Transcendental Sith Lord's UMS Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Not much to update but I did realize something that will probably change what I run. I think I came to the realization that I'm not going to get very far in executing any sub until I heal my brain honestly. It seems that this emotional and physical trauma is just so strong that it feels like I am almost stone walling lots of changes. I will still keep with his obviously but due to this I think I will be going to MHS 5.75G when it comes out. I remember the previous version healed me up pretty well and I don't think I had a single PTSD sympton while on it but I was only on it for a month then switched to the new DMSI. Funny thing is as well that while I was on the previous MHS I remember having a lot of physic experiences for some reason.

Anyway, I think this might be the way to go. It seems the trauma that causes the PTSD symptoms is flaring up too much with trying to fight the sub and even just negating it in some instances. I did ask myself why I had pretty decent results on LTU but then I remember that Shannon said LTU 5.0 would have a kind of MHS "lite" affect. I think what was happening was part of my brain was healing and this was allowing me to fully execute the script. I did have some questions @Shannon if you don't mind? If the new MHS is the next sub build in the mean time do you think it will be able to more powerfully heal physical trauma to the brain? One other thing I wanted to ask as well is will if have some kind of emotional healing component? What I mean by this isn't some general emotinal healing but healing any emotional trauma that is causing the manifestation of the physical trauma to the body?

I think my main problem is that it was the emotional trauma that caused the physical damage to the brain to begin with. So even if the brain gets healed if the underlying emotional trauma is not dealt with then the damage will re-manifest itself. That's why I ask that last question.

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. I think I've gotten to the point if I don't heal this then I won't get the results that I want from any of these subs. Funny thing too is as I thought about this I did remember that when I tried DMSI right after my MHS run that is when I actually had some of the best results off of DMSI. Either way, I think I will just stay on MHS when it comes out and then revisit UMS or others after I am sure I am fully healed. I will probably stay on it for like 90 days or more. Right now brute forcing this without dealing with the physical brain damage seems to not be working. That is my assessment so far anyway.

[Shannon]

I have to wonder if maybe this isn't a self deception designed to get you to stop using UMS.  You were doing great on LTU and I was hoping you would keep using that.  But you switched, and immediately overdid it by miles.  I don't know what your current usage patterns are, but I honestly have to wonder about that.

I did have some questions @Shannon if you don't mind? If the new MHS is the next sub build in the mean time do you think it will be able to more powerfully heal physical trauma to the brain? One other thing I wanted to ask as well is will if have some kind of emotional healing component? What I mean by this isn't some general emotinal healing but healing any emotional trauma that is causing the manifestation of the physical trauma to the body?

MHS heals all of the body, whatever is not as it should be to be fully healed.  The next version will be more powerful.  Hence, it would seem reasonable to conclude that yes, it will.  MHS 5.75G is going to be designed to backtrack and heal whatever is necessary to allow all physical healing to take place.  The primary goal is physical healing, but if you need some sort of mental or emotional healing to make that happen, the program will do that.  But then, with the Optimus Engine, it was already designed to do that.

I think my main problem is that it was the emotional trauma that caused the physical damage to the brain to begin with. So even if the brain gets healed if the underlying emotional trauma is not dealt with then the damage will re-manifest itself. That's why I ask that last question.

How does that work?  I have never heard of emotional trauma causing physical damage to the brain before. Is that even a thing, or is that something you're guessing at having happened?  Because as far as I can see, this is likely just an elaborate self deception to get you off UMS, and LTU before that.

[DarthXedonias]

@Shannon Actually Have thought about that but I don't see anything from this program at all. On top of that my flashbacks and outburts (symptoms of PTSD) have gotten even worst. So I don't know what is going on. I don't think it is that but I am honestly not seeing anything from this program so far unlike with LTU.

As for your question yes it does happen. Will post an informative article below but here is a relevant part:

"Researchers have also looked at the size of the hippocampus in people with and without PTSD. They have found that people who have severe, chronic cases of PTSD have smaller hippocampi. This indicates that experiencing ongoing stress as a result of severe and chronic PTSD may ultimately damage the hippocampus, making it smaller."

Also: "The hippocampus is a part of the limbic system of the brain. The limbic system describes a group of brain structures that surround the brain stem. The brain structures that make up the limbic system play a major role in how one experiences certain emotions (fear and anger), motivations, and memory."

