Transcendental Sith Lord's OGSF 5.9G Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Wanted to wait a bit more time before I said anything but been seeing so much in just the first few days that I might as well mention it all. 

Before that I should probably mention something which I'm not sure it was due to the TID or not (i'm leaning more towards it being since I was taking a break in prepartion for this sub). Essentially I don't know why but I just had this feeling of just wanting to take responsibility for everything in my life. As in take responsibility for anything that could have gotten me to this point. I don't know what caused this but by me taking responsibility of that and any decisions I made somehow I was able to then get past a plateau I was at because it felt like I was in a limbo there for a while. I found out this limbo state was due to 2 reasons of which the second I will talk about later in the post. The first though was that I was still afraid of the possible consequences of following any instructions. However once I realized and said to myself that I will take responsibility for the "possible" good and bad consequences of following any sub instructions I all of a sudden just gave in. By taking on any future ownership I had already accepted things. 

As for now after about to be on my 4th day of listen I have had major changes. I think because I have used so many different versions of OF but as I figured the guilt and shame were keeping some of the fears in place. However once I started listening to this sub it was like the flood gates opened and what fears were being close to being eradicated were. Also it got rid of the second reason I was plateauing. The guilt and shame were keeping the fear of changing in place and there was a lot of guilt and shame associated with changing myself in the first place. So basically this sub was exactly what I needed. its funny while listening one time something just clicked and I said "Why am I feeling guilt, shame, and fear in the first place? These emotions only help others but doesn't serve myself at all. Also they are open to wide spread abuse by others". It was like I was able to see clearly in my own life and the lives of others how insidiously some people use these emotions to manipulate others to get what they want out of them. When that clicked in I just said I wasn't going to feel these emotions for anyone else anymore. If the only way someone can get me to do something is through guilt, shame, and fear tactics then they are just trying to use me. If they weren't they would be able to use logic, reasoning and pro/cons to get me to their side. I can say without a doubt those feelings are practically minimum at this point. 

I might add on top of that that I can feel the special aura for this sub as well. I just feel it flowing throughout my entire body and I do very much like it. I feel very calm and collected. Nothing really shakes me much at the moment. One other thing which I only noticed today is that with each passing day I keep feeling happier and happier. I think I had some guilt or shame about being in a happy mood. As if I didn't deserve it or I was shamed for being so. So I just shut myself down because of it. Also surprisely the fear of death was dealt with at the same time that the fear of change was and I found out why. Basically since my identity is no longer static as it were and I'm not afraid to change how I see myself or who I am this makes death meaningless to me. I feel as though the most important reason why we fear death is because we are so attached to our current identities in this world and death seems like an end to that identity. However if you aren't afraid to change and grow throughout your life then you shouldn't fear death then. If i don't fear losing my current identity in exchange for another one why would I fear losing my identity in death? Its not like death is the end anyway. So what? I take on another identity at some later date possibly. If I am already willing to do that now by changing then what do I have to fear anymore? 

Anyway, these are just the major revelations at the moment and I quite enjoy listening to the sub. I get this urge to listen to it more at times. Along with the aura when i listen a lot of the time its like the outside world is shut out and my mind is only focused on things within me. I have the feeling this might be the shielding at work to a degree. One last thing is I don't know how to describe it but I feel like like I am seeing the world really for the first time. As if I am seeing things without too much of my internal baggage being overlayed on reality. I feel free for once. As if I can actually make good rational decisions without too much interference. I don't feel like I am in limbo anymore. Anyway, that is about it for now. Hopefully I was able to mention something or give insight to some people. I will definitely be running this sub for months. Probably for 3 or to the recommended of 4 months. I have this feeling that if I complete all this then basically most of my issues will be resolved and funny enough I feel interested in actually completing this. It doesn't feel like some daunting task to keep listening regulary for a few months or "worrying" about what resistance I might get.

[4Kingdoms]

As for now after about to be on my 4th day of listen I have had major changes. I think because I have used so many different versions of OF but as I figured the guilt and shame were keeping some of the fears in place. However once I started listening to this sub it was like the flood gates opened and what fears were being close to being eradicated were. Also it got rid of the second reason I was plateauing. The guilt and shame were keeping the fear of changing in place and there was a lot of guilt and shame associated with changing myself in the first place. So basically this sub was exactly what I needed. its funny while listening one time something just clicked and I said "Why am I feeling guilt, shame, and fear in the first place? 

Well said...
That is a great description of exactly what I am experiencing!

Many years ago, I lost my footing on the roof and fell onto my back. 
Luckily a month of rest and chiropractic adjustments and I healed physically.
As you can imagine, getting on a roof has been challenging.
What does guilt or shame have to do with how I'm feeling?

Tomorrow, I have to pressure-wash green algae off the siding of my home.
I have to get on the roof to do this and I'm eager to get the job done!

[Benjamin]

Very interesting. I definately am more aware of how fear holds me back from things.. not as much guilt and shame but I can say I know I have those issues to.

