whome: OF3

[whome]

Have you ever tried hypnosis to find the source of your grief?

Also, my best guess for the source of the grief is that I’ve never felt safe in existing. I can feel the passage of time, and my current understanding is that I’m feeling grief for the time passing and the loss of it.

Day 42

Three loops of hybrid, again at 12/16 on my iPhone speaker. Feeling the grief and sadness eat away at me from the inside.

[Mystic Pymp]

Have you ever tried hypnosis to find the source of your grief?

Also, my best guess for the source of the grief is that I’ve never felt safe in existing. I can feel the passage of time, and my current understanding is that I’m feeling grief for the time passing and the loss of it.

Day 42

Three loops of hybrid, again at 12/16 on my iPhone speaker. Feeling the grief and sadness eat away at me from the inside.

Hey man! Do you have a way to deal with this sort of grief besides just waiting it out?

[whome]

Hey man! Do you have a way to deal with this sort of grief besides just waiting it out?

No, I don’t have any way of dealing with this, and no, waiting it out doesn’t work for me.

My emotional system is busted. I feel constant grief, and I feel constant emotional pain. It varies each day, but even on the days that it’s lower, it’s still palpably underneath everything.

I’m hoping that using OF will help in dealing with healing either/both, but so far nothing’s shifted.

[Mystic Pymp]

Hey man! Do you have a way to deal with this sort of grief besides just waiting it out?

No, I don’t have any way of dealing with this, and no, waiting it out doesn’t work for me.

My emotional system is busted. I feel constant grief, and I feel constant emotional pain. It varies each day, but even on the days that it’s lower, it’s still palpably underneath everything.

I’m hoping that using OF will help in dealing with healing either/both, but so far nothing’s shifted.

Oh, I get it. I wish I could help you out somehow but I see it's this type of situation no simple advice will do it. Take care of yourself man!

[whome]

Oh, I get it. I wish I could help you out somehow but I see it's this type of situation no simple advice will do it. Take care of yourself man!

Thanks.

I’ve tried all kinds of things that haven’t worked. I know that OF is a bit of a long shot, especially because the grief and pain aren’t really fear-based, but I figure it’s worth a try.

[whome]

Day 43

Three hybrid loops. The last of four days on; tomorrow and the day after will be days off.

Feeling exhausted still today. The grief and pain are still burning. When I get emotional I have to burp, and when I get really emotional it feels like I have air caught in my stomach, and that I have to burp, but I can’t so I start heaving. This afternoon, prompted by something that I don’t want to talk about, I got that feeling so intensely that I almost threw up.

I’m still trying to get recommendations for healers that are in town from my healers who are all out of town for the foreseeable future.

[whome]

Day 46

Three hybrid loops today. I’m thinking about next week’s visit home, and planning to do ultrasonic loops overnight because I don’t know if I’ll have the time during the day to listen to hybrid loops since I’ll be around family.

Still on a hunt for an EMDR practitioner. The first one that I contacted didn’t get back to me after a website contact form and a direct text. The second one did get back to me saying he’s booked for months. I feel anxious reaching out to people cold and that doesn’t help. I have somewhat of a lead for a third that I need to follow up on.

At the beginning of April I did a session which ripped open the cage holding the grief in, and grief and pain overwhelmed me. At the time I noticed that it felt very young, and all of my earliest memories of being a child curling up in grief and pain came back. So I’ve been trying to find a practitioner with whom to see if being soothed in that place will help, and I got a recommendation for one. I’m seeing her tomorrow and we’ll see how that goes.

[whome]

Day 47

Three hybrid loops.

Several months ago I had a session that had me in my emotional pain for hours, but the pain took me back to my earliest memories and feeling like a child. Because of that, the notion that I got in my head was that the next right thing to do was to explore the pain with more maternal-like soothing, to see if I could soothe the child-like pain as an adult.

One of the practitioners I work with but who left town for Covid and hasn’t yet returned found me a different practitioner in town. I had a session with the new practitioner, and I’m optimistic.

[whome]

Day 48

Three hybrid loops down.

I don’t want to mix and match during a cycle, but I’m not sure how much choice I have. Tomorrow’s horrifically busy and I’m going to be running around with no opportunity to listen to hybrid for three hours, so my current plan is to listen to four ultrasonic loops overnight.

[whome]

Day 49

Four loops overnight. Two days off coming up.

Lots of people post their dreams here. Most of the time I can’t remember them, but last night I dreamt that I was talking to a cute girl but shared a secret from work, which she wrote down. While she was cuddled up to me, I was frantically looking through paperwork searching for that page, and in terror that I would have to come clean to the place that I work that I shared a secret and face punishment.

I mean, at least it’s not being hunted or being killed, but it’s disappointing in that I rarely have any women in my dreams, and when I do, they’re either hostile or circumstances prevent anything from happening.

[whome]

Day 51

Visiting my family out of town. Going ok so far.

Speaking of dreams, I had a nightmare of a magnitude greater than anything I remember ever having before. It was a cross between torture and sexual assault. I remember dissociating in my dream, noticing the pain but holding on by counting seconds and it was at least two minutes before a round was over. The whole time I didn’t realize that I was dreaming during it and then I somehow found myself awake.

This matches nothing in real life. I have no idea how this relates to OF either. Dunno if this is the right place to speak about this.

[whome]

Day 52

Day one on. Overnight, four ultrasonic.

Family visit is going ok.

New practitioner is happy to work with me too. Looking forward to scheduling with her.

[whome]

Day 53

Day 2 on, overnight ultrasonic.

Feeling sad and overwhelmed. It feels like I’m constantly making mistakes in how I’m spending my time in my visit home. It’s irrational but burns in the same way as the self hatred.

[whome]

Day 54

Day 3 on, ultrasonic overnight.

Still at home, still trying to feel my way through.