**Jake's Overcoming Fear v.3 5.75.7G Journal**

[Jake2015]

Day 50/180 OFF #1- Wed 7 July

1) Slept very late, just couldnt fall asleep and woke up late but not had much sleep. Waking up was exhausting and hard.

2) Due to lack of sleep and lack of good sleep, most of the day has been a time waste and akin the the walking dead ie im a zombie today lol

3) Based on all this I've gone back to the drawing board for my goals. Instead of trying to run im going to aim to walk and then jog. So ive been focused on listing my goals (just doing this meant I had to wait until I had some mental energy and even then I cant focus for too long) and then prioritising and then I will not do anything but focus on 1 goal at a time.

First goal is to fix sleep.

[RTBoss]

Have you considered using blue light blocking software on your computer and phone during evening hours? Also, they sell blue light blocking glasses. Blue light has been shown to interrupt the body's production of melatonin.

[Jake2015]

Have you considered using blue light blocking software on your computer and phone during evening hours?  Also, they sell blue light blocking glasses.  Blue light has been shown to interrupt the body's production of melatonin.

@RTBoss hey bro thanks for that and yeah funny you saying that as thats exactly what I did last night and ill now share in the next update below  lol

[Jake2015]

Day 50/180 OFF #1- Wed 7 July - part 2

1) So yesterday I made it a firm and concrete focus of mine that come what may I WILL focus on fixing my sleep cycle once and for all and to make this my primary goal. I affirmed that should I then progress onto other goals and this foundational goal of sleep is affected everything else will be pushed to the side until I correct this goal.....

2) ....so I got to work on this goal. I spent the remainder of the day and evening putting things into perspective. I made a master list of goals, a mind map to help connect which goal had a greater effect on which other goals and thus on my life overall and without going into it hardcore on here it was clear that sleep was the number 1 goal of my life. Goals 2-5 out of a total of 10 were just as important and paramount and set the baseline for everything else.

But sleep was number 1.

I then for those interested, went further with prioritising these goals in terms of urgency and importance using the matrix I once read about in a book (i googled for the image of this and a website that gave me more clarity as to how to use this again). This enabled me to number the goals from 1-10 thus finding 1-5 being the life changing goals. everything else was a dream upon these but not things I needed as much.

3) I then as @RTBoss mentioned in the post above went into looking at how i needed the right late evening regime which included using blue light filters again on my phone and laptop screen. I say again as I have these apps but due to my erratic travelling and sleep cycles always gave up on them but not now. I scheduled these with do not disturb to come on at a set time I chose to on my phone and also blue light filter on my laptop. I wont name these as that may break forum rules.

4) Anyway once I had planned what time to sleep and wake this week until sunday morning (upon which I will then bring the time back an hour per week until I hit my golden times) I then set about scheduling the blue light filter and "do not disturb on my phone"

5) I then went about planning all this with paper and pen and once I was happy I had time to start planning on my diet further. I say further as I had done most of the diet planning, perhaps 80%, a few nights ago.

6) Once all this was planned to cut a long story short I put it all into action and got to bed at the time I planned which was 12.30am hoping to sleep at 1am. I didnt sleep around 1am I dont think especially as it was hot and I still hadnt got tired. However eventually I fell asleep with some light waking up moments during the night.

7) I set my alarms to come on an hour before I planned to wake. I planned to wake at 9am and at 9.12am which some struggle I got up!!!!!! Terrific for me!!!

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Day 51/180 OFF #2- Thurs 8 July

1) Waking up at 9.12am was what I needed The ultimate goal is to wake up at 6am daily, 7 days a week consistently. I can do this but I just need to give my body time to get used to 9am and then 8am will become easier and 7am will. I will as mentioned bring these back per week giving my body 7 days to get used to said times until 6am is reached and then maintain that no matter how much or little sleep I get. Waking up without fail is 1 sure way of fixing the body clock.

2) Today due to waking early (for me 6-9am are times I psychologically see as early and productive times to wake - waking at 10am to me feels more like breakfast is missed and its lunchtime) I was able to eat early and quickly and then was able to put my next plan of action into play which is Time Blocking. A way to manage my daily hours and minutes.

3) After doing this I then had a template for my day to follow and ive been doing just that, ticking/checking off things achieved as I go alone and coming to update my post here was scheduled for now with a break in between so here I am.

4) After this the next plan is to update my music player with 4 loops of OF 3 ready to be played tonight when i go to bed.

[Jake2015]

Day 51/180 OFF #2- Thurs 8 July - Part 2

1) Got productivity high yesterday. I believe due to time blocking and also sleep.

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Day 52/180 ON #1- Fri 9 July - *(First day using 4 loops)*

1) Got to bed as planned to for 11.45pm to hit that midnight target. Didnt feel tired even though I had taken some natural stuff to help me wind down and sleep including some sips of those bedtime/nighttime teas from the supermarket with valerian etc.