Even with fear it's not like i'm sitting around feeling very anxious about doing a certain thing, it's more like just feeling 'blocked' or like 'nah I don't want to do that'. With guilt and shame it's even harder to see. But I really love your experience that 4Kingdoms pointed out too.

I think one way to look at it is that it's surprising what can become 'normal' for us. If we've felt these things for so long we may not even be aware of it or know how it's holding us back until it's dug into. What's also funny is sometimes it might even feel 'wrong' to not have it as you're so used to having this thing you're carrying around, which is something I would assume that Shannon has identified and dealt with in the program as it's a fairly common one.

I'm not going to use it quite yet, but I definately will at some stage because I hear that Australians love OGSF.

[Shannon]

Oh they do, Ben. They do.

[DarthXedonias]

Well, think its time for an update as there has just been big major changes. First off I would say I haven't watched porn or done anything similar at all since I have started this sub. I have no desire to do so. Its interesting because over the last couple of years things have ranged from having a problem to watching such things less. This is the first time I think I have just done cold turkey and had no desire to return. I think there is a secondary reason for this as well. It had to do with my PTSD. I had known for a long time that people with PTSD often are in this hyper arousal state. Since this sub that hyper arousal state is just gone. I think I would use such things as porn or fapping as some kind of escape mechanism in order to not have to deal with certain issues or when things got too uncomfortable.

One other major thing is that the messaging became what I think Shannon called self regenerating. I felt this one time while listening. It felt like the messages no longer were coming from my headphones but from within myself. I will still keep listening though at this point I am letting the sub guide me to how much I need to listen to it. I trust myself in that regards now. One side effect I have noticed is that I haven't been studying at all really for my second degree. I think I have two reasons for this. (1) I feel very dedicated to dealing with what the subliminal is telling me to deal with. So much so that I do actually want to do 3 to 4 months of it to clear everything out. I don't know if this is due to some new technology or not but I just feel totally focused on the instructions. This is a first for a subliminal because usually I would start getting the "run away" type feeling when dealing with my issues. Now I feel motivation. (2) I have the feeling that with all this GSF removal that I don't feel those things around my studies. I have this intuition that once I get back on MLS that I will be highly motivated and focused on those goals instead.

I know for certain now this was the subliminal I really, really needed all this time. It is clearing out all the garbage that has been holding me back all these years. I don't feel anymore of that anxiety, anger, hatred, or rage. Hell I don't think I have felt really much of a negative emotion this entire time and when I do I actually analyze it to fine out why I feel that way in the first place. I feel like all that extra fat is being taken off of my psyche and I'm getting back down to basics. I think it was the other day it came to me why do I even have emotions in the first place? The answer I came up with is emotions and instincts are there to motivate you to do something. Desire for sex is to get you to procreate, or hunger is to get you to find and get food. With that in mind I now ask me myself when I feel something what is that feeling trying to get me to do? Maybe also that feeling came from something someone told me, a belief. A belief that tells me I should react to something to certain things by feeling a certain way. I noticed along with these revealations that I just feel my feelings in the moment and then when that few seconds or minutes has passed the feeling is let go of. So I feel a lot more emotionally healthier than before.

I realized that I have a path I have to walk down on my short time on this planet. I was born, I started walking down this path called life and eventually that path will end. You know what I am fine with that now. What I won't be fine with however is being distracted all too much by the various petty things people might do to me. I'm over it already. All those negative emotions were nothing but distracts from walking down the path I should be walking. Its like I just stopped and got in the fetal position and mopped around for a long time. Just remaining stagnant and frozen in place. I have no more time to waste on this petty nonsense. What happened happened. It is done with and the only way it keeps living is through my mind and thoughts because I allow it to. I will take control of my actions, beliefs, and my own mind. I will not give another full control over my mind. Of course I was confronted with he idea of isn't the subliminal taking some amount of control. However some part of me came up with something very interesting. Some part of me wanted to run the sub and some part of me wanted to change. It wanted this. However given all the abuse and trauma from my younger years, I didn't ask for that. Why should those beliefs and messages have power over me when I didn't ask for them? They were literally foisted on to me most of the time by some toxic person who didn't want to deal with their own issues. Yet, i would question a subliminal which some part of me chose to run but not question the toxic beliefs that were foisted on to me at a young age?

I think it was at that point my eyes really opened about everything and I just let a whole bunch of stuff go. I figured out these things or beliefs were no longer serving me. They were chains. I even feel it now that I look at reality a lot more differently than I used to. As if my eyes are finally open. As if I am finally free. That about it for now since I actually need to run to work soon. I thought I would give this quick update though. I would highly recommend that if you have various problems definitely run this subliminal. At this point I would put it above E4 or OF.

[DarthXedonias]

Just a short update.

