06-16-2019, 04:37 AM
Thank you for all the support and reassurance thus far.
Here are some other notes I've pulled out of my main journal...
My ego is completely confused about this new identity I'm currently constructing with LTU5. It certainly feels like a mindf*ck. The slow movement of tectonic plates is comparable to the deep subconscious changes taking place. Eventually the plates collide resulting in eruptions and so do I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. A "new me" is emerging. Past traumas, fears and insecurities bubbling up to the surface as I listen to ultrasonic during the day is a clear indication of this "tectonic movement"… the process of purification and growth into a more self actualised human being.
Sometimes, as I go about my day I often stop and think… "I cannot believe this is my life". I repeat that sentence several times in an attempt to understand. Sometimes I react positively accompanied with feelings of gratitude and love for myself, while at other times I feel like my ego is resisting and opening doors for negative emotions such as fear and sadness to flow in. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Such questions both intrigue and frighten me because I'm curious to know but at the same time I'm frightened that ill be on my death bed without having answered them.
I'm more willing to confront my fears and step outside my comfort zone. The idea of backpacking for a year came to mind 1-2 months into LTU and is one such example of taking a big leap into the unknown. A risky adventure with many obstacles but also a catalyst for personal growth to say the least. I certainly have the financial means to make it happen but will my lower self have the guts to actually pull it off? Moreover, running a full marathon which I am planning with my friend in a month is another example of LTU at work, pushing me out of my comfort zone. It isn't merely a test of physical endurance as much as it is psychological. Seeing how far I can push myself is what I'm curious about the most.
Another positive... television, gaming and other pleasure inducing activities no longer seem to provide me with that psychological crutch I used to enjoy. I mentioned this before but wasn't totally sure if it was only a one timer. Alternatively I'm choosing to engage in healthier and more productive activities such as reading, exercise and social interaction. One particular exception is pornography use... My main outlet for sexual urges, lately I've been wondering how to transform these urges into motivation for getting a girlfriend.
Speaking of relationships I recently had an insight which shed light on my difficulties with public pickup. Last summer me and my friend decided to do as many approaches as possible and I think I ended up with just over 200 in a time frame of about 2 months. I manged to obtain many phone numbers and even pulling off a few instant dates but that is all. I realise now that underneath all that manipulation and deception directed towards the girls I was trying to "pickup" (aided by techniques learned through books and online courses), my foundation was weak and fairly noticeable; poor self esteem and extremely low confidence. Subconsciously they were able to quickly notice my flaws no matter how hard I tried to hide them and it just perpetuated my neediness towards them which further dissuaded them from interacting with me. I was a typical beta male. Perhaps I only need to practice and do more approaches I thought... Inevitably I would have ended up wasting so much time and energy. The root/core issues weren't being addressed. And here is LTU doing exactly that, instilling positive beliefs and building my self-esteem so I can only expect better results when I do pickup again.
Here are some other notes I've pulled out of my main journal...
My ego is completely confused about this new identity I'm currently constructing with LTU5. It certainly feels like a mindf*ck. The slow movement of tectonic plates is comparable to the deep subconscious changes taking place. Eventually the plates collide resulting in eruptions and so do I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. A "new me" is emerging. Past traumas, fears and insecurities bubbling up to the surface as I listen to ultrasonic during the day is a clear indication of this "tectonic movement"… the process of purification and growth into a more self actualised human being.
Sometimes, as I go about my day I often stop and think… "I cannot believe this is my life". I repeat that sentence several times in an attempt to understand. Sometimes I react positively accompanied with feelings of gratitude and love for myself, while at other times I feel like my ego is resisting and opening doors for negative emotions such as fear and sadness to flow in. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Such questions both intrigue and frighten me because I'm curious to know but at the same time I'm frightened that ill be on my death bed without having answered them.
I'm more willing to confront my fears and step outside my comfort zone. The idea of backpacking for a year came to mind 1-2 months into LTU and is one such example of taking a big leap into the unknown. A risky adventure with many obstacles but also a catalyst for personal growth to say the least. I certainly have the financial means to make it happen but will my lower self have the guts to actually pull it off? Moreover, running a full marathon which I am planning with my friend in a month is another example of LTU at work, pushing me out of my comfort zone. It isn't merely a test of physical endurance as much as it is psychological. Seeing how far I can push myself is what I'm curious about the most.
Another positive... television, gaming and other pleasure inducing activities no longer seem to provide me with that psychological crutch I used to enjoy. I mentioned this before but wasn't totally sure if it was only a one timer. Alternatively I'm choosing to engage in healthier and more productive activities such as reading, exercise and social interaction. One particular exception is pornography use... My main outlet for sexual urges, lately I've been wondering how to transform these urges into motivation for getting a girlfriend.
Speaking of relationships I recently had an insight which shed light on my difficulties with public pickup. Last summer me and my friend decided to do as many approaches as possible and I think I ended up with just over 200 in a time frame of about 2 months. I manged to obtain many phone numbers and even pulling off a few instant dates but that is all. I realise now that underneath all that manipulation and deception directed towards the girls I was trying to "pickup" (aided by techniques learned through books and online courses), my foundation was weak and fairly noticeable; poor self esteem and extremely low confidence. Subconsciously they were able to quickly notice my flaws no matter how hard I tried to hide them and it just perpetuated my neediness towards them which further dissuaded them from interacting with me. I was a typical beta male. Perhaps I only need to practice and do more approaches I thought... Inevitably I would have ended up wasting so much time and energy. The root/core issues weren't being addressed. And here is LTU doing exactly that, instilling positive beliefs and building my self-esteem so I can only expect better results when I do pickup again.
