this morning angry and frustrated. I was thinking about the programming homework that I can't get and the job. Then it hit me that I have a fear of failure. I knew I had it but I could never pinpoint what areas of my life it affected.
So how do I work on that?
So far I keep telling myself it's okay if I fail. It might only be this project and the rest will be okay. Even if it isn't it's still okay. As long as I don't give up and give it my all it will be okay.
I'm not sure if that's the right way to go about it. Any suggestions?
Sounds good to me. If you want to take it a step further there is no such thing as failure, only a constant journey of learning from our mistakes. It's better to do your best and make mistakes than avoid things because of a fear of failure.
(09-19-2016, 06:49 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (09-18-2016, 08:37 AM)Why So Serious? Wrote: [ -> ]Woke up this morning angry and frustrated. I was thinking about the programming homework that I can't get and the job. Then it hit me that I have a fear of failure. I knew I had it but I could never pinpoint what areas of my life it affected.
So how do I work on that?
So far I keep telling myself it's okay if I fail. It might only be this project and the rest will be okay. Even if it isn't it's still okay. As long as I don't give up and give it my all it will be okay.
I'm not sure if that's the right way to go about it. Any suggestions?
Sounds good to me. If you want to take it a step further there is no such thing as failure, only a constant journey of learning from our mistakes. It's better to do your best and make mistakes than avoid things because of a fear of failure.
Okay to good to know I'm on the right track.
I'm still on break from E2 and I'm enjoying it. I still have my ups and downs but I'm starting to feel the sub settling in. No not everything is worked on but I'm okay with that for the time being.
I'm starting to figure out when I'm being negative and trying to prevent it. I just don't know how yet. I guess I would have to start cutting people out of my life. I'm not sure there is a nice way to do it.
I'm back to listening to self improvement books. Thought that would never happen.
I have my moments where I get close to family where I'm open. It's only last a moment but I'll take it. Better than being closed off all the time. I'm asking how certain people are doing. I'm thinking about other family members now and what's going on with them.
I actually felt like something deep got sorted out earlier today. I just don't know what it was.
I seem to be having difficult time coming to terms with the degree I'm getting. I always saw myself being an artist but I have to honest with myself it's something I could do for a living. I should have got the hint when I was running MLS when both of my wrist starting hurting.
Still hurts my feelz. I know I can do it if wanted to. I would just be miserable if I did.
That means that folks are right whatever you naturally gravitated to when you were young is something to consider when making a choice about careers. Kind of depressing in a strange way. I guess because I didn't see myself this way. I also should have taken a hint from Mark Mansons blog post where he ask how would you rather suffer.
This going to take some time to accepting this part of myself.
(09-24-2016, 07:59 AM)Why So Serious? Wrote: [ -> ] (09-19-2016, 06:49 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (09-18-2016, 08:37 AM)Why So Serious? Wrote: [ -> ]Woke up this morning angry and frustrated. I was thinking about the programming homework that I can't get and the job. Then it hit me that I have a fear of failure. I knew I had it but I could never pinpoint what areas of my life it affected.
So how do I work on that?
So far I keep telling myself it's okay if I fail. It might only be this project and the rest will be okay. Even if it isn't it's still okay. As long as I don't give up and give it my all it will be okay.
I'm not sure if that's the right way to go about it. Any suggestions?
Sounds good to me. If you want to take it a step further there is no such thing as failure, only a constant journey of learning from our mistakes. It's better to do your best and make mistakes than avoid things because of a fear of failure.
Okay to good to know I'm on the right track.
I'm still on break from E2 and I'm enjoying it. I still have my ups and downs but I'm starting to feel the sub settling in. No not everything is worked on but I'm okay with that for the time being.
I'm starting to figure out when I'm being negative and trying to prevent it. I just don't know how yet. I guess I would have to start cutting people out of my life. I'm not sure there is a nice way to do it.
I'm back to listening to self improvement books. Thought that would never happen.
