Subliminal Talk

It's time.

I've been putting it off for quite a while, all kinds of excuses and even fear and resistance. I'd get to the time i'd be about to use it and something would come up, and now a month later I finally made the decision to start today, of course this morning I was having more fear come up, telling me I should do something else. I explored it a bit and worked on that.

The thing I like about Primal Masculinity (the description) is that you can create your own definition, so i've written quite a long document defining everything for myself with the intention of PM to use it as a reference. I also have written a commitment to read daily that sets my main intention and focus for the program that i'm hoping will allow it to use that as the priority. I don't know what effect that will have, but I believe setting this intention will help.

As some of you can see in journals, and very much in my past journals especially AM journals.. it can be an emotional rollercoaster and especially when you hit upon resistance you can feel like it's doing nothing and it can depend how you feel on the day whether you say it's doing much or not.

So some things i've done to more concretely measure results -
-Testosterone test.
-Before photos and video. (I don't plan to share these publicly but can share it with certain people i've had enough interaction with here).
-Video of me on the bag (martial arts).
-Rated and described my current experience in several main areas.

I believe that one of my big issues is low testosterone. It's been ridiculously low, originally when I had chronic fatigue and other stuff it was 97, around 3 months ago was 297 which is the highest in years, and a month ago was 247 which is my before reading. I know it's a month ago when I intended to start, but it's close enough to measure and see hopefully concrete results.

Obviously my main priority i've set the intent for that I won't expand on here.

But my other areas I want it to help with is obviously working out and physique as i've got to a point I can workout okay again but have really struggled to look how I want again, to really get back into shape no matter what workouts I try. So I believe PM will help boost this and clear out some of the limitations around it, some of it physical but I also believe there's a mental component to this.

Also martial arts, my other passion I want PM to boost my training, skills and performance to a higher level.

So both of these include improving my physique, but not to a bodybuilder level but more athletic warrior kind of look, ripped but looking dangerous and capable but also genuinely being capable. Functional strength and fitness for training but also for life.

Why? Cos the world is getting more retarded each day, and the people who are meant to protect us from crazy people seem to just be not doing anything about it anymore because of these 'poor misunderstood people' or whatever it is today.

But also wanting to develop capability, self-reliance, independence in other areas of my life. And also to recover and expand on my drive for life and my goals, that has been severely lacking, partly I feel due to low testosterone but also things i've gone through in the last 6 years or so.

And a big one is destroying any feminist/woke/bs programming inside me.. i'm very against all of it but I still see that it has and is affecting me in negative ways and i've noticed in recent times i've had much more of a 'thin skin' with this stuff, it's affecting me alot more and even seen myself getting a bit into the victim mode because of how men are being attacked and ridiculed in society constantly. I'm way too emotionally reactive to it, though I know this is much better than having zero awareness about it or even worse being okay with what they are telling me a 'man' should be that is completely, inherently against strength and masculinity.

It IS a reality no matter how much these people try to lie and pretend it isn't, but I want to develop a thick skin to it, stand up to it if needed. For example not arguing uselessly on social media about it, but if I come across it in my life or it's directed at me then stand up to it. But also knowing when to ignore it and just do and be who I want to be.

And also take concrete actions to push back against it all, by being an embodiment of real strength and masculinity and not the bullshit pc 'new age' bullshit they are trying to force onto us pretending that they need to redefine it.. when in reality it's a way to manipulate and control us.. and to stop men standing up to the massive amounts of bullshit both happening in the world and being thrown at them.

So I like the idea of what Nomad called "the thick skin effect".

To reconnect with alot of things i've lost that I seen when reading my old journals, but in a smoother and less psycho way than I seen in my old journals where I was way too much of a massive asshole. With all i've been through since then and the healing i've done my ideas are more balanced, but definately are much more towards the 'traditional' angle of masculinity.

But to have both sides, the hardcore, primal side where I can stand up for myself and others, handle myself physically and in conflict, be assertive and strong and stand up and say "no" when i need to. But also having a loving, playful, fun side when appropriate and being able to relax.

I also know that physicality isn't enough when I got into the best shape of my life, the top percentage in the gym but still was insecure and my confidence and self-esteem didn't match that and most of the girls I was with were not that much higher quality than when I was overweight.

So along with physicality, developing genuine confidence, self-esteem, self-assurance and such. They both work together, having one without the other isn't complete and they both benefit each other.

As for girls, not much happening in that area. I've struggled to get past the fear that increased alot since dealing with the fatigue and such. I know PM isn't specifically focused on that, but I do have some things in my definitions around that and I hope that it will help, but the priority is on my own development and that as a positive side effect.

My initial plan is to commit for 3 months and look at the measurements I mentioned and then further commit if it's going in the direction I want.

Usage -
Started 23/12/24.

To start - Use this experience for 1 loop per day on, for 4 days on and 1 days off per usage cycle.

