Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[Benjamin]

WTF... that's fucked that she said that about the text messages. That bullshit makes me fucking angry! Hope you can get over it, I can only imagine how it affected you having that crap growing up.

[DarthXedonias]

WTF... that's ***** that she said that about the text messages. That ***** makes me ***** angry! Hope you can get over it, I can only imagine how it affected you having that crap growing up.

Thanks. The good news is I kinda of reconnected with my Dad who lives in Houston, Texas at the moment. I kinda of wasn't talking to him their for a while because even though hes an Alpha, hes an needy alpha. As in he can be a little forceful, even to the point of controlling with trying to push his opinions on you but we cleared that up. Most likely I will be transferring to Houston so I can get away from here and get out of this state. I will probably be changing my Major as well from International relations with a minor in economics to Petroleum engineering with a minor in economics. I will probably still go for a MBA later on though, we shall see. There are other reasons why I will be doing this but will go into those reasons in the politics thread where it is appropriate.

There was one eye opening thing that my father revealed that really helps me understand the "why" to this situation. To understand some background information is needed. I'm the youngest of 3 children. Me and my older brother are from my Dad who lives in Texas. My older sister is from a guy that my mother met before my biological father. Then there is my Step father who died last year 2 days before my birthday. Apparently, the guy before my biological father use to "physically" beat my mother. I think this and the rape incident explains the "feminazi" attitude towards men. This also explains why my mother went with my step father. He was a submissive and weak beta male that she could easily control. He offered "safety" in her mind. My biological father though is a Needy alpha who wouldn't be pushed around and doesn't like it when you try to control him. Hes also very very opinionated and doesn't mind telling you how he sees things. I just found this interesting seeing as this makes all the pieces fit together as one might say.

On the DMSI front I noticed something that Illumi posted about. If I'm in my normal neutral/stoic mood I don't really see any results but If I'm in a very happy and IDGAF type mood I start seeing not a lot but "some" results. I was working yesterday with the chick that I use to be interested in. I made a joke referring to her and some other guy and just kept on railing on her about it throughout the day. I noticed she started to be somewhat affected during this time (more touching, etc). I noticed this most when it was almost time for me to go but I hadn't taking my last 15 min break (and neither had she) she actually offered to switch places with me helping customers so I could go take my final break, which would have meant she wouldn't have gotten her final 15 min break. She would have willing sacrificed her break time so I could have mine. I'm still not interested in her because her trying to put me in the "orbiter" position a few weeks ago but I still found this interesting. I think the reason I'm in this default "stoic" mood is because over the years I have seen people who are very emotional make very very stupid decisions. Therefore, I have associated not being calm and being emotional with making stupid, impulsive decisions. I think this is a major belief I'm going to have to work on.

Other than that, not much to report. Just waiting for 3.1 to come out. Hopefully it will be the version to finally push me over the edge. If not, I have decided once MLS 5.5G comes out I will probably use that so I can pass those engineering classes I need to pass in order to get into Petroleum engineering.

[Shannon]

I would like to point out to you that there is no such thing as a "needy alpha". That's not alpha. needy is ALWAYS beta or lower. No exceptions. Alpha is not needy because alpha provides for the self through the self.

Second, very good idea to get away from your mother if that's how she thinks, acts and treats you. You're going to have a hard time replacing that programming until you do, because she will just keep triggering it to regenerate whenever she says or does the right thing. My mother did the same thing to me, she trained me to feel guilty whenever she gave me a certain look, and in feeling guilty, I would give guilty body language, which she would of course interpret as me being guilty, and then she would act as if I was guilty. I knew when she gave me that look, I was guilty regardless of what I had done, and that triggered the guilty body language and feelings after a while.

DMSI 3.0.1-A can deal with all of those issues already, but you're going to have a LONG road ahead of you unless you get away from the cause of it in order to do your growth and transformation without having it constantly being regenerated.

[DarthXedonias]

OK, I think its been time for a update not to mention I have found out a lot of things. For transparency I did do another experiment with a research chemical that did really help dig through a lot of resistance a few days ago. Anyway, other than that I did come to realizations about whats going on and got confirmations on a few suspicions I had. This will be a long post so bare with and I would appreciate some feed back if possible. Anyway, shortly after my last post stuff went to hell and my subconscious started implementing "run away" Strategy hardcore. I've been on 2 blooming stages since last post, both of which weren't planned (though I will still take responsibility for my actions). Basically a recurring thing that would happen is that I would think about running the sub for the day and then automatically I would get distracted (by something that wouldn't be all that important in my opinion. In other words it felt like this: "well, guess I better do my loops for today,-- oh look a penny!!!".

