Your paragraph on compassion is something to bookmark. Sitting with my emotions aint new and as of now, shame is coined. With going rogue I mean going full independent, seducing, going out alone, that kinda stuff. Nothing new but resurfing desires.
I had some good realisations this morning. Yesterday I realized emptiness and apathy. It explained lots and will investigate this further. Just sitting with what you say. Sometimes Im quick to judge. With one friend, I now understand how my interpretation was hostile while it wasnt any different as how we joke.
Now, I agree, there is lots of projection, GSF involved in it. Im almost classical in my no pmo journey regarding the stages akin to grief.
Definitely going through some rough shit atm.
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This morning I wkke up to some pmo scenes in my head, only to realize "nah" im having some huge zest for life now. High energy, going way harder in the gym. Im also carrying myself way different. My interactions are more direct l, and my head is way quieter. More comfortable in my sexual skin. Im deleting some stuff out of my vocabularity. Im scrapping some habits and am subc aswell as consciously rebooting. My eyes look different. Anxiety is way less and life more vivid.
Went to get some gas this morning. Got something to eat aswell. Some girl, nice curves, we crossed paths. Another "habit" is letting women first. I gave up my spot. I recognized I dod and now its over and done. Reclaiming my spot now. Im worthy.
Feeling really amazing nowadays. Socialwise im growing more and more. At the gym im relentless. Im mentally way less foggy.
When I entered the gym, I was high energy. Greeted the staff and it was pretty amazing. Went really hard on delts and triceps. I was literally driven, pushing myself and my will was strong. Still my eye contact is a bit off. Idk.
Im going through a detox kind of period I think. Im dropping lots of habits, reduced sugar to a minimum and me sculpting my body is highly fuelled. Its as if my subc has taken over and im executing. No fucking chance im sabotaging it, I like it and go with it.
More people pop up out of the blue. Great.
I want to be fully liberated, this world as my stage but there seems to be something elusive about it all. I cant pinpoint what it is. Its prolly some stubborn resistance.
Anyways, when I was done training, I handled off some things on instagram. Im always moving. Im checking up after the gym what matters like always traveling.
I was waiting for the trafficlight to jump green. I was just casual waiting while still pumped up, wearing leather jacket. I looked to my left, and there was this girl, totally trancing out. She looked so mesmerized, tranced out and for better word,melting like she couldnt help but get full on aroused. Licking lips, fuck me eyes, dreamy, holding on to composure. I wonder what my aura is doing. I promised as a thank you to keep my streak going ( no pmo ). Just a gift to the girls. Im thankfull and gratefull for her massive IOI/IOS. why not thanking women for that? Her curly hair and coy smile.
Then, went to the store to get something. Security guy vibed directly, chatting a bit up and we we're cool. Walked in, girl was greeting me like she knew me for years. Shes a bit airheaded, light feeling to her, flirty and what not.
Im delving since yesterday (I think?) In Zan Perrion's stuff. Hes mindblowing and talks about your most attractive authentic self. I noticed how some concepts we're met with an "icky" response. Such as charm, listening and what not. It goes deep and rewires me. The guy is insane. His stuff is mindblowing
He talks about neediness, giving to the world, all women are beautiful and pretty much seduction without discrimination. It goes deep and I have goosebumps. Its liberating.
His way of words is insightfull. The guy is direct in communicating desires and what not. Communicate as a man and love women. Its non neediness seduction.
Last few days are about getting out of my head. Im doing inner work and talk to girls. Still nofap and disrooting more damaging habits ( high carb food, processed foods ) tackling automatic actions, such as visiting some sites, lower social media activity etc.
Was out with I today, and she supplicates. when I need something, I just talk with people, no A.A in, lets say, stores. Its fluid. She is giving and I love it. When I need something, she is eager to assist me and shes always in my vicinity. Gonna call her by name in my interactions.