Good luck my man! Excited to see your progress.

(12-23-2024, 03:35 PM)Frosted Wrote: [ -> ]Good luck my man! Excited to see your progress.

Thanks man, i'll write up my first impressions in a seperate post.

First listening was last night a few hours before bed. I sat in my room and read.

First thing I noticed is that the book i'm reading is about anti-fragility and resilience in the area of physical training. And that I was resonating much more with what I was reading, plus what I read showed me that i've had the right idea in the past with some of my training.

Then maybe 30 minutes in, I had the sudden urge to look through my masculinity books and get rid of a few that are preaching the new age bullshit. What's interesting is I instantly knew which books even if I haven't read 2 of them. One I wasn't sure of I read bits of it which confirmed my suspicion.. anything that spouts nonsense about 'redefining masculinity' is almost without exception nonsense that contributes to weakening men.

Instead of donating or giving away these 3 books I found I threw them in the bin, because I don't want to spread this stuff into the world to contribute to that.

Had a few interesting dreams that I don't remember. I remembered one this morning, but couldn't really figure out the meaning. I got a package of training dvd's from a certain instructor and I had ordered it as a present for a woman I know, I wouldn't fully call her a friend as but sometimes hang out with her when I see my other friend and she comes along. It doesn't make sense as she's not interested in martial arts training. I took it as potentially either it directing me to look at this guys material for ideas for my training, or that it's just working on something around my enthusiasm for training. Why it involved her I have no idea.

I've decided to listen at night, but this morning I had a strong desire to listen, like i'm craving the input and that it's giving me something I really need. I didn't though as i'll stick to nights. Not sure if an extra loop this morning then doing tonight is a good idea or not.

I woke up and instead of wasting time went straight to one thing I usually do later in the day.  Then decided to do something i've been putting off because it's uncomfortable, but then another issue come up when trying to deal with it.

Now i'm sitting here feeling depressed, feeling like everything I was feeling that was good is gone. Actually i'm even finding it difficult to think and finish the post properly. I started it enthusiastic now I seem to have forgotten where I was going with it. Suddenly tired, can't concentrate and my motivation to do stuff disappeared.

Along with that still interestingly is the craving to do a loop now. I'm not sure if I should just go with it, do one now and then the normal night loop. Weirdly the feeling is like "I need to listen again as a top up".

Why do you always do this, Ben? You don't listen to the AutoConfig, and you always regret it. Stop second guessing it and just do what it's telling you to do. The AutoConfig is there for people who need something significantly different than the instructions that work for the majority. Stop being a schmuck and follow the urges it's giving you!

(12-24-2024, 08:38 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Why do you always do this, Ben?  You don't listen to the AutoConfig, and you always regret it.  Stop second guessing it and just do what it's telling you to do.  The AutoConfig is there for people who need something significantly different than the instructions that work for the majority.  Stop being a schmuck and follow the urges it's giving you!

I generally do, but sometimes there's been confusion with that as you've stated that it's important to do a few cycles as described first so I was trying to stick to that.

I didn't get it come up today, but if it does i'll follow it. I'll report on some more stuff soon.

Actually I realized after I said the above, that I am getting a sense of "I'm liking this input of Primal Masculinity, but it feels like I need MORE input, I need MORE of this".

This is interesting. On most past subs it tends to take a while to have dreams with intense emotions, well last night the 2nd night I had one.

First it started off like I was in a video game setting up an ambush for some public figure or something. I don't really remember that part and it doesn't stand out.

But the next part I was out the front of this technological kind of 2 story mansion, and it had these electronic 'tracks' leading from the door to a tv there. My auntie and someone else (maybe another relative i'm not sure) were trying to turn the tv up with a remote and it wasn't working. I had another remote and was trying to help.

The volume then come on and they were standing on this 'track' near the door and suddenly there was this explosion with electricity flying out everywhere and they were on the ground. And there were fires everywhere, I realized my mum and dad were on the 2nd floor and tried to go in but the stairs were all destroyed and there were fires everywhere so I couldn't get up there.

I remember strong feelings of fear and panic and I was screaming.

I woke up not feeling good, but realizing that when this happens it means it's working through something. I woke up with this weird thought and feelings of "I don't want to be violent, I just want to feel love".

Confusing, as part of my goal of the program is to improve my martial arts skills and such.. but in reality I don't want to have to fight. Thinking about it later in the day I thought "well actually if this training and having to fight is coming from love, as in having to protect somebody or myself, then that's fine and it makes sense".

I'm getting a sense that PM is noticably different than the AM programs in that with those I was much more moody, didn't give a fuck about much. Whereas with PM there seems to be this kind of element around love and good feelings as opposed to "FUCK YOU FUCK EVERYTHING FUCK THE WORLD". 

