Subliminal Talk

(01-29-2025, 02:33 AM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Eh.. I had some bs almost completely derail PM.

As soon as it happened I become aware of the definite but subtle difference I was feeling. This has happened in the past when i've derailed other programs, realizing they were both doing more than I thought, but also not 'breaking through' in certain areas.

Felt my insecurities flooding back in, like they were in progress being worked on. Even stuff like little things I did when hanging out with my friends and feeling anxious or guilty about doing those things, when at the time they felt natural and okay. (eg checking girls out).

Then went on a porn binge which didn't help, stopped at less times than usual but then again today 2 days later. And also getting 'stuck' looking at bs on social media even more. (PM was really lessening that which is good).

I went down the street today though to a couple of shops and this was interesting. I was more talkative, I noticed the woman in the fruit shop who I said was standoffish last week was okay, happy and laughing heaps again. Makes sense since PM was derailed so my vibe lessened, she may have an issue with masculinity since she hates Donald Trump.

Went to another shop and talked to the girl who served me and she was responsive. She's a bit fat but okay, but I was thinking about it after and I come up with a theory. So PM was working to 'increase my level' so to speak, and I was looking at more attractive girls, but not feeling totally comfortable and not really talking to them, and now it's like that was disrupted and my mind settled at my level that it's more comfortable with.

Also I was noticing i've started to look better, and today I looked in the mirror and was like "fuck I look fat". So maybe it was my perception shifting, and the other thought that my self image was shifting and PM was moving me towards it (being in better shape) and I was perceiving that. I do feel i'm in a bit better shape though and have noticed some increased strength.

I was struggling with my workout this morning. I've had this a few other times in that i'll be doing my warmup (foam rolling and such) and be really tired, and just lay there and be like "what's the fucking point, I should not just do my workout". That went on for a while then I suddenly was like "no, fucking stop, shut the fuck up and stop being a victim, i'm doing this workout" and I felt a bit better and ended up doing the workout and it went pretty good.

This "what's the fucking point" thing is a familiar pattern that comes up strongly and fairly intensely at times in general, not just working out. Like "Fuck it, I distupted, fucked up, destroyed my results again, why am I even bothering" then I just keep on going, something keeps me going, but I keep wondering "is it just going to be enough one day and I just reach the end of the determination and just give up".

When PM was kicking in and flowing I felt good on it and okay to continue it. Now that it was interrupted and it feels pretty much like I destroyed a month of progress (thought - is this some other type of resistance that tries to stop me?) i'm more considering just going onto a 6g program. Whether that be OSC, or probably more useful for me OGSF. Shannon said OGSF v2 was hitting pretty directly upon my core issues which is why I fucking hated it and it was my least favourite program. It'd be interesting to see what 6g does.

Of course AM7 is a big fuck yes for me at some stage.

Change that post so it doesn't violate our rules against politics.

You're in a cycle.  Every time, you do the same things.  You make progress, second guess yourself, continue witth progress, hit a wall, self sabotage, second guess yourself and then justify moving on to a different program.  You do this every time you encounter something uncomfortable, or anything that could make progress.

During all this, did you run PM to counter any of it?  Didn't sound like it.

So get back on PM, hit it hard, and crush self sabotage.  Don't worry about 6G programs.  You don't have those.  Stop letting your resistant parts get away with this same pattern of bullshit.

Quote:Change that post so it doesn't violate our rules against politics.

You're in a cycle.  Every time, you do the same things.  You make progress, second guess yourself, continue witth progress, hit a wall, self sabotage, second guess yourself and then justify moving on to a different program.  You do this every time you encounter something uncomfortable, or anything that could make progress.

During all this, did you run PM to counter any of it?  Didn't sound like it.

So get back on PM, hit it hard, and crush self sabotage.  Don't worry about 6G programs.  You don't have those.  Stop letting your resistant parts get away with this same pattern of bullshit.

Ok done, didn't think of that as it was only the name.

I've noticed my ability to stick to it for a period of time has lessened, but that also partly comes from doing so and not getting what I was hoping still.