Don't know why but I'm noticing that I am sleeping a lot deeper (also longer) and when I wake up I feel like something major has been processed. Its like I have some insight of what I need to do in various parts of my life. Its been longer than 4 days since I last listened to the sub but that is by choice. I am playing it by ear of when i should listen to it. I don't believe this is self sabotage. I know what self sabotage feels like and this isn't it. It just seems like for some reason after that whole avalanche of changes my subconscious is still just trying to process everything. So I guess it needs extra days off to come to terms with things. I am still getting results while on this off period. I'm thinking I might go back to listening either tomorrow or the day afterwards.

[DarthXedonias]

Lots of things have happened so it will be difficult to bring up everything. To be quite honest I haven't wanted to post here. I think its because as things just get better for me I find myself spending less here and more moving my life forward.

I realize more and more that this is the program that I needed to run all this time and probably at 5.9G levels of strength. Literally within a few weeks I have seen myself making concrete changes. Just after this last time of running the sub I pretty much don't have much desire to watching youtube which is something I was struggling to stop doing. It seemed the algorithm really had my mind addicted to getting that rush of dopamine from clicking recommended video after recommended video. Now its basically stopped for the most part. I'm able to watch a video here and there but some videos I have become totally disinterested in. I find myself asking if this is really going to positively impact my life or not. Before sometimes in order to avoid doing actual productive work I would spend hours wasting time watching videos then I would be too tired later to do any studying, etc. Now I'm able to consistently do programming problems that will help me pass my current class. Matter of fact I find I don't sleep as much either. Just last Sunday I was laying down after work but couldn't sleep so I got up and started working on programming problems throughout the entire time until I rested later.

I also find as well during driving for work when I could listen to youtube freely (can't really study as well since I need to pay attention to the road) I just don't feel like listening to it. I just realize most of the crap on youtube doesn't actually make my life better and is just a distraction. Most of it is a waste of time and the platform is full of creators who really don't offer you any value. They just want you to subscribe and give them money for telling you what you want to hear (not actual reality or truth like they say) and entertaining you with their online "persona". Not to say there aren't some that give some type of value but a lot of creators on there just seem to be playing a persona while acting like their content will change the world or governments, etc, etc when in reality they aren't.

One other thing I have noticed I am taking much better care of myself in general. Though the most prominent thing is mental. It finally really clicked for me that I am in control of myself and my emotions. I realize what I have control of (myself and thoughts) and what I don't (other people, etc). This finally clicked for me when I finally really got introduced to the thinking behind Stoicism mainly through Marcus Aurelius (the Roman emperor) and Seneca. I don't know why but as I listened to the quotes from his meditations something just spoke to my soul and I finally realized what direction I needed to go. For once I actually feel firm and confident in where I am going in my life. I actually have direction now instead of feeling like I'm just pingponging between chaos and being in some place where I am no really going anywhere. Its interesting because I had seen Marcus Aurelius being recommended to me a few times on youtube and elsewhere but I never listened till now. I think i wasn't at the point in my life where I could have been most receptive to the message. I was actually able to put a lot of what was said into immediate action. I think it was about 3 weeks ago I had someone try to defraud me. Not in a illegal sense but shady and bad nonetheless. Blocked them on other stuff and I will admit doing a certain action did go through my mind. In that this person lives in an area with totally different laws and mentality. I had screenshots of some stuff they had mentioned and their full name along with which city they lived in. I could have released that information and I am confident it could have destroyed their lives or even more actually given where they live.

However as the hurt part of me wanted this revenge I struggled with that. I then heard a few quotes from Marcus Aurelius and I instantly was able to choose the good choice and calm myself:

“Choose not to be harmed — and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed — and you haven't been.”
"Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."
"The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury."
"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking."
"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."

After this and more the pain was gone because I chose to not feel that pain anymore. It wasn't just this incident though my whole past was put into perspective. He had another quote where he mentioned you don't own the past or future. You only own this present moment. Think of yourself as dead already and that the past is what death has already claimed. There is no changing that. The past is dead and gone. All I can change is how I remember it. To constantly think about it and get angry over it is the actions of a child. It is unreasonable and gets you no where. it was funny I think a combination of the sub and these way of looking at things finally just made me feel so much more calmer. Once I finally let it go it felt like I had let go of a weight I had been carrying around for so long. I also realized I wasn't acting as logical and reasonable as I would have thought. This was brought to my attention when I learned about the principle of living in accordance with nature. Basically there are evil, vile or even hurtful people in this world. If this is true then why would you get angry and hurt when you run into these people. The chances of running into people like this is high so why should you be surprised? Is it because you believe you shouldn't have to deal with these people or encounter them? That is irrational. Once I realized this and put it into perspective a lot of my own inflicted suffering just ended. Why should I get angry and upset over something that is bound to happen?

