whome's DMSI 3.3.2 journal

[Have at ye]

It is not possible to experience an emotion and it's inverse at the same time. Pick something you deeply fear. Then try to genuinely experience unconditional love for it. If you fail it's because you fear it. If you succeed your fear will vanish.

Not to hijack your thread, but I have listened two days and a friend of mine was asking for my advice on how to be as confident/cocky about being a sexy man, as I seem to be.

Sounds a bit random, but this was voiced yesterday. He said that since he has known me I've been like this (5 years), but only voiced this yesterday?

Anything like this happen to you?

I had tons of stuff like that on DMSI, especially on the 3.x line of versions.

The only thing you have to watch for is whether the guy asking you for advice is not going to then later try to use it, or rather - use you - to try to "poach your girls", so to speak. I had at least 3 male "friends" like this ask me for advice, and then try to sabotage me hard, lol. Now, on this newest version, I can see that the guys have stopped trying to ask me openly for advice, but actually want to spend time around me and are trying to ape my behavior, lol.

[whome]

Day 68 (day 5 on)

Woke super tired. Today was a cuddle day, the first in about two weeks. Lots of grief came up, but things settled down. Hope it helps.

Meanwhile, the work concert is done. Last night I crammed for the other big concert that I have, and I’ll basically be doing that every night until it happens. I’m torn between leaving the group, as it’s not quite what I’m looking for group-wise, and using it as practice for memorizing music I don’t necessarily have a connection to. I can’t tell if that’s clever or self-hating. That’s the problem being me, that the ways I punish myself are so logical and make such sense that I can’t tell if they’re good or not.

[whome]

Day 69 (day 6 on)

Brutal exhaustion this morning. (As usual, ultrasonic loops overnight, 12/16 volume.)

I’ve run out of things to say here. Nothing is showing up in my life as to goal 1, and goal 2 of self-love/confidence/etc isn’t showing up either.

[LiquidMind]

I hear ya brother

2 months in and still not getting seduced by the ladies

I'm wondering if there's too much fear bring routed and that's why it's taking so long. So much stuff built up over the years

Is it just going to kick in one day and all these ladies come out of no where and it's like winning the pootang lottery?

[whome]

I'm wondering if there's too much fear bring routed and that's why it's taking so long. So much stuff built up over the years

Oh sure. I know that I have a lot of issues and pain. I’m running this sub because I’m hopeful it will help, but it’s not like I’m mad that I’m not getting girls left and right.

[whome]

Day 70 (day 7 on)

Woke super tired and quite dizzy.

Given that nothing is moving, I’m wondering if perhaps for the next cycle I should stop with the carpet-bombing and go back to four loops. Maybe I’m not in a good enough emotional shape to take it?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I really have no idea what to do from here.

[Shannon]

Tired and dizzy usually means that there is a major fight going on subconsciously. A major fight usually means that the cooperative parts are working on something that the uncooperative parts don't want worked on. The more tired you get the more hard both sides are fighting, if this is the case. The harder they are fighting, the closer you are to execution.

[whome]

Tired and dizzy usually means that there is a major fight going on subconsciously.

Should I keep up with the carpetbombing then? I have a break coming up.

(BTW, I’ve had long stretches of waking up tired and dizzy even before doing subs. I can’t say if this “tired and dizzy” thing is a sub thing or just my body doing its usual baloney.)

[Shannon]

Well if it's not specifically sub related I don't know.

[whome]

Day 71 (day 8 on)

Looping overnight; woke tired and dizzy again. Time to take a break.

I’m not sure if, when I return, I’m going to loop and carpetbomb, or if I’m going to go back to the four loops. I have all of the break to decide.

[whome]

Day 73 (day 2 off)

I’ve been waking tired, and not gruelingly exhausted, but as soon as I sit down and slow down, the exhaustion creeps over me.

Feeling better about a performance that’s coming up that I was concerned about. I still need to prep a lot more, but a lot of the anxiety there is fading.

[whome]

Day 75 (day 4 off)

Again, woke tired. Emotionally not great but not destroyed.

Back on tomorrow, though I’m not sure if I’m going to carpetbomb.

[whome]

Day 76 (day 1 on)

Back to the loops. I’m only doing four ultrasonic back-to-back overnight, 12/16 volume on my bedside iPhone while charging.

Still woke dizzy this morning.

[whome]

Day 77 (day 2 on)

Slept not much better than I have for the last while. There was a girl in my dream, moderately attractive, who I was talking to, and that’s more than I’ve had in my dreams in a long while, so there’s that.

But omg. So I’m part of a singing group. This membership is new, and I’ve been cramming to memorize 13 songs. We’re doing three performances over the weekend; the first is tonight. This morning I got notice that the only other tenor will not be able to sing at least for tonight, possibly for more nights. Surprise!

He hadn’t been present for the last rehearsal, and in vague concern I did some initial putting of the one song he’s in into the computer, but I’ve spent today just cramming music into my head. I’m not even nervous. My throat’s been tickling and I’ve been taking wellness pills, but at this point the absurdity of it all hits me to the point where I’m just not even worried.