whome: Aura of Love

[whome]

So I’m back, again. My other post has the story of me finding this, but in a bit more detail here:

When I was little, there was this overwhelming pain of self-hatred throughout my body. It was a pain of a feeling of worthlessness, that everything that I did was wrong, that my very existence was wrong. When I asked myself “who is whome?” all I got was that overwhelming self-hatred, grief, pain, terror.

The everyday intense feeling of it has faded over the years, but it’s definitely still there. People say “you should meditate” but what happens when I sit with myself is that the overwhelming pain comes up, so I don’t meditate. They say you need to feel into your desires, but asking myself what I want just has the pain and self-hatred come up. They say you need to love yourself before any healthy woman will love you, so that’s obviously an issue.

I’ve talked about the “pain in my chest” before, and a few weeks ago I did a session with a healer. I dropped a lot of my mental control over my emotions, ended up feeling the self-hatred pain at full blast, and was screaming my head off for two hours. My understanding is now that the “pain in my chest” is what happens when the overwhelming self-hatred pain is bottled up, and I think that bottle is now shattered. I’m now constantly feeling the self-hatred, like I did as a child, but at levels of 3-5 out of 10.

I’m now struggling hard to handle the pain. If this were pre-pandemic, I would definitely be going to my cuddler and work with her on soothing the pain, as the pain feels very “early child” so I would have her do motherly soothing. But that’s not happening any time soon.

So I’m hoping that the run of Aura of Love helps. The specific reason I chose this was Shannon’s post:

I am seeing evidence that Aura of Love may be useful for helping certain types of depression.

which led me to the page which talked about bathing in the aura. I’m hoping that love is specific enough a thing that flooding the wounded inner child will help.

In terms of practicality, I very very very very much do like that this is only two hours. That’s not disruptive at all; I can play a loop on my phone without worrying about getting loops in, or interrupting calls, or anything. Today is day 2, and I’m halfway through a loop. I’m waiting to see how to tell if it’s working.

[Shannon]

If you're not feeling the aura already, then the program is hard at work making adjustments to issues that you have regarding love, opening yourself to love, being loved, accepting love, loving others and self love.

[RTBoss]

Just be ready to go through some stuff to get to that love. I'm two weeks in, and have had some ups and downs.

The ups are peeking through more and more. Some of them have been big. The program is supposed to be run for 4 months. I can see why, but I think the benefits will not only become more and more apparent, but will be more and more beneficial as time goes on.

Good luck, man! I'll be checking in to see how it goes for ya.

[whome]

Thanks, Shannon and RTBoss.

About halfway through the loop today, my arms started buzzing, and they’ve been buzzing since. It’s a good kind of buzz, that I’ve run into before, where some kind of energy is flowing.

My main measurement for if this is working for the purpose that I’m intending is the level of self-hatred pain. It’s still pretty high, but I hope that decreases with this.

[rarus426]

Deleted

[whome]

Day 3

For the last three days I’ve been using the hybrid trickling stream on my iPhone, playing the FLAC file at an 8/16 using Readdle Documents on the built-in speaker. Unless something comes up, that’s the plan for future days as well.

The reason that I’m doing this is because the feeling of self-hatred pain has been a 4/10 constantly for the last few days, and I think it’s actually getting a bit more front-of-awareness. My arms are still buzzing. The exhaustion that was promised is definitely here; I’m feeling quite tired.

One interesting aspect of the self-hatred pain is that it shows up for feelings of being loved, or feelings of arousal or desire. On one hand, if it weren’t for the pandemic, I would be working on getting sessions with someone to try to find a motherly energy to try to soothe the very child-like feelings of the self-hatred pain. Since that’s not happening, I’m trying to imitate this with the AoL, but any feeling of love that shows up is going to trigger things, and I know that. I’m hoping that the strength or endurance of the love aura overcomes the pain.

[Shannon]

Self punishment is always the worst.

[whome]

Day 6

My last post had me really feeling tired, but on day 4 waking exhausted as well as in the self-hatred pain started. I’m still listening to the hybrid track, though seriously, compared to previous titles where the listening time per day was 6–8 hours, a two-hour loop per day is so much better.

I’m running a loop daily, which is the official schedule, but I don’t have much to report other than the exhaustion, so I’m only occasionally checking in here.

[whome]

Self punishment is always the worst.

Indeed, though this isn’t a surprise. I’ve run a lot of subs: USLM3, DMSI 3.2, DMSI 3.3.2, LTU5, OF. And in every case I gave up because they weren’t getting anywhere and I was struggling with triggered pain and exhaustion.

So yes, expecting this.

I’m re-reading the description, and it talks about how bathing in the aura of love could be helpful. The reason I was doing this sub was that I was thinking that perhaps being in an aura of love would heal the pain. Just now realizing that if the pain is blocking execution of the sub, then there will be no aura to heal the pain.

Oh well, so I guess I’m now hoping that new machinery will be able to break through.

