Who do you love - DMSI 3.3.2 Jandom Rusings

[Have at ye]

Oookay. It would turn out that some of that HULK SMASH rage was, indeed, an attempt by my subC to assert itself against outside influence of some sort. Thank goodness for the shields; that's some serious hate-raid attempts if I can sense them thus (I've been noticing recently that when someone is trying to influence me negatively, my subC is automatically trying to assert itself - mostly the rational part, the emotional part still has some unresolved issues that would allow it to happen; it's why I'm such a fan of these shields ).

If I get a vision of, say, punching someone, it would mean *I am trying to protect myself from their influence* [edit: or maybe rather: assert myself against it] on some level. I remember this happening with one of my responders during the TID phase of DMSI in real time.

I really, really need to resolve issues that are actually allowing this to happen ASAP (I believe that once I would fully, unconsciously be determined that stuff is so-and-so, and not otherwise, it should be close to impossible to influence me negatively on any given issue; because it would be like someone trying to tell me that black is white and white is black, so the reaction would be an automatic "lol, nope". At least that's what I would hypothesize).

[Have at ye]

I kinda remembered that I have an item that helps with negativities thrown my way, and it doesn't interfere with shielding done by me, so I'll be wearing it as often as I can. It helps a lot. Or maybe it's placebo! Then again, one might argue that the entire perception of the universe is one big fat placebo, so...

Anyroad, what I meant to write is a random musing in the form of of an amusing anecdote. It pertains to what I'm driving at with what I'm doing with my bardic practice, as well as loving beautiful women practice. Time to get my Master Yoda on!

So, here it is:

W. A. Mozart gets approached after one of his concerts by an aristocrat of some sort.

Aristos: Maestro, I would very much like to compose a symphony. Would you be interested in assisting me and instructing me in so doing?

Mozart (*smelling money*): Why, of course, certainly! Do you have any experience in composition?

Aristos: Well, nope, that's why I'm asking you for help.

Mozart: Ahh. Well, see, the symphony is a relatively complex musical form. Perhaps we would be better off starting with something a little bit simpler, like a lieder or something.

Aristos: Why, but you composed your first symphony when you were 8 years old!

Mozart: That's true. But I never had to ask anyone how to do it.



[EDIT: Cue Mozart's silly laugh from the movie Amadeus]

[Have at ye]

Apparently, a thingy attached itself to some negativity/fear I was trying to transmute, and thus the lingering angry derpiness I was getting seriously annoyed with because it wouldn't go away this entire week. Chased the little bugger away. Gotta remember I'm moving around tons of energy here and maintain necessary precautions (I'm still doing them Taoistic practices for chi, jing and shen, as well as some more advanced stuff in the spirit of derpiness removal and crappiness-into-love transmutation to assist the sub, so together with DMSIng this could draw, urm, attention). I really can't be bothered with such trifles right now.

Anyroad, I went for a walk today, purchased that grooming device, went to the library and such. Ran into a bro-friend on the way, decided to go with him to the park to chill and chat. On the way, as we stopped at a store, I ran into - you won't guess who! - yeah, you guessed. Total chance encounter in the doorway. She said Hi! in her girly tone of voice (not the haughty aristocratic one  ) , I responded likewise whilst giving her my patented "I love you so much and I want to ravish you" Rasputin look and went on my merry way. I believe I was firing the sniper as well, as I started getting her on my mind for a couple of minutes beforehand, which I noticed would sometimes happen when the SRS gets going. I'm also very happy now for no reason whatsoever. Bro-friend was like, "you like them tall, lol".

I've got a part-ay lined up on Saturday (gonna attend), then a concert with a bro from my derp metal band dayz on Sunday, and then another part-ay (as well as a show to perform, but that's, pff) next Saturday, and then... another one in two weeks' time.    Time to get some serious field testing going on this bad boy.

Tonight, we're raging hard to some dirty disco (I've had this one going on my mind and playlist these past couple of days now):

[Have at ye]

Crap, my headphones fell off my head as I was listening to my loops during sleep last night. But - not all is lost, as I woke up actually being able to hear the sub pretty clearly but relatively quietly coming from the headphones next to my head. I think some resisty part of me doesn't really like the increased number of loops and volume increase (I was using a lower volume last week, now I'm at -10dB or thereabout as per foobar on headphones, so that's pretty loud); but not *that* much. The added immediacy appears to be working (i decided it's time to "turn up the heat" so to speak) as I was still awake during the first loop, and I felt like, a pressure going up to my head, and something very wonky happening on the perineum - liver line; as if something fairly big got kinda "pushed through", a little bit forcibly, perhaps, but still.

Feeling very good today, albeit I'm physically very tired (my back, shoulders, facial and abdominal muscles need some R&R from all the workouts, alignment correction and bardic practice I've been doing this week). I noticed that some part of me was trying to get uppity during bardic practice today, trying to come up with stuff like "this is crap, that's bad, lol" but it was rather mild, and another part of me was very calm and all "no, it's all good actually, I'm just physically tired after an hour's worth of singing etc., that's par for the course" and such.

It'd be better for my bardic practice if I had the facilities to practice 15-30 minutes every day, just working on the physical-technical stuff, and doing repertoire work on other occasions. Trouble is, I currently have the means to only practice for longer stretches of time every other day, excluding weekends, so I'm kinda forced to do it all at once, lol. It's still neat I have a place to do it regularly, though.

