Transcendent Sith Lord's LTU 5.0 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Quick update:

On my first day off. Can't even remember what number cycle this is though. Still going by days really like with 5G. Anyway, ended up taking one of the tests (Managerial accounting) that was giving me the most worry to a degree yesterday morning. I won't lie, I was really sweating during that whole test and it took me almost the full 3 hours to pass that test. Luckily, when I looked at the results I didn't fail a single section of that test thankfully. I am definitely noticing that the LM part of this sub is kicking in. I haven't failed a single test since I've been on this sub and I've noticed certain times during test I will luckily remember something suddenly for a question.

Right now, I'm going to try to get 3 more courses over this weekend. If I do that then by earlier this coming week I will only have 4 courses left. That will mean I will be so much closer to getting to Korea and then visiting Indonesia in June. As for the women I'm talking to I did get to speak to her yesterday. I was actually quite happy to talk to her and she said she missed talking to me so much. I just said I know. Will talk to her again soon since today is her day off.

Other than that I'm just noticing that I'm just not as concerned with women all that much. I just want to accomplish my goals in life and doing something that gives it meaning and purpose. I'm not as obsessed with the idea of chasing women as I once was. Hence, probably my disinterest with running any new version of DMSI. I will of course still do so eventually but definitely running things like UMS are more of a priority for me. Matter of fact since I have only a certain amount of "slots" open for more women after this (3 to be exact) I will actually be more picky. Since I would only want the best possible I will probably be running Manifest your perfect wife 6G when that comes out and maybe some other manifestation 6G subs. I don't know, I rather just have the best possible that I can. Granted, without DMSI I wouldn't have met my current girl. So, DMSI definitely did well in the quality department here.

As for other things going on with the sub. I feel like it is slowly raising me to an higher state. Before it was like it was just slowly getting me to a neutral stance or "Zen" state. Now, I'm noticing more and more me switching to this truly happy and blissful state at times. I think as I listen more this state will become more and more the norm for me. Its not only this state of being happy but also just having this incredible hope and confidence that everything will work itself out in the end. That I truly will meet my goals with no issue. Its almost like this belief that the universe itself will arrange itself in just the right ways for me to succeed. In some ways you could say its already doing that with me passing my courses right now without issue.

I can also confirm now due to the increase in power with hybrid format that it is indeed prompting more resistance (noticing more PTSD related symptoms spiking at times) but somehow it doesn't worry me that much. Its like slowly but surely everything is being worked through and it feels like this discomfort i'm having is just the price to pay for long term success. Either way, I'm definitely not giving up and I have noticed this is the only sub that hasn't prompted so much fear that I end up running away or stop playing the sub. Ugh, I still remember the 3.2 B side release. Now that, was literally hell for me. That was the one that prompted the "scorched earth" response. This is great compared to that.

Anyway, that is it for now. Will see you guys later.

[DarthXedonias]

Well, I've got a strange but interesting update.

I should first start off with one thing before I explain the strange experience I had. So far this sub has been way more effective on the fighting watching porn front than DMSI was. On DMSI, yes I watched porn less but it felt like it was a constantly struggle and the urge was constantly there. It didn't feel as "natural". It felt like the main cause wasn't sufficiently being dealt with but being majorly repressed. So this actually caused more resistance in response. With LTU, I was still watching it at the beginning but slowly, over time I got less and less interested in it. I got less and less fulfillment from watching it. It finally got to the point that I would pick up my tablet to start and then even when I saw a naked women I would ask myself "Why am I even doing this), have a instant lost in desire/interest, and then put down the tablet before even pressing play.

Now on to my strange experience from last night. I think I might have actually experience the multiple levels of the subconscious that Shannon has talked about before though it did focus in on mostly one level (not sure which one). I have noticed at times that I have gone into this sort of daze. I believe this daze I am referring to is a lucid level of awareness that I heard makes you go into a delta, I believe, level of consciousness. Its usually experienced for a small period right before you go to sleep. Last night was probably the one where I actually remember the most from being in that daze. It was weird, it was like my eyes were slightly open but I wasn't paying attention to anything I was seeing. I did "feel" voices. The reason I use that word is because it wasn't like normal talking. It felt like I had to "interpret" feelings that were being sent back and forth.

