08-29-2020, 09:23 PM
Stage 1 Day 19 (26)
Sorry for not posting updates, these past few days had been weird for me. Dreamlike is how I would describe it. Not in a sense that I sleepwalked through them cause I didn't. Also not in a sense that they were unreal. I don't know how to describe it. Best thing would be that there are these days sometimes that you just remember, "good old days" or something, but you didn't yet know you'd remember it in such a way. I feel like these days are happening now and I'm aware of it.
My sleeping schedule is all screwed up. Sometimes I sleep 12-13 hours, sometimes I wake up after 4 and I'm energetic enough that after 22(!) hours I have to force myself to go to bed. A couple of weeks back this wouldn't bother me as I'd go to sleep whenever I was tired. Now though I need to get back to normal sleeping schedule because of work. Thus a need for forcing myself to go to bed.
Days are getting shorter and it's really bothering me. Historically October and November are the worst months for me not only due to short days, but more importantly because days are getting shorter. It's about change, not crappy status quo dictated by the Earth's orbital motion. It's this kind of depression that reminds me of sad high school years and having to getting used to change of clothes to thicker ones. But to get this feeling in late August is untypical. Then again I'm using the monster that LTU unquestionably is so I shouldn't be surprised
And it's not that I'm sad cause I'm not. I'm not happy either. I'm content, as simple as that. A little bit dreaded word but I like that state. Things are not great but everything is in it's place and I feel like I'm moving forward with my life. I hate feeling of hopelessness brought by lack of progress. Slow, methodical, steady. Something to give context to the boring every day.
This makes it all the harder to break my old habits I've developed for weight loss. I haven't reached my goal quite yet but I'm comfortable already and there is still time in Autumn and next year. As long as there will be no yo-yo effect I'll be happy either way. All my friends are awe struck how thin I got. Again, with BMI 23 I'm still a little bit to go but yeah, I'm the slimmest I've ever been in my life. But still I find it difficult to just break these habits. Whatever I do, in the back of my head I think if I should do more exercises this evening or go for a second walk and how I cannot buy myself a beer for a evening cause it's a caloric bomb. Some of this is good, especially on lazy days, but on work days... What would be better for me, to work for 4 hours or go for a 20k walk? If given a choice 20k always wins. And as long as Summer is this ongoing and my boss is not breathing down my neck choice is mine and mine alone.
All the tables, all the statistics, all check marks I was checking for some dopamine rush and feeling of pride that I can do it, I can beat my averages and my records and arbitrary goals... I have to let go of it, find myself source of that dopamine somewhere else. I cannot be everything at once and while coronavirus and summertime allowed me to be the slimmer version of myself soon I'll need to be hard-working version of myself. I wish I was better at balancing these two.
And maybe this is the reason for dreamlike quality of recent days. I still get these dopamine rushes for doing good job but they come with guilt. I know I should be doing something else but I follow old habits that are starting to outlive their purpose. It's all subconscious and I meditate almost not at all recently so I cannot say with any certainty. But damn, something is going on and I'll have to embrace these changes.
Sorry for not posting updates, these past few days had been weird for me. Dreamlike is how I would describe it. Not in a sense that I sleepwalked through them cause I didn't. Also not in a sense that they were unreal. I don't know how to describe it. Best thing would be that there are these days sometimes that you just remember, "good old days" or something, but you didn't yet know you'd remember it in such a way. I feel like these days are happening now and I'm aware of it.
My sleeping schedule is all screwed up. Sometimes I sleep 12-13 hours, sometimes I wake up after 4 and I'm energetic enough that after 22(!) hours I have to force myself to go to bed. A couple of weeks back this wouldn't bother me as I'd go to sleep whenever I was tired. Now though I need to get back to normal sleeping schedule because of work. Thus a need for forcing myself to go to bed.
Days are getting shorter and it's really bothering me. Historically October and November are the worst months for me not only due to short days, but more importantly because days are getting shorter. It's about change, not crappy status quo dictated by the Earth's orbital motion. It's this kind of depression that reminds me of sad high school years and having to getting used to change of clothes to thicker ones. But to get this feeling in late August is untypical. Then again I'm using the monster that LTU unquestionably is so I shouldn't be surprised
And it's not that I'm sad cause I'm not. I'm not happy either. I'm content, as simple as that. A little bit dreaded word but I like that state. Things are not great but everything is in it's place and I feel like I'm moving forward with my life. I hate feeling of hopelessness brought by lack of progress. Slow, methodical, steady. Something to give context to the boring every day.
This makes it all the harder to break my old habits I've developed for weight loss. I haven't reached my goal quite yet but I'm comfortable already and there is still time in Autumn and next year. As long as there will be no yo-yo effect I'll be happy either way. All my friends are awe struck how thin I got. Again, with BMI 23 I'm still a little bit to go but yeah, I'm the slimmest I've ever been in my life. But still I find it difficult to just break these habits. Whatever I do, in the back of my head I think if I should do more exercises this evening or go for a second walk and how I cannot buy myself a beer for a evening cause it's a caloric bomb. Some of this is good, especially on lazy days, but on work days... What would be better for me, to work for 4 hours or go for a 20k walk? If given a choice 20k always wins. And as long as Summer is this ongoing and my boss is not breathing down my neck choice is mine and mine alone.
All the tables, all the statistics, all check marks I was checking for some dopamine rush and feeling of pride that I can do it, I can beat my averages and my records and arbitrary goals... I have to let go of it, find myself source of that dopamine somewhere else. I cannot be everything at once and while coronavirus and summertime allowed me to be the slimmer version of myself soon I'll need to be hard-working version of myself. I wish I was better at balancing these two.
And maybe this is the reason for dreamlike quality of recent days. I still get these dopamine rushes for doing good job but they come with guilt. I know I should be doing something else but I follow old habits that are starting to outlive their purpose. It's all subconscious and I meditate almost not at all recently so I cannot say with any certainty. But damn, something is going on and I'll have to embrace these changes.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
