Spiral's BAMM Journal

[Spiral]

I really like how BAMM is subtley bringing me out of my comfort zone. don't get me wrong.. I sort of get creeped out when little kids stare at me but I don't see the reason. I usually say "hi" but today I got a little creeped out lol. That's alright though. Other than that My mind seems focused in the right place. This past weekend seemed difficult but now I'm back in the mode of "seeking the challenge". Maybe not actively seeking a challenge but if there is a challenge brought to my attention.. I know I must attack it and move forward and overcome it slowly but surely. I don't think it's a good idea to rush these things when overcoming your own obstacles. I'm taking my time getting to know myself better.. and slowly doing things that scare me. Last couple of years I was so crippled by my own fear it was difficult to even make small changes in burst. BAMM is allowing me to move forward at a pace I am comfortable with.

[Shannon]

Excellent!

[Spiral]

Last couple of days have been tough. Real tough. Something I thought I was mostly past was brought back up and it has to do with one thing in my present and one thing that is a build up of past events and experiences including things currently from outside of myself I know that I cannot fix personally for a little while. The only thing I can fix is my reaction to these things and how I feel. That part I am not past and is very deeply rooted within me. I speak of the "build up of past events and experiences" specifically. It is obviously fear related and it's much more frustrating this time around considering I thought I was past this. The first thing I mentioned dealing with my present is my job. Things are looking up for the job though. However, I'm becoming more focused on doing everything I can to move locations.

Today has been alright though. I had a joke to add on to one of my buddies stories today at work I had never heard of before. My first thought was this joke and i just spurted it out because it cracked me up so much. I was laughing so hard and it felt good when I made everyone else laugh. The feeling of bliss was almost orgasmic it's hard to describe. It's really good to see my sense of humor shining through with the help of this program.

[Spiral]

This past weekend had alot of fun with my friends. My good buddy was graduating and he really enjoyed the gift I got him. It meant alot to me and I know it meant alot to him.

He rented a table at a club with his architecture buddies he graduated with. I knew I was going to get to meet alot of new people especially women who were in our group and that's the mindset I went in with. I wanted to enjoy myself as much as possible and a part of me wanted others to have more fun than me, too. That feeling was amazing. I want more of that. I know I will get there but the reality is is that not everyone will have fun with others or themselves. So some interactions seemed force but I didn't spend much time with those people anyways. I was flirting with all the girls (cept maybe 2 or 3). I know how it feels now and how I need to go about developing this new habit of excellence. I was very touchy feely with the women and they loved it. I wanted to give more to them but I held myself back. I know what it is too. Still need to adjust to my new mindset and move forward in ways that favor myself and women sexually and romantically. As I continue to shed off the layers I will soon be where I want to be. I want to go out every weekend but for now I must focus on earning my freedom from the 9-5 job and continue saving money. I'm very much impatient but I finally know what it feels like to enjoy the process and it's beautiful. Life is beautiful and I want everyone to be happy. This stuff is still scary for me and it's also very frustrating to let go of everything I thought was real.

[Spiral]

I wish to express my gratitude but I don't truly know how. I am grateful but I'm not as grateful as I want to be. I feel as if there is a limit to how awesome my life is now but I know there isn't. And it feels like I will never be as thankful as I really want to be. All I can hope for is to be continuously privileged with health, happiness, success and 100% physical and mental functionality in this life.

..and I will always stay hungry

[Spiral]

Stage 4: 6/13/2013 - 7/14/2013
6/28/2013 <-- 16th day off

I begin Stage 4 tonight!

Recap of Stage 3:

Not as brutal as Stage 2 considering some small amounts of people pleasing behavior resurfaced but now at the end of stage 3 it's quite possible that all that has vanished. I am not certain. Stage 2 was more difficult than stage 3 because of alot of old beliefs deeply rooted were being challenged and beaten. Stage 3 seemed to refine those things as well as my behavior around others. Negative and notoriously impatient people that I work with make me impatient on the inside but it's remarkable that none of that shows on the outside. I'm obvsiously going through another tough transition. In Stage 3 my patience was challenged and I won.

My worst fear (phobia) is being chizzled away very slowly but on the days that it seems to not exist are very freeing and on the days that I'm fairly afraid I know that this isn't how it really is and at least I can let go some (lol @ sentance structure). I don't think I'm running but I'm having trouble confronting this phobia directly. How can I physically confront it in the real world without actually putting myself in some sort of danger? I know how but I will not do it. I'll take the other road where I must mentally deal with this challenge.

My energy levels have peaked and they have leveled out on the last week of stage 3. I've been getting good sleep and eating better since my parents came into town a month ago. I kinda let go of my healthy diet but now I'm back on it for the most part (had a pizza tonight and yesterday )

My productivity is steady and that's good with me. Having alot of doubts but that's normal. They don't bother me so much anymore. I'm sleeeeepy

[Benjamin]

Stage 2 is making me impatient with people too. And i'm feeling a positive transition the last few days.

After being in the healing/spiritual area for a while i've been told that you can release for example and have no doubts, no fears or anything and just do it effortlessly. I guess that isn't as popular as 'you will have doubts but you have to keep going anyway'.

But letting go some definately helps too

-Ben

[Spiral]

had a few rough days there. I didn't really know what was happening. I still feel off today too BUT I feel great about myself and the future. Ordering a new ballin' computer today. My laptop cannot keep up with me

[Spiral]

Stage 4 isn't fun. I'm at a loss for words at how horrible I feel right now. And it's not even that bad.

