Transcendent Sith Lord's LTU 5.0 Journal

[Shannon]

Exactly what I was going to say. Why would you waste your time with DMSI when LTU is making such poweful, positive and profound changes in you and your life? Remember, you started LTU because you had deadlocked with DMSI. You also know that DMSI will focus you squarely on sex. What could you accomplish and become with LTU instead?

[DarthXedonias]

@DarthXedonias 

Thank you, I really like your detailed posts. Seems you and I are on a similar trajectory regarding growth and insight. This is to be expected, I guess, since we are running the same subliminal.

I am curious, though. From your posts I get the impression that you want to switch over to UMS as soon as it is developed, right? Is this solely because you perceive UMS to be better aligned with your middle/long-term goals or do you additionally believe that you have seen most of what LTU has to offer? I ask, because your posts have (at least for me) this recurring theme that you already finished your transformation and now look at life from the other side. Aren't you interested in what else could change over time? There might be things further down the LTU rabbit hole that you and I cannot even imagine yet.

Eh, I have thought about that and came to the conclusion that it has more to do with my goals. I just really want to move my life forward and I have determined in my mind that financial success is the way to do that. Specifically I see investing as my way out and I have come to the conclusion that in the long term I simply can't work a normal job. I can't stand chaffing under someone else's rules. It goes against my nature entirely. I also don't believe I have seen everything there is with this sub. Too many changes happening on a daily basis and they still haven't let up. 

@Shannon Very well noted. I admit the only reason I had thought about changing right before I went to Korea was due to wanting to have some "fun" before I started running UMS when it comes out. Granted, as I mentioned before due to LTU I'm finding the prospect of having random sex or even FWBs boring now. I'm just not a slave to my biological inclinations like I used to be so I see it as pointless to a degree. So you might be right to just keep running this until UMS comes out probably. The only reason I'm really focused on running UMS is because I already have pretty solid plans in my head of what I want and what I want to do. UMS seems to be vital to getting those things I want if everything goes according to plan. I have a feeling this might be the US in LTU that is pushing me towards this. Its like I know where I want to go and I know automatically what I need to do in order to get there. I guess I might just keep running this until UMS comes out then. I suspect I will be at the 5th or 6th month before I switch over which will probably be good for making sure the changes are permanent. 

I do have a feeling it will be as you say it is. By the time I'm finish with this (even right now actually) running all the other subs after this will be a piece of cake. I feel like since I've gotten rid of the perceived limitations on my identity and personality that it has made those things a lot more malleable.

[DarthXedonias]

Guess it is time for an update.

Things are still pretty good but I am noticing some things. First I think the "newness" of feeling this way I have been feeling is wearing off. I still have this inner strength I have developed and everything else its just that I think my body and mind are getting more used to feeling this way. So, I guess that is a sign that this way of being is getting normalized. Also, I did encounter one other things of resistance yesterday but it was the normal type or resistance. I think the sub is digging even deeper and it hit something that made my mind freak out for a bit. It didn't last long but the way in which I reacted like I was in great emotional distress was a big surprise.

I have been watching still more informational stuff and I think I have found 2 people in the past mainly who have eerily addressed the transformation I went through (more on that past tense thing in a moment). I have found that Nietzsche and Carl Jung (who was also influenced by Nietzsche). It did seem like both men also had a bunch to say about the psyche and unconscious or even collective conscious mind. There were many things I've found from both men that have been very informative but I will share 2 that have stood out so far and I'm sure I will find many more in the coming days. The first was of Nietzsche's opinion of psyche being comprised of competing or even contradictory instincts, emotions and wants. In his opinion it was the job of every man to explore his psyche and find his heroic goal as it were. A goal that could make all other instincts, emotions, and wants subordinate to it. A kind of overarching purpose that can be used to enforce order over chaos as it were.

I think some or all of this might be true. It would explain why I have a clear goal in mind and I am becoming more and more of reaching that goal with a high amount of conviction (hence my want to run UMS badly). It has gotten to a point that even relationships or women mean very much to me at the moment. I remember at a time when I was more controlled by my feelings of lust and women were the priority. Now this is not so and I am better for it I think. Now I mostly think about it in terms of how a relationship might hinder my goal.