There is a lot more but its free to say I have made radical changes over the last few weeks. I should mention 2 last things. First off after getting over the hurt, etc the person who had tried to defraud me reached out to me through some other communication to apologize and saying they will make it right. Not sure I trust them nor do I care anymore. Secondly, after something my mother had said I will finally be moving out of here around April 17th. I think for now the plan is that I will stay with my father while hopefully already having a remote job. I would be able to save more since I won't be paying outrageous rent and Texas doesn't have a state income tax. I will do that for a while then move outside the country to save even more. Originally I didn't want to leave this job until I paid off a certain debt but I should be able to do it regardless. I just realized I am not going to stay in this environment anymore. My mother currently is staying somewhere else but she needs to come back to this apartment every once in a while and even that is too much at this point and I won't tolerate it anymore. I think its OGSF doing its job and wanting to motivate me to remove myself from stressful and bad situations I don't need to be in. I think I will be even less stressed out when I can leave the country totally. As of now Latin America or the Philippines are still my options. I will just live there while working and finishing my studies. I still have a masters degree to complete after this.

[Shannon]

I enjoy seeing your progress.

[DarthXedonias]

I enjoy seeing your progress.

Thanks a lot for the kind words. Thank you for the good subliminal. It was just what I needed. 

Update:

So something happened that delayed some of my plans. Its quite a big event but I think due to the sub I was able to actually handle it quite well. I should explain at first I am one of those people right now in my life who is horrible with getting back to people on the phone. Mainly because I'm working 40 hours a week from 12am in the morning to 9am in the morning and then on top of that doing my Bachelors in computer science full time. This means I'm usually quite tired sleeping a lot of the rest of the time. Usually for 7 hours (this is quite good still considering I used to sleep 10 to 12 hours when younger due to depression and other things). My father has known this for quite a long time though he tries to call frequently but on top of that I'm just not a person who is on the phone a lot. I used to do that maybe in Highschool but afterwards it seemed like a waste of time to be sitting there talking to someone for hours everyday or every other day. I know people are different and I get that, this just applies to me. I understand as well there are times when you legitimately might want to be on the phone for a while especially if its someone you haven't talked to in a long time. 

Anyway he was calling a bit more frequently last week so I eventually got back to him on Friday night I believe but he didn't answer. So I had my last night of work last night, before having 2 nights off, and checked my voice messages only to get a message that said, "I ain't going to call you anymore, bye". Now I do want to say I will take responsibility for what I could have done differently despite him knowing that I'm not good with getting back by phone, etc. I could have probably texted this and that is my fault. However given this was only over the span of a week and I had already explained all of this too him (the constant working, studying and being tired, etc) I do wonder how much was my fault and how much is him. However what was interesting was my response. Before I know for a fact I would have been totally devastated, probably go into a PTSD fit, and just increasing my own suffering through my own thoughts. Have I thought about it the last 2 hours or so? Yes, but I have noticed myself using reasoning to get through it and succeeding in when I notice myself starting to think on it too much to stop myself for a while. I just listened, realized what this means, tried calling him, and blocked him afterwards. Quite honestly there was 2 things that came to mind. If you as a parent knows what the other parent did to your son but then abandon him yourself over something so small that you already knew about and did so when he needed your help the most I am done with that relationship. Th second thing is that I know ,and I think some people who followed me from back when I started posting here on the old site, that very young me forgave people way too easily. Well I should say forgave but rug swept people's grievances against me to the point that I know for a fact I was a doormat. I would say over the last few years and especially the last year and half I have grown out of that. You burn that bridge "intentionally" and with aim to harm me then that bridge will stay destroyed. I will make a bridge with someone else then. There is no coming back for me after that. 

As a side note to point this out I think some might remember that a year ago I was really distraught over about a month with a "friend" I had that had literally burnt bridges with me. You want to know why? Because I wasn't interested in getting the type of computer setup he was trying to sell me on (despite telling him 2 times I'm not interested) so I ignored his messages to cool off for 2 days then he flew into a rage. Anyway ended up blocking him everywhere. Funny thing on discord he tried to message me in a certain discord room he was still in (had him still blocked but I could clock on the blocked message to see what it said). It was literally him trying to contact me with some sob story I think it was to get me to start talking to him again as if nothing happened. Apparently his cousin visited him and messed with the wrong type of women and got accused of "you know what" and he tried to back up his cousin that that didn't happen. She then turned around and accused him as well so that the government there got involved and he was going to flee the country. No comment on it really as that is his situation and I don't know all the details nor do I want to know. Either way I read that and someone else had responded to him in the discord. I just responded to that person asking who they were responding to, basically giving the hint I hadn't even read it and had no intention on doing so. He got the hint and left me alone. No more messages after that. So yeah, I've gotten to the point that if you burn that bridge it ain't coming back. 