Also, I seems to get more attracted because of this dhv of walking up to people freely.. In turn, because we we're together and are somewhat complimenting eachother, I had 5 girls suddenly throw IOIs at the same time. Good. I take control of conversations easily and am unfazed when it happens. With random women also, they make a remark, say something and I hijack.
Lots of touches with I. Appearing accidental but im touchy with I. Other females at work, like E, when she leaned in right jn front of my face, eyes 5 cm from mine, I held it, eye fucked her while she held it. Our lips almost touched. She is full on physical. With other women at work im also just holding eye contact.
People invite themselves in my life. Gym, hanging out, wanting to date, the whole things. Got 2 numbers. N will visit friday. Last time I saw her was 3.1 or begin 3.2 cant remember.
Im having women always with me. Getting treated like a vip yet im starting to just realize it. My internals are changing fast, improving, fear is seen and dealt with. Some other feelings are faced and im willing to go as far as to "conjure" scenarios and see my response. Pretty sure things like smoking throw me in a funk. Yet, the urges of smoking are that. Urges.
Im shifting between ars amorata world view and alpha 1.0 (?) Full on barbarian badboy asshole type which cares for nothing at all and is fully into himself. The other is, the loving women paradigm of zan perrion and hans comyn. Who is more about the renessaince man, pirate outlaw, and is actually loving women and delighting in beauty. Who are about letting go, of limiting beliefs, of being authentic self and removing layers we picked up along our way.
Just keep going. Im already attractive at my core.
- bodylanguage keep improving
-heart is opening up, coming clean to my heart desire.
Vulnerability is huge.
- im feeling very non needy, grounded. Social anxiety is obliterated and I recognize how some mindsets are to be ditched totally. Like today, when greeting women, young to old, women are beautiful.
Im getting to my most attractive authentic self. Still, its about relaxing, not adding anything to it.
- my sleep is more restless lately. Last night I couldnt stand listening to the loops. Agitating. It is needed tho.
- internals/externals. Thats a big one. Im feeling amazing nowadays. Not always. Im still having some triggers going on. For example, there are days that the externals are big and obvious. Yet my internals are in scrambles. It seems to not matter.
Way less selfconscious.
Im picking up meditation again. Not trying to do anything but watching. Nopmo/nopmo goes really strong.
-procrastination is really down.
- came across a article about arrogance, as a tool for growth. Myself, my needs first. Im no stranger to this arrogance, not at all. Its refreshing to read it as it helps me remember some traits. I mean, playing it safe aint my thing. Its also helping me in my selflove towards myself, to be assertive, objectively understanding traits. Asshole phase is lingering around already more. It. Also, through asserting myself, im learing about my desires. With playing safe, I mean certain beliefs, fears meddle in at times ( should I compliment? No its needy) that kinda stuff.
Some traits are simple traits that are a turn-on. Its what it is, its usefull.
I think Shannon said medication is interfering with dmsi
I picked up meditation since yesterday. This was outside my loops. But if Shannon says thats also interfering, I stop as I want to see DMSI succeed.
He has said that it should be fine at different times of the day when you can't trigger the state shifting. And since you usually won't be out meditating around women it should be fine.
Im more in tune with energy now. Or I feel nothing when I see a girl. or im liking it and something happens. An "I like you" energy. Traits.
Been thinking how communication between sexes is so close and daily but almost somehiing difficult to understand. Why? Getting more in tune with myself.
Feeling really good.
Also, im pushing my online game a bit. I notice through FRM I can easily let go, ease and relax in it, thus identifying it and letting it go.
Genuinly love women gives me an state of abundance and a multitude of other things. Communication directness. Outcome independence sexual from the get go. It sets all resistance check mate. Loving women is so fucking beautiful. Its dawning right now.
Today I feel like a new man. Im leaving things behind. Time for a new chapter.
I feel pullled apart internally. My subconscious fighting tooth and nail, my new self being more and more pronouned, old self fighting for existence and its life. I really am done with this auto trigger that keeps happening and refuses to let go, its like being in a very rusty state, a state of fear based patterns. Makes me want to curl up in a ball and give up. Like being empty, apathic, passive and fearfull. My fucking living quality feels like its suffering. Its akin to an beast going wild in a way to small cage.
