Self Esteem 5.5 Weekly Update Journal

[Simon]

I've started SE 5.5 a week ago on the 11th of January. I will write here the things that I've noticed during the week, I will give a weekly update.

Week 1:

I can notice that I'm being more honest towards people. I used to make up stories more and lie about silly stuff. I think I do that because I was afraid of conflicts, arguments, or what people would think of me.

I like to be honest now and don't hide behind little lies, this is what I notice the most. I think my self esteem is a little bit improved, just a little, pretty subtle, but good.

So far pretty enthusiastic about what next week will bring, so far I don't think there's any placebo in place and I feel pretty content with what I described above.
Will report back next week!

[THolt]

How was your interaction with people? Did you notice your social skills improving?

[Simon]

Yes I did notice some improvements in my social skills, like able to hold eye contact for longer and just expressing myself a bit better than beofre. Once again very subtle but at the same time noticeable. Interesting to see where this is going, so far I'm convinced it's not placebo. Also no form of resistance so far. Next Thursday I'm gonna post an update again.

[Trespassing]

Subtle but broad and noticeable is what im seeing too. Im at day 22 and the more I look back the more changes I'm noticing. Good luck

[Simon]

Week 2:

What I described in week 1 is still present, although I've found that there were some days were I felt like I had a considerably lower level of self-esteem, similar to the level before starting this sub. The first week I felt great for the whole week and could feel the effects. In the 2nd week I felt not so good on some days. I was pretty emotional and felt low self-esteem, but at the same time still was very honest to myself and people around me, not afraid to show myself.

What could be the reason for this? Resistance? The healing process of transforming negative beliefs? I made no changes in setup or hours of playing the sub.

Overall I'm very pleased with this sub. I feel much better, and yet it feels the effects are super subtle if that makes sense. I notice my social skills improved a bit and I'm more comfortable around people. Thanks Shannon for this great product.

Planning to run this sub for at least 3 months, then I can expect some permanent results, right Shannon?
Looking forward to play this sub for a long time

[Benjamin]

Planning to run this sub for at least 3 months, then I can expect some permanent results, right Shannon?

You want to listen a minimum of 3 months, but preferably to really get the results you'll want to run it longer term. Maybe a break after 3 months then starting again would be good.

[Simon]

Week 3:

Similar to last week, I can feel very good with high self-esteem on some days, and other days I'm feeling down and back to my old self. I'm trying to figure out what the reason for this is, but it seems pretty random to me. Some days I feel really good about myself, communicate better, hold eye contact easily, speak out loud. And some days I just feel shit and back to the old self, with a lack of self-esteem.

Can anybody shed some light on why you think this is the case so far? Why do I keep shifting between feeling improved self-esteem for couple of days and after that a couple of days back to the old self with lack of self-esteem?

[Raz]

Week 3:

Similar to last week, I can feel very good with high self-esteem on some days, and other days I'm feeling down and back to my old self. I'm trying to figure out what the reason for this is, but it seems pretty random to me. Some days I feel really good about myself, communicate better, hold eye contact easily, speak out loud. And some days I just feel shit and back to the old self, with a lack of self-esteem.

Can anybody shed some light on why you think this is the case so far? Why do I keep shifting between feeling improved self-esteem for couple of days and after that a couple of days back to the old self with lack of self-esteem?

That's normal. Think of a flourescent tube. You hit the switch and what happens? The light flickers a bit. On and off, on and off, on and off. Only after that inital flickering there is a steady supply of light.

The on and off probably happens because you haven't accepted the high self-esteem as status quo yet. The more you get familiar with this state, the more you'll be permanently shining with that iridescent warm light of yours.

[Simon]

Okay some interesting things are happening so I'm writing this update next to my weekly updates.
So here we go:

Past 5 days have been horrible, it started 5 days ago when I got this feeling of doom over me, like something really bad was about to happen, but there was no rational explanation for this in the outside world. I was also getting really negative, constantly complaining and being in a low mood. Even though everything in the outside world was actually going pretty good. I figured this might be the sub.

Then last weekend, I was working with a new colleague on the team and he was constantly putting me down and making jokes to make fun of me. Somehow this is a pattern throughout my life and it's probably one of the most triggering things for me. When I was a child my siblings had this same attitude towards me, making fun of me like I didn't belong or wasn't worthy enough. A lot of my (old) friends got this role towards me, putting me down and making fun of me without respect, cause they know (subconsciously) I resonate with it so much. Most of my friends now don't do that anymore so I figured I must grown over it and it's not longer a pattern, since I don't attract it so much anymore into my life.

But this guy just brought all that stuff up and made me feel absolutely worthless afterwards, I stayed inside for 3 days, being very low and feeling bad about myself. This is the first time in a long long time that I felt so emotional and worthless. I couldn't stand up for myself because I don't want to make it all serious and tell him to *** off, since my boss is sitting next to me. Somehow other people can stay relaxed and it doesn't seem to bother them much when other people are making fun of them or are putting them down. This makes the other person no longer inclined to do so, since it doesn't create much of a feedback loop. For me it's hell and It makes me feel really bad about myself. When somebody purposely puts me down, I feel this stinging feeling and overreact emotionally. This in turn causes the other person to notice this, and so a role-playing game is established. At least that's what it feels like.