Now the reason I'm going over all this is because I feel totally different than how I would normally react to something like that. I think I've made peace with the fact a few weeks ago that sometimes people are just going to leave your life and I'm ok with that fact. It just happens and people's paths diverge. That is in accordance with nature as the stoics would say so I shouldn't be upset about something that is in accordance with nature and can happen to anyone. So I've just let go of it, blocked my father, and will reach my goals without him in my life. For once in my life I feel as if despite any bad situation that might happen I have the confidence and courage to keep going. I know where I want to go. I want to make big discoveries and strides in AI. I've already rededicated myself to my studies (basically been studying everyday), plan on graduating and then doing a masters degree. I even came to the realization that eventually I will need to start my own tech company and I am fine with that if that is what is needed in order for me to reach my goal. The idea of starting my own company would have scared me to death years ago but now its not a big deal. Its just something else I need to do in order to reach my goal. Also one other way I notice the logic part of the sub is working is I'm able to use logic to get through any pain now. The thought that came into my head is "what did I really lose in the end?". I still have alternative pathways to get to where I need to be eventually besides moving to Texas and quite frankly someone who would leave me high and dry during a time when I could have used them in a bad situation is someone not worth having in your life in the end. They are doing you a favor. I believe in myself that despite who might abandon me, whether it be friend or relative, I can reach where I need to be. At this point I'm just writing this down here to go over this situation one more time then just leave it be after this post as far as thinking of it in real life. The past is dead and done with. It can't be changed, I can only make choices that affect the present and I choose to move on. 

As one last thing that is unrelated but is connected to the sub in some way. I find I don't like just getting "pleasure" or immediate pleasure. Whether that's from watching a bunch of youtube videos, playing video games for hours often, watching tv, or especially watching porn. I find now that I'm way more willing to take the way of working towards a more meaningful life which gives meaning, purpose and greater satisfaction. I find this satisfaction everytime now when I complete some of my programmer problems for my course, etc which works toward my ultimate goal. Its funny how fast things have changed for me. I realize now the reason why so many people feel empty and their lives feel meaningless is because they keep on going to reward themselves for essentially doing nothing. When your binge watching youtube for that dopamine hit to reward yourself when you could be doing something way more meaningful that will move your life forward. But of course most don't want to because the path to meaning is full of difficult times or unpleasant situations. It might require self discipline and delaying immediate gratification but some people just don't want to do that. I learned through this as well that word "difficult" doesn't even exist in the way it does for most people. Difficulty is nothing but added time needed to learn or do something. It doesn't mean impossible or unsurmountable as it seems in some people's minds. It just takes added time which requires patience. I mainly learned all this due to the sub and then being pointed in direction of Miyamoto Susashi. He became the number 1# samurai in Japan because he fully dedicated himself to his goal. He would even forgo basic pleasures in order to remain self disciplined and not to have his eyes stray from his goal. 

Overall ever since I started this sub things have changed in very meaningful and tangible ways. I am fully dedicated to keeping this going until I reach the 3rd or 4th month.

[DarthXedonias]

Just a quick update.

I'm mostly fine after that incident now. My feelings from the incident were still lingering in the background the last 2 days but I woke up this morning and it was basically gone. I find this sub really works hard on me during sleep and then when I wake up I have this feeling that something was worked out and is gone now. I woke up this morning knowing what I had to do and now I just need to move on and do it. I will keep moving forward with my goals no matter if former friends abandon me or relatives abandon me. I learned the lesson I needed to from this situation and its time to just move on. The lesson was learned so there is no need to dwell on it. I realized I was born into a family that was highly dysfunctional on both sides and that's fine. Having dysfunctional parents is not something that is uncommon in this world nor against the nature of this world. I can't change any of those things but I can change myself so that I am better and don't add to the dysfunction in this world. That I don't help add to anymore issues in this world.

Either way I will keep on moving forward with my goals. I'm really glad I ran this sub. I feel as if I have matured greatly and know how to handle situations with rationality instead of just being in my feelings and only my feelings.

[DarthXedonias]

Thought I would give a quick update.

With running this sub I have gotten more and more the feeling that I really don't want to rely too much on anyone. I was thinking about this a bit after the incident with my father (which he did try to contact me again but I'm not interested). I know when I think about it had I moved there I probably would have gotten comfortable and started going through the motions. I don't think I want to go through that. I think I need to fully be on my own. I might stay for just a little bit more to pay off a debt I have here then afterwards I might try to get either 1 good remote job or 2 smaller remote jobs so I can move outside the country where the costs are a lot cheaper and I can save more. Also wouldn't have as much issue having more time to study I think.

I'm listening to this sub a lot more frequently recently as well because I feel the desire to. I don't know but I just feel more relaxed and comfortable when I know I am about to listen to it and I feel similar while listening though I can feel it working on things. I just feel a lot less worried these days and a lot more calm. Also whatever blocks I had towards learning (I assume these are probably the same things keeping me from bettering myself through my CS program) have basically been dissolved. I realize I like computer science/ programming and I can actually do this as a career. I think part of the reason I had some fear regarding this is my background. As some might know I am part African American and part native American (to a smaller degree) but mainstream African American culture and community is very anti intellectual or trying to honestly improve yourself. I got some of this whenever I had to interact with other black people. Its like all that was important was having this dumb "hoodswag" nonsense. If you didn't fit that stereotype you were considered lame or they even have another term called "educated lame". Hell, this wasn't even just limited to other black people this would come from other people as well. Hell, I even had a white person say "I'm blacker than you" to which the other black person nearby laughed and agreed with them. I had to deal with this quite a while and I knew this whole mentality was backwards but doesn't mean it didn't affect me to a degree.