I did notice out of the "feelings" that there was one in particular that was being focused on. It is strange to explain and hard to remember but it seemed like there was slight images floating across my eyes in regards to what was being worked on. I know some psychologist say that if there are deep parts of the minds they some time use symbols and archetypes to recognize things. During this as well I get this feeling in my head like something is being rewired. This all goes on for a while then I close my eyes then open them fully awake and in a sort of shock. Literally saying to myself "what was that"? Then its like when I search my mind for an answer I instantly get the idea of it having to dealt with the porn issue. Like, it fully dealt  blow to the desire to watch even more. Anyway, I believe I have had times like this before but I don't remember anything and instead of waking up right away I go from that state to sleep.

Either way we will see if this porn issue has been dealt with even more in the next few days. Last night was the last day of my current cycle of this sub. As for other things while this issue has been worked on I'm still getting this instance of laziness at times with regard to my work. Looks like this part is resisting again in that for the last few days I've done nothing but consume YouTube videos all day long. Hopefully with this situation dealt with my focus will shit back to work. I have decide more than likely if I can I will try to get a teaching Job in Dubai or Saudi Arabia before South Korea. Will see how that goes. In order for that to happen I will need to take the teacher licenses test for either Oregon or Massachusetts then I will at least have a first stage license that will check that off for most employers.

I'm highly considering those places due to the higher pay check and as far as sociability or partying I really don't need that type of stuff. I mainly just want to save money and get financially independent.  Another major thing I almost forgot is that my ability to feel sympathy has increased in ways. I already told you guys how I might pursue the doctor route not only for the good pay but also for the fact that I feel like doing something that might actually help people. Well, the other day (and hope this isn't cross some rule) I had to unsubscribe from a certain channel on YouTube. The guy had put up a report on the situation in another country about an instance of genocide. Problem was this guy literally while saying he didn't support either side he tried to give that supposed government credence in its supposed reasons for committing such things. Things which had the creator actually looked up he would have realized certain academics had debunked these myths twice.

I saw the comments that were less than flattering to say the lease, basically cheering on this genocide of a group, and I'm like "have we gotten to this point where people literally call for the death of large amounts of people and think nothing of it". Don't know why but I was shocked but then kind of broke down. This is very abnormal for me. I'm usually very close about my feelings but for some reason I just felt for this people's plight. I tell this story because it is interesting that on the one hand I don't mind expressing my feelings on this sort of thing to actually really emphasize with people but then when it comes to certain instances I generally don't care what people think or care for their opinions on me. Its like I'm calibrating myself to the right degree of when I should feeling certain emotions and to what extent without going overboard.

Either way, a lot of internal changes going on that I think are for the best anyway.

[RTBoss]

Enjoying watching your progress, Darth.

The porn thing on DMSI was much more difficult to avoid, IMO, because sex is on your mind constantly. Combine that w/ a sky-high libido and pent-up sexual energy, it's too much. Sometimes I couldn't even wait for my wife to help me out, and she lives with me! Lol.

Already being off DMSI and on to USLM4 has curbed that desire for me pretty significantly.

[DarthXedonias]

Enjoying watching your progress, Darth.

The porn thing on DMSI was much more difficult to avoid, IMO, because sex is on your mind constantly.  Combine that w/ a sky-high libido and pent-up sexual energy, it's too much.  Sometimes I couldn't even wait for my wife to help me out, and she lives with me!  Lol.

Already being off DMSI and on to USLM4 has curbed that desire for me pretty significantly.

Your most likely correct in that. I talked to someone else about this and they had not watched porn in years but when they started DMSI they started watching it again because of what you alluded to. Maybe once people start executing just fine it won't be as much an issue hopefully because people will be having as much sex as they want when they want it.

[DarthXedonias]

Seem to have ran into a bit of resistance at the moment. For the last week I haven't really gotten any work accomplished. Sure, I studied for one test but haven't gotten around to actually taking it when I should. I literally only have a few classes left before this is all done with. It seems because of that that a part of me is resisting hardcore now. I had no idea until now though. Woke up very early this morning and then it came to me. The last time I was out on my own a whole bunch of stuff happened, which I've mentioned in the past, and I ended up being traumatized. I've come to the belief that this is another reason why it is fighting so hard is that it believes there is going to be a repeat of what happened. Doesn't help that my mother was one of those people who treated us badly yet with me she tried to make me as dependent on her as possible. I don't think I have to worry about that last part because I think I have outgrown that and the subtle ways she tries to control are more irritating.

I've noticed , especially on LTU, that I have grown enough that she backs off from any very direct ways of manipulating. She has now every once in a while used more subtle ways (crying about be alone, etc). I'm obviously not falling for it. Its interesting ever since I've been growing on this sub its like whenever anyone uses manipulation tactics like that it has no affect on me and I actually end up just blowing the person off. I don't know, its like I have this feeling of subtle disgust for people who do that shit now. Anyway, back on topic I've decided to come up with something else to help deal with the resistance. I've simply gone to scheduling my tests hours in advance so I have no choice but to do them. Going to do one for today then another for tomorrow, possibly 2. At this point I refuse to allow the resistance to win. I do not want to put my life on hold or be stagnate anymore.

