whome: OF3

[whome]

Day 28

Second day on. I’ll be doing three loops; I’m 45 minutes through my first one.

A week ago I got a match on a dating app. We IMO had a solid connection, and set a date for this afternoon. A few days ago I texted her to reconnect and provide details but got only silence from her end. Last night I texted with only silence as a reply, so no date this afternoon.

I don’t bring this up for online dating advice. Please let’s not talk about it. But I mention it because it was an emotional hit, hard, this morning. It hit the “you are broken” button, and I was in pain and nauseous for hours. It’s the online dating forest, but at the tree level: one prospect every few weeks, who, even if I can manage to push to get a conversation going, bails before the date. (See my last post about all this pushing.)

I’m in a fight with myself. The rational part of me is concluding that my emotional system is too broken for any desirable woman to want me, so it’s almost certain that I’m going to die alone. (I hope that the pain isn’t so overwhelming that I might do something to accelerate the process.) On the other hand, I know that I use “rationality” as a tool to beat myself up. On the other other hand, imagining that somehow I’ll manage to heal the pain and then somehow manage to get good enough with relationships to get myself into one seems completely delusional.

I guess the dilemma is: how do I get delusional enough that I don’t get overwhelmed with hopelessness and despair, but not so delusional that my analytical mind calls bullshit? Right now, when there’s so much pain that any hope feels like delusion, I don't have an answer.

[whome]

Day 29

Day 1 off.

I’m feeling emotionally numb today. There’s an exhaustion to everything that I can’t shake.

[whome]

Day 30

Second day off.

I’m pondering trying the masked version tomorrow. Given that I’m not seeing any effect from the ultrasonic, I want to try switching it up. I’ll go with the masked for a cycle or two, and if that doesn’t have a noticeable effect either, then I plan to try the hybrid for a cycle or two to see what happens. If I don’t see anything with the hybrid, I’ll go back to the ultrasonic, but I want to give the hybrid a whirl to see if it can have an effect when the other styles don’t.

[MegaMan]

Hi whome, I have been reading your journal for some time and noticed something. While you mentioned feelings of pain in the beginning, you did not mention these feelings from day 28 onwards. So maybe this goes to show that OFv3 is doing something for you.

Wishing you success on your journey
MM

[whome]

While you mentioned feelings of pain in the beginning, you did not mention these feelings from day 28 onwards.

I’m still feeling all the pain and grief and terror, even if I don’t write about them every day in my journal. Thank you for reading, though.

To clarify a bit, when I write about the pain, it’s not that I write about it because I felt it that day, I write about it because it happens to be on my mind, or I’m trying to make a specific point. The pain and grief and terror are a 24x7 thing that hasn’t let up.

[Shannon]

Instead of doing a different format you may want to keep going up in loops per day each ASRB2 cycle.

[whome]

Instead of doing a different format you may want to keep going up in loops per day each ASRB2 cycle.

You said to cap it at 3. I could probably get 5 or 6 in a day ultrasonically.

[Shannon]

Instead of doing a different format you may want to keep going up in loops per day each ASRB2 cycle.

You said to cap it at 3. I could probably get 5 or 6 in a day ultrasonically.

Cap it at 3 and then increase days on. Are you saying you feel like you could handle 5 or 6 a day of the ultrasonic? If that's the case, give it a shot and see what happens. Maybe that's what you need to break through.

[whome]

Cap it at 3 and then increase days on. Are you saying you feel like you could handle 5 or 6 a day of the ultrasonic? If that's the case, give it a shot and see what happens. Maybe that's what you need to break through.

I meant that I could fit 5–6 in timewise. I haven’t felt any autoconfig, and I worry that any sense of wanting loops comes from my anxiety and my analytical mind wanting to fix myself than from the sub triggering deep knowledge of what I need.

Day 31

Three loops done in the morning. Maybe more later? We’ll see.

Still pain, though lower and duller.

[Shannon]

Cap it at 3 and then increase days on. Are you saying you feel like you could handle 5 or 6 a day of the ultrasonic? If that's the case, give it a shot and see what happens. Maybe that's what you need to break through.

I meant that I could fit 5–6 in timewise. I haven’t felt any autoconfig, and I worry that any sense of wanting loops comes from my anxiety and my analytical mind wanting to fix myself than from the sub triggering deep knowledge of what I need.

Day 31

Three loops done in the morning. Maybe more later? We’ll see.

Still pain, though lower and duller.

So it sounds like you may be getting autoconfig and killing it with interference from the analytical side of yourself.

Alright, since you haven't seen anything so far, start adding a loop per day each ASRB2 cycle.

[whome]

Alright, since you haven't seen anything so far, start adding a loop per day each ASRB2 cycle.

OK. Four loops a day.

I probably should also start increasing days on. Right now I’m on-2-off-2.

[CatMan]

Whome, just to attack this from a different angle.

Have you ever tested your speaker with the speaker test file? To verify it indeed can play the ultrasonic correctly? If it can't, that can explain things. If it can, it rules out problems with listening setup holding back sub success. Needs to play perfectly silently up to and at the volume you need to listen for it to be effective.

What kind of volume do you listen at? Have you verified that with a phone app for example? There have been many cases where it's turned out a person has simply been listening at far too quiet of a volume to be useful. For example, I setup my listening setup, then I measure volume with an app called SPLnFFT, it's free and very effective.

Just trying to help rule out those two scenarios that occur often enough to be mentioned. I'm sure you can get results after this, or worst case, with time. OF V3 is no joke, even better than I predicted it would be.

[whome]

Have you ever tested your speaker with the speaker test file? To verify it indeed can play the ultrasonic correctly?

I use the FrequenSee app on an old Nexus 7 tablet as well as the Spectrum app on my iPad to verify that there’s indeed ultrasonic sound.

What kind of volume do you listen at?

I play it at a 12/16 volume on my iPhone. While listening I keep my iPhone always within arm’s length, and usually on the ergonomic stand of my computer, which is about a foot away from my face. 

Both audio apps show an ultrasonic spike rise of about 30 dB above the noise floor.

[whome]

Day 32

Four loops. That’s as high as I want to make it in a day for now; I’m going to start increasing days on.

So far it’s been (loops per day):

1, 1, 0, 0, 0, 1, 1, 0, 0, 0, 1, 1, 0, 0, 1, 1, 0, 0, 2, 2, 0, 0, 3, 3, 0, 0, 3, 3, 0, 0, 4, 4

I was hanging out at two-on-two-off waiting for some kind of sign that the OF was having an effect, but I’m getting nothing. People are reporting dreams but I’m not noticing any change in mine when I’m remembering them. They’re calling out changes in their interactions, or something they feel, but I’m noticing none of that. The only thing that people are calling out is exhaustion, but I felt exhausted the whole time before starting OF, so I don’t see that as a sign.

I’m going to take two days off, but then try 3-on-2-off and then 4-on-2-off. See if any of that makes a difference.

Going hybrid seems like the new craze that everyone is doing. I’m definitely watching that to see how it turns out for people.