However I think running this sub has dissolved a lot of this. I think this was because I was shamed for wanting to educate and better myself. As if being educated to better your life was some "white person thing". I think this is what led to the blockage when I would run MLS. I would try to set a time to study but before then I would turn on the video game console or youtube and just waste more and more time until I was tired. It was like my mind was finding any way to avoid studying or getting my university stuff done. Its probably because I associated learning and getting educated with being shamed. I think I also associated success (like being on my way to earning six figures) with getting more attention from people which means getting ridiculed and shamed as well. This is mainly because whenever I got attention it was to be shamed and ridiculed. So it was like I was in this weird place where I wanted to make something of myself and do great things but at the same time I associated those things with fear of being shamed for wanting or achieving those things. I do think the cycle has basically been broken though. I notice now that consistently everyday almost I am getting my studies done without much effort and I am actually enjoying it.

I did realize one other thing which I think the subliminal brought to my attention and is probably why I might not want to rely as much on people. I came to the realization that my father isn't all who I wished he was. I already had these feelings when talking to him about certain things. He would have a stubbornness when talking about certain subjects and literally had weird ideas about things that made no sense to me. Like I remember when he would give me relationship advice saying only to marry a woman who has a degree and is educated (in the institutionalized sense) and the way he made it sound it was like a woman like that is less likely to divorce you. News flash for anyone reading, a woman with a degree is more likely to divorce based on the numbers (this is based on American stats). I don't know where he got this weird idea that because a woman has a degree she isn't going to divorce you most likely. Its funny I just realized it now as I typed this and I figured him out. He literally basis his opinions on nothing but what he has experienced and takes that as objective fact. I mean sometimes when you point out objective facts to him then only then will he think about it.

I realized as well after analyzing things he wasn't as alpha as I thought. Yeah he would be hard on men to a degree and "eventually" be hard on women but he kept on getting screwed over by women all the way into his 40s. He would only realized he had missed a whole bunch of red flags after the fact. There was one while he was in his early 40s where he decided to be a cosigner for a loan and she defaulted on the loan which then screwed over his credit. The major one was with my mother. I think I hadn't gone over the story in detail but short version is while my mother was married to my father she got in contact with her previous abusive boyfriend (he was the one that tried to do so again by saying he wanted to see his daugher which was a lie). She would start leaving the house to have my older half sister watch us (when she was only like 9 years old) and going to have fun with this guy. My father took my brother and me, correct decision in my opinion, and I think he had us for a period of 2 years. Problem is during that 2 years he never divorced her even though she was running around with that guy and probably some others. After the 2 years she tried to comeback with some sob story and trying to say she wants to be a family again. She "curiously" asks to have me and my brother for a while to which he stupidly agrees to which even his own lawyer asked him why he did that. Next thing you know she is cheating again with my step father while he has the kids, she turns on the water works and he forgives her and gives her the kids. Next thing you know she sends divorce papers.

After going over that story I really wonder what kind of man would forgive his wife fooling around somewhere else with some guy for 2 years and not had divorced her all that time when he had custody of us then later on gives up that custody because he wanted her back even after that. Regardless after thinking about it with a clear mind provided by this sub I really came to the conclusion that both parents are fucked up. I have made peace with that fact as I said and if I have to rely on myself then so be it. I know as long as I think with a clear mind and have the determination I will make it through this life just fine. I only went through all this in this post because I feel like I have to be totally honest about what is going on with detail so people can get a clearer picture of what is going on in my life as I write these things. Also it gives a contrast of just how much this sub is impacting my life that I can fully admit this stuff without fear so I can get my point across.

Once again I am glad I am running this. I did look at when this came out and realized that the 3rd month mark for me would be late next month and the 4th month mark would be late may. I intend to keep going with this until either one of those points as I feel like I might have cleared up most issues. I'm only approaching the 2 month mark now and feel quite good. I'm actually getting these feelings of joy and happiness at random times. Anyway, that is it for now. I will update when something else comes up.

[NOMAD]

Thought I would give a quick update.

With running this sub I have gotten more and more the feeling that I really don't want to rely too much on anyone. I was thinking about this a bit after the incident with my father (which he did try to contact me again but I'm not interested). I know when I think about it had I moved there I probably would have gotten comfortable and started going through the motions. I don't think I want to go through that. I think I need to fully be on my own. I might stay for just a little bit more to pay off a debt I have here then afterwards I might try to get either 1 good remote job or 2 smaller remote jobs so I can move outside the country where the costs are a lot cheaper and I can save more. Also wouldn't have as much issue having more time to study I think.