As for what I found what Carl Jung said it was quite Erie how I found this one quote that summed up my transformation almost perfectly:

"Only one who has risked the fight with the dragon and is not overcome by it wins the hoard, the “treasure hard to attain”. He alone has a genuine claim to self-confidence, for he has faced the dark ground of his self and thereby has gained himself. This experience gives some faith and trust, the pistis in the ability of the self to sustain him, for everything that menaced him from inside he has made his own. He has acquired the right to believe that he will be able to overcome all future threats by the same means. He has arrived at an inner certainty which makes him capable of self-reliance.” (Carl Jung, The Symbolic life)

Quite frankly, this has explained my emotional state to a T. It feels like after I was finally able to face and overcome those inner demons that I heave found a great amount of self confidence and ability to be self reliant. It is because i have "won" myself and realized who I really am. He did say something else that added to my own observations: "The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed”. It feels like I have overcome this that life feels so much easier and I am not as worried about further conflicts. I am fully ready to face anymore inner conflicts that await me in my psyche and impose order on them to achieve my goals.

Either way, I thought I would share those insights. As for my use of the past tense with regards to my transformation, I am not saying there won't be further transformations its just that for this "phase" it seems like the changes have come to a halt for a bit. I think this is because there was a flood of changes that occurred after I overcame whatever major thing I did. In this case I think it was in regards to my very identity. Now it feels like after the flood gates have opened that the water is finally starting to slow down to almost non existent. I do think another thing like this might happen though, where I overcome some major thing yet again and then another flood gate opens. Also, I didn't sleep as much today so I think the changes from this transformation are pretty done for now and done using up so much energy to implement.

As for real life stuff still finishing up signing up for Korea. Just need to finish a few things then send them in, then I should get an interview over Skype. As for the girl situation eh I'm still talking to the Indonesian and I will still consider what she has said. There is still a chance things could work out based on something she has said and of something I have thought of lately but I will still think it all over. I do feel more of a connection with her once again but at the same time something has still clearly changed. It think it is a combination of my own growth over a short period of time and me not really being controlled by my sexual instincts as it were. I just can't find myself to care all that much about sex. It doesn't feel forced either like when I was doing it to resist DMSI 3.2.

Other than this I have definitely noticed random strangers trying to get my attention, talk with me, and ask me for help. Btw, before this sub that like never, ever happened. People usually avoided me. I assumed this was because of me giving off signs that I was emotionally or mentally not healthy, etc. Now every time I go out it fucking happens. I did forget to mention something else as well last time. I went to the Super Market I used to work at during my third month on AM6. The same job I quite because i actually was mistreated by the manager in charged and refused to take that behavior (that was clearly AM6's doing). I noticed some old people there, especially one guy who looked miserable working there still years later. Made me realize how far I have come and how I wasn't willing to settle for some shitty job.

I did go there again today to pick up some stuff and notice even more familiar faces still there not going anywhere in life. It was eye opening about how people just settle for stuff or being mistreated because they are too afraid to really pursue their goals in life. I did hear from one of the people, this was a while back, that the previous manager was gone (about 2 years ago I think). From the way I heard it it seemed like one of those things where she thought she could keep on doing that shit to people until it didn't work on a certain person and she got in big trouble for it. I will never get people like that. Who think they can keep on getting away with that behavior "until" someone comes along in which that behavior doesn't fly. Common sense would tell you that sooner or later that is going to happen so you shouldn't be a shitty person just because it gives you some sort of power trip.

Anyway, that's about all that I have observed so far. Will see how things keep going from here.

[DarthXedonias]

Sigh, well things are still going well though there is one thing that I find slightly annoying now.

It is funny, before when I was a slave to wanting people's approval and my own impulses I wanted people's approval, etc but they never gave it to me. Now that I don't rely on needing people's approval and only care about my own now everyone wants to constantly try to get my approval or get me to to like them. Its only annoying somewhat because now I couldn't give a damn about it and I only care mostly about internals stuff. I should clarify on that to make it clearer. Its more interesting to me to deal with establishing order on my mind and binding my mind and instincts to my will than most external stuff. Oh, don't get me wrong this whole thing "project" in the end does have some external consequences but anything outside of that I can rarely care for. Its not that I don't care for people for example its just that I have a goal and I will not be distracted from it.