Feeling reminisce of social anxiety through out the day around women. I knew I definitly wasn't over it but this is the first time in a while I've felt the gut turning/vibrating sensations I'm far too familiar with. Now, they just don't make sense to me. That's probably why I feel horrible.

[Andrew]

You'll make it through brother. 3/4 were devastating for me, but IIRC not so for Shannon. Or maybe just one of those was tough for him.

Here, this should cheer you up:

[Spiral]

I’ve decided to write a post now that I’ve gotten past the half way point on stage 4. I’ll probably be pulling an Andrew by posting only when there’s something to post about that represents my own growth and supporting evidence for the Optimus Engine and BAMM.

I just finished watching Cowboy Bebop again, which is a Japanese anime, and the last couple of episodes were very intense. There were actually a couple of quotes said that reflects how I’m starting to see things now. These quotes are the ones you’ve seen on motivational posters and in calandars; quotes by insightful authors, scientific geniuses and the greatest leaders of our world. The one quote I heard most recently was about death. It went something along the lines of this: “Death is always by our side. When we fear death it comes at us fast like a lightning bolt. But when we welcome and befriend our own death Death begins to treat us gently.” Last year I knew I had to get in touch with reality which I had been so disconnected with for years. The simple fact is nothing lasts forever. We will all die. When I thought about it it scared me. It still does. I did not know the answer to “how can I overcome that fear?” I know how now and it’s going to be a process, but I’m genuinely starting to enjoy that process.

Andrew said this in his journal: “So much has happened in the last 30 days that it blows my mind...sometimes the less we live the faster time flies by.” That’s a very good way to look at time and Death. That’s the first thing I thought of when I heard that quote from Cowboy Bebop.

Ever since I finally met Shannon and Andrew in person everything changed. That’s Optimus Engine for you. The week before I was finishing up a show another coworker didn’t meet the deadline of. Needless to say myself and my supervisor weren’t pleased and finishing this show in one week stressed me out. It was the most stressed I had been in a long time and on top of that I was trying to figure out how to build my computer. I finished the show and I built my computer. On that same night I met Shannon and Andrew and it couldn’t have been more perfect timing wise. I’ve underestimated Optimus Engine. They are both very fun people to be around and I feel like I can learn a lot from each of them. With all of us together it really felt like one big happy family. Being around other people at your level or higher in consciousness really makes things a lot of fun.

I’m becoming more confident than I ever have been and I’ve overcome procrastination. OE has given me glimpses of my future and how I will be. It keeps me going. Something I noticed today was an out of body feeling while I was driving. I know it now since I’ve had the feeling before but this time it stuck around for about 5 minutes. Actually, it was longer than that because I felt like I was gliding across the office floor before leaving. So it’s kind of funny. Am I really alive or am I just dreaming? I really see the beauty in life and it’s incredible however I’m still at the crossroads. I haven’t LET GO of NOT wanting life to be incredible which is silly.. But it’s a beautiful thing nonetheless to be moving past all the shit that’s held me down for years. Like I said I still have a lot to learn. LOL it’s all kind of funny

What does it feel like to not be afraid anymore? I am finding out

[Spiral]

I just got back from my trip to Florida visiting Andrew and Shannon. I had a blast and knew I would. I'm sure glad to be home but I wish I was closer so I could work around them. For now I'll have to do what I can up in GA moving things forward for business and myself. This is what I need and it is as it should be. After this trip and spending time with A and S I now know that we are all going to be filthy rich. We will create legends for each of our selves in one way or another and I now know we are going to achieve everything that we need to achieve. To think this is where I'd be at this time in my life is crazy. I also wonder why "why are there so few that truly want to be magnificently good people and actually make an effort to constantly better themselves in spirit and with knowledge?"

I'm slightly depressed again. I feel slightly stuck and that's for desperatly wanting to move locations. The other thing is overcoming certain limitations that I feel will be chiseled away at a faster pace than before since I have a rejuvenated inspiration to conquer all these challenges yet I've made no significant progress with this in the last 3 months. The pain I must go through couldn't be as bad as how pissed off I was to find out when I got home that the new cologne Andrew gifted me got warm. It's quite possible it is ruined now. I don't know for sure. Needless to say that's why I'm mostly depressed lol.

I have no reason to complain. Shannon hooked me up with a bomb slow cooker and Andrew freely handed out to me some weight grips he had no use for. Time is flying and it's time to get back into the work groove of things.

[Andrew]

Warm is OK

If it's HOT then you've got problems. But remember even if a cologne get's heat or light damage it doesn't guarantee it's ruined, that's up to perception. It has only changed. But if it's just warm...it's totally fine.

Andrew

[Shannon]

I have been noticing that for the last couple months, a lot of people I know (including me) are seeing a lot of delays that force a restructuring and change of approach. I believe that this is as it should be, and needs to be, after considering my experiences and theirs.

Know that with BAMM and OE, you are in good hands. Keep going, and you will get there. It hasn't always been an easy journey for me, before or after BAMM, but the secret to success is an absolute refusal to accept anything but success, and an absolute focus on the goal. Success is nothing but the inevitable result of a refusal to fail. There have been times I had to sit don and cry good and hard since I started this business, because the pressure or challenge got so high. But here I am, making it happen, and bringing good people with me.

Frustration? No. It's motivation to try harder, and work smarter.