whome's DMSI 3.3.2 journal

[Have at ye]

Fucking tenors, man, always dropping ill left and right!

Have fun.

[whome]

Day 79 (day 4 on)

Thanks!

Well, due to communication confusion, I thought I was being asked to take over the song from the other tenor while everyone else seemed to think it already had been given to someone else, who ended up singing it in the concert.

Talking about this with my energy healer, he sees this as another instance of my “samaritan” archetype, putting others first, rushing to help and then feeling betrayed and unappreciated at the end. I get that this was massive miscommunication, and I can’t consciously find anyone to be at fault, but that doesn't help me feel any less bad.

But the concerts are going well. Two down, one to go. I’ve been waking dizzy and exhausted, as usual by now, but things tend to clear up by the time the concert rolls around. Still doing just 4 loops overnight.

[whome]

Day 80 (day 5 on)

Concert performances are over. Now to find more songs for the next cycle.

I slept... maybe a tiny bit better?

I have to send out invites to Karaoke Christmas and I keep stalling. I don’t know why, since it’s coming up really fast.

[whome]

Day 82 (day 7 on)

Still here, still four loops overnight.

Work holiday party last night. They’ve always been huge and fancy, but last year it broke into multiple parties and lost a bit of charm. This year it seemed even more charmless. I don’t know if it’s the party, or just my tiredness and grief, but I’m not even sure I’ll go next year. What’s the point? Half the colleagues in my area don’t go, it’s a collection of smaller groups in the company so I don’t know anyone else, and it’s all colleagues at work and their SOs, so it’s not like much could come of it (wink).

Shrug.

[whome]

Day 83 (day 8 on)

Last day on, four days off to come.

I’m debating whether to continue. I don’t see any change with doing 4 loops or with carpetbombing.

[whome]

Day 87 (day 4 off)

Four days of mixed emotions. Mostly sadness and grief, some little bits of relief and relaxation.

I’m probably going to return to four loops tomorrow, mostly because I don’t know what else to do.

[whome]

Day 88 (day 1 on)

OK, so back to the four loops ultrasonic overnight. Still feeling rattled, feeling grief and fear.

[whome]

Day 89 (day 2 on)

Another day waking up tired and emotionally wobbly.

Yesterday night I had a party. I’m not religious, and I had a Karaoke Christmas Eve party. For a while I wasn’t sure anyone was going to come, and for the two hours before the party, I had fierce stomach acid problems. I took several Tums, but nothing could stop it. Eventually, the two friends of mine who showed up brought friends of their own, and there were six of us; not bad.

Still not sure what to do for New Years Eve.

[whome]

Day 91 (day 4 on)

I continue with 4 loops ultrasonic overnight, 12/16.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Yesterday I slept very lightly (and thus pretty well), and had a dream that involved a woman, with no sex but with sexy things happening. That’s still very rare and I was thinking all of yesterday to myself, “good job, let’s have more dreams like that!” but this morning I woke exhausted and with nothing like that.

Oh well.

I was talking with my shrink yesterday, and we got to an interesting idea that my existential terror attacks are different from the excruciating pain of self-hating worthlessness. People keep telling me that lots of people experience the existential terror feelings, which is not something that ever helps, but I simply cannot believe that my experience is that common. I wonder if it’s the combination of existential terror and the pain of worthlessness that makes my experience different.

In any case, I’m still not sure how that changes anything. In theory either LTU or DMSI would be good for the worthlessness feeling (DMSI perhaps limited to the extent for which it interferes with getting women into my life) but neither of them seem to be making it past resistance. Sigh.

[Have at ye]

Good 'ol existential dread is an uncertainty towards which course of action one should take, as they all potentially can lead to pain, suffering or even untimely demise. Inherently, it's a combination of "fear of the unknown" and "fear of death".

Still, this guy Hegel once said that, if you apply logic dialectically, "Whenever you act, you err", so... Allow yourself to err, my friend!

This other guy, Kierkegaard (who, I believe, actually coined the term "existential dread/anxiety", but don't take my word for it), said: "In life, one must choose between boredom or suffering" Cheerful little fella, ain't he?

The truth is, though, there's always a way to get what you want and need without undue suffering and/or pain, and without harming anyone in the process, even! It might take a bit of trial and error, though.

[whome]

Good 'ol existential dread is an uncertainty

Thank you for your thoughts.

I can’t say that I’ve experienced existential dread before. I don’t know if you’ve ever used drugs before, but imagine the worst of bad drug trips. Pure terror at existing at all, where nothing is right, nothing is ok, and we’re all dying at every moment as time irreversibly passes by. That’s the pure existential terror that hits me every once in a while, and lighter versions of that hit me often.

The problem with existential terror is that it’s a visceral feeling, taking over my body and my conscious process. I could read Kierkegaard, but the prospect of reading words that would likely make my emotions seize up, my sinuses inflame, and make it difficult enough to breathe that I’d nearly pass out (not exaggerating in the slightest) is something that I’ll pass on.

[Have at ye]

Supposedly, all human beings experience it to one extent or another, most simply cover up their ears and go "lalalalala, I CAN'T HEAR YOU SO IT'S FINE" and then do stupid things.

Certainly, don't read things that could potentially trigger it; Kierkegaard was an existential philosopher, not a therapist.

I guess FRM should be able to help with it. Trouble is, as far as I understand it, some part of the unconscious may be trying to hold on to fear of this sort in order to keep you safe, just trying to go a bit "above and beyond" its duties, from what you're telling.

I only experienced what you're describing maybe once, but I do intimately know the sweet, gentle taste of paranoia, panic and the disassociation that comes with it, so I guess it may be somewhat similar. Fear is, ultimately, fear.

[whome]

Day 93 (day 6 on)

Another two days of waking exhausted.

Not sure what I’m going to do for NYE. It’s far too late to be hosting one, and I don’t see anyone else who I know doing so, and all the ones out there that I’m seeing are heavy club/loud music types or the usual terrible singles parties.

Sigh.

[whome]

Day 94 (day 7 on)

Woke again horrifically exhausted. Fiddling with the radiator in my bedroom.

I want to note that in the past two days, there’s been a real uptick in responses on my online dating profiles. Usually there’s absolutely nothing, zero, but there have been like 6 girls replying. The conversations don’t get anywhere, BTW; the most responsive girl is in Australia (she visited my city months ago and just yesterday got around to swiping), and all the rest have just gone silent after my first or second reply, but it is notable as I haven’t changed anything on there.