I did run it when this was coming up, I explored potential resistance to the hybrid volume then I was able to listen to it at the described volume. I listened to 1 loop of it on each of those days (on top of my night listening). I just realized that hybrid may have triggered me more, as after it yesterday I stayed up an hour later looking at porn.  

So i'll try ocean surf instead. I also did 2 extra nights of listening after the derailment happened, which is interesting in that I felt like all the results were gone, but the autoconfig was there saying "don't take tonight off, do another night" until last night where I needed a night off.

So I haven't stopped PM, but that was definately part of my thought process. I feel a bit more relaxed today after the night off, after extending the listening by 2 nights.

Even just the man's mane has become a lightning rod for argument and controversy and is impossible to separate from politics. You know that.

On Saturday I had the PM vibe really kick in, it was awesome.

Every girl or woman that served me was responding really well, all happy, seemed attracted and bubbly. And I was talking to them more, subtly in ways I usually wouldn't.

I was getting annoyed that there was a lack of things to go, the same old shit. Then I drove around a bit and went to a shop I don't usually go. The cute girl working putting stuff on shelves gave me the biggest smile and I said a few things to her and she responded happily. I even complimented her on how well the store was decorated which I wouldn't usually do and she seemed happy.

Then went to an art place that just opened near there, there was a woman on the phone I didn't really pay much attention to. Then she started talking to me after she hung up, turns out she was the owner. She was actually fairly attractive and was giving all kinds of signals, playing with her necklace, all feminine and bubbly. I mentioned something about drawing and after a bit I got a big uncomfortable even though I wanted to stay and keep talking and was like "Ok good luck, I better get going" then she reinitiated by saying "Bring your drawings in anytime" which was a big hint, I chatted a bit more and left.

I sat in my car like "fuck, that was so obvious and I noticed the signals" but I was still having this insecurity "what if i'm wrong and I ask her out and she rejects me". I sat there for a bit wanting to go back in but I didn't. I drove past when I left and the shop must have closed. I definately regretted it, she was showing the most attraction i've had from a woman in a while, though I guess a similar amount to the one at the psychic market. Alot of frustration that I keep missing opportunities cos of my fucking fear, and today again feeling like what's the point of putting in all this effort into other things when I don't seem to get where I want and this crazy fear still stops me.

That night some sabotage come up and derailed alot of it, and I suddenly felt weird and insecure about the things I was doing, how I was talking to the girls and suddenly felt kind of weird and anxious about it, I guess a bit like "Is that really me?" as i'm not used to it.

The last few days i've been feeling a bit low and frustrated. Explored the resistance yesterday and some stuff kicked back in, like my sex drive last night in bed.

But along with that is this frustration, feeling like I don't give a fuck about much and feeling really bored at everything. The frustration tends to build, like I can't handle my sex drive or desire and the pattern has been that I goto porn. If I manage to hold it off for a while my thoughts go really dark and I get more frustrated and can't really focus, and I don't know what to do about it.

If I goto porn it drains my drive, my energy, my strength and enthusiasm with working out and sets me back with that, and also drains my confidence and makes me feel worse.

Definately other stuff coming up too, along with that frustration is some aggression towards certain people and how everything they preach and spread in the world causes the destruction of anything good and replied to a few of them on facebook and aggressive thoughts of getting into arguments with them if I come across it in person.. so it's definately working on something around my reactiveness and being triggered by it.

As alot of the time on PM, i've known that I don't like it but i've been alot less emotionally reactive. Today it's like alot of that come back and more.

8 loops seems to be what I need, some nights i've gone down to 4 when I have the urge but then back to 8.

During my workout today I felt an increased sense of strength, usually I just go through my workout and no longer really feel this, nor the pumped up feeling I used to get which I believe was when I had higher testosterone, a feeling I love.

Today it wasn't massive but it was noticable. Maybe a couple of exercises in, I added an extra chinup and I felt pumped and was like "FUCK YEAH" which I can do cos I workout at home. I look forward to this building more. It's okay that it's not massive and sudden, i'd rather sustained and built over time so that it is more consistent and established to increase my results over time and sustain that.