Kinda of lame but what I noticed even more about these incidents is that after I would get distracted the thought of the run the sub would not even enter my conscious awareness, until the day is pretty much gone. I find this strange because I remember on 5G the thought of getting my hours in would be a constant thing. I have the feeling that my subconscious really does feel threaten by 3.01 and more so by 3.1 (more on that later). I'm realizing that my subconscious doesn't have the ability to stonewall so it only has 2 choices: (1) Run away or (2) if I run it long enough, actually succeed in executing the script. It seems it is choosing to "run away" so to counter this for 3.1 I think I'm going to have a set time where I play the sub no matter what.

Another thing I have noticed is that the nausea has gotten more worse and frequent with one caveat, it happens almost 90% of the time when I eat at work. For background information I work at a theater but that theater is located at a mall where obviously there are a lot of women around. What I think is happen is when I eat automatically it wants to use that energy for the aura but it resists. So I trigger the "discomfort resistance" script and this for me seems to be nausea at the moment. I've actually had to ask to get sent home earlier from work a couple of times because it has gotten pretty bad. So, I guess I'm in the don't want to execute the script so I execute the resistance part of the script.

The other thing, which I have had suspicions about for a while, is that every time I get close to breaking through towards external results my subconscious has sabotaged this by using some of the techniques in the script (Aura/manifestations) to bring about events that help reinforce the old beliefs. I got confirmation of this. That brings us to what happened yesterday. I got to work, started 30 mins early because it was a shitstorm. Two people had called off yesterday and it was really, really busy. What felt off though was that it felt like everyone wanted me to help them but when I needed help they would either (1) pretend like they didn't see it, or (2) act hostile at times. I noticed over the last couple of weeks this steadiness of people acting more and more disrespectful towards me. There is a girl (just a friend) who in particular use to always talk to me and I noticed over the last couple of weeks she has slowly withdrawn from doing that. Its like there's something i'm doing that is repelling her from even wanting to be in my presence for long. It got so bad yesterday that I was considering quitting or putting in my two weeks on Monday. I should mention at this point that since a few days ago I had started to get some pretty darn good internal results, I could still feel the old ways of thinking kinda of prowling around the edges of my consciousness kinda of just waiting for a chance to reassert themselves but they weren't the dominate thinking pattern anymore.

Anyway, with all this crap going on I started to get frustrated and angry and I stopped myself for a moment because I could feel the old beliefs trying to reassert themselves. I did eat yesterday and got the nausea again. So I got sent home early. I chatted with people on Skype for a while and then went to lay down because I felt another one of those episodes coming on. I kinda of went into a dreamlike state. It had something to do with choosing food from a vending machine, with an discount. This vending machine was weird because you had to choose from within it (It could hold several people in it). There were some girls as well but they were deciding on what to get as well and acting really valley girl dumb about it but that didn't seem to be the focus. I picked what I wanted and then it brought me up to this level that was a big room that look desert like. It had this very large cooking grill in the middle with a top to keep things smoking inside. What was particular about this BBQ grill was that it was so hot that all the rocks and stuff around it, at a certain radius, was letting off steam. I didn't put any food in it or anything. I walked around it even though i had this feeling that it wouldn't burn me. I don't know why but that grill still mesmerizes me for some reason. Its like I should know what it is but I don't. I woke up soon afterwards.

I got up and was on the computer for a little bit. Felt much better but I could still feel this war going on inside my head. I went to go lay back down and then went into another state. Now here I should mention that since that experiment a few days ago that bridge between my conscious and subconscious has gotten stronger. As in the impressions i'm getting are stronger and I will hear more of a voice response to an query I have instead of a impression in the back of my mind. Anyway, while I was laying there I don't know how it came up but while I was in this state of mind I asked, are you sabotaging me by making events happen that make me go back to the old ways of thinking. The response I got (some of it paraphrased): "yes, its for your own good. Do you remember what happened all those others times we let people in? When we let them get close. They hurts us, they betray us, they back stab us". For a while I kinda of felt weird and my thoughts went to the co-worker I used to be interested in. I noticed how there were times when, i'm guessing due to self sabotage, I would subtly reject her because I was afraid of her. I felt pretty bad for a while but then this other part of me just pushed back and said, "Your full of shit. You saying your helping us but then cause those very events to happen that hurt us in the first place. I have aspirations and goals in life but you would give that all up just so we can be "safe". I didn't get a response but I got the feeling that it was perplexed, confused, and surprised by this response.