As for the people needing my approval thing I did realize today something that might be causing that to happen every time I go out now. I noticed after getting home after another incident today that my facial expression has changed completely. I don't really look at myself in the mirror but I did really see my face today and noticed right away what was going on. Before my expression used to be a smiling all the time which from what I read was seen as a way to appeal non-threatening and seemed really beta. My smile seemed fake and it made people see me in a beta way and treat me accordingly. Now it is completely different. My facial expression seems to tell the world that I have this bored and unimpressed look on my face but at the same time my eyes have an intensity to them.

After seeing that I could see why if I'm looking at them with a "you don't impress me look" why someone who is needy might start acting like they need to "prove" themselves in someway. The Intensity in the eyes would explain why I have seen people look down often and not give me as much eye contact. Anyway, other than that I am just still doing what I can to grow and improve further. I would have never though self development would be one of my top 3 goals but it is. I find the exploration and battles of the psyche so entertaining and informative. I do admit after these experiences and my readings ( of Nietzsche and Carl Jung) that I had thought about possibly getting degrees (maybe even up to Ph.D) in Psychology after getting financially wealthy off of UMS.

Hmm the only thing that turns me off from things is the way modern psychology is. Lets face it most psychologist, from what I've seen, practice a lot of pop psychology or let their own ideological biases get in the way of their job. One could say this is a problem with the "social" sciences overall. Another thing is the fact that psychology is trying to hard to be a "hard" science which it can try to be to a degree but it never fully will. You are trying to take something that is immaterial (The psyche) which is immeasurable and uncountable and try to make it the opposite. Also, though it is just my experience though it seems reasonable to me the mind seems so much more than what we would think and to reduce it down just to fit some materialistic view seems just insulting.

I could be wrong but I see to many possibilities within the psyche in order to get to a point where we reduce it to some mathematical equation or such. Too many reasons why different people think differently and too many reasons why different people have their reasons for taking certain actions. Anyway, I will see about that after I am pretty much done with UMS possibly. Something tells me I will be running UMS for quite a long time when it comes out. Anyway, not much else to report. Still working on some documents for Korea though I admit I am still thinking about China possibly. Part of me wants to go for the experience though the internet "censorship" would annoying me. I have found out what people do to get around it so at least It wouldn't suck too bad on that front.

[Shannon]

Wow, you're the first person I have seen echo my sentiments on academia and psychology today trying to be a hard science to be taken seriously by other hard sciences. There seems to be a pervasive insecurity to those who practice psychology, trying to validate it with that approach.

[DarthXedonias]

Wow, you're the first person I have seen echo my sentiments on academia and psychology today trying to be a hard science to be taken seriously by other hard sciences.  There seems to be a pervasive insecurity to those who practice psychology, trying to validate it with that approach.

Yeah, I honestly think it has something to do with most of them having a belief in scienticism if you are ware of that belief system. For those that don't know: 

"Scientism is an ideology that promotes science as the only objective means by which society should determine normative and epistemological values."

I obviously have problems with this outlook for 2 reasons: (1) Science can only explain the "how" of the world. It can't help you determine what "values" you should have. Values can only be determined by the individual themselves and different individuals have different priorities as far as their values are concerned. Funny enough, "valuing" science above all is a value in of itself. (2) As Shannon has explained, and others I have read, science is a tool towards getting towards the truth but that doesn't many any statements of "truth" it has at the time are actually going to stay that way or that they are set in stone. A good example is of how years ago people were saying it was good for a pregnant women for example to have a glass of wine a day and now I believe I saw knew studies coming out say that is wrong lol. Science itself is constantly evolving and changing since things that scientist thought were true turn out to be false or partly false so revision is needed. 

Either way i don't like where things are going with this. It seems like even now lots of psychologist are trying to take things that are inherently non materialistic (consciousness, subconscious, etc) and reduce them down to fit some simplistic materialistic view. Seems quite impossible to me considering the nature of those things. With that said there is something else I did want to talk about that happened last night actually which was quite revealing. 

I had some dream where I was in a old N64 game called Snowboard Kids 2 which is the same as Mario Kart 64 but with snowboarding. I was in the game but still seeing things from a 3rd person view. I was doing good but there was some difficulty because of me constantly being in 1st place to not being in first place during the race. Eventually though my annoyance grew and I became fully conscious within the dream. I literally sort of paused the game and then through force of will caused the game to skip to the part where I just won. I can remember the thought clearly that I said, "Why put up with this difficulty I am going to win anyway". It was almost a passing idea of why do people need to make everything so difficult in their minds. 