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-effect-...in-2797643

Yeah, so I didn't just make that up on the fly or something I just thought up. There are many more studies and articles saying the same thing. The only thing they haven't figured out is if the Smaller hippocampus came before hand (hence its a sign that someone might be more prone to having a PTSD event) or if the smaller hippocampus is a symptom. Either way there is a connection. Either way, that is just my opinion on what is going on.

[Shannon]

Okay, interesting. I'll look into that. But you "not getting any results from this program"... have you read your own journal?

[DarthXedonias]

Okay, interesting.  I'll look into that.  But you "not getting any results from this program"... have you read your own journal?

I do admit It wouldn't be fair to say absolutely nothing since I did at least get the China job and I don't have to worry about storage for my stuff. Other than that I haven't really noticed anything concrete. All I've noticed is my symptoms flaring up constantly and quite frankly its driving me crazy. This is with me still using it at the suggested usage patterns. I'm just tired... so tired of living like this. I've had this crap ruining my life for like 8 years now. I just want it gone. There is that and like I said I am wondering if this is literally getting in the way of me executing any of this besides LTU to a degree since you said it had MHS "lite" affects. It seems like every time I get close to maybe a breakthru the trauma flairs up and I literally can't break thru it. 

My concern is this if it is true my hippo-campus has been damaged as I said and this leads to me not being able to sufficiently regulate things like fear, motivation, and anger (since I am literally physically incapable of doing so due to the physical damage) would that affect my ability to execute? In theory?

[Shannon]

Okay, interesting.  I'll look into that.  But you "not getting any results from this program"... have you read your own journal?

I do admit It wouldn't be fair to say absolutely nothing since I did at least get the China job and I don't have to worry about storage for my stuff. Other than that I haven't really noticed anything concrete. All I've noticed is my symptoms flaring up constantly and quite frankly its driving me crazy. This is with me still using it at the suggested usage patterns. I'm just tired... so tired of living like this. I've had this crap ruining my life for like 8 years now. I just want it gone. There is that and like I said I am wondering if this is literally getting in the way of me executing any of this besides LTU to a degree since you said it had MHS "lite" affects. It seems like every time I get close to maybe a breakthru the trauma flairs up and I literally can't break thru it. 

My concern is this if it is true my hippo-campus has been damaged as I said and this leads to me not being able to sufficiently regulate things like fear, motivation, and anger (since I am literally physically incapable of doing so due to the physical damage) would that affect my ability to execute? In theory?

Okay, so what you're telling me is that you're using it at suggested usage patterns, and that is insufficient for you.  Whenever you start executing the PTSD flares up, and that means that the PTSD is backed by fear.  So the solution here would be to use it enough loops per day, enough days in a row and get the right number of days off in a row for you.

You started off using it 8 loops a day for days on end, IIRC.  Maybe that's what the program was directing you to do?  Why not try going back to that and follow your gut?

Ultimately, the PTSD sounds like it has to originate from fear, and for that to end, the underlying fear has to be dealt with.  It won't be if you don't use the program enough and jump to something else.  

MHS 5.75G will affect any brain healing you need, but will it be getting through the fear itself?

[DarthXedonias]

Okay, so what you're telling me is that you're using it at suggested usage patterns, and that is insufficient for you.  Whenever you start executing the PTSD flares up, and that means that the PTSD is backed by fear.  So the solution here would be to use it enough loops per day, enough days in a row and get the right number of days off in a row for you.

You started off using it 8 loops a day for days on end, IIRC.  Maybe that's what the program was directing you to do?  Why not try going back to that and follow your gut?

Ultimately, the PTSD sounds like it has to originate from fear, and for that to end, the underlying fear has to be dealt with.  It won't be if you don't use the program enough and jump to something else.  

MHS 5.75G will affect any brain healing you need, but will it be getting through the fear itself?

I will do as you suggest then. As for the last part you said, that's the thing I wonder. It seems based on my experience and what I know of my condition if I try to heal the emotions directly I don't get anywhere because I still have damage to the center of my brain that helps me regulate fear, anger and motivation in the first place. If I heal the physical damage I get no PTSD symptoms but the question is will I be able to heal with emotional trauma that is causing it in the first place? If I don't it will just comeback anyway like a week later. It would seem on that front the best idea would be able to heal both the emotional aspect and the physical damage which LTU did do to a degree but I don't think the the MHS "lite" affect was enough. It helped for a bit but I noticed that even while on it later it was like the symptoms were less but not totally gone. They were just a lot less frequent.

[Shannon]

So you need the Universal Healing sub, which heals the mind, body, emotions, etc. all at once. Hmm, I had forgotten about that one. Probably best to do that one in 6G though.