Anyway, I think I am wising up to this game now. It seems that every time I get close a real external result breakthrough the subconscious goes: "uh oh, getting very close here to giving in. Better use something (aura/manifestation?) to bring about a event that reinforces the old beliefs". I do have to thank eternity for pointing out as well that he said he had seen this very same thing happen with people trying to stop drinking:

"Resistance to a psychic change sufficient to bring permanent sobriety manifests itself as creating chaos which the alcoholic uses as an excuse to return to drinking"

As I mentioned earlier though, it would seem my subconscious is deathly afraid of 3.1. After the above I was sitting in front of the computer and I thought about 3.1. There in the past had times where I thought about it and I would get a slight fear response. This time was very, very different. I thought about it coming out soon and I got a really big fear response. It started out pretty big and then it felt like I was getting sucked into this pit of fear. I was getting terrified for some reason. It even ran across my mind not to run it though I pushed that idea out of my head real fast. I just woke up and feel a lot better now though. So that's where I am at the moment. I start making progress then my subconscious tries to make some event to happen that regenerates the old beliefs. It feels like some kinda of ping pong match at this point.

[freerad98]

...snip...
In other words it felt like this: "well, guess I better do my loops for today,-- oh look a penny!!!".

Like subliminal ADD?

Also, maybe the sub is pushing you to eat healthier if the majority of your sustenance comes from a vending machine (maybe that was what the "dream" was about)?

[Benjamin]

Haha funny, cos I have a weird response to the thought of 3.1.

I mentioned playing video games and such more recently, but mainly there's nothing that good out so i've just been playing games that are there that I don't care about much.

Last night I was like "But what if DMSI gets me motivated, then I can't play this game coming out next week that i've really wanted to play and it would ruin that."

Fucking weird logic. And yes i'm aware of how dumb that logic is haha.

[Shannon]

OK, I think its been time for a update not to mention I have found out a lot of things. For transparency I did do another experiment with a research chemical that did really help dig through a lot of resistance a few days ago. Anyway, other than that I did come to realizations about whats going on and got confirmations on a few suspicions I had. This will be a long post so bare with and I would appreciate some feed back if possible. Anyway, shortly after my last post stuff went to hell and my subconscious started implementing "run away" Strategy hardcore. I've been on 2 blooming stages since last post, both of which weren't planned (though I will still take responsibility for my actions). Basically a recurring thing that would happen is that I would think about running the sub for the day and then automatically I would get distracted (by something that wouldn't be all that important in my opinion. In other words it felt like this: "well, guess I better do my loops for today,-- oh look a penny!!!".

Kinda of lame but what I noticed even more about these incidents is that after I would get distracted the thought of the run the sub would not even enter my conscious awareness, until the day is pretty much gone. I find this strange because I remember on 5G the thought of getting my hours in would be a constant thing. I have the feeling that my subconscious really does feel threaten by 3.01 and more so by 3.1 (more on that later). I'm realizing that my subconscious doesn't have the ability to stonewall so it only has 2 choices: (1) Run away or (2) if I run it long enough, actually succeed in executing the script. It seems it is choosing to "run away" so to counter this for 3.1 I think I'm going to have a set time where I play the sub no matter what.

Another thing I have noticed is that the nausea has gotten more worse and frequent with one caveat, it happens almost 90% of the time when I eat at work. For background information I work at a theater but that theater is located at a mall where obviously there are a lot of women around. What I think is happen is when I eat automatically it wants to use that energy for the aura but it resists. So I trigger the "discomfort resistance" script and this for me seems to be nausea at the moment. I've actually had to ask to get sent home earlier from work a couple of times because it has gotten pretty bad. So, I guess I'm in the don't want to execute the script so I execute the resistance part of the script.