So at the moment my self-esteem is through the drain, it feels like the sub has brought this stuff to my attention, because it needs attention, since it stands in the way of becoming a person with a good amount of self-esteem. This is my logical explanation of it all.


But I'm feeling lost and don't know what to do with it. Will the sub take care of this and I can just sit back and sit through this stuff until this whole emotional pattern gets transformed and healed?

Or do I need to put some of my own effort in it. Like actively working with this issue? And how would I do that? Any ideas?

[Raz]

Good insight Simon.

The most satisfying thing is when you do put in your own effort to resolve it. Because afterwards you will get a sense of accomplishment. And it will really be and feel like an accomplishment, you can bet on that.

He is triggering you, all right. So the only two options you think about now are ignoring it (while boiling on the inside) or telling him straight and wholeheartedly to shut the F up (which you want to avoid because of your boss being close). There are several paths between those two extremes.

I think the most effective reaction would be severe honesty on your side towards the guy. Tell him in a relaxed manner that his joking is putting you down (not something like 'I think your joking is XX' but directly 'Hey man, stop it, your XX is ...'), that you don't like it, that you want and deserve to be treated with respect, etc., etc.

Make it a point to do this in front of your boss, if the situation allows for it. Whatever the guy does in response - stay cool and don't get sucked into his frame. Don't let it escalate into an argument, state your case and let it be for the moment. If the guy does not get it the first time and jokes again in that manner (which he probably will) let it almost slide by you for one or two times, simply rolling your eyes and asking him something like "Really?" while ignoring him afterwards. Third time, remind him that you have talked about this issue before to him and that you like him to stop. Be polite but firm.

Repeat and vary the responses, but be always polite and firm. Play around with ignoring him. Don't retaliate. The upside of having your boss sitting close to you will be that he recognizes that you stand up for yourself, but are able to do it in a professional way. Sooner or later your boss will take your side because he has seen your struggle ... if he is a good team-leader that is. In the end you earn your bosses respect and get the guy to shut up.

Don't be triggered. Stay in control.

[Simon]

Thanks Raz,

The thing is, as long as I get really triggered by it, the problem isn't resolved.
I see him more as the messenger, (unknowingly) showing me what I need to work on.
I think that when I resolve this issue in myself, that my response will automatically be in line with something you described above and that it doesn't take effort. Cause the pattern is no longer there to be played out.

My experience is when I force myself to overcome things like this, it kind of works in the beginning, until you get in another similar situation and experience the whole thing again, since you still carry this pattern
- or emotional hurt or whatever you wanna call it - with you even though you handled it in the outside world, from the inside you're still the same.

Does the subliminal take care of this whole thing for me from the inside out? Or does it force me to take action and handle situations like this in the outside world? Cause I don't feel empowered at all to act the way you described. In the past when I forced myself through stuff, it never changed me much from the inside and didn't give me permanent self-esteem.

[Raz]

The abstract answer would be to dig for the core of this. Who was the first that triggered you that way in what kind of situation. Probably your siblings in some way. Only you know.

That is one step in dissolving this. Dig up the core by going through layer upon layer upon layer that accumulated around this first event.

Another step is facing it when you get triggered and accept it. Only then can you step away from being triggered and react calmly. Identifying the way you normally react to it and doing something radically different as reaction (even if you are afraid) helps. That's how you gradually break the feedback loop.

You cannot really classify this healing/clearing into 'the sub takes care of it on its own' vs. 'it will force me to' vs. 'i need to do it on my own'. Either one of them is right. They are intertwined. Subliminals are just spoken text. How can words force you, do something for you, etc.?

You are at a point where you can clearly look at the triggering and identify it. That is immense progress to blindly reacting. The next step will be some kind of unique reaction from you that either comes to you as an afterthought or you simply do it without consciously thinking. Is that the sub doing things on its own or you coming up with a possible solution to a problem of yours that you spend great focus on?

Those things do take time. I can totally relate to the feeling of urgency and wanting to get rid of this stuff instantly. But that is not how this works. That is why I suggested that you take a different route of reacting. The best would be to try out two or five or ten completely different approaches. Because the more different routes of reaction you take, the more your standard reactions will be relativized and the emotional bond to those specific reactions will be weakened and finally be dissolved.

At least that is what I have come to believe myself over time.

Dissolving the first big emotional block took me several months of sub use and contemplation (from time to time). Well, and the occasional over-the-top outburst

[Shannon]

But keep using SE. Dig up that garbage, throw it out, but always keep running SE.

[Simon]

How do I throw it out though?
I feel like I'm back 3 or 4 years, when I was feeling miserable and my self-esteem was very low.
During the last two years I felt increasingly better about myself. But right now I feel how I felt back then. Clearly stuff has been activated by the sub. Now that it's brought up, I obviously need to throw it out. But how to do so?

Will SE throw the garbage out for me or do I need to take any actions? Like sitting with these emotions, getting to the core of the problem etc. Trying to think differently then the garbage is telling you to think etc. Cause tbh I tried all this stuff for years but this emotional state never shifted. Maybe I need to try something else, or maybe just enjoy the ride and let SE take care of throwing the garbage out?

There's not much information about the SE script and even then I don't know if a sub can make you "throw stuff out". Your thoughts Shannon?