Self development basically. due my ptsd symptoms 2 year ago and breakdown took off from work as an whole. Now i'm all about internet business, marketing and self-expression/ entrepreneurship.
Yes, Am has brought many things to the surface, caused many shifts to happen ( as I am the start of stage 5, 2 days in currently ) I notice already more openness and lucidity. In the last few days of stage 4 I notice that I became more rebellious. relationships and the such have also shifted in terms of look out, self understanding and quality asserting. Many things have been sacrficed, yet other things have been gained.
In terms of social abundance, I'm growing more towards quality and openness. Its as if bathing in an sea of abundance and nothing is really an attack anymore like before. no crippling anxieties but rather in control.
The road has been harsh at times, today I did hit rock bottom and eventually something clicked, heart ache and what not, I'm more self-sufficient and thriving on self-excellence, yet still want to run it an second time. almost bordering masochistic if I look back at it, yet it feels like an core example of being alpha.
I still have similar fears surfacing, fears of that the sub makes me so alpha that I will reject certain jobs if it turns out that way. Its still an internal conflict for me. Where attention goes, energy flows.
I'm becoming an better man. that's about it. an great sense of self growing, confidence. flaking happens, whatever. attraction is stil there. feeling an slight sadness and people seem to not make eye contact like on stage 4. Also, many "rules"of game ( so fucking self validating and self entitled currently, stretching it through ) seem to dissolve. Its an greater understanding, self-love supplication. Also, an greater sense in masculine and what it entails, leading, initiation, cold opening, self entitlement, dominance, masculine force. I develop this hitman mindset which is mentioned in some AM journals. Total absence of negative selftalk. I aswell am aware about the playfullness. I'm writing but feel not conscious at all right now. Its an very weird feeling.
Attraction as being something that exist in that way. Before I would be fearfull of loss or whatever it was, and now I'm growing and gaining this understanding, those blocks slowly being replaced by something more free. Its clear in my head to have this, like, eye contact, just an event happening. Self-development and growing self-estaam, self-reliance, confidence and growth.
can't stand negativity now. My focus is laser sharp. Some strong tension and depression surfaces, including micro episodes of being amnesiac, but realizing I am the one deciding. I'm feeling pretty good moodwise, new experience to feel bodily tense but moodwise fucking awesome. Strong decision in what I want to do. My will feels dominant. Like, this sense of knowing what I want, this straight line.
Stage 5 is amazing thus far, an breeze compaired to stage 4. Not much caring about eye contact and having moments of total relaxation and not giving an fuck. Getting less IOI's, strong reduction in social anxiety, rather replaced with an fierce inner "voice"or what it is. Growing very much less responsive and being like a rock amidst the storms. My focus grows stonrlgy on the self development and keeps me on track, empowering me even further. I'm ecstatic and euphoric. Many shifts are happening in an blink of an eye when I think about it ( such as the friend manifestation ) Its smooth yet mindblowing.
The resiatance ( I begin to resent that word, feelings come up, tension and then release, basically ) is different then that from stage 4. Its more hopefull (?)
Time value gets more integrated instead of being an mere idea, fully actualizing, organzing. Less bs tolerance. This stage seems to have an faster time sense ( urgency? ) then stage 4, which was dragging. Im more flowing right now.
Edit|: my bodylanguage feekls heavy but powerfull, like an strong field ( aura?) also, when taking pictures of myself, my eyes are standing out and am drawn in by my own eyes. I have this glow, this unexplainable presence with me, and only looking at the pictures make me feel increasingly attractive.
Yeah its interesting how I am aware of this rush going on and some guys seem to back off.
trying vs statement.
Causes an mental shift. it happens. Same as with being happy or whatever it is, I'm simply be happy. intent. attraction. Getting aswell in contact with my kid side (?) as in, reflecting back, the child-like instance, curiosity, playfullness, energy. I can't be dishonest anymore aswell, it makes me sink right into depression. Like, its an masculine raw force, pushing and crushing, dominating. It makes me actually feel guilty aswell ( GSF ?).Fears around some lacking areas, such as the financials, I give to much of a fuck, now its what I can do about it, right now. Its one side of me that is hellbent and knowing i am in the process, another part of me clings to the 9-5 and how this at the moment is no there. I don't want to think about it, feels like an feedback loop yet only something to die out ( disliking this approach tbh )
Met with an old friend yesterday and he displayed alpha traits. Exchanged some visions, while being totally relaxed and taking up space, The girl that was at his home was overtly sexual and showed massive IOI's, placing herself next to me, ass against my arm, buttdisplays, overt signs and what not, rubbing but I remained unfazed. It was a nice experience and the current bullshit from the girl I am dating shifting to insignificant. As she goes cold and what not I hold back as I am the prize. We'll see. yesterday was an nice reference experience.