There must have been some part of me that didn't like that I did this because right afterwards I get transported to within this haunted looking house. Automatically I have this ghost or evil spirit pop out at me. I feel only a very slight movement within myself, emotionally, to respond but it doesn't happen. I'm just bored. What point is there in this when this being can neither hurt me or cause me to fear it which I would never allow in the first place. I am clearly in my mind where I am master and everything bends to my will not me to it. I did punch if out of slight annoyance though. Thing is it and other kept on popping up one after another constantly after that. After a while my annoyance had grown so much that I didn't even bother to extend myself anymore. I just let them hit me but all the good it did they could not harm me and their hands just bounced right off me.

Shortly after this it stopped then one looking like La LLorona came to me. I automatically recognized this symbol or sequence if you could call it that. She came to me and put her hand out, palm facing up, offering me a medallion in her hand that was almost the size of her hand. Before I telling the meaning, I should say this was very familiar because I automatically got the feeling I had seen this sequence like 3 weeks ago but didn't understand it at the time. The funny thing is I hadn't really seen anything regarding the La LLorona movie till early this week. This makes me believe that the part of the subconscious I was communicating with, if not the whole collective, was the part of the subconscious that doesn't perceive time at all. As to the meaning, it meant submission or that it had given up its control to me. Whether this is the collective or the part that doesn't perceive time at all this is a huge development. Either way, after that sequence played I woke up immediately with understanding of what had happened for the most part. 

I do see a good part of my own mentality played out in this. One of my frustrations is constantly people saying how hard something is. "Its hard to become rich", "its hard to become successful", "its hard to date good women", "its hard to have a good relationship" etc, etc. This is nothing but programming your mind that this is the way it has to be when it really doesn't. There are some people who had work hard for years in order to become successful and there are some people who had only a good idea and seemed to take off like a rocket in a short span of time. Some men have constant issues dating while others seem to get any women they want with minimal effort. To constantly say something "has" to be exactly this way or that way is limited thinking that I wish to avoid entirely. Whether something is difficult or hard is mostly dependent on the mindset you bring to the table. I have no time for people who constantly want to make things difficult when they don't have to be. 

I certainly won't accept such practices within the recesses of my own mind. It is funny, if more than anything this sub has made me freer than I ever have been but at the same time I am fiercely protective of my autonomy. I wish to be enslaved by nothing, whether it be a person, a code, an ideal, an impulse, or an emotion. My will is much stronger than it ever has been and I do not wish to have it bent to anyone least of all my own fears. The different instincts and emotions of my mind will bend to my will and not me to it. Or to be more specific to what Nietzche's alluded to, to have all of it submitted in service to a overriding goal or "goals" in my case. Of course these goals can change as I wish them to be. 

On a similar note, I have until tomorrow to decide if I am going to dump the Indonesian chick. I have 2 choices really. I could continue to stay with her and then probably have a good few years before it ends there is a possibility that it could go much farther because she has said she would use the subliminals to grow. The reason why I am not as hopefully is because there is one thing I didn't mention in my previous post which would have been a requirement by her. That requirement though would require me to give up a measure of control or "bend my will" as it were. In truth it is something I could easily fake to the point that it really wouldn't have control over me but I rather not do that either. It would be an affront to me honestly.  Or I could just dump her and then she will be heart broken and I won't necessarily feel good about it for a while but I will get over it and move on. 

Ugh, I do get these moment of clarity where I know what I need to do but the only sticking point for me still is this seeing people absolutely destroyed emotionally because of a choice a made. I know it is something I will need to totally get over because sometimes you need to make tough choices that will hurt others emotionally. Either way, I can make either choice as long as I own up to the consequences of either. I know most of the consequences of each choice and now it is just time to make one and move forward. For some reason I find some solace in that fact, of fully understanding the consequences then making that decision and accepting those consequences. Unlike before of making a choice and then lamenting the obvious consequences that I wouldn't have seen at the time. I believe it is because I don't try to deceive myself anymore and look at the choices very rationally now. 

Anyway, that is about all for now. This dream is definitely a good sign of things to come. 