[DarthXedonias]

So you need the Universal Healing sub, which heals the mind, body, emotions, etc. all at once.  Hmm, I had forgotten about that one. Probably best to do that one in 6G though.

Yeah, I had thought about that sub you mentioned but given that I will have to wait for 6G for that I will just have to settle for MHS 5.75G then. I will just have to hope that it will be powerful enough to heal the underlying emotional trauma that is causing the physical damage in the first place. Hopefully it will then once that happens I might perhaps start executing other subs better. Just to be sure I will run it for 3 months or hell I will run it 6 months if I have to. Just hopefully by that time the healing with be permanent. 

@Shannon I did have a kind of what if situation to ask you about though. Lets say what I am speculating about is true do you think perhaps that it might just be permanent based on my not "experiencing" PTSD for a long time might make that the new normal? Like if I don't experience symptoms for say 6 months or even a year then just because that's the new "normal" base line for me that it is probably unlikely to change? I know there is probably still other variables to consider but I'm talking mainly about this being the new "habit" for me of not experiencing it?

[Paul1131]

Reading this, I think you might be falling victim to the naturalizer which works really well on that one. You clearly are getting results. I’m having the same thing. I really have to think about my day before I realize that some of the good stuff that happened was NOT perfectly normal. If I wasn’t paying more attention because I’m journaling it, I probably wouldn’t notice and be thinking that this sub wasn’t doing squat when in fact I’m getting great results.

[DarthXedonias]

Well, I kind of fucked up. I think it might have been agitation from the sub and partly resistance.

Went into the kitchen this morning and my mother was up. Started lecturing about how I'm not doing enough, etc, etc. I finally just blew my lid and yelled at her "Do you know how it feels to want to kill yourself for 5 years?" and "This is why I don't talk to you because you fucking lecture me all the time". I threw my cup full of water on the floor (it didn't break) and she still tried to act calm etc but I just walked out. Reason I say this might have been a fuck up is because this means I might not get any financial assistance which I desperately need at the moment since I am practically broke and I still need to get a few things done (that require money) before I can move to China. At this point I might need to take out a loan to get this done and carry me over the first month before I get my paycheck in China.

As for that incident something just snapped in me. I might have already been put in edge because of the sub and I just lost it. I thought about how she just keep on complaining about shit to a person who has clear PTSD, etc, etc and I finally just got tired of it. People who constantly complain about their own issue and then bitch about what your not doing while you've been suffering for the last 6 years to the point of thinking about ending it numerous times. She is right about something though after I move out of the states I don't plan on ever coming back. The only thing I would come back for is to get my stuff and that is it. I am suspicious like I said though that this might have been some way to self sabotage myself from getting to China. Thing you have to know about me is it takes a long time for me to get angry though when I finally do I do scare people because they almost never see me truly angry.

There is one other thing though as I think about it. The fact that it might be a combination of the sub putting me on edge and the PTSD symptoms just blowing up like crazy which is putting me in a already very agitated mood. Anyway, I think I will definitely run MHS later on when it comes out. I want this damaged healed and done with and I don't care how long its going to take. Its apparent to me now that I can't keep brute forcing this because the trauma is just too fucking strong and with my brain damaged in some parts I just can't seem to get past this all. I need to heal myself physically in order to actually get anywhere I believe. If others think that's a cop out then fine they can believe what they want. There not the ones suffering like this and thinking about offing themselves.

If this sounds very angrily written it probably is because I still am pissed off to the point I'm feeling body reactions (tends to happen when I finally do get pissed off). I feel this warm heat time energy in my stomach at the moment and my spine feels tingly. Anyway, that's about it. I'm just done with this I want my brain healed and if I have to stay on MHS for 6 months to a year I don't care. I'm tired of living like this.

[DarthXedonias]

Quick update. Well, things turned out well after my outburst actually. My mother actually became even more helpful probably because she realized that I wasn't in the mood for dealing with her complaining and BS anymore. She has basically laid off for now and hopefully that last until I get out of here.

For other things, I was able to get my medical stuff done and sent the paperwork yesterday to the women working for the school organization. She got back to me today over Skype and said she should be sending me the invitation letter, etc pretty soon (within the next 10 days). So, pretty much looks like I will finally be heading out of here within the next 14-17 days about. I'm actually really happy about this and this will be the first time I actually have a good paying job that is stable in a while. I also checked out the school some more and the area it will be in.