To invested in texting, now I'm going cold, and it is empowering to retreat like that and it shows how much attachment there is. One moment I can walk away easily, like it doesn't get to me, the other moment I fall slightly back in this texting mode, like an slight fear of loss and how this freeze out might blow me up, otherside, it shows attachment. Its new so I guess I adjust. Something important. Its inner game development. Realizing calibration, connection, desperation. Realize how being pushy can turn off as it isn't communication really. Its insightfull. Also, it shows an subtle dynamic, like, not taking away the mystery. 1 step back = also an step back. IOI begets IOI, IOD begets an IOD, no eed to try harder, it comes across as needy, try hard and desperate/scarcity.
Edit; im realizing the "no tekst" thing now. Its actually pretty funny. also the whole buddy buddy has to go, I'm about straight to the point sexually. I fucked up last time by not being aggressive enough with the escalation an it made me somewhat feel like crap. I know now. I only can conclude its an fear being dissolved as this kind of thought sticks now. Another road forming in my being.
Like "an girl responds shortly"fine, back off, don't care, kthxbye. Its actually an new lifestyle opposing my old one. Note to self: don't try to control her behaviour, she behaves like a cunt, next her ass, freeze her out, nothing lost. Its the only way to attraction.
Grounded in my reality, unfazed, having options. broke up and now something has shifted. Nothing can stop me. I feel indifferent to it because I know I am grounded in my reality and the lines are thrown out already and having options. Fear is being overthrown by dominance, an override. Stronger crystalization of people coming in my reality instead of pedestaling and the such. I do because I want to/can and drop all other concepts. I know calibration is something to improve aswell.
She was a nice fit but so are 5 others. No biggie. before I would feel revenge sensations, being devastated, now its totally fine and go on with what I was doing.
Also an growing interst in self-improvement, dressing better, glasses, badboy stuff, uninhibited by opinions of other people at all, just out of curiosity and self choice/picking.
Stage 5 lifts up and even if I don't want to admit it, the last event has shocked me to my senses and now dreadgame ( which I before perceived as an no-go even ) is very appealing, which shows how much is currently lifted. If I become this asshole ( which is an self-perception ) I fully embrace it. I'm growing and this is not the final destination, I don't even care about game tbh, I'm fully turning towards myself. Its an kickstart and stage 5 is an leap currently. I'm feeling fearless, savage, uncaring, unconcerned. My priorities are first, the rest pretty much comes second. Neediness is definitely being destroyed further and I will never be the same again, which I frankly don't care about either. In this for myself only.
Eye contact is totally off today and became self-aware. Listening some Rollo Tomassi adio and redpill/MGTOW is something im high empathizing on. came across some Christian Mcqueen stuff this morning which made me realize how Time is valued again, how all falls into place, how all comes together. Writing this right now makes me feel charismatic, I carry myself different as I write this. the petrfect balance of input. pretty straight to the point and backing it up with value from myself.
Realize validation seeking, impression and what not. Its deep ingrained and conjures some "resistance feelings". Also re-occuring images of being an western guy with an cowboy hat walking towards the horizon, going my own way, not caring and leaving.
By being cutting off and going NC some shift is going on/happened. Its brings me back in myself, working on myself.
Right now I am pretty tired and slight depressed.
Edfit: something that stands out on stage 5 currently is that those waves are short after met with realization and how to lift it and which way is the way to go.
Went out yesterday and my traits where displaying. Confidence, dominance, leading without question, clear in my communication bordering on harsh.
Notice an petterns that familiar girls are no issue, one girl I hadn't seem for years I grabbed her, looked her straight in the eyes without being able to break off and she fell into trance. Almost hypnotic seductive. I thought wtf was going on, she seemed to seek somethign when it happened. It was almost an compelling dominating manner.
An friend of mine tried to secure himself by telling me to "not put in my charm"yeah, as if thats going to happen...
Having still some internal blocks going on, its still stage 5..patterns in terms of not approaching, I know that I have had moments of not approaching desires and this was empowering in an way, thus destruction neediness. patterns of "out of her league" perhaps, while at the same time I know this is fucking bullshit. Its an matter of inner game and am ravenign about it.
Familiar girls I pull in without hesitation, left right, come here and they love it. Guys seem to be shot down when making eye contact, it doesn't phase me. Its an big mindfuck to have this conflict happen.
perhaps SM3 will eventually deal with it.
Increasingly MGTOW tendencies aznd fully becoming my own point of origin, my own mind of origin.
Also had am dream I runned AM for an second round without an break at all. AM works in more way then I realize. More interest is showing aswell, one girl of another friend was constantly sexualizing, physically, I could fuck her but don't. older women show interest, as well as another girl asked for my FB through an friend.
I feel an strong distate to write about this all, about women to begin with. has to be AM.
more and more I have thoughts around sex that is mere animalstic primal and feels liberating. Like, an natural ( tribal ) mating ritual.
have 2 new leads yet realize that my textgame is still off, yet simultaneously I can't be really bothered and face to face has my priorities and preferance. getting way more solid. Its something I realize now that can be brought over IN textgame. My priorities get more clear aswell, busy life, business. also, I realized yesterday its all about frame. Like, when getting lesser confident it has something to do with stage 5 solidifying my frame.
Another, the girl at the gym is also showing massive signs. Might take her number next time aswell. My whole state has been flipped, like, nothing lost, matter of inner state/frame/game.
eye contact is empathized again.