Sean's AM Journal

[Shannon]

I am yet uncertain when the best time to start OF is. It would seem useful from Stage 1, but with my head currently being filled with tens of thousands of words of BAMM, I'm not remembering what reasons I previously wrote that it was safe for stages 4, 5 and 6. I can calculate the answer, but that requires time and energy I don't have at the moment.

So for the time being, use what I wrote previously.

Daily exposure to each for maximum benefit should be 8-10 hours each.

[Yuri]

I already started OF some days ago, it is very hard to manage time between the two.

[Subeternal]

Its gets annoying using 2 subs at a time when it comes to balancing the usage. Since there is no defined answer at this moment in time I'll put what I've tried.

Main - 8
Add on - 4

Main - 9
Add on - 5

Main - 10
Add on - 5

IMO I dont think anyone should take too much juice from the main sub their using whether it be TLM, AM, AF, LTU and other subs with many goals or very long scripts. You'll always have time in the future to run AM again. Working on one area that infinitely makes every aspect easier to get through is an asset in itself.

[Sean]

I've been listening to Carlos Xuma's stuff lately, and one of his suggestions for approach anxiety is taking baby steps (my words).

1. Talk to and even flirt with cashiers, sales ladies, etc. They're paid to be nice to you in the store, so you're guaranteed a positive interaction, which supports the next step
   
2. Compliment strangers. Go out and compliment perfect strangers in the mall, on the street, or any other public gathering. You do it such that you walk up, pay the compliment, and you're turning to leave and waving goodbye just as she's stammering thank you.
   

I tried this last night. Unfortunately, the mall I chose was crowded with cultural stereotypes that I find very unattractive, and they don't dress well, so I only found one opportunity to pay a compliment, and that was after flirting with the salesgirl at Express Men. I wasn't attracted to her, but that wasn't the point: it was a fun interaction with another human being, and we both derived pleasure from it.

I was pleasantly surprised to find a coat that fit my needs at Express Men. Typically, their stuff is designed for the ultra-skinny guy, and I've got a Scandinavian build, so instead of a slim fit, their shirts are so tight that I look like I'm transitioning into the Incredible Hulk and about to tear through the fabric. It was an hour until closing, the checkout line was growing, and the two cashiers were harried and looked worn out. There was a complicated return, and tags were missing from some of the clothes. They called for a backup cashier, but she never materialized.

While waiting, I noticed a display of pocket squares next to the cashiers, high up on a display case. I pulled down two that caught my eye, and this was a factory store with Sale signs up everywhere, so I figured the price would be marked down from the tag.

When it was my turn, I asked about the cost of the pocket squares I had picked out, and the price was a bit high, so I put the other one back since it was right next to the cashier. "I'm so glad you're tall," she said, because the display was high enough that I had to reach up to re-hang the other square. I replied, "You would need a ladder, I think," with a smirk on my face.

She looked at her coworker and asked how tall she was. "Uh, about five foot... uhh..." she dragged out the inches, and it seemed like she was trying to make up a number. "Five foot one."

"Yeah, my height," said my cashier.

"With lifts! Are you trying to sneak a few inches on us?" I asked the other girl.

"Haha yeah, I'm five-two in heels!"

When she went to scan my coat, there was no tag inside. She excused herself to go find another, and came back with a different coat. She went to find one that matched, and I went with her, since I'd picked the rack apart trying on coats to pick the one I liked best. When we got there, it turned out mine was the last of that style, and she looked for a comparable one, and I mentioned that I thought it had a tag when I pulled it off the hanger, and I thought it was a certain price. She noticed that ALL of the coats on that rack were the same price, and so I said, "Oh, wait, I think mine was tagged at [half that price]."

She was looking at the coats, so she didn't see my expression before she replied, very seriously "Really?" She had completely bought my joke, thinking I was serious. I laughed and said, "No, I was pulling your leg. I was expecting to pay what these are marked at, so we can use that."