On another note, I am noticing certain thoughts of resistance as well. What I mean by that is that recently I was sitting in front of the computer and then kind of retreated into my mind thinking about what I just talked about. Out of no where it was like I was made aware of this "whisper" in my mind saying, "We will just listen to music all day if we have to to avoid this". I snapped out of that and just realized I think I just became aware of the part resisting's intentions. I've probably only been aware of this like once and this was while on MHS. Anyway, thought that was interesting and that I should report it.

That's about all for now. Hopefully this all goes well because I really want to get everything "settled" in April so I can get moving some where else.

[Shannon]

Think ahead and obligate yourself to success.

[DarthXedonias]

Think ahead and obligate yourself to success.

Thanks. I will be keeping that in mind.

Seems the new strategy works. I took my test at the appointed time and passed it no problem. Now going to try to pass 1 or 2 tests tomorrow. If I can get 2 done tomorrow then I will have 4 courses left. After that I just need to finish up my TEFL paper for my TEFL certificate and then I can start packing up to move. Can't wait to get out of here. Despite things not working out with that Filipina girl I met while on my trip to the Philippines I don't regret my trip. I went to improve myself (dental wise) and to look for inspiration. I achieved both goals and realized I really don't want to stay here in the US and have no intention to come back. I just felt like I got treated a lot better in another country and I felt like I acted a lot more outgoing. 

Funny thing is it wasn't only me that was affected. I told several people about my trip and many now have the same plans to leave. I have one guy who has already done that and is living quite happily in a retirement city in the Philippines right now with a nice looking girlfriend. Either way, after passing this test I seem to still on the high of passing so hopefully I can keep this momentum up.

[DarthXedonias]

Been a while so thought I would update.

The resistance is fighting hard on getting these courses done. Got one paper done but keep on moving back the schedule for the test all the time. I know this is due to extreme fear. I remember waking up in the middle of the night like 2 days ago with this huge amount of terror for some reason. Also this morning I woke up with a whole bunch of fear about doing my test this morning which I then moved to 4pm today. I think I know what is going on. Like I alluded to in another post I think the part resisting knows I will succeed if I actually get to taking these tests and starting the assignments. I've noticed on every test since starting LTU I have not failed one of them and on the papers as soon as I start working on them I don't stop until I'm finished because its like I go into this zone.

This is the same tactic it did on DMSI. It knew I would execute so it just gave me a huge fear of not even wanting to go outside. I think this is all its got left really. All the part resisting can do is stop me from getting the ball rolling because if I start the first step it can't resist executing. Either way I did just get a good boost of motivation so will try to finally get this test done today and possibly get another one done today as well. It will get easier since its even more apparent to me what the tactic is now. Besides the fear I mentioned two posts ago I don't know what else could be causing this terror.

There was one other things I noticed that is big to me though it might not sound all that big. Usually since literally High school I believe I have always had my room with drapes that can totally block out the sunlight and never have them open. My room is usually literally dark except for light given from electronic devices or , rarely, having the lamp on. I noticed over the weekend that one day I literally had the drapes open letting in sun light all day and I didn't even notice that until it was close to evening. I found that really weird, I then left them open the other day though I was more conscious of it now and felt myself starting to feel like I should close them to be in complete darkness but I resisted. Ever since I've been leaving them open in my room to left lots of sunlight in and I'm not irritated by it like I used to be. Don't know what caused this change or what it means but the fact that I had been doing this for over a decade and I just up and changed it all is pretty note worthy.

Lastly I have noticed that when outside I actually appreciate the beauty of my environment more which is good. I only remember something similar when I was on E2 years ago. Either way it does still feel like the sub is still doing some changes. I did switch back to ultrasonic because I noticed a bit more results with hybrid but I also noticed a lot more resistance. Ultrasonic seems to give results at a steady pace for me without prompting too much resistance. In a few more days it would have been 2 months on this sub. So far it is showing itself to be very good and I'm not as fearful about things as I used to be. Something are obviously still being worked on but things are going pretty well for close to 2 months on this sub. Despite UMS eventually coming out I am tempted to stay on this sub for 6 months to see how much things change but I really need the wealth that UMS could give especially if it gets some kind of update in tech.

Anyway, that's about it for now. Will give another quick update again soon.