Turns out I was right that it was a boarding school hence why I get 3 free meals a day on weekdays. It is a private, international boarding school where more wealthy people send their kids to. With any luck hopefully I might be able to get hired privately by a wealthy family for tutoring possibly. If i'm speaking honestly this type of gig is actually pretty good for a beginner teacher. The area the school is in is also very good and is set apart on about 98 acres of land next to a lake. Despite that things such as super markets, etc aren't too far away. Also it seems I will only be teaching like 2-3 classes a day with no office hours that I've seen so far and an 2 hour lunch break. So technically I will only be on the clock for 6 hours.

Besides all that I have come a conclusion on something else after watching some more videos on it. I decided I will go back to the university I graduated from to complete a Bachelors in Computer science and then work on a masters in either Data science or Computer science. I found out my chances of getting a remote job is pretty good and even if I get a job on the lower end (70k per year) that would still be more than enough for countries like the Philippines or Indonesia. I could also travel around while working if I wanted to. First off though I will be making sure I pay off any debts I have and also during that process I will be running the new MHS to make sure my brain gets repaired fully. I will probably run it for 3-6 months to make sure the damaged is fully repaired.

Once I'm sure everything is fine I will probably get on MLS or if the new MLS is out at that time I will run that while I'm going through the programming course. Once I have that all set I will be good to have more than enough money coming in and have extra money to save up to put in my side business. I decided on this course because even though medical would be cheap in China it is still a lot of time sitting in a classroom for years. I'm pretty much done doing that for now on. Besides, there are plenty of remote tech jobs that pay only a little bit less but require a lot less time to prepare yourself to get them. Anyway, that's the plan for now.

Hopefully it all goes well. More than anything I am determined to heal myself of this affliction. I do think it is literally getting in the way of me executing a lot of the script for the subs and I will spend as much time healing myself as I need to in order be done with it.

[PDjunkie]

Quick update. Well, things turned out well after my outburst actually. My mother actually became even more helpful probably because she realized that I wasn't in the mood for dealing with her complaining and BS anymore. She has basically laid off for now and hopefully that last until I get out of here.

For other things, I was able to get my medical stuff done and sent the paperwork yesterday to the women working for the school organization. She got back to me today over Skype and said she should be sending me the invitation letter, etc pretty soon (within the next 10 days). So, pretty much looks like I will finally be heading out of here within the next 14-17 days about. I'm actually really happy about this and this will be the first time I actually have a good paying job that is stable in a while. I also checked out the school some more and the area it will be in.

Turns out I was right that it was a boarding school hence why I get 3 free meals a day on weekdays. It is a private, international boarding school where more wealthy people send their kids to. With any luck hopefully I might be able to get hired privately by a wealthy family for tutoring possibly. If i'm speaking honestly this type of gig is actually pretty good for a beginner teacher. The area the school is in is also very good and is set apart on about 98 acres of land next to a lake. Despite that things such as super markets, etc aren't too far away. Also it seems I will only be teaching like 2-3 classes a day with no office hours that I've seen so far and an 2 hour lunch break. So technically I will only be on the clock for 6 hours.

Besides all that I have come a conclusion on something else after watching some more videos on it. I decided I will go back to the university I graduated from to complete a Bachelors in Computer science and then work on a masters in either Data science or Computer science. I found out my chances of getting a remote job is pretty good and even if I get a job on the lower end (70k per year) that would still be more than enough for countries like the Philippines or Indonesia. I could also travel around while working if I wanted to. First off though I will be making sure I pay off any debts I have and also during that process I will be running the new MHS to make sure my brain gets repaired fully. I will probably run it for 3-6 months to make sure the damaged is fully repaired.

Once I'm sure everything is fine I will probably get on MLS or if the new MLS is out at that time I will run that while I'm going through the programming course. Once I have that all set I will be good to have more than enough money coming in and have extra money to save up to put in my side business. I decided on this course because even though medical would be cheap in China it is still a lot of time sitting in a classroom for years. I'm pretty much done doing that for now on. Besides, there are plenty of remote tech jobs that pay only a little bit less but require a lot less time to prepare yourself to get them. Anyway, that's the plan for now.

Hopefully it all goes well. More than anything I am determined to heal myself of this affliction. I do think it is literally getting in the way of me executing a lot of the script for the subs and I will spend as much time healing myself as I need to in order be done with it.

happy for you to see things really starting to improve for you now

[Shannon]

MHS is not too terribly far away regardless of what happens, because I need it. But I'd like to clear my plate of DMSI before I build it, in order to have the best base upon which to build. We shall see how that goes.