I had the urge to go down the street, again I didn't really 'feel' much different, kind of just calm but again I was very much projecting something. I had this inspiration to goto a certain shop, I went in and to the sports section. The girl working asked if I needed help, and another girl working walked past and gave a massive smile, then she asked me "is it hot out there" and then enthusiastically expanded on when she went on her break earlier.

I definately noticed the enthusiasm and annoyingly I kind of was uncomfortable like "wow, i'm not used to this". I've got this several times on PM so far and it still takes me by surprise, i'm still fucking frustrated that some part of me when it notices this lessens it or shuts it down a bit. I just said "yeah" (great fucking response) and she looked annoyed like i'd rejected her or something, I recovered after not long but then she had gone in the back room to do stuff and didn't come back out. I was ready to keep talking to her.

I made a comment instead to the first one who had initially asked if I needed help when I left who was also cute and she responded well.. but she didn't inspire me like the 2nd one did.

My vibe lessened a bit but still was going on. Still I don't really notice it with girls who are walking past, other than one who had her head down when she seen me which is a submissive response. I rarely get smiles but I do get the submissive response at times.

Went into a clothes shop, a cute girl was working and talked to her briefly, she was happy and responsive too. The one in the first shop I could feel was attracted, not sure about this one but she was happy to talk.

Then walking down the street I noticed something funny, but again when I noticed this part of me shut it down a bit. But maybe 3 guys who walked past me suddenly seemed to be trying to put on a tough walk, but then they would get close and walk around me. I remember stuff like this on AM but it was more exaggerated on AM, like a big guy trying to act really tough then as soon as he got close his bodylanguage would shut down. I'd say it's actually an unconscious response from these guys, kind of like when I notice attention from girls and something shuts it down a bit. I had a thought of "what if I start working to assume I will get this good reaction". But then I don't know if that's good either, because i've had times like on AM I would be expecting these good reactions and then get pissed off and shut down more cos I didn't get it. 

I then went into a bigger store and walked around a bit. When I went to the checkouts I went through the self-serve as there's barely anyone serving most of the time but there was a woman watching the self-serves, she was older and ugly but her response to me was so happy and over the top it also took me off guard. But because I had no attraction to her it didn't throw me off like the attractive girl and I chatted to her briefly.

Come home and i've got my one through the day ocean surf loop on, which I also think is good timing to help process some of the stuff from my outing.

I admit it's difficult to see some of the OSC journals and keep doing PM. Of course i've noticed that with most programs the initial journals are reporting good stuff at first atleast, hopefully with 6g that is alot more consistent over the longer term.

Current thought is stick to PM for my initial plan of atleast 3 months then see what to do. I'm liking that some stuff around becoming physically stronger is kicking in and around my workouts and I want that to build more too.

Stick with PM. Work through the BS.

Still sticking with it, the frustration is not knowing the difference between resistance coming up, or something being worked through, or this 'sabotage' derailing and ruining it. Or if they are all connected.

Something seems to be getting worked on. 2 days ago I went down the street and my vibe was strong, got a smile from across a shop from a woman staring at me, then she walked back past a few minutes later and said "sorry" cos she was trying to get past, but sometimes that's a way to get attention. She was way older than I thought but I was going to talk to her, then I turned around and she went up to a man who I assume was her husband weird.

The woman serving me wasn't attractive but was really happy and expanded on it noticably when I asked how the day was going. And when I walked out a woman walking towards me up the steps was staring at me and giving me a vibe too.

I went to another shop and don't remember anything noticable, but I was feeling good and calm.

Then last night or this morning I was thinking about how much I like this 'thick skin' effect from PM, and the sabotage then come up strongly which is how it tends to work.

Had a few dreams last night, one was a sex dream but the others were me looking at porn.. I realized that it's working through these issues that make me want to look at porn, which tends to be frustration at not having sex or being able to find a girlfriend. I was thinking about how it's awesome PM is lessening my urge to look at porn.. and again the sabotage come up and really derailed that.

