Masculine Prime (Primal Masculinity 5.11g)

[Shannon]

Eh.. I had some bs almost completely derail PM.

As soon as it happened I become aware of the definite but subtle difference I was feeling. This has happened in the past when i've derailed other programs, realizing they were both doing more than I thought, but also not 'breaking through' in certain areas.

Felt my insecurities flooding back in, like they were in progress being worked on. Even stuff like little things I did when hanging out with my friends and feeling anxious or guilty about doing those things, when at the time they felt natural and okay. (eg checking girls out).

Then went on a porn binge which didn't help, stopped at less times than usual but then again today 2 days later. And also getting 'stuck' looking at bs on social media even more. (PM was really lessening that which is good).

I went down the street today though to a couple of shops and this was interesting. I was more talkative, I noticed the woman in the fruit shop who I said was standoffish last week was okay, happy and laughing heaps again. Makes sense since PM was derailed so my vibe lessened, she may have an issue with masculinity since she hates Donald Trump.

Went to another shop and talked to the girl who served me and she was responsive. She's a bit fat but okay, but I was thinking about it after and I come up with a theory. So PM was working to 'increase my level' so to speak, and I was looking at more attractive girls, but not feeling totally comfortable and not really talking to them, and now it's like that was disrupted and my mind settled at my level that it's more comfortable with.

Also I was noticing i've started to look better, and today I looked in the mirror and was like "fuck I look fat". So maybe it was my perception shifting, and the other thought that my self image was shifting and PM was moving me towards it (being in better shape) and I was perceiving that. I do feel i'm in a bit better shape though and have noticed some increased strength.

I was struggling with my workout this morning. I've had this a few other times in that i'll be doing my warmup (foam rolling and such) and be really tired, and just lay there and be like "what's the fucking point, I should not just do my workout". That went on for a while then I suddenly was like "no, fucking stop, shut the fuck up and stop being a victim, i'm doing this workout" and I felt a bit better and ended up doing the workout and it went pretty good.

This "what's the fucking point" thing is a familiar pattern that comes up strongly and fairly intensely at times in general, not just working out. Like "Fuck it, I distupted, fucked up, destroyed my results again, why am I even bothering" then I just keep on going, something keeps me going, but I keep wondering "is it just going to be enough one day and I just reach the end of the determination and just give up".

When PM was kicking in and flowing I felt good on it and okay to continue it. Now that it was interrupted and it feels pretty much like I destroyed a month of progress (thought - is this some other type of resistance that tries to stop me?) i'm more considering just going onto a 6g program. Whether that be OSC, or probably more useful for me OGSF. Shannon said OGSF v2 was hitting pretty directly upon my core issues which is why I fucking hated it and it was my least favourite program. It'd be interesting to see what 6g does.

Of course AM7 is a big fuck yes for me at some stage.

Change that post so it doesn't violate our rules against politics.

You're in a cycle.  Every time, you do the same things.  You make progress, second guess yourself, continue witth progress, hit a wall, self sabotage, second guess yourself and then justify moving on to a different program.  You do this every time you encounter something uncomfortable, or anything that could make progress.

During all this, did you run PM to counter any of it?  Didn't sound like it.

So get back on PM, hit it hard, and crush self sabotage.  Don't worry about 6G programs.  You don't have those.  Stop letting your resistant parts get away with this same pattern of bullshit.

[Benjamin]

Change that post so it doesn't violate our rules against politics.

You're in a cycle.  Every time, you do the same things.  You make progress, second guess yourself, continue witth progress, hit a wall, self sabotage, second guess yourself and then justify moving on to a different program.  You do this every time you encounter something uncomfortable, or anything that could make progress.

During all this, did you run PM to counter any of it?  Didn't sound like it.

So get back on PM, hit it hard, and crush self sabotage.  Don't worry about 6G programs.  You don't have those.  Stop letting your resistant parts get away with this same pattern of bullshit.

Ok done, didn't think of that as it was only the name.

I've noticed my ability to stick to it for a period of time has lessened, but that also partly comes from doing so and not getting what I was hoping still.

I did run it when this was coming up, I explored potential resistance to the hybrid volume then I was able to listen to it at the described volume. I listened to 1 loop of it on each of those days (on top of my night listening). I just realized that hybrid may have triggered me more, as after it yesterday I stayed up an hour later looking at porn.  

So i'll try ocean surf instead. I also did 2 extra nights of listening after the derailment happened, which is interesting in that I felt like all the results were gone, but the autoconfig was there saying "don't take tonight off, do another night" until last night where I needed a night off.

So I haven't stopped PM, but that was definately part of my thought process. I feel a bit more relaxed today after the night off, after extending the listening by 2 nights.