After I paid, she was apologizing that they didn't have any garment bags. "Oh, nevermind, then. I'm not buying these anymore, then!" She quips back, "Don't hate on us. It's not our fault." I laughed again, and said, "Nah! You look like you've had a rough day, so I'll keep them." "At least it's not raining, right?" she asked. We had a short talk about the weather lately, along with the other cashier, and mine mentioned that it was sprinkling when she came in. "At seven this morning, right?" She laughed harder this time, "No, 4 this afternoon. It's just been really busy, today."

She was making tons of eye contact and smiling and other IOI's that I don't remember. It's clear she was enjoying the conversation at least as much as I was, and I left her with, "Thanks for your help, Daniella. Have a happy New Year." and left.

I went into another store, looking for a scarf. A middle-aged woman was turning from side to side, trying to decide of the long coat she was trying on looked good enough to buy. I took this all in as I was walking into the store, and she was right up front. A perfect candidate for the Compliment Ninja. Without slowing down, breaking stride, or anything more than turning my head to address her, I said warmly, "It looks good." It took her a second to register that I was talking to her, and she was only able to thank my back.

Something in her voice told me that I'd made her week, and I had the feeling it was a long time since a non-familial man had paid her a compliment.

The best part of all of this is that everything is win-win in these interactions. I love paying compliments, and the fear that holds me back from paying them is just plain silly. I can't realistically imagine a woman being upset by a guy walking up and saying, "Excuse me for interrupting, but I just had to say that you have great looking eyes." and starting to leave before that's even registered. So why does the fear come up when I consider doing it?

I don't know the answer, and I don't even believe that the answer is important. What's important is acknowledging the fear, and paying the compliment. This is how the fear is disarmed in practice. Later, when I start using OF, I imagine this practice will go completely nonlinear as the fear is being dismissed on two levels.

After typing this out, the compliment fear is the more intriguing. Flirting has always been something I enjoyed, and has always come out in my relationships with girls. The give-and-take is fun! Compliments are less-risky: I'm in and out. There's no danger of maintaining a rapport I never built. It's irrational, which supports my signature: fear really IS a liar.

[Sean]

NYE: What a night! I had been manifesting an awesome night, and it did not disappoint.

I went to a singles' party, and there was some confusion about my name, so the hostess seated me at a different table than was originally planned. I got to meet a group of four who was attending on a lark as part of their ski club. We were getting along great, when one of them posted a group photo on Facebook. It turns out that mutual friends recognized me in the photo, so our instant rapport as a group was solidified by those credentials.

We were up until 5am at our Denny's afterparty, playing Cards Against Humanity. At the very least, I've made several new friends. I asked one woman for her number, and obviously I surprised her, because she gave me a really confusing answer and walked away for a bit. It's a huge difference from the past that I had very little internal reaction to this at all. I would hesitate to call it a reaction, because it was along the lines of "she self-disqualified" without any emotional content associated.

When we sat at Denny's, I sat down first and let everyone else sort themselves out. Later, she switched from the far end of the table to sit near me, and was laughing at my humor and touching my arm/shoulder a lot. I was too busy having fun at the time to recognize it, but there was some attraction there. At the very least, she could be a cool friend.

Shannon, thanks for contributing to the best NYE I've ever had.

[Sean]

I tried asking the girl from NYE out over facebook, and she didn't reply to my message, though I know she read it. The awesome part about this is that it only annoys me that she didn't reply: I don't care that we're not going out, and I don't feel "rejected" or that this reflects negatively on me at all.

I flew to visit a friend these past few days, and the last leg of my return, I had a very attractive flight attendant working my section of the plane. As I was taking my seat, she said that they had reserved the aisle seat on my row for an elderly woman requiring special seating. My first reflex was to apologize, even though I was taking the window seat. Then I turned it around, and accused her of entrapment with a smile on my face. It took her a second, but then she joined the frame for a minute, saying a few funny things before she had to get on with her duties.

As I was deplaning, I caught her eye and told her she had the sweetest smile I'd seen in a long time. She smiled with a glint in her eye, and thanked me. I was already half-off the plane by that point.