Eventually I went down the street, and I felt awkward and a little uncomfortable. Where i've been feeling calm and comfortable and not caring much about other guys, though still staying aware, it was like I felt an increased 'threat' and I wouldn't say intimidation but increased 'reactiveness' and felt like other guys were more dominant than me and I was the one shrinking when they would come past me. I fucking hate that feeling, it seems PM is working on something around that.

And this time the vibe I was projecting seemed to be repulsing girls. I seen one walk into a shop with a pram and someone drew me to her, I went to the toilet then went into that shop, she was coming out and I was looking at her and she kind of had a I guess bitchy kind of look on her face, and this is something else i've noticed a few times on PM when i'm making eye contact with girls, sometimes it seems they have their mouth open or almost like they are wanting to say something but cant.. sounds fucking weird I know but it's the best I can explain it. I've also seen this reaction when my vibe is good, I don't know how to interpret it from this girl though.

Then walked past a bookshop and seen a girl working who inspired me, and I went in, she seemed to give me a weird look and try to avoid me. I then walked past her and she gave me that look where she is disregarding me and just looked to the side, and it fucking pissed me off.

Then 2 other customers come in and she said "how's it going today" to them but said nothing to me. I was thinking "what the fuck is your problem, why the fuck do you say hi to them" and thinking aggressive thoughts. Really I could have said "hi" to her, but I didn't. I need to stop waiting for them to do so and take the lead, obviously there is fear around that alot of the time.

This reminds me of earlier on PM when I talked to a girl at a music thing who i've talked to before and she basically disregarded me and walked off and I was getting really aggressive thoughts and really affected by it. So it seems it's digging deeper into whatever that is, it passed a bit after with this first girl and I was then okay with it, and come back in force today.

Actually not coincidentally, this kind of frustration and annoyance, fear of rejection and how much it affects me is one of the main things that has sent me to porn in the past. I'm feeling kind of okay now, a bit 'low' but feel like i'm able to deal with those feelings. I'm listening to a loop of ocean surf currently.

Also i've been feeling like I look better physically, but today with all this stuff coming up I was looking in the mirror and thinking that I look fat and that nothing is improving at all.

Make sure to read the "Types Of Resistance And How To Spot Them" once in a while.

(02-12-2025, 09:19 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Make sure to read the "Types Of Resistance And How To Spot Them" once in a while. 

I'll do that. What's funny is I can easily tell if other people are experiencing this and direct them to that post occasionally through email, yet when it comes to myself.. it slips my mind and I don't even think of it.

Eh. So i've identified that it seems the deeper it's going and the closer it gets to dealing with certain things.. the more push back I get from this 'sabotage'.

For 2 nights in a row, I had this very distinct feeling that something big was shifting, in an altered state that I can't explain but I know it was from PM. And each time this sabotage come up and lessened it.

I had toastmasters 2 nights ago and I run the meeting. Another pattern I get is that i'll be feeling confident and feeling shifts from whatever i'm listening to, and then when i'm driving somewhere this sabotage will come up alot and lessen it several times. I still went to toastmasters and it went pretty well, I enjoy being in that position where i'm taking responsibility and leadership for the group and running it. I'm feeling like PM is increasing some of that for me.

Also a cool thing that I attribute to PM helping me to improve my workouts and get back into progressive overload, plus possibly increased testosterone and maybe the mental aspect, I don't know.. but it's doing something. I've noticed slightly in the mirror I look a bit different, not heaps but a bit. Anyway, a guy after toastmasters who has known me for ages and only said it now said "Have your arms always been this jacked or have I just not been paying attention?".

Good sign, I always have also found it difficult to notice my own physical shifts.. and I know when someone else comments it means it's more than I thought it was and I look forward to that continuing. Also when it comes to doing my workouts it's flowing more, I just go and do it without having to push myself to most of the time.

Though after this I was thinking about how good it was and feeling good, then sabotage and other shit was coming up against it trying to bring that down.

Yesterday down the street I feel I had some more masculine vibe kick in. I seen cop lights and went to have a look, some dude getting arrested, I seen a guy I know walk past so stood there and talked to him, several girls walked past and I felt some kind of vibe from them.

