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CatMan encouraged me to create a journal of OGSF 4G and here I go.
I aim to listen to it around 8 hrs or more a day. Last night I listened to it for 10-11 hours. Around 2-3 hours in I had a sensation of crying and small amount of tears are coming out with a prolonged thought of my first and only relationship. The break up was fairly recent (about 2-3 months ago). Outwardly I didn't express it but I guess the damage was deeper inside.
So long story short of the relationship is she left me in the dark for months with no attempt of contacting me and what not. One day she actually replied to me to break up and she found another person before breaking it off. Essentially cheating on me.
After this break up i went to a survival mode in which I was forcing myself to be productive and force the feelings down to an abyss.
As for inspiration to use this sub, Last weekend there was a meet and greet with a member of a youtube group that I inspires me. After that said meet and greet, I just had some kind of switch go off in my head and this familiar urge to improve my life and its been building up. This thought popped up "you owe yourself to be awesome". Catman recommended me to use OGSF first before diving to AM6 so I guess it is going to be a month or so of garbage removal before diving to the Six stage subs.
Day 2 approx 11 hours.
Weird dream last night.
In this dream, A couple of other people and I were imprisoned in a place that is governed by some kind if monster. This monster that was imprisoning me was (in this world) strong and deadly yet invisible.I was talking to a another person about ending this by suicide or fight it to the death. I woke up before I could decide.
Day 3 approx 5 hrs
I feel like a war is brewing inside me. dreams of conflict. Externally not much change.
--I took a picture with a model and placed it as my wallpaper on my phone. For motivation of course lol. I used to cringe when i see it but now i dont. Weird and seemingly insignificant but pretty cool.
-- my body posture is more upgright but that could be the foam rolling. Not sure
--somewhat of a swagger returned in my walk.
--when i see attractive people i still subconsciously look to the floor.
Dreams
-Fighting zombies head on this time.
-Used to run from them when I was on other subs. A good signal probably because I'm fighting back instead of running away
External:
-Stopped avoiding the gym and stopped making excuses not to go.
-Worked less hours in a Federal Work Study job to make time for activities I enjoy doing.
(01-19-2016, 09:55 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Around 2-3 hours in I had a sensation of crying and small amount of tears are coming out with a prolonged thought of my first and only relationship. The break up was fairly recent (about 2-3 months ago). Outwardly I didn't express it but I guess the damage was deeper inside.
So long story short of the relationship is she left me in the dark for months with no attempt of contacting me and what not. One day she actually replied to me to break up and she found another person before breaking it off. Essentially cheating on me.
After this break up i went to a survival mode in which I was forcing myself to be productive and force the feelings down to an abyss.
I feel you Aventus man, that happened to me before...
So CatMan encouraged you to do OGSF instead of Let Go Of Past Relationships, though LGOPR seems to suit you better at this point. (No, I'm not suggesting to switch, keep the OGSF running
)
(01-23-2016, 10:24 PM)alden Wrote: [ -> ] (01-19-2016, 09:55 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Around 2-3 hours in I had a sensation of crying and small amount of tears are coming out with a prolonged thought of my first and only relationship. The break up was fairly recent (about 2-3 months ago). Outwardly I didn't express it but I guess the damage was deeper inside.
So long story short of the relationship is she left me in the dark for months with no attempt of contacting me and what not. One day she actually replied to me to break up and she found another person before breaking it off. Essentially cheating on me.
After this break up i went to a survival mode in which I was forcing myself to be productive and force the feelings down to an abyss.
I feel you Aventus man, that happened to me before...
So CatMan encouraged you to do OGSF instead of Let Go Of Past Relationships, though LGOPR seems to suit you better at this point. (No, I'm not suggesting to switch, keep the OGSF running )
At first CatMan suggested OF but I already have OGSF. I think its better to use OGSF because I am prepping for AM6.
Inner conflicts:
-The thought of Interracial couples, specifically white male asian female, used to make me jealous and angry. I don't quite know why. Maybe because of my own lack of self esteem and confidence. I noticed this thought is changing for the better. I see it as now her preference and I should improve my own life to attract other people.
Outward results.
-I have been killing it in the gym. I haven't worked out in a couple of months so I used lower weight and build it up again. I hit the optional rep goals and 3 Joker Sets (Wendler 5/3/1). I don't know if the sub is reducing the fear to go ham in the weights but I'm liking it so far.
-I still look down slightly when I see attractive women and other dudes but my posture seems to be improving.
-It seems to be easier for me to have small talk with people.
-I am starting to feel the urge to improve my looks, hence the lifting and currently making use of my cologne collection.
(01-25-2016, 09:46 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Inner conflicts:
-The thought of Interracial couples, specifically white male asian female, used to make me jealous and angry. I don't quite know why. Maybe because of my own lack of self esteem and confidence. I noticed this thought is changing for the better. I see it as now her preference and I should improve my own life to attract other people.
I used to feel the same about seeing some particular combinations of interracial couples myself. My automatic assumptions would be that she hates her own race and why wouldn't she date her own? But I came to realise it was a projection of my own insecurities and I was limited by lack. Over the years, I realised my assumptions weren't true, that people have their own preferences and there's nothing wrong with that. Nowadays, I personally date outside my race too. I focus on my own life and date whoever I want. Good on you for realising the same too.
