Sean's AM Journal

[Sean]

My frustration and irritation with my boss continues. I made a legitimate mistake, and email went unnoticed for several days. The requester escalated, and through various forwards, got to him, and he went off. I was calm through his tirade, nonreactive, which gave him no purchase to unbalance me during the conversation, however he wants to have a discussion in person when he returns from India, where he is headed tonight through next week.

This man has no regard for the loading or stress of his employees, and does not allow for any error level. He does not understand that I've handled hundreds of these requests, and that having one fail is still >99% success rate.

Lately I've been very tired, and I've found myself flirting lightly with Tammy: it happens before I realize what I've done. Over our corporate IM, she asked if I was around, and I fired back "You calling me fat? That's mean." "Yep LOL" "There goes my Borat movie audition" "Ewww" "That's what you get for calling me fat."

Later, I borrowed her thumb drive to move some files between laptops, and she said she wasn't sure what was on the drive right now. I said I didn't look because it's none of my business. She replies "There's nothing wild on there" so I fire back "Definitely not a good idea to bring your wild stuff to work and share it with colleagues" "yeah, no"

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm playing with matches in a fireworks factory.

I think some of it is related to her desperation, which has to be making her squirt out high levels of pheromones. I suspect that, because this only comes up when I've recently had a face to face conversation with her. Normally I sit 40yards away, and when I didn't visit her desk, there was NO inclination to flirt. I know she hasn't even been asked out on a date in years, which means there's a backlog of tension screaming for a release. That means that there would be very little resistance to my advances and a high level of confidence in success.

At the same time, crazy is crazy, and the path of destruction that would create in my life would be like an F5 tornado lingering over Dallas for an hour. A buddy suggested I should go out and start chatting up really hot women under the age of 30 so that she's less appealing by contrast. Another buddy called it a false market: because I'm so busy with work, my kids, and relaxing in non-social activities, she's the hottest thing in my recent experience, so the bell curve pushes her up to a 10, when in reality she's much lower. It's a statistical error that my sample size is too small.

Time to make myself accountable: I will get out for at least one social experience during the next week, or at the very least get a few dances at the club so I adjust the curve back toward the norm.

[DarthSussudio]

...oooooh, slippery slope dude. I'd agree with your friends. I experience this at school all the time. There are women who are infatuated with me at various levels, but I've more or less written them off for very rational reasons, getting out meeting new more attractive women who are a better fit for you and what you want for your life is a good way to avoid having a regrettable incident.

In fact after reading your journal, I think I'm going to have to do this myself. Increase the sample size.

As far as the boss is concerned. Have you got any other options, or is there a limit to the amount of time you have to put up with this?

[Subeternal]

Your flirting with her provides with me with much needed entertainment. I royally suck at flirting myself so its always interesting to see how people word play themselves.

I demand you keep up with these type of posts because I want more reading material in the days to come and your internet writing style is enjoyable to me. Thanks

[Sean]

Subeternal - PM me and I'll give you the paypal address if you'd like a subscription to Sean's Hilarious Writings.

DS - Synchronicities abound: there's a position opening up in a different group doing a similar job, but if everything goes well, the manager they'll hire for the new team they're growing will be someone I know, respect, and treats his employees well. I'm speaking with the director on Tuesday to discuss the expectations and fit.

[alpha123]

I suggest dancing with 5 different latino women in a row - she will appear like a log. ;-)

The boss sounds like my old one. Even if I did well, she would add up negative things over time, and then present them to me without forewarning, indicating a "big problem" on my part, the crazy bitch. After starting AM I started talking back at her, but of course she got even more cunning. So I decided to quit. I had not issues with my colleagues.

[Sean]

123, in a few years, I will have more time for taking something like Salsa dancing lessons. That would be a hell of a lot of fun. I've heard good dancing described as "a vertical expression of a horizontal desire."

[Sean]

Last night, I wore headphones because my son is sleeping in the same room as I am. The results were some bizarre dreams.

In the first, I was a student of a master in The Arts, which in the dream meant magic, but not hocus pocus or Merlin type stuff. This was similar to Dresden and Dragonbone Chair "Arts". I'm not sure how to put it better than that. I'd worked with this master in a previous dream, it seemed, and an evil practitioner of The Arts was coming to destroy my master. The middle of the dream is now hazy, but the end is still crystal clear: I was trapped in a bed, unable to move, trying to scream out his name to warn him that the bad guy was there. All I could get out was a hoarse whisper. I tried screaming his name exactly three times and then I awoke, in my bed, breathless.

In the second dream, I was on a team like the one in the television drama Flashpoint. A SWAT team that emphasizes negotiation and peaceful solutions with the sniper ready to pull the trigger when needed. I was involved with a beautiful woman on the team, and we were dispatched on several missions during the dream, the last being on an ocean shoreline. We were to find someone, and rescue them. I awoke to my son stirring before the dream concluded, so I don't know what was to happen after that.