Then I went into a shop that I don't think i've ever been into cos i'm not interested in the clothes but I had a feeling I should go in there. An older woman asked if I needed help, and a younger cute one said "how's it going" and the older one left, I ended up talking to the cute one and she was really happy to talk. I didn't necessarily feel 'inspired' by her, but the main thing is I think i'm a little more adjusted to these responses, but there's still an element of insecurity from me like "i'm distracting her from work, i'm taking up her time if I keep talking to her" but the responses are evidence that they do definately want me to keep talking to them. I ended up leaving after a brief chat.

I went into another shop before that, seen a guy out the front who works there who I worked with years ago, chatted to him more than I think I ever have. And it was interesting he opened up about some crazy stuff that happened to him, like my vibe from PM made him open up more.

I've just done 2 extra nights on PM, as I had this strong urge to keep going instead of stopping after the 4 days for the rest days, it was almost like it was working on something and needed more, 2 nights ago which was the 1st extra night on it really felt like something big was shifting.. then last night I had the urge for one more night and listened.

And fuck.. the sabotage come up very strongly, in a slightly different way. I think I made a little progress on it before starting PM in that when it comes up I get less upset at it, but this time I got fucking annoyed, frustrated, pissed off. It was like I said it seems the more it's potentially hitting upon certain things the more this pushback.. it really seemed to fuck alot of my results up and really send me backwards. I woke up today feeling shit, tired, drained.. I was going to go somewhere but now my head is hurting.

So yesterday, a bit the day before I was feeling this increased masculine vibe building.. then last night when all that come up it feels like it just all disappeared. I'm fucking sick of this shit happening, but yes i'm recognizing as I write this that this has happened a couple of other times during PM, though this time I think it happened more strongly. And the last few times it's built back up again and results have got better after it's built back up.

Also I was starting to see a sense that at the start of PM I said what it seemed to be doing wasn't what I expected, wheras recently it seems to be getting into more of a 'masculine' vibe that I expected, maybe it was working through the other more 'soft' stuff as it's going towards what I want, still not sure.

At the start I had no interest in watching Andrew Tate, whereas i've been watching him again this week. Despite him going way too far into cockiness and going on about how good he is at everything, he's the strongest guy in the world and other stuff like he talks to you as if you're a peasant and he's the king of the world which ends up in some weird theories.. he is VERY much unapologetically masculine, confident, strong and secure in himself, and very much Alpha despite what guys who hate him try to say about him, i've noticed that all the guys who cry about him being 'insecure' and all the other nonsense they probably also try to throw at masculinity in general are the weak, pooncey type of men.

But the way his vibe is, his bodylanguage, walk, how he presents himself in general is spot on. I just don't like all the "you have to have all these sportscars and mansions" kind of stuff and I don't care about fancy cars, plus i'm noticing recently his "i'm the best in the world" attitude has got much stronger and sometimes I turn the videos off when he goes on about that too much. Still he's 1,000,000x a better role model for boys and men than the nonsense they are growing up with now.

Anyway, the last few days I was inspired to goto a certain thing today, but today I can't bring myself to.. plus also what's interesting is that it's raining and that seems to both match how i'm feeling and give me an excuse as it was an outside event.

And last night when this sabotage come up and derailed things, I got some chest tightness which seems to be combined with a fight and flight feeling and being unable to sleep. This was one of my symptoms I especially had years ago, and it could partly be explained that I forgot to do the thing that is helping to clear my chest of phlegm.. but it seems distinct that it come up straight after this sabotage happened and was very noticable.. wheras before that it wasn't so it points more to it being some kind of psychological/subconscious type fear response or something.

Right now, as a way of pointing it out to myself and since i'm in the middle of reading 'types of resistance' i'm currently having an attempted 'run away' response, aswell as the urge to go and use something else. This stuff all classically comes up when this sabotage comes up.

I don't actually expect this would happen but i'd love a 6g version of Primal Masculinity so I can better get through this shit.

