Subliminal Talk

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As I drove home from the bbq at my parents house, on a pretty moody note, I started to connect the dots. My mom was cold, non accessable rejective. She prioritizes bs and gossip tv over her own son. I felt rejected, abandoned, unheard.. also like I dont belong. This translates itself in the field of women on a subconscious level and I was like "o wow, really?" The impact is there. I felt like shit. I dont want solutions, I just want a listening ear from my mom, but she wants to fix, and is quick to say 'idk' and 'idc' like I did something wrong. The OF shielding is godsend, without it this trauma would hit me probably way harder. It sets things in motion for me and lets up countless fears. Identification in a split moment, only to have it released in that same moment. I connected the dots of my mother with the field of women. Dunno how, but it clicked. And on such a level I wanted to guide my car to the side of the highway to just update all this but I didnt.

Whatalso did hit me, was when I brought up OF is doing some awesome stuff, they dismissed it. Now, this is a matter of wanting validation coming from a place of being a clingy littleboy,but damn.

Its all pretty huge what is happening. I now realize my moms influence, not just my dad. I felt like I was back again at one of the worst moments in my life, like reliving that moment, but OF doesnt cease to amaze me. I dont know where all this will lead me at all, how I realized this all or what, and im emotional
about it. I feel unheard by my own dad. Like im not even matteting to him, being treated like a joke. I do think people pick up on this subconsciously, creating a push pull effect.

Last friday I was moderating in a livestream and I literally felt the victim mindset come forward rushing to the surface. The contrast was obvious.

Running 2 loops ultrasonic NOW.

18/7/21

1st day off. Ran loops all night. Im pretty optimistic. Funny shit. I aint even worried at all. Just relapsed and having a huge drive. The worries simply aint there.
Shower and gym it is.

Edit: yesterdays BBQ left an impact. It is temporary but its hitting nonethless. I notice more fearlessness in general ( the weather has some nice girls walking the streets while driving and the difference due to OF is noticable ) the BBQ yesterday has me still triggered, sad, emotional. There are moments I feel robbed of a future, and would I not come across Shannons subs, Idk where I would be. Behind bars? Killed myself by whatever means? I used to blame myself, and ive done some things ( very much along the lines of what @NOMAD wrote by having skeletons in the closet. But yes, abuse took place, neglect, upbringing,being blamed and gaslighted, mocked silenced and censored. Even yesterday I caught it and it hurted. Behind the back gossip and remarks. Call em out and they play the victim. Im sick and tired of their mind-games. Homicidal from a place of hurt, threatening my parents with killing them. Ive done it all, but I saw no other way. Being silenced and told it cant be done triggers me and now I see why.

I was about to go to sleep and noticed something crawling across the wall. I never was fan of spiders to begin with and would freak out, get tunnelvision, but not this time. Initially I thought "fuck it, I go to sleep, whatever" which is a 180, as Inormally would stress about over what ifs. Now, the vacuumcleaner won out. I approached it, fear barely there. Moved the mouth of the cleaner to it, and it jumped. Turns out it was a moth, but still, tunnelvision is gone. I feel good about it that I did it.

I also realized I have the freedom to play or not at all. Internal freedom. Options. Feels good to know that, realize that and be fine with it.

Still day 1 off, am refleting if I should 2 loops of ultrasonic. It comes with moments. Fear? Run loops. Like im squashing it but very reactionairy which could lead to excuse. Im purely going with autoconfig. So im having moments through the day of "run loops, fear!!" Switched up with "chill, its no sprint, looking forward to these offdays" which is followed up with euphoria and smazement.

Offdays are needed. Im still having the urge to run 2 loops, finding excuses to run it while already having a headache.

Also more and more fears are being busted down and glimpses of it being exposed like smoke are also pretty much encouraging me. I got it all. Its a new potent source purely coming from within.

Day 2 off

Before I would beat me up due to anxiety when I journal, afraid to lose train of thought along with playing it safe. Its been a fight and now OF is successfull in this area. Im taking my time journal. Fear of taking to much time is also dissolved. Fears are melting away. Im coined 2 loops of hybrid, yet im really enjoying my 2 days off atm. Im totally forgetting im running OF, my levels of "let it do what it does" are strong. So strong that im getting headturns, looks and what not, and im like "what is everyone looking at? Oh yeah, im running OF!" I do get some spikes of feeling uncomfortable with it,even tho slightly, so I might start loopsback up today.