[DarthXedonias]

Time for an update.

Still noticing similar things these last few days. More people trying to talk to me or people I barely know. Matter of fact I had a neighbor about 2 apartments over who at the beginning at least tried to say something to me but then for years now didn't say anything to me, and now today try to start a conversation. I honestly wasn't expecting that. I am honestly finding myself thinking about when I get to either Korea or China that I will try to spend more time doing stuff outside. Things like driving to nice places, hiking, and possibly taking some Martial arts or something. I'm finding staying in the house less and less appealing which is a welcome change.

I also decided to try out something I hadn't in a while. Before the subs on the 16 personality test I tested as an INTP. After completing AM6 I had tested more slightly INTJ. I hadn't taken the test since then. Well, out of curiosity after all these changes I decided to take the test again. The results were as follows:

54% Introverted
73% Intuitive
69% Thinking
69% Judging

(Identity rating Assertive)

Things are roughly the same though I noticed my introversion is a lot lower than it was before. Before it used to be in the 90th percentile. This change would explain why I'm starting to feel more like getting outside the house. Also, the test I took had an added competent of telling if your more assertive or turbulent. It says regarding this:

This trait underpins all others, showing how confident we are in our abilities and decisions.

On this I scored 97% Assertiveness, which is the complete opposite of last time. This result definitely give confirmation of what I have already noticed in my writing about my experience so far. The self confidence and certainty in which I talk about things though still willing to be open minded about things and be convinced. It did say that with this combination of things I would be what is called a "confidant individualist". Even though most psychologist use the big 5 personality traits, which I "might" take later, I still find taking the Briggs Myers test to be quite informative. I will of course take this information tentatively since I don't want to totally say I am "this or that" and I also don't want to limit my view of what I can become further. I say this because I know many say that you can't change your personality for example but I am not so sure about that exertion. I am more careful than ever these days of saying something is set in stone.

As for my women "troubles" trying to make this decision is annoying me quite frankly. Its a constant back and forth. Hmm on the one hand she really is a good women. She has a high amount of character and is a very moral person. She is also very mature and quite attractive. Part of me wants to stay with her for that reason and the fact that she is different in temperament than me means I feel like I can learn from her by being in a relationship with her. Heh, its funny really. I'm more thinking about all the intangible benefits of being in a relationship with her, the learning experience, and personal growth she might offer instead of things like how she will give me sex any time I want. I would have never thought I would have gotten to this point. Sex does account for something but it feels like it doesn't matter to me as much as things that more impact on the long term.

It feels like the time sex appeal matters the most is when its the only thing you have to go on and it takes everything else she has to bring to the table to keep me around. As for the other thing regarding my situation that makes me want to leave this situation is the "restrictions" that I would have to abide by if we were to make this long term. I would have certain responsibilities that were agreed to. I think the only other thing that is make any of this hard is I still have this hesitance to do something when I know it will destroy that person emotionally. Of course they will recover, we all do after things like this but doesn't make it any more easy. eh, either way I just need to make a decision today and just stick to it and deal with the consequences.

Other than all of this not much new has happened. I think my previous assessment was correct about this current wave of change being complete for now. Whatever got cleared weeks ago enabled a large amount of changes to happen. For literally the next 2-3 weeks afterwards I was getting daily revelations and understandings about myself. It was like my mind was clear and working in overdrive to make me understand things so I could get to this changed state. This experience does make me wondering if there is a collective unconscious seeing as it felt like I was downloading this information at times. I had never had my mind think in these types of ways before and come to such understandings one after another throughout the day.

It does seem though that after most of the change was complete that I just sort of reached some new normal and things just slowed down. Its like I'm at some new base level very, very far above of where I was. I have totally reshaped the way I believe and therefore the way I interact with the world has changed. In response the external results I notice are totally different from before. I don't think I've really had one bad experience being outside, etc within weeks after this all happening. Whereas before negative things happening was very common place. With all this being said, I am not saying that I've gotten all that I can out of this sub. I do think there will be other chances of something being cleared then another cascade effect of changes over a period of time. Just seem like now it has slowed down to a steady pace yet again.

Anyway, that's all to report for now really. Seems like this is my new base level and it certainly feels much better than where I was at before.

[Shannon]

Your progress with this sub has been nothing short of amazing, when you consider the long term, how you were before, how you responded to other subs, and what you have accomplished.

