Spiral's BAMM Journal

[Spiral]

Thanks for the encouragement Sean.

In regards to my previous post I read now and I know it's unlikely to carve a new path cleanly. At first there's probably going to be alot of ugly splotches in place. I need to be ok with that.

[Shannon]

It's not always easy to get started, especially on such a grand and demanding adventure as this... but... you're in for a serious ride, and if you stay the course, you're going to be moving forward at a very high rate of speed.

[Spiral]

It's getting to the point where if I want to do something I must do it (not quite tho). I am still holding myself back. I keep thinking I'm going to explode out of this cage but I'm not unless I decide to. But with this OFSG I'm heading in the right direction. Call it will power and power of choice. I must master my indecision and choose to confront fear. I see the issue... I just have to move past it now.

I'm not who I was yesterday. I can feel the otherside of this cold wall. It's warm and full of love.

[Spiral]

Not sure what stage 2 is doing. I remember Shannon telling me Seek the Challenge programming started in either stage 1 or 2. I really feel it right now since I've been awfully productive. But I can get distracted very easily. Also I do not feel like who I was when I first started... or how I was in stage 3. I'm very smiley but I'm inconsistent with it. I choose my moments selectively and I am more self conscious in this stage than I was last stage. So far this has been very interesting.

I'm also very soft spoken and slow at times.. my voice has turned.. hynotic

I guess that's what happens when you let go of outside approval and judgment.

[Spiral]

I realized...

I have problems because I think I do.

I may have discovered this some time ago. "Problems" have a negative connotation attached to it. Every experience is as we believe it is and nothing else. In my current state of awareness, I owe it to myself to be mindful of all my actions and look at ways of changing behaviors if they need to be changed and improving them for the benefit of myself and others. Now I can continue to move forward with a little bit more refined and healthy outlook on life.

I'm also trying not to mind read and assume how others are feeling. Instead I seek to understand others and I still have alot to learn. This NLP book I've been reading has been the most eye opening book I've ever read and there are so many tools available in this book that will allow me to get the most out of my subliminal usage.

Check it out http://www.amazon.com/Introducing-NLP-Ps...rogramming

[Spiral]

Stage 2

4/4/2013 - 5/9/2013
16th day ---> 4/19/2013

Stage 2 is tearing me to pieces right now

edit: added 4 days of listening due to missed time

[Spiral]

Nope. Surprisingly it hasn't been rough like ASC. When BAMM came along I felt this push towards it. So I figured it was the best next step and things havn't been too overwhelming. I feel very emotional at times but they last for short bursts.. and I feel more empowered every time. There is no such thing as "resistance" anymore. I'm glad you're enjoying my journal

Now if I can start getting more sleep...

[Spiral]

I am starting to question things now. In terms of my life and how things have unfolded in the last couple years with my subliminal usage. I have had a history of severe self sabotage. Once I get past this then there's nothing stopping me.

I am afraid to think I am sabotaging my own sleep. I damn well know for sure the last couple years were dark because of my own self sabotage. My reaction to the underlying truths that was current self was not pretty. It's gotten a little prettier but there seems to always be something going on that I must deal with.

I did say things were getting interesting a few posts back and they sure as hell are but maybe a little too uncomfortable as well. I'll have a talk with my mentor later on.. sounds like I've got some new things that I need to address.

edit: I'll leave this post up for now. I feel like I've gotten past this.

[Andrew]

I find change/restructuring beliefs much to fit the description of a new job I haven't been trained in. At first it's completely overwhelming...I react in different ways anywhere from frustration, over-doing, or even falling asleep. Eventually work becomes a well oiled machine (system) and what was once stressful is now routine.

I am starting to question things now. In terms of my life and how things have unfolded in the last couple years with my subliminal usage. I have had a history of severe self sabotage. Once I get past this then there's nothing stopping me.

I am afraid to think I am sabotaging my own sleep. I damn well know for sure the last couple years were dark because of my own self sabotage. My reaction to the underlying truths that was current self was not pretty. It's gotten a little prettier but there seems to always be something going on that I must deal with.

I did say things were getting interesting a few posts back and they sure as hell are but maybe a little too uncomfortable as well. I'll have a talk with my mentor later on.. sounds like I've got some new things that I need to address.

edit: I'll leave this post up for now. I feel like I've gotten past this.

[Spiral]

I got to sleep fast last night but woke up at 2am. Stopped listening to the subliminal since I was using headphones and couldn't get back to sleep. Calming my mind was challenging once I took the rest of the night off but I was able to doze off at least 5 or 6 times but I'd immediately wake up. I did not want this. I was frustrated... Then I let it go and cooled off. Never went back to sleep. Worst night of sleep I've ever had. My mind is not acclimating to the 5g properly. I may have an imbalance in my diet.. I may be stressed and anxious. I'm probably somewhat anxious dealing with over comin fear however my stress levels are pretty low because I'm managing it with patience like a boss. I almost decided to take A few months off completely but I don't think I will do that. I'm going to add one more day to this stage and suck it up. I really don't know what is causing my insomnia.

[IronSmooth]

I got to sleep fast last night but woke up at 2am. Stopped listening to the subliminal since I was using headphones and couldn't get back to sleep. Calming my mind was challenging once I took the rest of the night off but I was able to doze off at least 5 or 6 times but I'd immediately wake up. I did not want this. I was frustrated... Then I let it go and cooled off. Never went back to sleep. Worst night of sleep I've ever had. My mind is not acclimating to the 5g properly. I may have an imbalance in my diet.. I may be stressed and anxious. I'm probably somewhat anxious dealing with over comin fear however my stress levels are pretty low because I'm managing it with patience like a boss. I almost decided to take A few months off completely but I don't think I will do that. I'm going to add one more day to this stage and suck it up. I really don't know what is causing my insomnia.

Its your subconsious and internal beliefs trying anything and everything they can to try and stop you from erasing them, just think, this is their last hope, they are desperate and have no more cards to play. At this point they are willing try anything in their power to stop you from being successful

Taking a few months of is EXACTLY what it wants you to do.
This is a good sign, you are breaking down something big here Spiral.
Dont give in now!

[Andrew]

I disagree completely, has nothing to do with the subliminal. Figure out what's causing it.

[Benjamin]

What I learnt when I was doing AM 5.0 and I decided to maximize my listening past what I probably should of was that if I listened too much I would be drained and tired but I couldn't sleep because my mind was too active. It kind of felt like something was running around in my head but it was hard to explain. I lessened the listening time and after a few days I slept better again.

Did you increase the listening time recently?

-Ben

[Shannon]

Have you read my latest post in my own BAMM journal?