Im having consistent attraction from women even when feeling totally like shit. FRM seems to kick my ass.
Worthiness, shame, are some things coming up. Dont get me wrong, im taking huge steps an all of this and see female energy as healing. Im not under the impression women cant be batshit destructive, but hey, I love women.
Im also not intimidated by women. Sure, at times depending what kinda shit is going on, I can be socially off, but theyre girls at heart and want hard dick. Like, when im out and social and saying hey, I notice how some girls are lonely as shit.
(03-25-2019, 04:33 AM)Kol Wrote: [ -> ]I feel pullled apart internally. My subconscious fighting tooth and nail, my new self being more and more pronouned, old self fighting for existence and its life. I really am done with this auto trigger that keeps happening and refuses to let go, its like being in a very rusty state, a state of fear based patterns. Makes me want to curl up in a ball and give up. Like being empty, apathic, passive and fearfull. My ***** living quality feels like its suffering. Its akin to an beast going wild in a way to small cage.
Im having consistent attraction from women even when feeling totally like shit. FRM seems to kick my ass.
Worthiness, shame, are some things coming up. Dont get me wrong, im taking huge steps an all of this and see female energy as healing. Im not under the impression women cant be batshit destructive, but hey, I love women.
Im also not intimidated by women. Sure, at times depending what kinda shit is going on, I can be socially off, but theyre girls at heart and want hard dick. Like, when im out and social and saying hey, I notice how some girls are lonely as shit.
Way to go man. Cudos for digging through that shit, it takes bravery, don't forget that!
And there are a lot of lonely people out there who just want companionship and closeness.
Thanks @
Greenduck , I appreciate it.
So...
Right now im sweating hard. My inner speech has changed to pretty much 'fuckboi' in tone, or I listened/watched to much Hector Castillo from girlschase haha.
Now, this noon, my energy shifted, from whatever to pretty much strong alpha energy. I realized how my home is an extention from me/my territory, so I cleaned it up. It was instant action taking. Good, I love that. Assertiveness, calling out, I see the underlaying, the gaps in between my thoughts. Whats also beneath all of tgis is one sexy orgasmic mofo. It blew me away.
Im starting to see the universe as a female. Dont ask me why, idk.
Also, assertiveness is sexy. Leading, confidence, letting people go that aint on my vibe/are fucking with my vibe. There are always people out there. My pack is also there. Life is always in flux.
Also, Im literally hot atm, sweating. Im more focussed on myself and the last few days, my energy was demanded for pure inner work.
I want to get on the level that I lock eyes with a girl, and am like "your so pretty" women seem to love it. Now there is also the dominant lust, fucking, boldness frame which seems to work well in a certain age group. Pure sexual frame from the get go, celebrate it. Make em smile, have fun, fuck their brains out.
At work women are over the top touchy and seducing. When eye contact is on( women at work seek it with me) they are overtly trying to srduce me. Rubbingmy back, stroking me, taking me apart and all are sad when I leave.now, im prolly displaying strong lover traits. Other coworkers are even pointing it out. It make some girls attract harder even at work, like Z and "I"
Now, with eye contact. Its really shifty. Or im holding strong eye contact but there seems to be a fear off going balls to the walls with that. The I know that you know that I know you know. I want openly seduction now. Irrational confidence/overarched confidence is also a thing. Sex us raw, why not displaying it. Im not just a lusty mofo, thete are way more other things in the mux.
Sonething is telling me im bein set up for threesomes. Women obviously crave me but I can feel it, see it, sense it.my skills are skyrocketing at this point. Even smalltalk is magickal. Im flirty as fuck nowadays with women. Women light up like christmastrees, when I greet them. Its like finally someone noticibg them and am hit with, im not sure what the word is, its like I am captivated by their feminine beauty. Its almost intuitive, and havibg another extra sense. I love it.
