Subliminal Talk

Day 25
I just noticed my self talk has been much more relaxed and i can make fun of myself. Nice change compared to the rough borderline abusive self talk

Had another interview, this time i became more and more nervous and my mind kept telling me to say this this line. "This must be awkward for you guys like it is for me" and after it became more comfortable.

Dreams
- had a dream where i just completely lost my shit in front of my parents. I felt also much anger and was tearing up in the dream. Its probably my way for releasing the emotions instead of burning bridges in real life.

IRL
Was super frustrated with how a female friend was horrible with planning something today. I became more and more irritated with her but then I was able to let go of it and realized I was partially in the wrong because of some reason. As I was thinking about it, resistance swept over me because my ego didn't want to accept that I was at partially at fault. It quickly left as fast as it arrived and I was able to let go of the irritated feeling. In the past. I would have used to hold on to it and eventually project it towards her

My mind is pulling me two ways now.

AM6- Become a better man/


BASE 2.1- Become a better business man.

Day 27
- I probably didn't get the position for the internship but the interviewer didn't say anything about it this week. I hate not having knowing the final decision. So I sent the woman an email but she hasn't answered so I'm mildly annoyed.

-Set on writing the cover letter for another position in a different company. I had so much resistance that was making me avoid it. Now it was easy and I just went for it. Clear progress small but it is progress nonetheless

-I am so chill with small things that probably would embarrassed me but now I just say "Ehh, I'll live through it". A few days ago I had to rent a suit and it was exceedingly large on me and I didnt have a belt. In essence, I looked like a little kid what was playing make believe. I felt some moments hiding away but most of the time I was just joking to myself about how I looked.

Day 28
After watching the movie Kairo i started thinking about how my life is right now. The internet is a great place for many people to connect with others and yet it makes people feel more isolated. I wonder how the aspect of loneliness and being a "shut in" has affected me as a person. In the movie, the people who entered these shut in places lose their will to live and eventually just disappear from the world leaving a black stain in the wall. Sometimes im just as afraid of losing it.

I started thinking about my life and its own meaning to it. It seems like I havent found it yet. My life feels almost surreal and fake. Thats the part that truely scares me. Where is my meaning in this world? Is there a meaning dor this world? Like many of the black marks in the world, I sometimes in the back of mind I cry out "help me".

Where is my life heading?
How do i feel more "real" in this life?
How do I feel?
I dont think I have truely felt anything. How do i feel again? Almost like I havent had genuine feelings anymore.

(02-27-2016, 12:03 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Day 28
After watching the movie Kairo i started thinking about how my life is right now. The internet is a great place for many people to connect with others and yet it makes people feel more isolated. I wonder how the aspect of loneliness and being a "shut in" has affected me as a person. In the movie, the people who entered these shut in places lose their will to live and eventually just disappear from the world leaving a black stain in the wall. Sometimes im just as afraid of losing it.

I started thinking about my life and its own meaning to it. It seems like I havent found it yet. My life feels almost surreal and fake. Thats the part that truely scares me. Where is my meaning in this world? Is there a meaning dor this world? Like many of the black marks in the world, I sometimes in the back of mind I cry out "help me".

Where is my life heading?
How do i feel more "real" in this life?
How do I feel?
I dont think I have truely felt anything. How do i feel again? Almost like I havent had genuine feelings anymore.

If it helps at all, I had the exact same thoughts and feelings running through me only a few days ago. I felt like my life had no meaning, that everything was hopeless, that I was truly alone and helpless to ever see the light again.

It was my guilt/fear/shame trying to hold on tightly. You are very close to a newfound freedom. I honestly look back on myself and my life just a few weeks ago and I can't believe the change.

It is always darkest before the dawn. Stick in there buddy

Day 31
I swear i think i have some negitive programming that inhibits me from making close bonds with people in my school. This lone wolf mentality is starting to bother me.