[Shannon]

Stick with LTU5 until you're in the clear. It is the foundation that allows everything else to succeed.

[DarthXedonias]

Time for a update.

Well, glad to say I finally passed my test and I got my second paper sent back. It just needs 3 sections to be revised though and it should be fine. I won't lie it has been hard the past few days and I constantly pushed it back for a bit. Some mornings I would wake up in abject fear about succeeding. Its like I am in total fear of finally completing this and then not having to struggle in life anymore. I wonder if some part of me actually believes I don't deserve to be successful. I wouldn't be surprised if that were true given all the shit I was told when I was younger. Regardless, I pushed through and just like I realized I passed even though the test itself was pretty hard to understand. I even became aware of this feeling where I would answer a question and then all of a sudden I would say "No, that's not right" then select a different answer because of this overwhelming feeling I got to choose the other answer. I think it was because of that that I passed the by a small margin.

I also feel like the resistance is related to something serious being worked on. There was a period of like 2 hours yesterday where I felt myself resisting really badly or I should say trying to resist. I felt like I was some caged animal trying to escape but there was no way for me to escape whatever I was facing (I didn't know consciously what it was that was being dealt with). That had to be the worst time being on this sub yet but I was able to get through it and I've had no thoughts of really stop listening. Sure, I have thought about it when something else I want to run comes out but it hasn't been like the "run away" reactions I've had in the past on other subs. That has actually impressed me since on other subs up to this point I have noticed times when the sub would get too close to an issue I would have this terrified reaction and stop using it.

In other news I did get some new info that actually helps me plan my future more. It shuts off some options but I'm happy about that. I prefer it when circumstance forces me to choose certain options instead of having a whole bunch of options and neither of them are wrong per say. Apparently, if I end up with that one women that I mentioned her mother doesn't want her away from the country for more than 5 years before we get back. With that end mind, "if" I end up with her, that will basically put off medical school unless I become good at speaking Bahasa and attending in Indonesia. I'm not upset about that since it just limits my options and I was starting to question if I really, really wanted to not get out of medical school until my early 40s. Anyway, with that in mind that does make 2 things very apparent to me. First I will have to run UMS sooner or later. That is very apparent to me and I need to make sure I'm financially secure before I go to stay in Indonesia. Secondly, if I want to get another degree I will definitely have to go with the Software development degree.  Whether I want to start that in September or maybe wait till later when MLS 6g is out.

What i'm thinking is that I might run UMS for 2-3 years and then when MLS 6g comes out I will start focusing on my degrees. At this point it will probably be a Bachelors in software development and a Masters in IT Management or an MBA. I've thought about it and if I do eventually run BAMM it might be more successful to get to that route if for example I develop some very popular app for Android and Iphone. So having knowledge in software development and Business will be a good set up for when I run BAMM. I just hope running UMS for 2-3 years straight will work out. On that front, I wanted to ask @Shannon despite you losing all the information on your phone concerning your FRM ideas (well, except remembering one of them) were you able to remember any of the other ideas by chance? I only ask because after the experience the last few days I kept on getting this feeling (that I've had before) that something in FRM is just missing. No so much power but something else that could just shut down resistance a bit more. Granted, I know your finding out different ways to help with that and I hope you succeed.

Either way, plan as of now is to run LTU until UMS comes out then gauge if I want to switch then or not given that I have a time frame now that I need to accomplish things. If I go on UMS sooner I will keep using that most likely until my financial goals are reached or , most likely option, MLS 6G comes out. Once that comes out I will get the rest of my degrees and then probably switch to BAMM soon afterwards. I think I will probably create some new app that will hopefully become very successful. That is the plan anyway. I do admit, this is a bit more out of character for me. Being this so concrete with my goals of the future and adapting them as new info comes that requires me to change my options. I think I have LTU to thank for this. I never really had a concrete plan for my future. They've always been very ambiguous and with no clear direction.

Anyway, that is about all for now. I'm going to keep pushing on through all this.

[Shannon]

1. There were two primary ideas that were lost as to how to advance FRM. I have recovered one of them, and it is being tested in B18. The rest will come relatively soon, I sense.

2. Don't give up LTU5 until you have done at LEAST 3 months, and in fact I strongly recommend you keep going until you have fully overcome whatever would have held you back from success in the past and are in a position to be unable for it to stop you.

[DarthXedonias]

1. There were two primary ideas that were lost as to how to advance FRM.  I have recovered one of them, and it is being tested in B18.  The rest will come relatively soon, I sense.