I have my moments where I get close to family where I'm open. It's only last a moment but I'll take it. Better than being closed off all the time. I'm asking how certain people are doing. I'm thinking about other family members now and what's going on with them.
I actually felt like something deep got sorted out earlier today. I just don't know what it was.
I seem to be having difficult time coming to terms with the degree I'm getting. I always saw myself being an artist but I have to honest with myself it's something I could do for a living. I should have got the hint when I was running MLS when both of my wrist starting hurting. Still hurts my feelz. I know I can do it if wanted to. I would just be miserable if I did.
That means that folks are right whatever you naturally gravitated to when you were young is something to consider when making a choice about careers. Kind of depressing in a strange way. I guess because I didn't see myself this way. I also should have taken a hint from Mark Mansons blog post where he ask how would you rather suffer.
This going to take some time to accepting this part of myself.
An Artist on the Side: Yes, it is a challenge getting a Degree in Practical matters while having a Passion of an Artist; yet, you can always do it 'on the side.' And, have it as growing passion; And, it is good timing with the EPHRA 2.0 listening... Can really produce some Artistic creations as Therapy as well. :angel:
I was thinking about that earlier this year but I feel like it's time to lay off it for a few months just so I can get through my head that it is a hobby. For some odd reason when I start drawing I start thinking about it as a career. Then I get depressed and stop drawing. It's a never ending cycle.
In other news I just started listening to the sub again Saturday. This time I listen to the trickling stream at night instead of the ultrasonic. I find it easier to continue listening to the sub. I'm still having trouble sleeping comfortably but I think I'll get used to it after a while.
I'm not as stressed out or anxious. It's getting a little easier to be around people.
Let's see what happens next
For that don't always like being told what to do (like me), it seems that masked is the way to go.
I'm personally finding that if I do masked first, then switch to ultrasonic for a few hours, I'm not getting resistance like I would if I just went straight to ultrasonic. It seems I'm getting my best results with this method.
(09-26-2016, 04:42 PM)Why So Serious? Wrote: [ -> ]I was thinking about that earlier this year but I feel like it's time to lay off it for a few months just so I can get through my head that it is a hobby. For some odd reason when I start drawing I start thinking about it as a career. Then I get depressed and stop drawing. It's a never ending cycle.
The depression is likely caused by everything you've internalized over the years about art as a career. Would you be ok with drawing as just a hobby or do you feel a pull towards doing something more? It's not all or nothing either. You can always just keep focusing on drawing in your free time while holding down a job that provides you financial support.
What was your degree you're going for right now?
@ Maxx55
Yeah I get what your saying. I just do masked most of the time now. I'll play ultrasonic on my phone speaker when at work. I figure since it's mono it shouldn't be as bad.
@
mat422
I'm still trying to find a balance. I'm starting to think that drawing and computer science aren't really that different. Not these completely separate entities. Your trying to solve problems in both just a different set of problems. At least that's my weird logic.
I'm studying Computer Science.
I really hate being empathetic. I've just realized that I'm absorbing this coworkers stress and negativity. I got to learn how to break away from that.
I'm starting to feel more confident lately. Crowds of people don't scare me anymore.
I just realized that I can't keep putting my sexuality on the back burner anymore. That was actually a big reason why I was depressed(who knew). That surprised me cause I could have sworn it was something else. You know abandonment issues, anxiety issues, self validation issues, etc. I mean when I started fantasizing I became friendlier. I even started focusing in class. Sure I would get a little to deep into fantasizing but I could concentrate most of the class. Which is strange because logically it should be the opposite. I'm now confused because I thought putting that the back burner thinking it would help.
BUT hey I'm happy for a moment. Still though WTF
I still have a lot fear, and shame around sex, sexuality in general and I'll leave it at that. No need to get into details.
(09-28-2016, 04:36 PM)Why So Serious? Wrote: [ -> ]I'm still trying to find a balance. I'm starting to think that drawing and computer science aren't really that different. Not these completely separate entities. Your trying to solve problems in both just a different set of problems. At least that's my weird logic.
I'm studying Computer Science.