I've not had dreams this vivid in weeks.

Also, my attraction seems to be going in bizarre directions lately. In addition to the woman at work, a woman who I've not seen in years has re-entered my thoughts. Physically attractive, very intelligent, and crazier than a sack of rabid weasels. She's been a fetish model, a no-sex professional dominatrix, and general attention whore for as long as I've known her. Now I've got this impulse in me saying that if I ever get the chance, I should show her what she's been missing with me, not accepting any of her dominatrix stuff, and just give her a romp that she'll not soon forget.

This is nuts.

[LionMonkey]

There seems to be some crazy hidden dreams in your subconscious

I remember that I also could remember my dreams often by wearing earbuds than listening to my ipod dock station when I was out traveling...

[DarthSussudio]

I ever get the chance, I should show her what she's been missing with me, not accepting any of her dominatrix stuff, and just give her a romp that she'll not soon forget.

I used to meet and date this kind of woman all the time. Seemed like every other woman I met at a pub, or a party or through mutual friends did this sort of thing or were "dancers". (And then there were the actual ballerinas, but you don't know, or want that kind of crazy.)

Anyway, most of them weren't looking for submissive guys or guys into that subculture in a potential lover, although many were looking for a "daddy" type.

I remember my dreams quite well, and lately have been having very allegorical dreams about listening to the subliminals.

Have yourself some fun Sean.

[Benjamin]

I do have some quite interesting dreams with subliminals, especially with Alpha. Doing the start of 2010 and then 2011 was really pronounced because I wasn't used to it and it was pretty amazing.

Now I tend to know when it's the subliminals effecting my dreams but i'm used to it now.

-Ben

[Sean]

(And then there were the actual ballerinas, but you don't know, or want that kind of crazy.)

Oh dude, I've been close. Not an actual ballerina, but close enough to smell the brimstone.

A long time ago, my wife-at-the-time was in a shoestring opera, and there were dancers to represent various active scenery (rivers, etc). The guy running the opera designed his own set pieces, and I brought a friend to come fix some of them when it was discovered that 17 casters of different sizes and orientations didn't roll well.

After fixing them, one of the dancers came over to thank me for fixing their set pieces, and exclaiming how much safer she felt now that they were stable. I made small talk with her for a few minutes, and then she told me how often she'd been complimented on her back. Then she turned around to show me. I said, "Uh huh. Back. Yeah, that's a nice back."

My internal monologue was more akin to, "Yeah, I know that when I'm checking out a woman, that's one of the first things I notice. Forget her face, ass, legs, or boobs: the back is HOT!" (Yes, Sheldon, that's sarcasm).

[Sean]

Today is the first day I am listening to Stage 4, and tonight will be the first night that I listen to it.

I had a very tiring weekend, and I made the mistake of having iced tea late in the evening yesterday. I was up until 2am, had to sleep in this morning to be functional, and I'm pretty amotivational at work today.

I'm going kart racing this evening with a friend from work, and hopefully out to a cool place to socialize after.

[K-Train]

Today is the first day I am listening to Stage 4, and tonight will be the first night that I listen to it.

I had a very tiring weekend, and I made the mistake of having iced tea late in the evening yesterday. I was up until 2am, had to sleep in this morning to be functional, and I'm pretty amotivational at work today.

I'm going kart racing this evening with a friend from work, and hopefully out to a cool place to socialize after.

Kart racing? Do you get to use banana peels and turtle shells? lol

Nice to see your progress by the way Sean, I don't get to respond much on the board these days. I liked stage 4...a lot. It was a welcome break from Stage 3 where I was almost completely emotionless. How is AM5.0 tackling procrastination? I know that was something I was really big on during AM2011 where the IDGAF attitude ended up worsening procrastination.

[Sean]

Kart racing? Do you get to use banana peels and turtle shells? lol

Nice to see your progress by the way Sean, I don't get to respond much on the board these days. I liked stage 4...a lot. It was a welcome break from Stage 3 where I was almost completely emotionless. How is AM5.0 tackling procrastination? I know that was something I was really big on during AM2011 where the IDGAF attitude ended up worsening procrastination.

No, this is real kart racing, with real karts on a real track, and Italian will only be there coincidentally, but they won't be wearing red overalls, I'm sure.

My procrastination is the same as it was before. I have a STRONG history of it, so chances are that this could be resisted without my even consciously acknowledging it. I may need to run through a half year of Overcome Procrastination to kick this. Maybe we can get Shannon to crank the volume up to eleven on that subliminal.

I'm looking forward to what Stage 4 brings. Stage 3 was very powerful for me, and I hope to make similar progress under this one.

********** EDITED TO ADD ************

K-Train, Thanks for taking the time to post the kind words, especially given that you're busy.