Im just feeling really good, just because, well, im feeling good, fantastic even. Nice.

Running 2 loops of hybrid right now.

8 minutes in, and I feel activity in my lower chakras. Vibration coming from my 3rd as it is upper stomach. Pretty wild.my base feels also pretty active.

Heh, before I started running my loops, I was thinking "time to focus on myself" as I was reflecting on the last couple of events that took place.fears are removed 1 by one. I notice how much I blame, and how it has become a subconscious pattern. Its a fear thing. Something now finally touched upon. It locked me in frustatrion and created doom. For some reason I was unable to shake it off. While on UMS this was lesser for example due to money magnet mind programming, but fear was still popping up in other areas.

Day 56/180

Day 57

Im chilling and cruising in OFv3 vibe. Feels really good just living and chilling. Am creative aswell. No frantic thoughts, no rushing, nothing.
Relationships are deepening in general, a deeper and more fearless 'connection" just energy

Although Im hitting the gym on the regular, im still having bodyimage issues. OF seems to work on that and other things. This translates itself in putting on ashirt at the grocerystore, instead of just a tanktop while it being warm af. Im looking sexy as heck, better then the majority, its still an insecurity that popping up. At the gym im fine, on the streets away from my living town im fine in general, but im my own town? Nope. Reflecting on this, this seemed to be why DMSI worked as it did, not hitting close and deep enough on this issue and fear.

Im way more relaxed in my skin, in my being, in myself.

2 days in a row im waking up with blocked ears after playing loops at night. They seem to be fine but I find it really typical how they just pop open halfway in the morning.

Also, im not happy with my current living place. I never felt really at home here. Just came home and first thing that came out of my mouth is "im so done with everyone and everything" might be time to truly graduate, or im walking away from my responsibilities but im getting depressed just writing this. Ugh. Its just so fucked up.

Shannon in @Benjamin 's journal

Quote:You're not going to have to worry about "too many loops".  The fact is, resistance by trying to overload so processing isn't possible is only going to result in a bigger queue (if it does) and when you stop, all that has to be processed.  There is no escape.

If your bouts of exhaustion are intermittent, then the exhaustion is from resistance fighting tooth and nail, and not from too much exposure.  Too much exposure, and you'll be down consistently with exhaustion until the queue is processed and the effort level goes down enough to recuperate.

Always wanted to know this but never asked for whatever reason. Nice.

(07-20-2021, 11:07 PM)Kol Wrote: [ -> ]Shannon in @Benjamin 's journal

Quote:You're not going to have to worry about "too many loops".  The fact is, resistance by trying to overload so processing isn't possible is only going to result in a bigger queue (if it does) and when you stop, all that has to be processed.  There is no escape.

If your bouts of exhaustion are intermittent, then the exhaustion is from resistance fighting tooth and nail, and not from too much exposure.  Too much exposure, and you'll be down consistently with exhaustion until the queue is processed and the effort level goes down enough to recuperate.

Always wanted to know this but never asked for whatever reason. Nice.

I hear you, lol. I was overloading for awhile because I have had the urges to do it. Thought I'd mention it in public to get confirmation of what I've believed and experienced while doing it.

All the best, keep enjoying the OF V3 ride!

Its good to know there is no escaping it. Have a great run @CatMan , good to see you!

Update: idgaf anymore about peoples reactions to me in public. It just is what it is. Im coolin lol.
On some level im lazy, something that just hitted me. OF keeps surprising me. Its the first sub I have so much joy and fun with aswell as looking forward to whats next. Its like an ongoing christmas morning lmao

Edit: this morning while driving I saw this bentley continental gt. I looked at it, and my thought went "what am I even doing?" lightbulb moment as in "I can easily have that, its already done"

Pulled an allnighter out of frustration.

About to hit bench right now. Focus is on point. Note to self, I will update this further after.

Edit1: sleep was amazing. Still executing on this sub. I know im avoiding some things, including one of my mentors with whom I vibed back then instantly. Got his books aswell. So its clearly OF. (@Jake2015 if you are reading this, fear like this is OFv3, this aint an attack, just more of an "hey, lets help him out" ) I was coined to run 10 loops ultrasonic, but I ran 8 because I had to be up in the morning + I dont want to break midloop.