(03-01-2016, 09:40 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Day 31
I swear i think i have some negitive programming that inhibits me from making close bonds with people in my school. This lone wolf mentality is starting to bother me.

Personally, I never had social anxiety that should trouble me with making close bonds in my school, but hell yes, I do have this lone wolf mentality, always had, that lead me to sabotage others and keep them at a good distance until they lose interest altogether.

I bet it boils down to fear. Fear of abandonment. Anyway, I wanted to co-sign this post. You are not alone.

(03-01-2016, 10:02 AM)LeonidasXVI Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-01-2016, 09:40 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Day 31
I swear i think i have some negitive programming that inhibits me from making close bonds with people in my school. This lone wolf mentality is starting to bother me.

Personally, I never had social anxiety that should trouble me with making close bonds in my school, but hell yes, I do have this lone wolf mentality, always had, that lead me to sabotage others and keep them at a good distance until they lose interest altogether.

I bet it boils down to fear. Fear of abandonment. Anyway, I wanted to co-sign this post. You are not alone.

Yeah I agree with Leo, it definately has its roots in fear of abandonment. I definately have this fear and its driven me to hide and protect myself too much

(03-01-2016, 07:09 PM)bliss Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-01-2016, 10:02 AM)LeonidasXVI Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-01-2016, 09:40 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Day 31
I swear i think i have some negitive programming that inhibits me from making close bonds with people in my school. This lone wolf mentality is starting to bother me.

Personally, I never had social anxiety that should trouble me with making close bonds in my school, but hell yes, I do have this lone wolf mentality, always had, that lead me to sabotage others and keep them at a good distance until they lose interest altogether.

I bet it boils down to fear. Fear of abandonment. Anyway, I wanted to co-sign this post. You are not alone.

Yeah I agree with Leo, it definately has its roots in fear of abandonment. I definately have this fear and its driven me to hide and protect myself too much

I guess ogsf is still working then. 65 days left of being hammered with the temptation of using am6

(03-01-2016, 08:31 PM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-01-2016, 07:09 PM)bliss Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-01-2016, 10:02 AM)LeonidasXVI Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-01-2016, 09:40 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Day 31
I swear i think i have some negitive programming that inhibits me from making close bonds with people in my school. This lone wolf mentality is starting to bother me.

Personally, I never had social anxiety that should trouble me with making close bonds in my school, but hell yes, I do have this lone wolf mentality, always had, that lead me to sabotage others and keep them at a good distance until they lose interest altogether.

I bet it boils down to fear. Fear of abandonment. Anyway, I wanted to co-sign this post. You are not alone.

Yeah I agree with Leo, it definately has its roots in fear of abandonment. I definately have this fear and its driven me to hide and protect myself too much

I guess ogsf is still working then. 65 days left of being hammered with the temptation of using am6

Your AM6 run will be sooo much better after your run of OGSF though

(03-01-2016, 07:09 PM)bliss Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-01-2016, 10:02 AM)LeonidasXVI Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-01-2016, 09:40 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Day 31
I swear i think i have some negitive programming that inhibits me from making close bonds with people in my school. This lone wolf mentality is starting to bother me.

Personally, I never had social anxiety that should trouble me with making close bonds in my school, but hell yes, I do have this lone wolf mentality, always had, that lead me to sabotage others and keep them at a good distance until they lose interest altogether.

I bet it boils down to fear. Fear of abandonment. Anyway, I wanted to co-sign this post. You are not alone.

Yeah I agree with Leo, it definately has its roots in fear of abandonment. I definately have this fear and its driven me to hide and protect myself too much

As well as fear of rejection, fear of being judged, fear of being disliked, etc

Day 33/96
Running into some serious self hatred and resentment for my own ethnicity. It seems like white people have all the advantages across the board to me. I seem to not connect well with my race or others in general. Plus resenting other people's successes. As Im typing this out I realize I am all kinds of fucked up ;P

More of an Indication to amp up the listening time.