I wish you the best in your decisions with this woman.

[DarthXedonias]

@Shannon Thanks a lot Shannon for the good wishes concerning my decision.

Well, I have a few things to go over. I still noticed one thing still going on that I mentioned even on 4.0. Essentially I still have the issue of sort of procrastinating but as soon as I do start working on what I need to get done its like I go in this "zone" where nothing but me and what I'm working on exist. I am totally focused on it at that point until I make considerable progress or complete it. For example, for the last 2 weeks or so I've basically been taking a break playing video games, watching movies at home, or going to the theater. In the mean time I should have finished up this paperwork for going to Korea (though China has its own paperwork which is less of a hassle so its still on the table). Reason I was annoyed was because I had to get 2 reference letters (I'm writing them myself but told the people I'm referencing that I will do it for them. Didn't feel like bothering them to write it since they are quite busy right now).

I just finished writing 1 of them and it took all of probably 20-30 mins probably. I just need to finish the 2nd one then print them out, sign them, then send them to my email to then send it in a email to the recruiter. I also have to make an introduction video (not that hard) and a lesson plan which they will ask for a demonstration during my interview. The lesson plan then the demonstration will probably take a bit of work but I will be fine. I do admit though I am still thinking about China because I remembered something. About the day I had this paradigm shift happen I had this instant draw to going to China and was really considering it. I really wonder if perhaps this was a sign from my subconscious of what I should really do. I guess we shall see. Funny enough for the China one I would only have to work on a cover letter for now since I have everything else done.

Of course if I pick that route I will have to say goodbye to the current women I'm talking to since she has made it aware she would not want to live in China for any length of time. Its due to certain things going on there that "might" put her at risk to a degree. So, since I would definitely not like a long distance relationship that would be a no go. We will see what country I choose in the end. There is also the Language thing as well. In Korea I could get around with English for a while before I get to know Korean (which is the easiest Asian language to learn). On the other hand learning Mandarin would be time consuming (I refuse to use the word difficult, ugh) and I would have to start learning as soon as I'm there.

Also, the cost are different. In Korea , the rural areas specifically, I would need to buy a car once I'm there. For China you don't really need a car at all as their subway system is really good. Anyway, I just say this because there is a lot of different pros and cons between these 2 countries that makes it a hard decision to make. Funny how after I make this decision I don't really see anymore complicated decisions for a while afterwards. I just see myself running UMS when that comes out and executing the sub so I am independent financially and won't have to work unless I want to. Interesting how confidant I have become in that final outcome. Its interesting that after becoming a lot more assertive personality wise I've become very confidant in the direction my life will go. To me now its as simple as making all the decisions I need to in order to get what I want.

I also remembered something right now. I am coming close to the 4th month mark of running this sub. Obviously, if I count 4.0 that would be more like 4 months and half probably (Can't remember the exact date 4.0 came out). Another thing I should mention is porn is pretty much dead to me. Its interesting how it came about for me. At first it was like I would watch it but just not feel any interest after the fact. Like it was quite boring. I think it was all tied to my "neediness" towards women. As my neediness went down it was like I just felt no interest anymore slowly. This goes to no neediness towards women in real life as well. For example, I went on my POF profile just because I kept getting "want to meet" matches. I checked out a women who viewed my profile who was shapely and had a nice rack.

Thing is I didn't really feel anything. I just didn't feel like she interested me at all. On a similar topic I realized when I have been interested in a women (which has been extremely rare) its because I'm truly interested in her or there is something about her that I can sense in someway that interests me. I've only had that happen one time so far and that was last week. Was waiting to cross a intersection and there was this probably mid 20s Chinese women who was with her elderly parents. It caught me off guard because up to this point I hadn't really shown any interest towards any women so far as much since I started changing a lot. Don't know what it was but something about the way she looked and the "energy" surrounding her attracted me. If I had to guess it seems that my attraction has to be not in just physical terms but , funny enough, the feeling I get from the persons "aura".