The other thing, which I have had suspicions about for a while, is that every time I get close to breaking through towards external results my subconscious has sabotaged this by using some of the techniques in the script (Aura/manifestations) to bring about events that help reinforce the old beliefs. I got confirmation of this. That brings us to what happened yesterday. I got to work, started 30 mins early because it was a shitstorm. Two people had called off yesterday and it was really, really busy. What felt off though was that it felt like everyone wanted me to help them but when I needed help they would either (1) pretend like they didn't see it, or (2) act hostile at times. I noticed over the last couple of weeks this steadiness of people acting more and more disrespectful towards me. There is a girl (just a friend) who in particular use to always talk to me and I noticed over the last couple of weeks she has slowly withdrawn from doing that. Its like there's something i'm doing that is repelling her from even wanting to be in my presence for long. It got so bad yesterday that I was considering quitting or putting in my two weeks on Monday. I should mention at this point that since a few days ago I had started to get some pretty darn good internal results, I could still feel the old ways of thinking kinda of prowling around the edges of my consciousness kinda of just waiting for a chance to reassert themselves but they weren't the dominate thinking pattern anymore.

Anyway, with all this crap going on I started to get frustrated and angry and I stopped myself for a moment because I could feel the old beliefs trying to reassert themselves. I did eat yesterday and got the nausea again. So I got sent home early. I chatted with people on Skype for a while and then went to lay down because I felt another one of those episodes coming on. I kinda of went into a dreamlike state. It had something to do with choosing food from a vending machine, with an discount. This vending machine was weird because you had to choose from within it (It could hold several people in it). There were some girls as well but they were deciding on what to get as well and acting really valley girl dumb about it but that didn't seem to be the focus. I picked what I wanted and then it brought me up to this level that was a big room that look desert like. It had this very large cooking grill in the middle with a top to keep things smoking inside. What was particular about this BBQ grill was that it was so hot that all the rocks and stuff around it, at a certain radius, was letting off steam. I didn't put any food in it or anything. I walked around it even though i had this feeling that it wouldn't burn me. I don't know why but that grill still mesmerizes me for some reason. Its like I should know what it is but I don't. I woke up soon afterwards.

I got up and was on the computer for a little bit. Felt much better but I could still feel this war going on inside my head. I went to go lay back down and then went into another state. Now here I should mention that since that experiment a few days ago that bridge between my conscious and subconscious has gotten stronger. As in the impressions i'm getting are stronger and I will hear more of a voice response to an query I have instead of a impression in the back of my mind. Anyway, while I was laying there I don't know how it came up but while I was in this state of mind I asked, are you sabotaging me by making events happen that make me go back to the old ways of thinking. The response I got (some of it paraphrased): "yes, its for your own good. Do you remember what happened all those others times we let people in? When we let them get close. They hurts us, they betray us, they back stab us". For a while I kinda of felt weird and my thoughts went to the co-worker I used to be interested in. I noticed how there were times when, i'm guessing due to self sabotage, I would subtly reject her because I was afraid of her. I felt pretty bad for a while but then this other part of me just pushed back and said, "Your full of shit. You saying your helping us but then cause those very events to happen that hurt us in the first place. I have aspirations and goals in life but you would give that all up just so we can be "safe". I didn't get a response but I got the feeling that it was perplexed, confused, and surprised by this response.

Anyway, I think I am wising up to this game now. It seems that every time I get close a real external result breakthrough the subconscious goes: "uh oh, getting very close here to giving in. Better use something (aura/manifestation?) to bring about a event that reinforces the old beliefs". I do have to thank eternity for pointing out as well that he said he had seen this very same thing happen with people trying to stop drinking:

"Resistance to a psychic change sufficient to bring permanent sobriety manifests itself as creating chaos which the alcoholic uses as an excuse to return to drinking"

As I mentioned earlier though, it would seem my subconscious is deathly afraid of 3.1. After the above I was sitting in front of the computer and I thought about 3.1. There in the past had times where I thought about it and I would get a slight fear response. This time was very, very different. I thought about it coming out soon and I got a really big fear response. It started out pretty big and then it felt like I was getting sucked into this pit of fear. I was getting terrified for some reason. It even ran across my mind not to run it though I pushed that idea out of my head real fast. I just woke up and feel a lot better now though. So that's where I am at the moment. I start making progress then my subconscious tries to make some event to happen that regenerates the old beliefs. It feels like some kinda of ping pong match at this point.

This is absolute GOLD for me. Thank you SO much for having the courage to post this. No less than FOUR major and actionable gold nuggets in one post, when I usually am lucky to get one in 3+ months worth of posts.

