Mystic LTU 6 Journal

[Mystic Pymp]

Each stage must include and release different things.  You can't have everything all at once, and you can't have all of them having the same thing, or there's no rest, no chance for growth and you get boredom.

Some of what you're experiencing is a resistance to something that isn't there anymore.  It will be back.  Over time, this will be outgrown.  Don't start trying to assign interpretations to it; you stir shit up, you let it settle, and you stir it up again.  Each time, growth happens.  The process isn't always easy, fun or simple to understand.  But it works.  Just keep a long term mindset and point of view.

I agree. The tiredness I feel is proof that the sub is working. I know my baseline and that is not it. The problem with thinking in terms of "outgrowing" is that man lives in the present, not in the future. I know how I am now, future me will reap the rewards of this but at this very moment its of little use.

Instead I want to think about this as if it was mental soreness like that after a heavy training. Your muscle ache and you can barely move then they feel so weak. It's not a nice feeling but you know in the long run it will make you stronger so it's worth it.

Certainly I have no intention of stopping now. That would be stupid and pointless. It's easy to resist e.g. training as it takes time and effort, sub takes only clicking "play" in the morning - simple choice, easy to overrule with your will even when in doubt.

Stage 2 Day 14 (1)

BTW I think I have figured out the root of my current problem. It's like with fear of heights. When I'm at the edge of a cliff I'm scared to death to approach it. My mind will create millions of simulations of what might go wrong and if even one of these results in my demise I'm out - not an inch back, even if my life were to depend on it. Were the cliff is uncertainty of the future. I've always been an control freak to some extend and future cannot be controlled. So this gives rise to fear, fear gives rise to mental paralysis I'm experiencing. 

That's a theory at least, a shaky one. When I was talking about my sweetheart I was certain that was the issue because I knew how felt about her when I was thinking about her. For example now I feel little thinking about her, so I know it's not the source. For this theory however all I have is that it makes sense. It feels right, but thinking about my future does not make me feel scared or whatever.

I was sleeping only for 2 hours today, I feel well anyway. If I were to choice I'd take 2 hours over 12 anyway, as long as I feel full of energy as I do now. If something's gonna be off there is always noon nap to be had. Anyway I had a dream I wanna share. There was this feeling that my dad survived his coma and I went to visit him. My mom and my dog were also there, needless to say my dog died 3 years ago. Anyhow my dad was sleeping, I woke him up. He said two things: one was how dog is not supposed to go to bed (which is true, I was the only one allowing her to jump onto my bed) and the other that I need to go to sleep if I wanna wake up in the morning and do my dues. The second one was helluva interesting as these would be my thoughts exactly while battling myself to fall asleep.

What was also nice was how both my dad and my dog looked like. Healthy, just as one would say you'd like to remember him. I was holding his hand as he was dying and not even once I dreamed of him in this state, instead he's always healthy and full of color. Also his voice, he sounded exactly like when he was alright and what was scary was that I'd forgotten how his voice sounds like. I cannot imagine it right now.