05-19-2019, 12:28 AM
Lately I had been feeling extremely stuck. Reflecting back on my past, all I could see was struggle, constant anxiety and failure. To distract myself been spending most of my off days compulsively watching porn, playing games and eating junk food, thus further exacerbating my state of despair and eventually spiraling into suicidal depression. For a number of weekends I was really thinking of hanging myself.
However, yesterday I decided to just sit on my couch and contemplate. It was extremely difficult because there was no stimulation or distraction, just me and my thoughts. I could feel negative energy concentrated in the abdominal region, and my breathing was very shallow. So I observed and eventually I began to feel a sense of calmness. My breathing returned back to normal and there was some space in my mind for something new to emerge. I thought to myself, well I cant change the past and all the decisions and actions that have led me to this present moment of being depressed. So asked myself, whats one simple thing I can do to move me into a positive direction? Hmm, I thought, ok.. Lets do 30 pushups… simple enough right? I did it and began to feel better. I then began to clean my flat. I listned to Joe Rogan podcast and gained new insights. I felt so much happier. I went to bed early this time.
Suddenly I understood the victim roles I've been playing such as blaming others and the universe for my misery. I had an epiphany that I am 100% responsible for my life. All the finger pointing and blaming had to be brought onto myself from now on. I am in control, and I can take small baby steps towards a positive future and my past didn’t have to dicate my future.
So yeah, feels like a major breakthrough and I believe LTU has allowed that to happen. Sure, I was aware of this concept of taking 100% responsibiliy before, but comprehension has many degrees so its not enough to just read something and accept it on blind faith. U need to contemplate and think about and prove to yourself. Will be interesting to see how my thoughts and daily actions change form now on. Im already feeling more postive about the future
However, yesterday I decided to just sit on my couch and contemplate. It was extremely difficult because there was no stimulation or distraction, just me and my thoughts. I could feel negative energy concentrated in the abdominal region, and my breathing was very shallow. So I observed and eventually I began to feel a sense of calmness. My breathing returned back to normal and there was some space in my mind for something new to emerge. I thought to myself, well I cant change the past and all the decisions and actions that have led me to this present moment of being depressed. So asked myself, whats one simple thing I can do to move me into a positive direction? Hmm, I thought, ok.. Lets do 30 pushups… simple enough right? I did it and began to feel better. I then began to clean my flat. I listned to Joe Rogan podcast and gained new insights. I felt so much happier. I went to bed early this time.
Suddenly I understood the victim roles I've been playing such as blaming others and the universe for my misery. I had an epiphany that I am 100% responsible for my life. All the finger pointing and blaming had to be brought onto myself from now on. I am in control, and I can take small baby steps towards a positive future and my past didn’t have to dicate my future.
So yeah, feels like a major breakthrough and I believe LTU has allowed that to happen. Sure, I was aware of this concept of taking 100% responsibiliy before, but comprehension has many degrees so its not enough to just read something and accept it on blind faith. U need to contemplate and think about and prove to yourself. Will be interesting to see how my thoughts and daily actions change form now on. Im already feeling more postive about the future
