08-31-2020, 02:37 PM
Stage 1 Day 20 (27)
Using the fact that I cannot quite fall asleep I decided to post an update. And given how my friend got together with my ex (they know each other way longer than I know them, so it's a storied relationship) I decided to post about once a trope on my journals - relationships. Yeah!
First of all no, I'm not bitter about this, not am I jealous. I feel sorry for my friend. Fiance dumped him, my ex came and get to fill her place. That woman is a mistake, one of those famme fatale that always get what they want. If I'm right he will come back screaming with me having zero pity for him - he knew perfectly well what he's going into. If she's changed and they will be together and happy than damn, I'm willing to forgive her everything and be a friend for them both. I wish him and her both all well, I doubt there will be a happy ending though.
I'll let this situation mature and see how it develops. So far I didn't lose a friend for this and I hope I won't.
Anyhow, relationships, right? I was writing a lot about it on my previous journal because I was very puzzled over what I want in relation to women. Do I want to find myself a partner? Who should it be? Why do I want it? Why am I opposed? What I think came to was that I like my bachelor freedom and I'm not ready to relinquish it yet. But something like freedom... I never wanna let go of it. So why stop pretending and just declare myself volcel and be done with it?
In recent days, mostly subconsciously, realizations came to me. I always thought of relationship as a means to happiness. "I am with her and she makes me happy". And I saw through that falsehood a long time ago. Even while being with someone I'd always get this somewhere in my mind and remind myself and true happiness in only possible if you're able to be happy alone. And while this is true, it lacked something. It didn't make quite as much sense as I'd like.
Purpose. The secret is purpose. True, happy relationship, the kind my parents had and one I long for is not so much about replacing one's happiness with theirs, but replacing purpose. I love myself and I don't feel ashamed to call myself selfish - I want best for myself after all. Being in relationship should be like being selfish, but for more than one's person benefit. Your purpose shifts. I see how it's easy to decide to sacrifice your own happiness on altar of something like that, but if done right you never need to.
I don't know, maybe what I'm saying is obvious. Maybe I'm jaded for looking too hard in the past and being childish. All of this sounded better in my head while on the walk. Anyhow I don't feel ready for a relationship now. My purpose is set way too much on myself right now. I cannot imagine how to shift if in another direction. At any rate I hope I'll meet somebody who would motivate me to change my purpose. I really do hope that.
Using the fact that I cannot quite fall asleep I decided to post an update. And given how my friend got together with my ex (they know each other way longer than I know them, so it's a storied relationship) I decided to post about once a trope on my journals - relationships. Yeah!
First of all no, I'm not bitter about this, not am I jealous. I feel sorry for my friend. Fiance dumped him, my ex came and get to fill her place. That woman is a mistake, one of those famme fatale that always get what they want. If I'm right he will come back screaming with me having zero pity for him - he knew perfectly well what he's going into. If she's changed and they will be together and happy than damn, I'm willing to forgive her everything and be a friend for them both. I wish him and her both all well, I doubt there will be a happy ending though.
I'll let this situation mature and see how it develops. So far I didn't lose a friend for this and I hope I won't.
Anyhow, relationships, right? I was writing a lot about it on my previous journal because I was very puzzled over what I want in relation to women. Do I want to find myself a partner? Who should it be? Why do I want it? Why am I opposed? What I think came to was that I like my bachelor freedom and I'm not ready to relinquish it yet. But something like freedom... I never wanna let go of it. So why stop pretending and just declare myself volcel and be done with it?
In recent days, mostly subconsciously, realizations came to me. I always thought of relationship as a means to happiness. "I am with her and she makes me happy". And I saw through that falsehood a long time ago. Even while being with someone I'd always get this somewhere in my mind and remind myself and true happiness in only possible if you're able to be happy alone. And while this is true, it lacked something. It didn't make quite as much sense as I'd like.
Purpose. The secret is purpose. True, happy relationship, the kind my parents had and one I long for is not so much about replacing one's happiness with theirs, but replacing purpose. I love myself and I don't feel ashamed to call myself selfish - I want best for myself after all. Being in relationship should be like being selfish, but for more than one's person benefit. Your purpose shifts. I see how it's easy to decide to sacrifice your own happiness on altar of something like that, but if done right you never need to.
I don't know, maybe what I'm saying is obvious. Maybe I'm jaded for looking too hard in the past and being childish. All of this sounded better in my head while on the walk. Anyhow I don't feel ready for a relationship now. My purpose is set way too much on myself right now. I cannot imagine how to shift if in another direction. At any rate I hope I'll meet somebody who would motivate me to change my purpose. I really do hope that.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
