4 hours ago
Last night was my 6th night on, I went back to 8 loops and it felt like it was needed. I'll have tonight off.
Some more noticable dreams, and felt good this morning and then felt like going somewhere.
Went to a music thing and market in a nearby town. I had the urge to message my friend and was going to, and I had this thought that maybe I wasn't feeling like hanging out with him and feeling disconnected from him, because the state I was in with what I was processing I might say something I don't want to, because i've noticed when something is processing that it feels 'right' and then sometimes I might say or do something and in a few days or so am like "what the fuck".
But then after I got there I started to feel shut down, anxious and weird. I walked around a bit and just shut down more, started to feel depressed mainly because I felt anxious and fearful, and also was giving off a repulsive kind of energy.. which I know by reactions. What's weird is when this is happening sometimes people I know, not who I talk to heaps but usually will say hi to will sometimes not even acknowledge me when I have this energy. I blame alot of projecting this energy on the porn binge though.
I got more frustrated and decided to just go home. I put a loop of PM on, then went to get some stuff from a shop and ended up talking to a guy I usually say hi to briefly, then made a few comments to the girl working on the checkouts and I was like "hmm why am I suddenly feeling less anxious" and I realized it was due to putting PM on.
Not long after getting home I got a message from my friend who was in that town I just went to. He was there for a bit but went home cos it was hot.
Not sure if it was the porn binge or not, but there is definately a pattern of i'll feel really good, be really confident and such then go out one day and be anxious like this for no real explanation.
Actually thinking of it now, I mentioned a few posts ago that I had 2 days (not one after another) of getting the most positive attention i've got in a long time, all the girls I talked to who served me were so happy and friendly etc.. well since then my mood has really been down and I haven't been feeling much of the vibe from PM, and today especially having a repulsive kind of energy and feeling invisible.
So definately resistance, though it's been going on for weeks. Part of the explanation could be the work I done earlier in the week that derailed PM a bit, though other aspects of PM seem to have kicked in, but other stuff I was noticing lessened.
A little thing to show how this sabotage stops me from taking the actions that the subliminal is trying to push me to do. I had a dream a few nights ago about something to expand in my training that I already do a little bit of, I woke up inspired to research it more and improve it in the training and had a strong urge to do so. Then this sabotage come up and it lessens the feelings around it several times, then what happens is basically it doesn't seem as important anymore, it's almost like the realization disappears, and then I pretty much forget about it whereas if that strong feeling stayed and integrated properly i'd go and do it the next day and would remember.
Some more noticable dreams, and felt good this morning and then felt like going somewhere.
Went to a music thing and market in a nearby town. I had the urge to message my friend and was going to, and I had this thought that maybe I wasn't feeling like hanging out with him and feeling disconnected from him, because the state I was in with what I was processing I might say something I don't want to, because i've noticed when something is processing that it feels 'right' and then sometimes I might say or do something and in a few days or so am like "what the fuck".
But then after I got there I started to feel shut down, anxious and weird. I walked around a bit and just shut down more, started to feel depressed mainly because I felt anxious and fearful, and also was giving off a repulsive kind of energy.. which I know by reactions. What's weird is when this is happening sometimes people I know, not who I talk to heaps but usually will say hi to will sometimes not even acknowledge me when I have this energy. I blame alot of projecting this energy on the porn binge though.
I got more frustrated and decided to just go home. I put a loop of PM on, then went to get some stuff from a shop and ended up talking to a guy I usually say hi to briefly, then made a few comments to the girl working on the checkouts and I was like "hmm why am I suddenly feeling less anxious" and I realized it was due to putting PM on.
Not long after getting home I got a message from my friend who was in that town I just went to. He was there for a bit but went home cos it was hot.
Not sure if it was the porn binge or not, but there is definately a pattern of i'll feel really good, be really confident and such then go out one day and be anxious like this for no real explanation.
Actually thinking of it now, I mentioned a few posts ago that I had 2 days (not one after another) of getting the most positive attention i've got in a long time, all the girls I talked to who served me were so happy and friendly etc.. well since then my mood has really been down and I haven't been feeling much of the vibe from PM, and today especially having a repulsive kind of energy and feeling invisible.
So definately resistance, though it's been going on for weeks. Part of the explanation could be the work I done earlier in the week that derailed PM a bit, though other aspects of PM seem to have kicked in, but other stuff I was noticing lessened.
A little thing to show how this sabotage stops me from taking the actions that the subliminal is trying to push me to do. I had a dream a few nights ago about something to expand in my training that I already do a little bit of, I woke up inspired to research it more and improve it in the training and had a strong urge to do so. Then this sabotage come up and it lessens the feelings around it several times, then what happens is basically it doesn't seem as important anymore, it's almost like the realization disappears, and then I pretty much forget about it whereas if that strong feeling stayed and integrated properly i'd go and do it the next day and would remember.