I'm listening to this sub a lot more frequently recently as well because I feel the desire to. I don't know but I just feel more relaxed and comfortable when I know I am about to listen to it and I feel similar while listening though I can feel it working on things. I just feel a lot less worried these days and a lot more calm. Also whatever blocks I had towards learning (I assume these are probably the same things keeping me from bettering myself through my CS program) have basically been dissolved. I realize I like computer science/ programming and I can actually do this as a career. I think part of the reason I had some fear regarding this is my background. As some might know I am part African American and part native American (to a smaller degree) but mainstream African American culture and community is very anti intellectual or trying to honestly improve yourself. I got some of this whenever I had to interact with other black people. Its like all that was important was having this dumb "hoodswag" nonsense. If you didn't fit that stereotype you were considered lame or they even have another term called "educated lame". Hell, this wasn't even just limited to other black people this would come from other people as well. Hell, I even had a white person say "I'm blacker than you" to which the other black person nearby laughed and agreed with them. I had to deal with this quite a while and I knew this whole mentality was backwards but doesn't mean it didn't affect me to a degree.

However I think running this sub has dissolved a lot of this. I think this was because I was shamed for wanting to educate and better myself. As if being educated to better your life was some "white person thing". I think this is what led to the blockage when I would run MLS. I would try to set a time to study but before then I would turn on the video game console or youtube and just waste more and more time until I was tired. It was like my mind was finding any way to avoid studying or getting my university stuff done. Its probably because I associated learning and getting educated with being shamed. I think I also associated success (like being on my way to earning six figures) with getting more attention from people which means getting ridiculed and shamed as well. This is mainly because whenever I got attention it was to be shamed and ridiculed. So it was like I was in this weird place where I wanted to make something of myself and do great things but at the same time I associated those things with fear of being shamed for wanting or achieving those things. I do think the cycle has basically been broken though. I notice now that consistently everyday almost I am getting my studies done without much effort and I am actually enjoying it.

I did realize one other thing which I think the subliminal brought to my attention and is probably why I might not want to rely as much on people. I came to the realization that my father isn't all who I wished he was. I already had these feelings when talking to him about certain things. He would have a stubbornness when talking about certain subjects and literally had weird ideas about things that made no sense to me. Like I remember when he would give me relationship advice saying only to marry a woman who has a degree and is educated (in the institutionalized sense) and the way he made it sound it was like a woman like that is less likely to divorce you. News flash for anyone reading, a woman with a degree is more likely to divorce based on the numbers (this is based on American stats). I don't know where he got this weird idea that because a woman has a degree she isn't going to divorce you most likely. Its funny I just realized it now as I typed this and I figured him out. He literally basis his opinions on nothing but what he has experienced and takes that as objective fact. I mean sometimes when you point out objective facts to him then only then will he think about it.

I realized as well after analyzing things he wasn't as alpha as I thought. Yeah he would be hard on men to a degree and "eventually" be hard on women but he kept on getting screwed over by women all the way into his 40s. He would only realized he had missed a whole bunch of red flags after the fact. There was one while he was in his early 40s where he decided to be a cosigner for a loan and she defaulted on the loan which then screwed over his credit. The major one was with my mother. I think I hadn't gone over the story in detail but short version is while my mother was married to my father she got in contact with her previous abusive boyfriend (he was the one that tried to do so again by saying he wanted to see his daugher which was a lie). She would start leaving the house to have my older half sister watch us (when she was only like 9 years old) and going to have fun with this guy. My father took my brother and me, correct decision in my opinion, and I think he had us for a period of 2 years. Problem is during that 2 years he never divorced her even though she was running around with that guy and probably some others. After the 2 years she tried to comeback with some sob story and trying to say she wants to be a family again. She "curiously" asks to have me and my brother for a while to which he stupidly agrees to which even his own lawyer asked him why he did that. Next thing you know she is cheating again with my step father while he has the kids, she turns on the water works and he forgives her and gives her the kids. Next thing you know she sends divorce papers.

After going over that story I really wonder what kind of man would forgive his wife fooling around somewhere else with some guy for 2 years and not had divorced her all that time when he had custody of us then later on gives up that custody because he wanted her back even after that. Regardless after thinking about it with a clear mind provided by this sub I really came to the conclusion that both parents are fucked up. I have made peace with that fact as I said and if I have to rely on myself then so be it. I know as long as I think with a clear mind and have the determination I will make it through this life just fine. I only went through all this in this post because I feel like I have to be totally honest about what is going on with detail so people can get a clearer picture of what is going on in my life as I write these things. Also it gives a contrast of just how much this sub is impacting my life that I can fully admit this stuff without fear so I can get my point across.

Once again I am glad I am running this. I did look at when this came out and realized that the 3rd month mark for me would be late next month and the 4th month mark would be late may. I intend to keep going with this until either one of those points as I feel like I might have cleared up most issues. I'm only approaching the 2 month mark now and feel quite good. I'm actually getting these feelings of joy and happiness at random times. Anyway, that is it for now. I will update when something else comes up.