(02-14-2025, 05:20 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Also a cool thing that I attribute to PM helping me to improve my workouts and get back into progressive overload, plus possibly increased testosterone and maybe the mental aspect, I don't know.. but it's doing something. I've noticed slightly in the mirror I look a bit different, not heaps but a bit.

I'm experiencing the same thing. Progressive overload is much easier than it's been in the past, mainly because of my mindset. To me, strength   (physical, mental,  emotional,  spiritual,  etc.)  is a masculine trait. As my inner strengths increase,  the outer strength seems to naturally follow. I really hope to see this aspect of PM infused into AM7.

(02-14-2025, 05:20 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Yesterday down the street I feel I had some more masculine vibe kick in. 

I had this happen yesterday. For the most part,  I'm very relaxed on PM.  But I despise being at any place or any event where large numbers of people gather. Well, there I was. As I walked through the crowds I felt myself projecting a semi-aggressive 'this is my space...stay out  of my way and don't fuck with me' vibe. 
It turns out that the inner badass I wrote about early on can show up if he feels called upon.   

From past experience,  I know the "tides of change" can be frustrating. But it indicates that you're making progress. Keep it up man.

Quote:I'm experiencing the same thing. Progressive overload is much easier than it's been in the past, mainly because of my mindset. To me, strength (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc.) is a masculine trait. As my inner strengths increase, the outer strength seems to naturally follow. I really hope to see this aspect of PM infused into AM7.

Definately agree. I can't comprehend how anyone could try to say that strength isn't a masculine trait.. but somehow there's a whole load of nutcases trying to tell us that bullshit. It's funny cos I 'know' about progressive overload, but wasn't necessarily doing it for ages. Last time I followed it consistently I got good results, and PM seems to have pushed me to do a program where I can do it gradually and that suits what I want to develop.

I definately hope there is stuff im AM7 to help with workouts and physique, but i'm guessing it won't be in there directly. Personally I think that having a good physique and being functionally strong and functional physically in general can't be seperated from fully developing your masculinity. That also includes learning how to protect yourself for me.

Quote:I had this happen yesterday. For the most part, I'm very relaxed on PM. But I despise being at any place or any event where large numbers of people gather. Well, there I was. As I walked through the crowds I felt myself projecting a semi-aggressive 'this is my space...stay out of my way and don't fuck with me' vibe.
It turns out that the inner badass I wrote about early on can show up if he feels called upon. Superman

From past experience, I know the "tides of change" can be frustrating. But it indicates that you're making progress. Keep it up man.

I haven't had it too much, it was only briefly that day. I do notice my thoughts are more aggressive at times, like thinking of situations and i'm imagining myself acting more aggressively.

In general the calm feeling you mentioned is what PM has been for me. I actually like it, still i've observed things that show I am projecting masculinity such as when I mentioned I seen myself on a screen when I walked into the supermarket and I didn't recognize myself for a split second and my walk was noticably different, though i'm not really consicously aware of those things and alot of the time feel pretty much the same.

Thanks, i'm trying, hit a period yesterday and today I was close to giving it up. I'll expand on that in another post.

More bs, I have been wondering if this part of me that is 'sabotaging' is partly a cause of this.

So i've mainly been doing 8 loops, then I had the strong urge to go back to 4. It's like i've mentioned before when I did a bodybuilding program in the past you do selective overtraining then dial it back, it felt like that. After the first night on 4 loops it felt like things were opening up and even more insecurities were coming up like it gave it the space to work.

A few days ago playing a game there was a brief sex scene in it, after it I was like "fuck I shouldn't have chosen that option" but somehow even in games it 'feels' like it's important to do so like it gives me a little bit of a feeling of achieving it even if it's in a game. Why I shouldn't have chosen it was that seeing tits in it triggered the desire to want to look at porn. I resisted it and it passed.

Then yesterday I decided to work on the resistance with the method I was studying before starting PM. I've done it several times on PM so far, and so far it didn't seem to conflict, it actually seemed to help open things up.

Doing it yesterday, I dug through a couple of layers and I found "I don't want to take responsibility for my life" and "I can't handle taking responsibility for my life". The layer above that was "It's too hard being a man" and similar variations. I worked on the responsibility ones.