It does make me think how my outlook might change once the new DMSI is out. I have the feeling I will shift more towards physical looks and a bit of personality since it will be more focused on sex. For now I assume that the bettering one's love life module is making these decisions based on actual things that will make my love life better in the long term. Even with that said though, I just find myself not caring about being in a relationship at all. My neediness for one is close to zero really. This does remind me of something I had read from other people who "labeled" themselves as INTJ. Some would often say that they also felt A-sexual at times or that they had no feeling to propagate their genes at all. I do feel as I've said before that my goals and purpose has taken center stage now and anything that takes away from that feels like a distraction.

Not saying I can't have fun or enjoy myself but it feels like I'm mostly business now (except for those few times when I procrastinate of course). Anyway, that's about all I have noticed. Changes are still holding up and I'm good with this new version of me. One last thing though I am noticing that those "phantom" pains I was getting from my PTSD did grow back in intensity to a degree. Not sure why there was a certain reversal unless the sub it dealing with burying through another level that is keeping it there. I wish I knew more of what is going on in that regards but I don't at the moment. Guess time will tell if I'm right about that.

[Shannon]

How would you say LTU5 has affected the PTSD overall?

[DarthXedonias]

How would you say LTU5 has affected the PTSD overall?

I would say it has affected it pretty well overall especially in one way. Even though there has a been an uptick in intensity lately I would say that the way I think about it has changed. I no longer think it will keep me from achieving my goals like I used to believe. I actually think even with some of this that I can still go ahead as planned. It would seem though that I have the very resistant to treatment variety. I guess the good news out of that is that if one of your subs in 6G (or even before then) is able to get rid of this it will probably have a high chance of getting rid of most cases of PTSD then. It does feel like the Magnus Engine was a very good step in the right direction though. I would assume since PTSD is mostly fear based (The part of my brain, Hippocampus, that is suppose to regulate the amygdala, suppose fear center of the brain, is degraded) that once the FRM is fully upgraded that will probably be my best shot.

[Shannon]

Good. One of the major things I am working towards is creating something that can help veterans, first responders and people who have suffered abuse heal and overcome PTSD.

[DarthXedonias]

@Shannon Glad that I can be of help in someone in that case. I don't think it will take much longer though like I said. I feel like with the ME complete the only missing part of the puzzle is the completed FRM since fear is the main cause of my condition.

As for my situation right now still a hard choice between Korea and China right now despite something new coming up. Found out that since China requires my documents to be prepared a different way I would need to spend an additional 200 USD or so to have them prepared that way. Thing is even with that start up cost would still be cheaper than Korea due to in Korea I would have to spend about 1000 USD to buy a car to get around along with associated fees for registering it (a fee and 15% of the cars total cost which seems ridiculous to me). In China I wouldn't have to do this since their public transportation is so good that you don't even need a car anyway and if I get a job with accommodation provided the school is usually within walking distance.

I will still see which I choose but I do admit that China is looking better at this point despite the internet censorship and initial language barrier. Now with that out of the way I did notice something 2 days ago that was interesting at least for me. Even though I was watching a Korean movie this could apply to most movies I keep seeing all the time. Its like I can instantly see the indoctrination in certain media even more than I did before and it doesn't just make me slightly uncomfortable now. It literally makes me disgusted in ways. I see it now and fully understand now why I was so needy and beta in the past. Its like males growing up are constantly fed this stuff in media that makes it seem like these traits are some kind of virtue when they aren't.

I won't name the movie in Particular but I will go over the main points. Movie is basically one of those epidemic type movies where there is some contagious disease that kills people within 36 hours and so they need to lock down the city pretty much. What I want to draw attention to is one of the main characters who is male. Dude keeps on chasing this one chick (who's life he saved at the beginning of the movie) and she just keeps on acting like a bitch to him. Despite this he keeps on trying to act nice and do helpful things for her and her young daughter. That was already irritating me but the last straw came at about half way through the film.

The mother, a doctor, realizes as they are getting sorted, which determines whether they go to the infect camp or non-infected camp, into a quarantine that her daughter has the disease which is contagious. There is a distraction when its her turn somewhat so she sort of tells her daughter to sneak ahead so that they are broken apart. Therefore she threatens the entire camp that isn't infected with infection smh. But wait, there's more. Turns out after getting her blood tested she is infected as well so they come looking for her in the camp. They had just walked out of their tent (The mother, daughter, and male) and gotten a few feet away when they realize they were looking for them. They stop them and ask for a specific person by case number. The guy, who is not infected then proceeds to do the most needy and idiotic thing.