By the way, the grill represents success, as seen by the fearful part of you. Cooking the food represents achieving the goals. Your subconscious fearful part is trying to scare you away from using the grill to cook the food, while another part is telling you that the heat is just an illusion.

[Shannon]

Haha funny, cos I have a weird response to the thought of 3.1.

I mentioned playing video games and such more recently, but mainly there's nothing that good out so i've just been playing games that are there that I don't care about much.

Last night I was like "But what if DMSI gets me motivated, then I can't play this game coming out next week that i've really wanted to play and it would ruin that."

***** weird logic. And yes i'm aware of how dumb that logic is haha.

Logic is never dumb. What you're dealing with is irrationality.

[DarthXedonias]

OK, I think its been time for a update not to mention I have found out a lot of things. For transparency I did do another experiment with a research chemical that did really help dig through a lot of resistance a few days ago. Anyway, other than that I did come to realizations about whats going on and got confirmations on a few suspicions I had. This will be a long post so bare with and I would appreciate some feed back if possible. Anyway, shortly after my last post stuff went to hell and my subconscious started implementing "run away" Strategy hardcore. I've been on 2 blooming stages since last post, both of which weren't planned (though I will still take responsibility for my actions). Basically a recurring thing that would happen is that I would think about running the sub for the day and then automatically I would get distracted (by something that wouldn't be all that important in my opinion. In other words it felt like this: "well, guess I better do my loops for today,-- oh look a penny!!!".

Kinda of lame but what I noticed even more about these incidents is that after I would get distracted the thought of the run the sub would not even enter my conscious awareness, until the day is pretty much gone. I find this strange because I remember on 5G the thought of getting my hours in would be a constant thing. I have the feeling that my subconscious really does feel threaten by 3.01 and more so by 3.1 (more on that later). I'm realizing that my subconscious doesn't have the ability to stonewall so it only has 2 choices: (1) Run away or (2) if I run it long enough, actually succeed in executing the script. It seems it is choosing to "run away" so to counter this for 3.1 I think I'm going to have a set time where I play the sub no matter what.

Another thing I have noticed is that the nausea has gotten more worse and frequent with one caveat, it happens almost 90% of the time when I eat at work. For background information I work at a theater but that theater is located at a mall where obviously there are a lot of women around. What I think is happen is when I eat automatically it wants to use that energy for the aura but it resists. So I trigger the "discomfort resistance" script and this for me seems to be nausea at the moment. I've actually had to ask to get sent home earlier from work a couple of times because it has gotten pretty bad. So, I guess I'm in the don't want to execute the script so I execute the resistance part of the script.

The other thing, which I have had suspicions about for a while, is that every time I get close to breaking through towards external results my subconscious has sabotaged this by using some of the techniques in the script (Aura/manifestations) to bring about events that help reinforce the old beliefs. I got confirmation of this. That brings us to what happened yesterday. I got to work, started 30 mins early because it was a shitstorm. Two people had called off yesterday and it was really, really busy. What felt off though was that it felt like everyone wanted me to help them but when I needed help they would either (1) pretend like they didn't see it, or (2) act hostile at times. I noticed over the last couple of weeks this steadiness of people acting more and more disrespectful towards me. There is a girl (just a friend) who in particular use to always talk to me and I noticed over the last couple of weeks she has slowly withdrawn from doing that. Its like there's something i'm doing that is repelling her from even wanting to be in my presence for long. It got so bad yesterday that I was considering quitting or putting in my two weeks on Monday. I should mention at this point that since a few days ago I had started to get some pretty darn good internal results, I could still feel the old ways of thinking kinda of prowling around the edges of my consciousness kinda of just waiting for a chance to reassert themselves but they weren't the dominate thinking pattern anymore.

Anyway, with all this crap going on I started to get frustrated and angry and I stopped myself for a moment because I could feel the old beliefs trying to reassert themselves. I did eat yesterday and got the nausea again. So I got sent home early. I chatted with people on Skype for a while and then went to lay down because I felt another one of those episodes coming on. I kinda of went into a dreamlike state. It had something to do with choosing food from a vending machine, with an discount. This vending machine was weird because you had to choose from within it (It could hold several people in it). There were some girls as well but they were deciding on what to get as well and acting really valley girl dumb about it but that didn't seem to be the focus. I picked what I wanted and then it brought me up to this level that was a big room that look desert like. It had this very large cooking grill in the middle with a top to keep things smoking inside. What was particular about this BBQ grill was that it was so hot that all the rocks and stuff around it, at a certain radius, was letting off steam. I didn't put any food in it or anything. I walked around it even though i had this feeling that it wouldn't burn me. I don't know why but that grill still mesmerizes me for some reason. Its like I should know what it is but I don't. I woke up soon afterwards.