This post touched me on multiple levels. You're rising above the false paradigms of societal influence and upbringing. Amazing progress.

Repped (and wish I could rep more)

[DarthXedonias]

This post touched me on multiple levels. You're rising above the false paradigms of societal influence and upbringing. Amazing progress.

Repped (and wish I could rep more)

Thanks for the kind words. 

For this update, don't even know where to begin. My whole psyche seems to get better and better the deeper I go though to it known to me now that there will be a end to this journey. I guess I should go over the main things I have realized. 

- I kept on prolonging this journey this whole time because I kept on assuming and believing there was always some dark corner of my mind that I would miss. Basically because of this belief that there will always be this dark corner of my psyche that I will forget or that will allude me that inadvertently allowed an "escape" or "out" for the part resisting. Basically there was this fear or belief that there will always be some place within that I didn't see or heal. This led to endless healing and clearing. This fear also led to the fear being able to regenerate. 

- Another powerful thing was that a certain aspect of stoicism became very clear to me. It is not the things outside of myself that give me the emotional response, it is me. I am in control of my emotional responses. If something happened to me in my past it is not the memory or action that is making me angry or hurt, it is me that is making myself like that. I have a choice to disconnect from certain responses. Once I truly understood this the past seemed insignificant to me. 

Now for the biggest change the resistance is basically gone at this point due to one significant revelation to me and it does put some of Shannon's previous words into perspective. The subliminal is not making me do anything. It is myself. All the subliminal is doing is persuading me to given into certain instructions. A certain part of me is responding to that and agreeing. Another part is resisting. However it finally hit me once I realized that its me that is doing this. I am literally resisting myself, I'm not resisting the subliminal. A certain part is complying and I resisting that part that is seeking more compliance. Once I realized I am simply resisting myself a mass amount of resistance fell off. Why am I resisting myself? Don't I trust those other parts of myself to know they wouldn't do this if it was really bad for me. In the end it seemed very stupid to me and I actually started to identify with the instructions. I stopped seeing other parts of myself as the enemy and decided to work in tandem. I realized for all these year while seeing that part of me as the enemy that I was wrong. I was resisting a part of me that was trying to help me. I also realized the part of me resisting is nothing but full of pain and hurt. It is motivated by that which is why it wasn't giving up the old belief systems. There was also one other way of thinking and self sabotage technique that was exposed to me as such. Mainly not being able to accept the new paradigm of thinking because of something that happened under the old paradigm of thinking. I realized this was self sabotage. Why would I partly blame or hold accountable the new way of thinking for something that happened under the old type of thinking? 

All in all a bunch of self sabotage techniques got uncovered that were keeping more change from happening. Now that they are dealt with I feel more free than ever. There has been other tangible changes as well. Mainly I have gotten rid of my youtube addiction. Haven't listened to or watched any youtube in like a week and half and the strong urges are gone. I actually accidently clicked on it a few days ago and only stayed on the homepage for like 30 seconds to read the title of the videos recommended to me and I just felt this thing of "why would I listen to this anymore?". Its nothing but drama and a lot of time people with false personas that they wear in order to luring you into watching their videos all the time. Rarely do any of those videos really add anything productive to your life. Its usually just drama and entertainment parading as "truth". So I don't have much reason to listen to it anymore. I don't even listen to it while driving for my job. I'm getting more motivated to finish my courses now. Just need to finish this current one and a few others then I will go find a job then sign up for the Masters degree in Artificial intelligence which is paying very well at the moment. 

I did despite everything apologize to my father for not getting back to him earlier and we did talk once so far. I don't know but it felt like the thing to do. I couldn't just walk away with a clean conscience if I was responsible for any part of the problem. However with that said with my new found control over myself and freedom i realize I still won't move in with him. I know what would have happened. I would have gotten comfortable and in a familiar pattern. I need to stop getting stuck in such a comfortable pattern of existence and stop relying on others. 

Anyway, that's about it for now. I actually need to head to work. Will update if more stuff happens.

[findingme]

I've enjoyed reading your posts.  They're very reflective and make me think.

In your very first post in this thread, you shared how you felt shame or guilt about being happy, and it touched me.  I'm on E5, and happiness (so far) has not been a strong influence.  When I used E2 years back, I was in my 3rd month, and suddenly I felt quite free to be happy.  It was awesome.  I thought it was Positive Thinking, Positive Attitude which had hit me.

But recently, I think I was wrong in that assessment.  Guilt has always kept me unhappy, and I've spent a lot of my life trying to assuage it.  My happiness shift on E2 seemed much more relevant to guilt removal, because not carrying that was a MAJOR change for me. 

I've not crossed that plateau with E5 yet.  I'm only 2 months in though.  Still moving through some inner hang-ups.  

Thanks for your clear writing here at IML.  It encourages me.