He takes her place at the infected camp risking himself getting infected and therefore letting those 2 stay in the safe camp and risking getting all those people infected and dying smh. I turned it off at that point because the neediness and idiocy was just too much. Despite all this this movie does still have a 4 star rating out of 5. All I've learned from this movie so far is:

- Even if I get rejected as a male over and over by a women who acts like a complete bitch I'm suppose to just keep degrading myself by continuous trying to help her and be nice to her.
- my life means absolutely nothing compared to a women's and so I should be willing to sacrifice it at a moments notice.
- I should be willing to put other's people's very lives in danger because I love a women.
- If I show her how much I love her she will just magically start to realize my value and start treating me better.

Ugh, its after seeing stuff like this I realize even more why men have such a masculinity crisis at the moment. Messages like this are constantly being pumped into their mind and these traits are seen as some kind of positive. Now that I think about it though more often than not it seems like in most stories I see when the person is motivated by his actual goals, dreams, ambition he seems to be portrayed as the villain most of the time. Apparently, Heroes are only seem to be motivated by doing stuff for women or constantly being self sacrificial to the point of absurdity. As if your just a robot who's life doesn't matter at all. Your only purpose is to sacrifice your life for others constantly.

With my new outlook I do have problems with this view. It was a view I already left behind because I realized my life "does" matter and I'm not simply here to sacrifice every part of my life for another, to be some slave to the collective. My life does have meaning and purpose outside of some groups wants and needs. It seems to be a recurring message to certain men today that their lives don't mean anything and therefore they should sacrifice them on a moments notice because of that or if not that just sacrifice their time and energy. Anyway, I thought I would talk about that since it did bother me quite a bit. Seems like these type of messages are everywhere and its no wonder some of us turn out like that.

[DarthXedonias]

Quick update.

Even with the uptick in intensity of PTSD symptoms everything else is just find. Seems like the rest of the results seem to be permanent as it were. I seem to just no give a crap about what people think as I have said or about women in especially. I did notice something today that should have been obvious during this whole time. When out and about its like I don't even notice people at all. Its like I'm so concentrated on what I need to do or my own thoughts that I don't even notice people when I'm out and about. It seems like for me to notice someone women i'm out and about they either have to be related to what I'm trying to accomplished at that time or there has to be something interesting and very intriguing about them. I could use that women I found myself attracted to like 2 weeks ago as an example. For whatever reason there was something about her that caught my eye that set her apart from everyone else whereas usually I don't even bother paying attention with women these days.

Matter of fact I remember when I was walking the other day and I tried to think of something sexual and it was like my mind automatically turned away from thinking about that and I just said "I have better things to concentrate on". It just seems like concern with caring what others think, especially women is non-existent. I really have no doubt that once the new DMSI comes out that I will have cleared out most things keeping it from working. The US seems to be in full swing as well in this sub. I have no doubts that I will reach my financial goals withing the next few years, highly likely within the first year actually. Only thing is I do feel that I will need to get some new hobbies to keep myself busy as well.

I say this since being financially wealthy is only my first goal and I do have a second goal but that won't probably come to fruition till like probably 5 years from now. Between reaching my financial goal and my secondary goal I see myself being pretty bored. So, probably best to have several things I could be doing between then. I guess I could focus more on a relationship then even more to keep myself busy along with reaching higher financial goals in the mean time. As for anything else to report not much. Seems to be the same old same old. Changes seem to remain consistent and I'm not surprised given that I'm approaching the 120 day mark of running this sub. I had read that new studies show that now it takes 66 days in order to form a habit and at this point I'm at close to double that. So I would expect the results I've gained so far to be permanent due to that fact.

As for my other plans I really can't wait to leave this country. I feel like I will just like it much better somewhere else though at this point It doesn't even matter as much where I'm at since I'm more ground in my identity now. I can be anyway where and still be grounded, and peaceful at this point. Now with that said still doesn't mean if I have a choice of being somewhere better I won't take it obviously. I do admit despite everything some part of my Intuition keeps telling me go to China instead of Korea. It bothers me more than now since I accept both the logical and emotional side of myself. So, I am more trusting of my intuitions now than I used to be. Though, I do wonder if it has to be "now" or maybe eventually make my way to China after I get my debts taken care of. I guess time will tell.