I got up and was on the computer for a little bit. Felt much better but I could still feel this war going on inside my head. I went to go lay back down and then went into another state. Now here I should mention that since that experiment a few days ago that bridge between my conscious and subconscious has gotten stronger. As in the impressions i'm getting are stronger and I will hear more of a voice response to an query I have instead of a impression in the back of my mind. Anyway, while I was laying there I don't know how it came up but while I was in this state of mind I asked, are you sabotaging me by making events happen that make me go back to the old ways of thinking. The response I got (some of it paraphrased): "yes, its for your own good. Do you remember what happened all those others times we let people in? When we let them get close. They hurts us, they betray us, they back stab us". For a while I kinda of felt weird and my thoughts went to the co-worker I used to be interested in. I noticed how there were times when, i'm guessing due to self sabotage, I would subtly reject her because I was afraid of her. I felt pretty bad for a while but then this other part of me just pushed back and said, "Your full of shit. You saying your helping us but then cause those very events to happen that hurt us in the first place. I have aspirations and goals in life but you would give that all up just so we can be "safe". I didn't get a response but I got the feeling that it was perplexed, confused, and surprised by this response.

Anyway, I think I am wising up to this game now. It seems that every time I get close a real external result breakthrough the subconscious goes: "uh oh, getting very close here to giving in. Better use something (aura/manifestation?) to bring about a event that reinforces the old beliefs". I do have to thank eternity for pointing out as well that he said he had seen this very same thing happen with people trying to stop drinking:

"Resistance to a psychic change sufficient to bring permanent sobriety manifests itself as creating chaos which the alcoholic uses as an excuse to return to drinking"

As I mentioned earlier though, it would seem my subconscious is deathly afraid of 3.1. After the above I was sitting in front of the computer and I thought about 3.1. There in the past had times where I thought about it and I would get a slight fear response. This time was very, very different. I thought about it coming out soon and I got a really big fear response. It started out pretty big and then it felt like I was getting sucked into this pit of fear. I was getting terrified for some reason. It even ran across my mind not to run it though I pushed that idea out of my head real fast. I just woke up and feel a lot better now though. So that's where I am at the moment. I start making progress then my subconscious tries to make some event to happen that regenerates the old beliefs. It feels like some kinda of ping pong match at this point.

This is absolute GOLD for me. Thank you SO much for having the courage to post this. No less than FOUR major and actionable gold nuggets in one post, when I usually am lucky to get one in 3+ months worth of posts.

By the way, the grill represents success, as seen by the fearful part of you. Cooking the food represents achieving the goals. Your subconscious fearful part is trying to scare you away from using the grill to cook the food, while another part is telling you that the heat is just an illusion.

Glad I could help in some way. Also, about the dream that would make a lot of sense now. I didn't want to go too much into the valley girls part of the dream because it seemed really weird and stupid but with your explanation it makes sense now. Apparently they were choosing what to eat, I think there were about 3-4 of these hot girls, and for some reason they got into a almost ready pie. Basically it was this giant pie that didn't have the top crust type layer on it yet. They got into it, I think it was cherry flavored, and then from somewhere above the top part fell down on them so they were encased within the pie while giggling. The pie was on a coveyer belt type thing so they got rolled to the left and I didn't see where they went. I only say this because I believe the food I choose at the end was one of those handheld pies you would buy at a gas station or corner store. So I guess, the whole point is that the fearful part of me is keeping me from putting the pie (women) into the oven (success) because of an illusion that some part of me believes is real.

[Shannon]

It's trying to express to you that there is danger where you want to go, because it genuinely believes there is danger. You have to develop the ability to deal with shitty people in life, because hiding from everyone doesn't work. And shitty people are just a fact of life. But you attract shitty people when you are "on their wavelength" and you attract good people when you are "on their wavelength". DMSI is trying to put you on the wavelength of the people you can enjoy.