[Shannon]

I tried asking the girl from NYE out over facebook, and she didn't reply to my message, though I know she read it. The awesome part about this is that it only annoys me that she didn't reply: I don't care that we're not going out, and I don't feel "rejected" or that this reflects negatively on me at all.

It annoys me sometimes that the Internet and cell phones and IM and texting has made the concept of social grace and politeness with regard to communicating a complete mystery to most people, but in a situation like yours, it would be instant disqual, and I wouldn't bat an eye over it. Facebook is a place I have come to expect poor behavior from people with regards to the politeness of social grace. I would suggest talking on the phone or in person to asking someone out over FB, unless I had already established a conversation with them first.

[Sean]

I tried asking the girl from NYE out over facebook, and she didn't reply to my message, though I know she read it. The awesome part about this is that it only annoys me that she didn't reply: I don't care that we're not going out, and I don't feel "rejected" or that this reflects negatively on me at all.

It annoys me sometimes that the Internet and cell phones and IM and texting has made the concept of social grace and politeness with regard to communicating a complete mystery to most people, but in a situation like yours, it would be instant disqual, and I wouldn't bat an eye over it. Facebook is a place I have come to expect poor behavior from people with regards to the politeness of social grace. I would suggest talking on the phone or in person to asking someone out over FB, unless I had already established a conversation with them first.

I agree! The impersonal nature of these communication media has created a lack of consequences for poor behavior. I didn't want to start any kind of conversation on FB because of that: I wanted in-person communication. Failing that, a phone call. Without her number, I had no opportunity for that.

I'll still have fun that night, and part of the fun will be discovering who is sharing that fun with me.

[Sean]

Tonight I start Stage 6 and OF! I know Stage Six is a polish: It's smoothing down any burrs that are sticking out of my Alpha, so it will be very interesting to see what happens with that and OF combined.

Having spent the majority of my life subject to my fears telling me how to act, I expect OF will be a huge catalyst for change, and a good way to taper into WM2's fear destruction in 5G.

[Sean]

Day 1 Stage 6 AM + OF

Last night I took a sleeping pill because my insomnia has returned in the past week. I slept very deeply and dreamed vividly. The content has escaped me already, but I remember a part of me realized I was dreaming and was surprised at how vivid the dream was.

Naturally, waking up was very difficult. I have a playlist on my phone to give me 9 hours of AM and 9 of OF. All I have to do is finish as much of the playlist as possible, each day, and I don't have to keep track on my watch. Each night, I start the playlist over.

[Sean]

Day 6 Stage 6 AM5 + OF

Holy cow! I've been sleeping an average of 10 hours this past week, and the only thing I can attribute this to is the new demands placed on me by Stage 6 and OF. I haven't noticed any differences from Stage 6 or OF, yet, but I've not paid any attention for any, either.

One problem I am having is that I can't stop thinking about the girl from NYE. On one hand I've written her off, and have no emotions attached to that, but at the same time, she's frequently in my thoughts. I just made an intuitive leap in this, which is that this is tied to a scarcity paradigm. It feels bloody stupid, too. I need to get out more to experience abundance, which is the cure for feeling scarcity.

Tomorrow night, I will go out for Salsa lessons again. Hopefully, the lessons aren't canceled for lack of female students, which happened last time. That would be an ironic outcome to my search for abundance, eh?

[Spiral]

Lol. I think its time I do the same. SALSA!!

[Sean]

I've made no secret that I hate my job, and I'm making progress on finding a new one, while also developing a self-employment opportunity.

After having three weeks off, I came into the office expecting the old negative feelings to dictate the quality of my day, and I have been pleasantly surprised to be wrong. I still hate the job, but I don't care. I'm doing the work, catching up, and still having a fantastic day.

I'm not sure how much of this is related to AM5, and how much is just the post-PTO afterglow.

[Sean]

OK, I didn't really understand what you meant by polishing in Stage 6, and I think I get it now. I seem to be very refined in how I handle everything the past few days. My communications are more eloquent, and my manner feels more genteel.