I have a certain suspicion that the current edition of the DMSI sniper is going to work most splendidly, but that it may simply require quite a bit of exposure time depending on the target - I'm noticing that I'm projecting less explicitly sexual "vibes" towards certain responders, it's more like comforting and loving (but still kinky ). So I believe that should there appear a responder who's by nature DTF, so to speak, it's going to get more direct oomph. Other types may take some more time and finessing. It's also funky, because I now intuitively seem to know and sense what particular brand of, shall we say, "romancing" would any particular responder require in order for fun stuff to happen. We'll see about whether this intuition of mine has merit with time, I guess!

It's also why I guess what I call "the heart stuff" had to get cleared out for me, personally, as I can feel the energy vibes being projected from that area as well.

[Have at ye]

Oooo-kaaay. DMSI-related effects have begun ramping up exponentially. Trouble is, designee "my little aristocrat" apparently stalked me to that part-ay on Saturday in order to game me some more. Though nevertheless the party was tons of fun, she and her "BFF" are definitely up to shenanigans of some sort. Now, even though the DMSI side of things is picking up lots of speed, my inner child (the part that's really, really hurt by being emotionally mistreated by women) did not like what happened on Saturday one-bit, and I've been feeling like shit/depressed all day today. I'm now recharging on the jing-chi-shen thingies, and it's making me feel better, then it's time for DMSI loops.

I can really attest though to the effectiveness of the "optimal state-shifting module" regardless of any kind of intoxication (I did consume a fair bit of alcohol over the night. Not my proudest moment but my mental state remained unchanged throughout).

[Have at ye]

Feeling a bit better now, but not all there yet (thank goodness for the shield, though. There's *a lot* of people trying to influence me negatively *hard* as far as I can tell. I could also feel the shield asserting itself aggressively during that Saturday night party, lol). Since the "my little aristocrat" thing appears to be getting out of hand, I see no other way than to find her and confront her in person at the nearest opportunity. I know where to find her, though.

I will be very, very sad and disappointed if this turns out to be simply another case of crazy.

Anyhow, I'll be playing my loops soon. Then we're on break until Saturday.

[Have at ye]

Fuck, am I scared of what I'm about to do.

[Have at ye]

Pah. I did not run into her (or I simply missed her), even though I actually had some business at that conservatory place. The plan remains unchanged, though. I did experience quite a bit of fear, and then a lot of anger, and then I cooled down a bit.

I am highly suspecting, though, that she did the "fuck the nearest orbiter and then try to rub it in my face" thing. There's still a chance it's just my emotional projection, but I'm slowly losing hope.

[Have at ye]

Damnit, I'm tired of this emotional roller-coaster. I don't know what's true or what is not anymore; that's why I need to get this cleared up as soon as possible. Trouble is, I'll be busy with work from Saturday on, and am probably touring next week out of town.

Because - on one hand, if she did not do the above, but just decided to game me a little bit by using a "przydupas" at the behest of her "BFF", then it's actually a pretty good sign especially considering certain things I've noticed that evening (she was *definitely* trying to get my attention albeit in a game-y way) that she's simply gone a little bit bonkers about me, and then we can talk (and she did it in such an obvious way that my other girls just looked at it and went "now that's a little bit much, don't ya think"). But - on the other hand - if she did it in order to drag me into running after her to just tell me "sorry, I'm fucking this guy now, lol", then that would be terribad.

And, because of my ambivalent nature which apparently hadn't yet been fixed in these matters, I'm on this roller-coaster of emotions right now, which is, whatever she's up to, *exactly her intention*.

Gaaah.

[Shannon]

It sounds like the solution is to disconnect your emotions from this woman and simply ignore her.

[Have at ye]

And that's, I guess, is what I'm afraid of the most. Because I really, really like her - probably because she is doing what she is doing. I actually tried to do that, but just this one situation and it's all back.

You're right, though.

[Have at ye]

Thanks for saying that, I feel a little bit better now.

Like a total and complete idiot, but better.

[Have at ye]

Oookay, feeling way better now. Hopefully to stay this way. Still feeling kinda stupid, though. I gave the girl an honest second chance, and this is what she decides to do? Nope. Just no.

Continuing.

[Have at ye]

Still feeling better, though not quite there yet - my sleep was very disturbed last night; but judging from my dreams, there's quite a bit of weird fears that are going on underneath it all (f. in. apparently I'm scared of someone actively stalking me and plotting to fuck up my life; I had a dream that involved this forum, lol, it appeared that in that dream, I was chatting on these forums with some female, and then it turned out it was some girl I was meeting with IRL who was using whatever I've written here, opening up and such, against me. This would, I believe, be directly related to my fear of vulnerability). My heart was acting up again with dark sensations and such as well, and is still doing so from time to time.

Also, I'm feeling paranoid because of all this (again; *not* the first situation like this in my life)

I still feel very stupid that I allowed myself to get owned by a woman emotionally even for, like, three days, but badly enough that I actually missed bardic practice today due to disturbed sleep. I also feel like I need to apologize to myself for being dumb enough to put myself through something like this again, for really, really stupid reasons.