[DarthXedonias]

Well, This is probably going to be one of the most historical posts I ever make, way more important than even the first post in this journal. I have been trying to understand how I explain this all but I think I will just go at it. If I forget some critical point I will probably just make another post after this one. In order to adequately explain, I need to explain what happened like two days ago. Shortly after my last post I had some really bad resistance due to bloom effect. I just felt this murderous hatred, anger and rage. I would try to retreat into my own mind with music and other ways but I would automatically have problems. It was like my subconscious was like, "Nope, your not going to escape dealing with this". This kept on going to the point that I couldn't even be allowed to sleep. Finally it got to the point where I said, "I am a misanthrope". After I admitted that, I was allowed to go to sleep. Apparently that was the anger and rage, deep down inside that I have towards people. I automatically distrust them to a degree and expect them to hurt me (Self fulling prophecy in a way using Shannon's radio wave analogy).

ok, eventually I decided to run an experiment with MHS. The reason I decided to run MHS was for a couple of reasons:

- Repair the parts of my brain due to PTSD damage because these help regulate emotion.
- Bring my amygdala activity back down to normal. In PTSD people it becomes hyperactive, therefore it sees anything it fears as needing the "fight or flight" reponse. I feel like this is why I was having such are hard time with DMSI, it saw all fears it would bring up as "Fight or flight" (basically overacting).
- I figure as well if I could adjust my brain chemistry to optimal levels, I believed that it would be a leveled playing field with other subs. Resistance wouldn't be able to use say depression due to chemical imbalance or something as a weapon (caused by certain beliefs that is).

Anyway, I went through with this and got way more than I bargained for. Lets just say what I discovered I wouldn't have ever thought of. Basically, it turns out I had PTSD way before the military, it just became full blown in the military. I think I already explained my school situation. Yeah, apparently I developed minor PTSD after recurring incidents of emotional abuse at school. Also, my theory that originally I wasn't a INTP is correct. I was (and am. More on that in a moment) a SF. Basically, due to this going on it (or myself as a defense mechanism) caused damage to myself by disrupting my :

hippocampus: reduced hippocampal volumes lose the ability to discriminate between past and present experiences or interpret environmental contexts correctly. Their particular neural mechanisms trigger extreme stress responses when confronted with environmental situations that only remotely resemble something from their traumatic past.

ventromedial prefrontal cortex:region of the brain that is responsible for regulating emotional responses triggered by the amygdala. Specifically, this region regulates negative emotions like fear that occur when confronted with specific stimuli. PTSD patients show a marked decrease in the volume of ventromedial prefrontal cortex and the functional ability of this region. This explains why people suffering from PTSD tend to exhibit fear, anxiety, and extreme stress responses even when faced with stimuli not connected – or only remotely connected – to their experiences from the past.

hyperactive amygdala: This region of the brain helps us process emotions and is also linked to fear responses.What is interesting is that the amygdala in PTSD patients may be so hyperactive that these people exhibit fear and stress responses even when they are confronted with stimuli not associated with their trauma, such as when they are simply shown photographs of people exhibiting fear.

If this was a defense mechanism, I believe I did it to myself because I found having those SF functions were too painful at the time. Also I believe there was another ulterior motive: I wanted to "hate" the people doing this to me. I couldn't do that with my empathy turned on and sensing others feels.So I shut it all down, and the "INTP" personality essentially developed because of as a way to deal with damage to my brain. Basically, it was a personality based on a damaged me and because I threw away the SF parts of myself due to extreme fear. The only thing is this personality was based ,as you saw above, on rage, anger, hatred, and extreme fear. Also, because I couldn't really sense other people's feelings anymore it was like a one way conversation. I could feel my own pain, anger, and rage which lead to a victim mentality (since I could on sense one side, my side) and justify my rage and hatred towards others.

I could still have some valid logical processes but I wasn't getting the full range of info as it were. Well, when I did the experiment you can probably guess what happened. My brain got repaired and those SF switches got put back online. When that happened, I could sense the pain I had caused other people as well looking back at certain memories. The signs were always there I just ignored them. Basically when the originally personality came back due to the damaged being repaired, it was horrified at this "INTPs" inner world. The hatred, anger, rage and pain it has caused. It took responsibility and therefore one could say the INTP ways of thinking were kicked to the curve. I feel like a totally different person and don't associate with the previous "personality".

