Elusive's BAMM Journal

[Elusive]

Background.
I am 24 years old. Been on this forum for a loooong time and this is my first journal. Mostly used AM but used both SM and WM a run each.
Currently studying the second and final year in a school that focus on a broad spectrum of health. Stuff like massage, nutrition, exercise and motivational interviewing, to name a few.

I will might edit this first post with more info concerning background & goals.

[Elusive]

Stage 1 November 1
The journey begins
BAMM are much hardhitting than WM. Turning some mind to slush.
First nights gave me some dreams concerning fear and shame(idol jury) and an idea of faceshaped gingerbreads

One week with BAMM and a cold seams to have melted my brain.
Halfway through stage 1 and brain is operational again. Had some fears concerning spontaneous, loss of teeth and/or splitting jaw.

New strange ideas spawns. Some might become lucrative.
Dreamed that I found 6000 danish dollars in front of a shop that someone had dropped and I gave them to the shopkeeper so the owner could be find them easier. Would have been nice to have kept them tho.

Resistance backlash
Stage 2 December 4
Insecurities about self-worth, confidence, love and the effect of subs.
the roller coaster continues
Stage 3 January 6
At the moment I'm really stressed out, frustrated, irritated and possibly quite angry and I am almost 'never' angry. Interesting and very uncomfortable feelings.
Moodswings
Sometimes all feels like I'm the BOSS and all sunshine, next day I might just want to bash everything to bits and set the rubble on fire. Bits, rubble and flying chairs wont help anyone.
It's almost like I can feel my mind being grinded into shape by the gears of a magnificent machine.

I have now recognized some "seek the challenge" behavior in that I find lots of skills I want to learn. And almost noting related to the work I 'have' to do in school. To bad it doesn't feel like I have the time.

I'm have trouble separating the tiredness that the sub can bring and actually being tired. In the mornings, (mostly weekends), I feel often awfully tired and the idea of more sleep are very appealing, but if I turn the sub off I have no problem getting up within 5 minutes. When the sub is playing, I can also have difficulties with focusing on my schoolwork.

Not much trigger existential/personality crisis like a "5G sub" to the knee...

Gaining new insights. Not big ones but they might snowball into a force to be reckoned with.
"I don't know."
What a convenient excuse for not taking a stand, to do nothing and hope the situation just drift away.

Too bad that I still use it, but it's a good thing to be aware about. Will try to change "I don't know." into "I have not decided".it will be a start.

Fears and worries are bubbling.
Fear of getting/not getting a job after school.
Fear of both change and stagnation.

Al in all. Ambivalence is a beach.

Hope stage 4 can provide with clarity.

[Elusive]

I'm now a week into stage 4, and so far it feels less dramatic. My workload are somewhat more manageable and I think I sleep better or maybe just more.

I have a feeling like something is holding me back, rendering me indecisive and unable to take action.
I seem to build up frustration like one of those steam-machine. I wonder how BAMM will help to direct that energy and where.

Forward and/or skyward!

[Elusive]

I don't want my performance to be lesser then average.
I don't want my performance to average
I don't want my performance to good.
I want it to be great.
...and I get nearly nothing done at all.

One week left of stage 4
Much less roller coasting now, more a constant grinding. Like cardio and running.
BAMM has been amplifying my stress somehow.

Forward and/or skyward!

[Elusive]

I had plan on writing here more often, but so far, my journaling skills are low. It's been awhile. I feel, that not much has happened, yet everything is different.

I'm currently in the middle of stage 10, and so far the journey have been the most horrible, fascinating and beautiful ever. I see dots connecting when looking backwards. "Fear" of some food are one that I noticed the most. Things I previously avoided I now devour with a mild surprise.
I have experienced high amounts of chaos and stress, I felt like I was burning out once or twice during the final term of my latest education. Recovered nicely during the summer.

These sublime subliminals are subtle. The Naturalizer are sort of annoying in it's effectiveness. It makes progress sneak up on me, and when I look back, I realize that my past choices and actions doesn't make much sense to the present me.

I used to identify myself as a gamer, but nowadays I rarely play anything. The urge to play games has been replaced by a thirst for knowledge and new skills. I now find my current reading speed somewhat limiting.

I might have focused on the wrong things, but this Optimus Engine, it doesn't feel very obvious.
Would it be more obvious with more Leverage and Momentum?

That's it for now.