I can't explain it, but I usually tune out when I read stuff about love, especially around Masculinity. But I also was reading something around that after my first listening yesterday and it suddenly made more sense to me. I can't remember what it was now specifically. Of course it's too early to really say if this is the case, but that's my first impression. I think part of my fear for PM was due to the crazy rollercoaster, mood swings and intensity and just being crazy and angry with rage alot of the time on the AM programs and thinking it would be like that. We will see.

Also I noticed after getting up I was feeling like contacting my biological mum and brothers and sisters and feeling like seeing them. This is different because a few years ago, maybe on OFv3 I decided that she was not a positive in my life at all and stopped talking to her. She keeps messaging me every now and then and sending cards but I haven't had any desire to reply. Also haven't seen my brother and have always had this feeling since covid when his girlfriend deleted me from facebook for my opinions that it'd just be awkward and uncomfortable.

Though a bit later those feelings of wanting to see them again passed, but i'm guessing it will keep going in the direction of reuniting with them. My thought was that I felt like I couldn't deal with it, and obviously Masculinity means being able to deal with things that might be difficult or uncomfortable. I don't mind if it keeps developing in that way and I end up feeling like talking to them again.

I also hate christmas but I actually in the morning had this feeling of enthusiasm for it briefly, along with those other feelings around my biological mum. Interesting, but that passed too after a while.

This is interesting, i also want to use PM and maybe i'm getting a bit of TID recently.

I can relate to wanting love instead of violence since violence just comes from a reaction to anger, also masculinity being able to deal with unconfortable, just a few days i was thinking about how the most dangerous people are the ones who are willing to die, ironically when you have nothing else to lose you can do whatever you want without a care, for me that's an essential part of masculinity, if you want something you go and get it or at least try instead of fearing something as death, we only live once so better get what we want, that doesn't mean to act carelessly.

Not totally. Obviously unhinged and unneccesary violence does come from emotional issues, but being able to be capable in that area I believe is important to have to deal with those kinds of people. And no matter how much pc nonsense they tell us, you aren't going to deal with a person intent on hurting you with cuddles and talking to him nicely.

But yeah I don't want to be that guy who unnecessarily fights like I might have in the past, when I did security it wasn't like I was just picking on people but I wouldn't back down because I hate bullies so i'd get into alot more fights than needed and probably hurt people I didn't need to. Now I hope to not have to again, but if it comes to it and I have no choice I want to make sure i'm coming out on top.

As for the rest, definately. I've noticed in myself in recent years i've been much more reluctant to do things that are uncomfortable. I want to be able to take calculated risks. Obviously alot of good things contain some risk, but I also agree not to just carelessly do them, but also to not be way too worried about every little thing. Kind of like my parents have programmed me to be sadly.

The problem i've found is in the balance between these things. And that there are almost no good role models of actual Masculinity in society.

Quote:just a few days i was thinking about how the most dangerous people are the ones who are willing to die, ironically when you have nothing else to lose you can do whatever you want without a care.

That stands out definately, and is another challenge. The problem is that if you've built good stuff, relationships in your life that you do have something to lose, which is why you do need to build the right mindset to deal with things decisively if it comes for it.

The person who doesn't give a fuck about anything and has nothing to lose is definately dangerous and reading books about people with this mindset is eye opening and worrying. But for us we want to be able to take those things that we do care about and use that to build our mindset, like what will we lose if we don't act decisively to deal with this person in front of us trying to hurt us.

I just took 2 nights off PM, the extra night was for a very good reason that i'll explain.

It's hard to put my finger on what's happening. First I don't 'feel' like i'm projecting anything different but i've got subtle (or maybe not so subtle) reactions that suggest that I am.

I went to a carnival with friends 2 nights ago. I was really just feeling calm and relaxed, not over the top, pumped up confidence, aggressive or whatever I expected that I had on AM.

First I noticed that the carnies that lived up to their name from the simpsons, the dodgy looking ones were wary of me. I was naturally saying "how's it going" to them when I went on the rides and they wouldn't answer and just seemed unfriendly and didn't want to engage. The one that was really friendly was a normal looking guy.

Also walking past the ticket booth there was a woman in there who was really shy, looking down and couldn't make eye contact. I could read the vibe where I usually may not be able to. I confirmed it when I went to get tickets and briefly talked to her with the response I got. I mentioned it to my friends and one of them confirmed it too saying "I thought she was looking for a bloke".

I also went on another ride I usually may not have, out of my comfort zone. That was good and I felt really good after like i'd conquered something.

But.. I don't know if that ride caused this the next day as I got a little dizzy after it, not too bad at the time. But the next day (yesterday) I woke up really fucked, my vision was blurry, all noises and voices were distant and I was really disconnected and a massive headache and a few other things. It got worse over the day and it was the worst headache i've ever had in my life, even moving my head the smallest bit was painful.