It feels like the wiring for this personality hasn't been used in so long it feels like I'm a SF but I haven't developed that personality past age 12. It feels like I've been asleep for 14 years while someone else has been running around in my body. Of course I realize that was still "me" but a me based on broken "hardware". Once the hardware got fixed, I got rewired to "factory settings" (of course with a MHS update as well). A few things I noticed:

Music- While driving to and from class I wasn't "feeling" a lot of the music the "other guy" had on his phone.
Car- I was wondering why I decided to get a car for utility (Honda Civic Hybrid) instead of a more flashy car.
Women- Honestly, before I couldn't stand women that were very beautiful but didn't have much going on in the brain. Now, I don't mind them as long as they are entertaining.
Time- Why I spent so much money on video games and time on watching youtube videos on political philosophy.

Now, for 2 things. First the old personality is not gone. Its old wiring patterns in my head are gone but the idea of it is not. Let me explain, when I think about it I see vividly this "void" in a far corner of my mind where the idea of that personality is kinda of frozen in stasis and is so far in some dark void that it can't influence anything. I know though that the original personality can extract non-toxic parts of information from that personality (logic, processes, information,etc) but its hesitant to do so. I feel like even accessing the memories makes me disgusted in a way but I know there is a process of slow assimilation going on with the non-toxic parts. That gets me to my second point, how do I know this? Well, if you guys remember that bridge between my conscious and subconscious and the conversations between the two? Yeah, that connection has changed. Before I was getting impressions and words sometimes, now I "know" what is going on. When I changed back to a Sensor, instead of intuition being used, I literally feel like the connection is as real as any of my external senses.

Well, that's pretty much it. Some will probably be skeptical and some not but I know what has happened. I really do want to thank Shannon for creating this sub. I would also say if you want to really help PTSD, I think the sub your thinking about that heals Mind, body and emotions for 6G is the probably the best bet you have. So you can repair the hardware (Brain issues) and software (emotions/beliefs). As of now, I admit it feels very weird. I feel like i'm back at 12 years old being a SF but barely any actual personality development beyond that. It means I am a clean slate now and that presents opportunities but also questions. I was literally asking myself this morning: "Who am I? What do I like to do in my off time? Who do I like?, etc. One step at a time I guess.

P.S. If anyone know if there's a psychology concept for this type of phenomenon I would like to hear it if possible. Thanks!

[Shannon]

How long did you use MHS 5.5G?

[Darkness]

Sounds a wee bit like schizoid w/ dissonance, but I'm not a medical practitioner of ANY kind.

Edit : DI Disorder

[DarthXedonias]

sigh, My data is probably not going to be valid because like I said I ran an experiment. I will go into detail but I usually don't on this forum, usually just use the word experiment, because I don't want it to show badly on you guys at IML or that you are condoning it in anyway. With that said, I will go into detail,and i am only going into day 2 within the next couple of hours btw.

Ingredients involved: Arctic root, 6-apb (research chemical), and Psilocybe cyanescens (Most potent strain).

Took arctic root, then waited 50 mins, then took the 6-apb, then waited 50 mins and then took the Psilocybe cyanescens. The arctic root boosts the neurotransmitters (dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin) for the next couple of hours after taking. 6-abp is a research chemical similar to MDA which mostly releases dopamine/adrenaline, with a little bit of serotonin. But one of the most important parts is the Psilocybe cyanescens. This is because:

-psilocybin Has been shown to increase growth of new brain cells (obviously, parts of my brain had shrunken due to trauma).
-psilocybin has been shown to make permanent "personality" changes that were still around over a year later.
-also a very important point, psilocybin build rapid connections in the brain and produces interconnection.

Example: (Left your brain as normal, right your brain's neural connectiveness and network while on psilocybin)



So basically what occurred: The 6apb produced dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin which drastically reduce my resistance to MHS's instructions. With MHS having full reign essentially, it used the raw material (Psilocybin) to make up the the new neural frame work in my brain according to the subs instructions. It also used some of this material to heal my damaged brain areas (hippocampus, etc) since that was on the optimization and repair list.Since, it can make permanent personality change it strived, with the instructions of the sub, at making this network permanent. So, pretty much that is what happened. Also, forgot to mention psilocybin has "fear extinction" properties. Hope I explained that all simply enough. I was able to building a Neural network for MHS instructions in a couple of hours, compared to maybe days or months essentially.