[Shannon]

Self punishment is always the worst.

Indeed, though this isn’t a surprise. I’ve run a lot of subs: USLM3, DMSI 3.2, DMSI 3.3.2, LTU5, OF. And in every case I gave up because they weren’t getting anywhere and I was struggling with triggered pain and exhaustion.

So yes, expecting this.

I’m re-reading the description, and it talks about how bathing in the aura of love could be helpful. The reason I was doing this sub was that I was thinking that perhaps being in an aura of love would heal the pain. Just now realizing that if the pain is blocking execution of the sub, then there will be no aura to heal the pain.

Oh well, so I guess I’m now hoping that new machinery will be able to break through.

You have a very sneaky way of self sabotaging, my friend.

The pain is self inflicted as a punishment for whatever you hate yourself for.  It isn't blocking the sub.  The thing you need to do is understand what you hate yourself for, and why.  Aura of Love will not stop the pain, but it is very possible that it will deal with - in whole or in part - the self hate that causes you to self punish with that pain.  You cannot experience love and hate at the same time, as far as I know.

Keep going.

[whome]

The thing you need to do is understand what you hate yourself for, and why.

The pain of self-hatred is really old. My earliest memories are of the overwhelming, full-body, excruciating pain of self-hatred. Over the years I’ve pushed it down enough so I can function, but it’s still underneath everything. It’s not a hatred about anything specific about myself. It’s a feeling that I shouldn’t exist, and that I’m worthless. It’s pre-verbal. It’s at my core and feels like it’s part of my identity.

I don’t know specifically if the pain is what prevents me from executing, or if it’s my subconscious that’s resistant and it pokes at the pain to inflame it to punish me for using the sub. But the pain is deeper than words and deeper than thoughts. It is an open wound in my soul that I’ve been trying to find a way to sew closed.

[Giacomonos]

Hi whome.

Regarding your situation, I suggest you to dive into Stanislav Grof's work: he talked a lot about how our existence in our mom's womb and our birth can determine crucial traits of our personalities.

Do you know if anything happened during your gestation? Grof arrived at the conclusion that the fetuses can perceive if their mother in some ways didn't want them, causing them to feel rejected by the world itself (the mother for the fetus in the womb) and to hate ourself just for the fact of being alive when we grow up, because we didn't have the possibility to process this blocked emotions, sensations and memories.

If your first memories are characterized by this emotions, I really suggest you to examine this theory and see what comes out.

Hope you the best and stay safe!

[whome]

Regarding your situation, I suggest you to dive into Stanislav Grof's work: he talked a lot about how our existence in our mom's womb and our birth can determine crucial traits of our personalities.

I’ve read works on similar topics, though not Grof’s. Thank you for the recommendation; is there any specific work of his that you’d recommend?

A healer once noted that it seemed like I had symptoms of what seemed to be early trauma, before six months of age or so, and recommended a book about that: https://isbn.nu/9781583944899. I got a copy of that book, and it described me exactly. In weird ways. In ways that made no sense.

I know that as a baby of age a few months, my mother fed me honey. She didn’t know that you should never feed infants honey due to a risk of botulism, but she did, and that’s what happened, and I spent a while in the hospital at that age. (That’s all the detail I have; the hospital doesn’t keep records for that long ago, and my mom died years ago, so there’s no one to ask.)

I use that book as reassurance that what’s going on for me is real. That every time I interact with a healer who gives me an explanation of how my emotional system works that doesn’t actually match the reality of what I’ve lived with and explored for decades, that they’re wrong, that what’s going on for me emotionally is real and different and valid. The problem is that the book doesn’t give any practical advice; it’s intended for practitioners, and offers some general guidance for treatment but not anything I can use.

Which is why I’m here, hoping that Shannon’s subs have their intended effect on me despite my emotional system being wired in a different way than most people’s.

Thank you again for the recommendation, Giacomonos; when I hear that someone else has heard of the kind of thing that I’m dealing with, I feel a calmness inside, a sense of being seen, something that I rarely feel.

[Giacomonos]

Thank you for sharing your feelings!

I really suggest you the book "Psychology of the future: lessons from modern research on consciousness" (https://g.co/kgs/RH2EzA), which summarises all his work, which is huge. He did a lot of research with LSD when it was still legal in the US, but then he had to develop a technique that induced similar experiences like that of LSD and with his wife he developed the Holotropic Breathing, which is a type of hyperventilation joined with evocative music and body work for releasing blocked energy. It's commonly practiced in weekend long workshops, because it has to be done in a controlled setting in which you can integrate the experience you had, which sometimes can be intense. I didn't yet used this type of technique, but I thought that it would have been useful for you to know that. If you are interested, search a pratictioner in your city, but first read the book.

From there, the first thing that pops me in mind is: have you ever been in therapy? Did it help you?
Because yes, subliminals can work, but I wouldn't rely only on them, especially in situations where your emotional stability can be easily compromised.