After doing this work I didn't feel that I had derailed PM like I have felt in the past with other programs and i've derailed it. But I did notice that it did something in that the urge to look at porn increased massively, and I went on a binge. I KNEW and thought before it "each time this takes me further away from having sex for real" but it doesn't matter, it's like this bullshit just automatically hijacks me and I can't stop it, I manage to get through it for a while then it hits.

But this shows me how much PM is helping me not look at porn. I think each time it's been a good amount of time between, noticably longer than before starting PM. But I still get annoyed that I fucked myself over again. So I somehow derailed something in PM and whatever was stopping me from looking at porn was disrupted.

Also after that strong resistance, wanting to use something else. This morning I was very, very close to just saying "fuck it" and doing OSC.

Then I realized.. this exact thing that's happening represents what I worked on. Not wanting to take responsibility, just wanting to run away to something else.

When I realized that I relaxed, and I thought "Okay, in 4 days i'm at the 2 month mark, and I decided i'd commit to 3 months, so i'm going to take responsibility for that and keep going for the 3 months then decide."

Also after I seemed to 'derail' PM I noticed a subtle sense of 'something' like a vibe from PM was gone.. when this happens, or when the sabotage has come up and it seems like all the results have disappeared like i've reported several times.. I always notice that this happens, that I was feeling different but it's subtle and somehow at the same time distinct, but I only notice that after disrupting it and it disappears.

Like each time now i'm pissed off thinking "fuck I totally destroyed my whole vibe and other things PM was doing, what if it doesn't build up again?".

I also at the same time where I really wanted to run away to something else, I started having thoughts of "Ok it's doing something, remember when I seen myself on the camera in the supermarket and my walk was noticably different and I almost didn't recognize myself" and a few other things.. so it is doing something definately. But really i'm sick of spending 6+ months on programs, getting 'some' stuff but not the full expression, not a 'transformation' where i'm moving forward in a concrete way.. it's almost like i'm moving 'sideways' if that makes sense.

Again if this sabotage shit wasn't happening, i'd have MUCH more distinct shifts that I start noticing are happening but in that moment are derailed and lessened quite a bit and it stops the realization that was starting to happen. You know when you just have it 'hit' you at the body level and you realize something and there is a shift. I used to have that and it would bring noticable shifts, now it gets sabotaged.

Also those feelings of "nothing ever works for me, nothings going to work for me" have come back after all of this, where it seemed PM had dealt with some of those feelings and thoughts. Part of wanting to goto OSC is thinking "Ok will 6g better deal with this sabotage, am I just wasting my time continuing with PM."

All convincing, rational thoughts that 'make sense' but are they just resistance? It can be very hard to know, because sometimes these kinds of thoughts can be true. Though the timing of it of course suggest resistance.

Ah.. just keep going.

Last night after interrupting things I had this strong urge to do 10 loops, seriously, it seemed like the usual urge. Then in the morning I was like "I have to stop it playing" and I realized it only played 4 cos of a weird thing with playlists in vlc on my phone, but 4 seemed okay. And tonight my urge is back at 4 loops.

I went to the doctor, felt like my energy was down a bit cos of the porn binge, and I seemed to be projecting a weird kind of vibe. Partly the PM vibe, partly a weird vibe due to the porn.

The woman that I checked in with gave me a weird response. The doctor was okay, he had a cute medical student in with him and she would smile when I looked at her, I chatted to her briefly. I wouldn't say anything past just being friendly.

I went out to pay and was lined up, there was this older guy next to me and I was getting a weird vibe from me like he was intimidated. I was standing there with my arms crossed, it seemed like he was intimidated when I would look at him or near him and was also looking at my arms.. I got a weird response like he was worried when I looked at him so i just said "how's it going" then I tried not to keep looking at him.

There was him and another guy in front of me, but the weird thing here is he said "you can go first" then the other guy said the same also. Interesting, that generally doesn't happen to me.

I went home straight after so nothing else to report, but I thought it made sense to comment on that.