I really hate being empathetic. I've just realized that I'm absorbing this coworkers stress and negativity. I got to learn how to break away from that.
My mind works like that too. Always finding similarities between things no matter how different. I think it's because there are a lot of universal concepts that can be applied to anything. I think that's good for computer science too because a lot of programming is how interconnected everything is. You'll be able to notice patterns easily.
I used to have the same problem with empathy. It really is a gift when you use it to understand and help people that are close to you. But when you don't set boundaries it gets really chaotic. Luckily since running E2 I've gained the ability to sort of shut it off when I'm around people. So I think E2 will take care of that for you also.
(09-29-2016, 07:08 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (09-28-2016, 04:36 PM)Why So Serious? Wrote: [ -> ]I'm still trying to find a balance. I'm starting to think that drawing and computer science aren't really that different. Not these completely separate entities. Your trying to solve problems in both just a different set of problems. At least that's my weird logic.
I'm studying Computer Science.
I really hate being empathetic. I've just realized that I'm absorbing this coworkers stress and negativity. I got to learn how to break away from that.
My mind works like that too. Always finding similarities between things no matter how different. I think it's because there are a lot of universal concepts that can be applied to anything. I think that's good for computer science too because a lot of programming is how interconnected everything is. You'll be able to notice patterns easily.
I used to have the same problem with empathy. It really is a gift when you use it to understand and help people that are close to you. But when you don't set boundaries it gets really chaotic. Luckily since running E2 I've gained the ability to sort of shut it off when I'm around people. So I think E2 will take care of that for you also.
Actually it works the opposite for me. Computer Science helps me out in art. It helps to focus and think logically in art.
Yeah I do need more boundaries. The person I work with is currently testing them.
So Saturday my nephews came over and we had a good time. I was surprised they wanted to play FFXIII. Didn't think it would interest them. (Actually I was hoping it wouldn't so could play by myself while they play something else.) It still turned out to fun either way, and I got to bond with them.
I hung out with my sister for a moment. It was her dogs birthday so I decided to take him to the Kraiser's to get some treats. I didn't think my sister cared that much for the dog. *shrugs shoulders* I mean I didn't but hey. I will be treating her to lunch or dinner this Saturday.
Now Sunday I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was mad because I couldn't any. Wasn't the right moment, couldn't invite anyone over, etc.
The kids spent the night and wanted to play the game and of course I took that frustration out on them. Everything they did I was raising my voice at them. Now something that surprised me was I apologized to them later on that day. They accepted it and gave me hug. I explained that I was in bad mood and they needed to give me some space.
Now back to the couldn't get any statement. I was pondering why I was feeling that frustrated. It's usually not that bad. Annoying yes. Then later on that evening I felt like it scraped the surface of a bigger issue going on. It is very painful emotionally. It's to the point I where don't want to deal with it at all. I cried a little. I just wanted whatever it was bring up to stop. And eventually it stopped because I started pouring all of my focus into finishing my homework.
It still bothers me because I don't know what's going on with that area of my life. I don't have any bad memories or experiences that I know of. Whatever it is I would rather avoid it for the time being. I'm just distracting myself with other things to do.
Today was full of headaches but I think I managed them better than usual. My password wouldn't work and security measures for making a new one for the job are extremely difficult.
The person I'm working with is not progressing well but that's okay. I'll just have to find some other way to deal with it.
My algebra teacher was off today. Making lots of mistakes and confusing us even more for the test review. Which reminds me I need to look for some tutoring else where. The schedule doesn't work with my job.
But hey at least I'm not there now. Some kind of emergency going on and their asking folks to evacuate.
The sub is confusing me about my issue around sex because now it seems like more guy's are interested in me. Or I thought I needed a break but I guess not. I don't feel as bad about the issue so maybe it's somewhat healed?
How long do you intend to use E2 before you switch to something else ?
That's a good question. I'm not sure.
It's a pretty hard question actually, cos I have no idea myself either. I was thinking the other day when the goal is 'healing' it's alot harder to know when you've achieved that as compared to 'lose 10kg'.