Im realizing how less sense resistance makes.
Also im starting to get to the gist off my struggle. Its a lack of solid masculine traits such as assertiveness. Im focussing yo much on the lack, always "trying" to nurture and cultivate some traits while im already there. Whats up with that? All is flowing for example, being on autopilot yet im not fully satisfied. It feels shallow and like chore sometimes.
I notice how subtle some energy influences can be. Its like a distortion in the frequency wave. Like something muddly and not totally smooth, like something nagging. Also, vibe is hella key.
I also met my future self. Holy shit it was beautiful. Speechless. Multilayered and so goddamn freeing and assuring. Damn.
I want to do so much with girls now. Im having fullblown threesome visuals going on, im having a strong sexual outlook I want to communicate unapologetically through my eyes, yet its there and prolly more present then im aware off. Im feeling really secure in my bedroom skills and realize I have many experiences in the past regarding girls. Its all so familiar and relatable.
Im also way to hard on myself. It shuts out women I think. Being not so hard on myself and basically appreciating myself more for lack of better terms ( loving myself ) is something to work on. It makes me more open to allow.
Its an attitude. Im following my desires amd also having my entrepreneur blood flowing again. It somewhat slipped in passiveness but yeah, its time to grow up right?
Yesterday, as I mentioned in Shannon's journal discussion thread, I felt TID from UMS. Huge relief around finances, money, succes ( and now aswell, im stoked as fuk! ) also, to an more subtle (?) Degree E3 TID. im running DMSI, yet feel, when focussing on E3, that it influences me. Not to say, the TID from UMS, the FRM is powerfull as shit aswell as smooth. With E3 it feels like an automatic stream.
Why am I saying its TID? Because it feels similar to when I had DMSI TID going on.
Life is good.
I realize I was to dependent on friends. Life is great, the world is my territory and oppurtunities are abundant. Also, im sort of "repelling" my old friends to make room for new. I will no longer be participating in useless dribble. Its not me, not them. It aint personal, I rather just level up, we live different lives now. Friends come and go, and making friends is easy.
I choose for myself at this point. Im retreating and cant stand wasting my life away. Its making me nauseous and disgusted. Go out, meet people, bang, make connections, memories, adventures, festivals, do something. Stale mediocrity aint for me at all now anymore. Choosing me feels good, im have incredible potential and wirth.. The fear of "losing" people is gone. Connections go deeper now, fluid, easy. As it should.
I have desire to move places. Current place is small. Moving to an bigger city, or even other country, is something I want to do for oppurtunity and option sake. Expand your mind. Expand your world.
Detaching from the group of friends is some sort of detox to me. Its like coming out a daze. Like it opens my eyes and re-centres me in my choices. Just getting less attached, less stale, more fluid. Life is in constant flux and like its said, people fall off and people join. Its all pretty automatic.
Oh, Im also pushed to the "I have a gf" frame. Like im already have one. If I say yes to the current girls that show IOS, I will have 3 fukbuddies.
Entrepreneurblood is flowing. Concepts come together and im questioning myself, why didnt I thought of this before? I know the answer, fear.
As I drove home from the city, I saw this cute girl driving as I left the highway. I thought damn. I looked back, looking at her, she looked back. This shit was gold. As our eyes met, I was in the setting of "you are so beautiful, omg" she smiled.
I love that stuff. Its only getting better and better. There is nothing to hide in that. Connecting because its my desire to. No hiding.
Im growing way more direct. Some members have mentioned "mode 1" and I came across it before. But now, my curiosity is teased.
My goals are high and attainable. Financially im doing and feeling good. Lotsa fear reduced there. Great!
Im notcing some blockage are fading now. Smoothening out my intent. Goddamn life is my playfield. Life, women, beautiful!
On the other hand, im fluidly social but people seem to ghost me. Wtf.
My neediness, after identifying it, is reduced strongly.