This morning I also was reflecting for a bit and OF puts me on the most successfull trajectory. Likes and dislikes, fear might be driven in both. I for example can be rejective, picky, its been a hang up, which results in a re-enforcing of fruitless entitlement. Real clever. This is also something that magnified through things like purpose, entrepreneurship and what not. Clever, fronting with concepts and status, inviting laziness and what not )

Ive been also hit with waves of happiness and euphoria. Its just so cool and so much fun. OFv3 isthe shit! Ima spread the word!

Ran 5 loops US last night.

I noticed just now how I wont take my time to pick my words, but kinda rush from a place of fear, resulting in stumbling over them. Its fascinating how it is so abvious. Im going through an OFv3 cleanse. More and more im sort of transparant, empty slate, just "being me" but yet not? Whatever it is, its going deep, and its great.

This rushing is something familiar to me. It has me gotten off tangents before, totally missing the why by first slowing down. Fomo?

There is fear in general, but there is no impact, prolly due the shielding, but I see it, observe it, but impact? Nah. Its as if observing it from an objective point of view, like a science project or something.

It reminds me off science fiction, where they find extra-terrestial alien life, brand new, and are learning about it from a distant, something that popped up yesterday, learning and coming to understand fear to release more effectively and gently.

Edit: this totally hitted me out of nowhere regarding past subliminals such as UMS and DMSI! OFv3 is like a personal friend, me. I am it, while with former subs, on some level, it felt like an external alien intelligence. My subconscious being treatened by it because of fear. Wtf. This might be hella key, especially the treatening part, which aint exclusively subliminals, but with people aswell.

Day 1 off

Yesterday evening in my last US loop ( 2/2) halfway through I saw the loop was at 30 minutes and still had 30 min to go. This did send me in a buildup of intense anxiety till the loop finished up. I was already reflecting on autoconfig and the high loop rate, and how there will be a strong indicator of stop. Saturated. Then I was thinking about discouragement. The loop became very long, heavy, scaring something deeply in me.

Anyways, im doing pretty good today. Taking it easy. Im loving the progression I made. I can say this truly to my heart, which is a first. Its new and I like it. Its me.

But im looking really forward to the upcoming days. Im feeling good, alive. Thriving. Like a ton of weight is off my shoulders.

Rip to the illusion of separation. Bliss aint even coming close to the experience of whats going on. Peeling away the onion.
"When a covo leads to nowhere, let it go" no need to fuzz about or anything. No doer, no forcer. Chillin. Actually funny how fear is subtle in that area. Just let it go. Nothing lost. Love thyself. I learning this, its so beautiful.

Living life in sandbox mode. Only you hold yourself back. Living limitless authenticity. Goodbye fear of the unknown.

Edit: im feeling reborn
I realize how im tie-ing everything I want to do to money. "Cant do xyz because money" adressing this and untangling shows its fear. Using money basically as a mask of fear, otherwise I wont belong, out of place etc etc"
Im actively rollcalling life areas, organizing and reviewing/questioning it. Guiding my attention and foxus to women, money, other areas and be open to see what pops up.

Manifestation is real easy, instant. Nowadays im making it a game. Ask & receive. Its like a fun pingpong activity with the universe, which is me. All the same and it blows my mind still.

Im having memories coming up of past events, people, workplaces and what not, the full monty of all. Theyre all included. Reliving situations I totally forgot about, such as the couple when I did retainwork.

With journalling on here, I realize, im writing from a place of validation. Its subtle, im in no way bullshitting anyone here. Something more deeper is going on.

Im seeing the divine in everything and experience it. Life moves through me.

Im receiving experiences non judgmental. Experiencing the events. How women look at me/admire and what not, the most random things in traffic, leaves falling etc etc. Its a sense of impermanence. Also im having more and more the sense and awareness how everything is fundamentally empty. It gives me a huge sense if peace, awe, confidence. It make me also say "well yeah, fuck it, this is am6, so why the fuck not?" When it comes to possibility and manifestation. Why not manifest it then. Who knows really? Lmao.

Music hits way harder. Feeling from body instead of mind. Its pretty wild. Makes me horny and feeling sexy. Lol