It was bringing up tons of fear, including fear that it may partly be triggered by a fear response to PM. And maybe that it's working to increase testosterone, i've had some intense physical symptoms around my groin area in the past and it took alot to resolve it which I believe is related to my now low testosterone and I worried that may have been triggered and brought on this stuff. In saying that I actually feel that so far PM is helping me heal stuff around my groin area as it's feeling better than in a while. Unexpected but it makes sense if PM is like "find a way to safely increase testosterone" and then it would have to deal with those issues to do so.

I went to bed at 4:30pm and got up at 8am today, I didn't want to look at my phone screen with my crazy headache and don't think I could have handled the input of listening.

I woke up thinking "It probably wasn't PM, it makes more sense it was the carnival ride". But I admit it did cause some fear and trauma around the thought of listening to PM that I worry i'll have to now work through.

But after that I feel that something is guiding me towards healing my body more again and finding new ways to care for it, and I get a sense that PM may be directing me towards doing that in response to what happened.

Anyway, I went down the street briefly this morning since I could now function to get stuff I couldn't yesterday.

Again not feeling any different, but obviously projecting something. I noticed twice that when a mum and kid were walking towards me that the kid was just full on staring at me in awe.

It happened the first time and I was like "what was that" and then it happened again confirming it. My thought is that kids have less 'baggage' so they respond earlier than other people when i'm projecting a different vibe.

I listened to a loop when I got home to make up for last night.

Oh and here's another thing that's interesting. My female friend (she's dating another friend, and I have no interest in her that way) I haven't seen her in person for ages, not much since I started dating her boyfriends sister and then we broke up. But we would message a bit and she would regularly message me.

Well recently she's been weird and when I messaged her she wasn't saying as much.

Since starting PM the vibe has totally changed, she's writing long messages and it's noticably different. What's funny is when i've done masculinity stuff in the past a similar things has happened.

I seem to be directed towards healing physically as the first priority.

This makes sense because to fully be in my masculinity and also have an ideal level of testosterone it needs to happen, I just didn't necessarily expect that but I like it.

Until today PM has seemed fairly smooth, but today I felt like something come up and then I started to feel depressed. I then realized that along with that I had the urge to do another loop so I did so. I've been noticing that almost as soon as I start playing it that I relax and it basically 'downregulates' me and I feel better.

Later when I went to put my phone in my room a few hours before bed I realized I now have the urge to do 3 loops at night so I made a playlist for that.

But what i'm noticing is that each time I want to increase the listening I get the same fear as I had around listening in the first place, and thoughts and imagining things that might happen that are negative, telling me that it might be too much, lead to bad stuff etc. I realized that this was happening and it was similar to when I had urges to listen to another loop and the same fear that got me to put off listening for ages and I just let it be there.

I'm about to goto bed and still feeling the fear actually, but I know it's just some part of me trying to stop it because it's doing something good. Currently my thoughts have been "go back and reduce it back to 1 loop" but i'm sticking to the urge to do 3.

A few days ago I was thinking "Wow, this is noticably more powerful than OGSF v2" in a subtle way but like it was just more natural in what it was doing.

Now a few days later i'm not really feeling any effects, I was getting annoyed and I think I realized what happened which I will explore.

When I noticed how good it was going and thinking about how it was directing me away from bs like social media and random bs online and how good it was, aswell as the other results, something in my mind said "no, don't tell me what to do, I don't like being told what to do" directed at PM, I tried to talk to it saying "Well, I like these results and I want these results so I choose to accept them".

But the last few days I haven't been feeling much from it, and it makes sense it might trace back to that. The looking at bs online has come back in force.

Also it seems to coincide with increasing the amount of loops. Doing 1 loop, and then even 1 at night and 1 through the day was fine. But the day I added one extra loop through the day it started to lessen, and now i'm doing 3 at night, 1 through the day as that's what i'm being guided to. But as i've increased it i'm noticing less results. Yet other than a brief "I should go back to 1 loop" i'm still getting the urge to continue at this level of listening.

Also not feeling the best after what happened on the weekend, still fairly tired. I woke up feeling good yesterday but quickly got quite tired, today I woke up feeling even better but a few hours later felt lightheaded. I know something is going on physically.. but I also wonder if it's 'something' in response to PM.

I've planned to explore it, but of course i've been putting it off and doing random shit.. which usually happens for a while when I have to explore something like this.

Actually i'm becoming more hyper aware of certain things like my low energy levels, getting more annoyed at it, but also more committed to finding a way past it.

So you have to find a balance.

(01-04-2025, 01:13 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]So you have to find a balance.

Balance the amount of listening? I'm not sure how to, because i'm still getting urges to increase even more. Actually it seems the more hopeless i'm feeling the more I get the strong urge to increase listening, not sure if it's legitimately telling me I need more listening to get through it or what it is.