(01-25-2016, 03:55 PM)wolverine_i_am Wrote: [ -> ] (01-25-2016, 09:46 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Inner conflicts:
-The thought of Interracial couples, specifically white male asian female, used to make me jealous and angry. I don't quite know why. Maybe because of my own lack of self esteem and confidence. I noticed this thought is changing for the better. I see it as now her preference and I should improve my own life to attract other people.
I used to feel the same about seeing some particular combinations of interracial couples myself. My automatic assumptions would be that she hates her own race and why wouldn't she date her own? But I came to realise it was a projection of my own insecurities and I was limited by lack. Over the years, I realised my assumptions weren't true, that people have their own preferences and there's nothing wrong with that. Nowadays, I personally date outside my race too. I focus on my own life and date whoever I want. Good on you for realising the same too.
Now I usually think the dude is a pretty cool guy or something. Projection is a tricky thing to catch. I used to hate a friend of mine because he was essentially a doormat in my eyes and I despised it. At that time, I secretly hated the nice guy and neediness part of me.
Speaking of neediness, As I read your reply, a realization came up that I had stuffed down deeper than anything else. When I broke up with the girl the reason dawned to me and I couldn't handle it. I buried it deep inside and now it slightly popped out. Not sure if it is the program or me but I suddenly thought of confronting it or at least acknowledge it
A few days after the break up, The red flags dawned to me and I was too busy trying to fill the neediness with a girl that was remotely interested in me. The neediness was so strong and it felt awesome because at the time I needed the affection. Now I feel like it's my fault but finger pointing is useless because it already happened and the lesson is to make sure every relationship is not coming from a place of neediness.
It should be two awesome people coming together. Therefore my The priority should be on improving myself instead.
Im starting to notice how I feel needy. I was working out by myself and a group of guys who are more muscular than I am seem to get more affection and what not from random girls. I was thinking about how I wanted the same treatment and what not. Neediness is not a pretty thing that's for sure.
-I wasn't feeling it in the gym before they arrived and when they did It gave me energy so at the very least I can appropriate that.
-Not feeling bad for finding certain women attractive but far from actually being able to approach.
-encountering massive resistance when I am trying to write a cover letter.
(01-26-2016, 09:31 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]-I wasn't feeling it in the gym before they arrived and when they did It gave me energy so at the very least I can appropriate that.
I like the way you monitor your emotions. You're much doing the same thing that I do. I'm also very aware of my own NEEDINESS. When I feel sad, I take that as neediness. When I am jealous, that is neediness. When I'm procrastinating, that is neediness. When I'm about to fap, that is neediness. I see my emotions and actions as lamp signals that tell me about the thoughts that's running in my head. Reviewing my emotions log, I noticed that there's a lot of negativity there, which means I'm very much predisposed to be needy. I also hope this situation changes soon.
(01-26-2016, 11:24 AM)alden Wrote: [ -> ] (01-26-2016, 09:31 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]-I wasn't feeling it in the gym before they arrived and when they did It gave me energy so at the very least I can appropriate that.
I like the way you monitor your emotions. You're much doing the same thing that I do. I'm also very aware of my own NEEDINESS. When I feel sad, I take that as neediness. When I am jealous, that is neediness. When I'm procrastinating, that is neediness. When I'm about to fap, that is neediness. I see my emotions and actions as lamp signals that tell me about the thoughts that's running in my head. Reviewing my emotions log, I noticed that there's a lot of negativity there, which means I'm very much predisposed to be needy. I also hope this situation changes soon.
Yeah I hope so too. I began consciously noticing the changes in this run. Another instance was Me wanting to work in a vape shop but i had to be 21 (im 18). The more emotionally unsettled the more reactive I became and it's a cycle.
For me I think it is because I lived in a sheltered childhood that lacked alot of interaction with others. When I did have social interaction with other kids, I was a dick so it didn't really help. Another thing was finding porn and having relative access to my dad's blazen display of porn fucked it up even more. the mix of isolation and porn at a young age is a fucked up cocktail.
-As my friends are discussing past relationships of other people I begin to find out the things i do like in women. Now to actually uphold these and not bend or rationalize it away because of neediness and desperation.
Today
--I am getting increasingly tired every morning. It might be a combination of recovery and the Subs.
-- I was deadlifing in a room in which half of it was used for a senior yoga class. The other half was occupied by me and my dead lift weights.As I was lifting, a steady stream of college girls are entering the room and doing their own thing ( at this point the room was so crowded so one would fault them for moving to another room). I didn't think much of it because I wanted to hit my numbers today.Then it literally became me surrounded by these girls and I didnt know what to do. I actually felt self conscious for a good bit so I finished what I had to do and foam rolled. When I was foam rolling that's when the looks and stares flood in and I didnt know why....Something sexy about having a spiky foam roller? I left asap because I wasnt used to the stares. Hopefully i can generate this when I am more confident or running sm3 :p
--Watched a video and this question keeps bothering me. Why are Guys so bitch made letting a how many guys a girl slept with to bother them? As I ponder this two sides came up to argue for and against this. The secure side of me says its cool cause now she knows what she likes/dislikes and what not so that's a cool thing. The insecure side of me cant bear to think about the hypothetical girl I'm dating with being pummeled by Chad Thundercock. Of course assuming no STIs. As long as the guy and girl click emotionally, mentally, physically and is exclusive to the guy then what is there to bitch about?
Thoughts? opinions?
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