2. Don't give up LTU5 until you have done at LEAST 3 months, and in fact I strongly recommend you keep going until you have fully overcome whatever would have held you back from success in the past and are in a position to be unable for it to stop you.

Glad to hear that one of them is being tested. Hopefully, it will pass testing and be included. Will that mean we will be on version 4.6 of FRM then if it is included?

Ok, I hear ya then. I will at least get to 3 months then see where I am at. It might have sucked a bit but I might switch back to hybrid for a month and see what happens. Might have produced more resistance but at the same time it did produce more results.

[Shannon]

Glad to hear that one of them is being tested. Hopefully, it will pass testing and be included. Will that mean we will be on version 4.6 of FRM then if it is included?

The good news about this particular addition is that I am not testing it to see if it is worth including.  I am testing it to see how it works in a specific configuration.  I have known from the moment I had this idea that it would be included, but not specifically how to configure it.  What we are doing here is trying out a promising configuration.

You will see this idea, and it will be what makes FRM 4.6 when I get a handle on how to put it together in the most effective manner.  I think it's going to make a big difference in how effective FRM is.

[DarthXedonias]

Time for an update.

I have noticed I had a bit of reverse resistence with the whole porn thing recently. I'm thinking this is some weird way I deal with huge amounts of stress or fear when they come up. Hopefully it doesn't last. Something did just happen a while ago though. I stopped feeling guilty about past actions and actually forgave myself. It was interesting. I had just woke up and thought of a certain action I took in the past and started to feel emotional discomfort about it. All of a sudden though the discomfort just stopped and I questioned why the heck I was even feeling this in the first place. I guess that is a very noticeable sign of progress.

There is one other thing I have noticed getting very stronger over the last few weeks. I think its been my ability to think more clearly and my wisdom has certainly increased. I've noticed that I'm not as easily convinced about certain things to a degree and I stopped watching certain youtube channels as much (for example the one I mentioned a few posts back ago) because I started looking at the full range of information and found out a lot of them were peddling misinformation about certain things. I don't think I've become jaded but I have become very skeptical about people's motives now more than ever. It seems like where I'm at you have so many different groups of people trying to peddle their own narratives about the world to get people in their group or spin information the way they think will attract the most amount of people.

I don't know but with me learning so much over the last few weeks Its like I'm starting to wonder if there are even that many people who say they only want the truth and actually mean it? What I've seen way to often as I've grown intellectually is too many people claiming that and claiming that they are rational but putting their own spin on things and playing the "victim" when called out on it. It seems like no one wants to take responsibility for anything and wants to blame everyone else for anything that goes wrong in the world or in their lives. Don't know where I was going with this but it is something I have noticed and been increasingly annoyed with. Maybe the fact that this is becoming even more obvious to me now means that I'm starting to separate myself even more from that behavior.

I do find myself watching youtube videos for more educational reason as well I might add. Before I used to watch more "supposed educational" but with very entertaining personalities. I then thought why am I watching these people's stuff which I found wasn't as informative as I thought. Its almost like being one of those people who are obsessed with movie stars, except for some people Its for people who do online videos. So, I have pretty much cut watching that content out of my life. Not to mention I just realized why should I spend all my time watching these videos when I could be doing things that move my life forward and actually accomplish something? I know too many people who do nothing but stay home and watch youtube all day and then wonder they they are unhappy with their lives. Either way, I think I am growing out of that phase.

Point is I feel like my mind is less "caged" as it were and I'm thinking more independently. I'm starting to think a lot more rationally which is funny because I thought that was how I always though but now I see that was not truth. I thought rationally in some circumstances but not in many others. It seemed I was motivated by large quantities of fear like everyone else. That fear warped the way I saw information and made me see what I wanted to see.

On another note I actually got down to working yesterday and literally worked for hours straight and barely even noticed the time go buy. I think this proves further that my subconscious mainly wants to keep me from initiating anything because as soon as I do I get down to working on whatever I need to without any problems. It was quite funny realizing I had worked for hours and barely noticed any of it. Its like before hand I feel very annoyed and agitated about getting work done but when I'm actually doing it I feel peaceful and determined. Hopefully in the future even the aversion to getting work done will be gone. That seems to be the only thing parts of my subconscious can resist with. I should be done with 2 courses today then after that I only have 4 left. If I can get 2 done sometime this week then it should be quick to get the other 2 done over the weekend or early next week. With that I will be done and able to graduate. After that I should just have to finish turning in my paper for my TEFL cert and then I can search for English jobs in other countries or if I want still work here for the next 2-3 months then move on.

Anyway, that's about it for now. Will report again soon.