2) Got woken by my alarm for 8am and kept snoozing for the hour until I woke at 9am. 9am was the target for this week and so this is excellent!!!

3) Since getting up ive been productive due to the time blocking which has helped me to figure in times of fun and even procrastination (things id do when going online I have made time and a place for in my schedule lol).

Im working at 10mins to 5mins break pomodoro style. I am doing this to build the habit of focusing for this short duration and not have it feel like a chore etc then week by week ill increase it a little here and there. Not too much of an increase but whatever I feel comfy with. Maybe 12mins to 5 min break even.

4) The main thing however for this journal update is about my sleep and the 4 loops.

I hit play and tried to sleep and do believe eventually I fell asleep but unsure if it was light or deep. However I then woke up and so went to my phone to check the time and to see if the sub was till playing. The time was 4am. 4hours after hit play give or take a few mins and thus around the time the sub stopped playing. Is that a coincidence??

I then fell asleep and I THINK (its not clear) but I think i was in and out of sleep. However I had a dream. I tried to remember it and parts are really fuzzy now but I remember that the ending was I and others with me being chased by some people. I cant recall who but eventually I couldnt out run then and so gave up and turned around and then .... it was as if I had the force or some X Men Jean Grey type power where with my hands and a quick swoosh to the left I lifted 1 of the chasers with the force (I wasnt near them) and threw them to the left, and then another to the right and dealt with them in this way.

Is this the sub? This is on 4 loops so for the first time.

[Jake2015]

Day 52/180 ON #1- Fri 9 July - *(First day using 4 loops)* - part 2

so firstly I had asked @Shannon a question and the answer can be found here: https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-Shann...#pid247005

Secondly as per that post above, I am now typing this update during my 5min breaks, so this wont be posted until its done which could take a while at this rate lol

5) So yesterday was productive again. I was able to get on with things I had added to my paper time blocking and it really helped me to manage things I normally wouldnt and also it helped curb my procrastination. Even when i felt I was getting dragged away with too much fun the thought to get back to my schedule kicked in. At the same time have the timer on my normal clock app that came with the phone beep at 5mins and 10mins enabled me to stay in focus and sometimes when i was doing anything mentally taxing (such as learning something new online that could help me with studies) I felt myself crave a break and I knew that with 10mins it wasnt too far in coming to that break.

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Day 53/180 ON #2- Sat 10 July - *(second day using 4 loops)*

1) I got to bed for 11.30pm again and unsure when i finally fell asleep but managed to get out of bed at 9.30am! still terrific for me even if late so hooray!

2) More about the sleep - so I woke around 4 times during the night at least. The sleep was thus volatile in some ways. I recall having 4 dreams lol but I dont remember any of them sadly.

Is 4 dreams the sub or me i dont know.

Waking up was a real struggle today though!! - so my 5mins is over but ill get this done as in this hour (12pm-1pm) I have some physical chores to do so I can start those a little later than scheduled as i wont be timing that with 10mins on n 5min off.

So yeah waking up was a struggle! Even with the alarm going off from 8am it wasnt easy this time to wake up. I have 2 phones and set alarms on both. 1 phone plays the sub also at night. I forgot to set the alarm on this sub phone last night even though I thought I had before going to sleep so maybe that not ringing played a part in this but either way waking up wasnt easy.

I therefore woke up a little later than i have been and than I have had planned. So rather than 9am, waking latest at 9.20ish I woke at 9.30am

3) This however got me focused very quickly as I knew I had to get on track with my time blocking plan or id fall behind since I have a delivery from the supermarket coming later which means 2 hours blocked away to clean/disinfect etc.

4) In this time ive managed to have breakfast and then get on with some work whilst using the 5mins break to send off an email that came to my mind today and then to get on here and reply to shannon's reply to me (which I need to go back into and add on that I had 4 dreams as that may be relevant) and then to get on here and update this journal.

5) Feelings wise I felt yesterday and today a little stress and fear. let me explain. so my friend who has had depression in the past and is a worrier messaged me telling me he had heard the next exam would be harder and rules have changed etc. At first I got a little stressed and panicked but then thought na Im not dealing with his negative energy yet and continued with my time blocking plan. When in the shower I then realised I was calm and my mind had rationalised that even if the exam is harder so what, we do have resit opportunities again anyway.

Todays stress and fear was minor and something that is clear to me. In that whenever I come to a point in trying to understand something that I find hard to understand (such as in academia) this stresses me out. its not easy thus it causes me stress. In the same way when I lose something and cant find it, or something isnt working as it should be then I feel the stress inside me build up, I start getting hot, sweating and itchy even in sensation.

Today even though whilst learning I had this stress begin I felt it fade away as I again rationalised that I should take it easy and just understand it slowly and gradually and to chill! lol

[Jake2015]

Day 53/180 ON #2- Sat 10 July - *(second day using 4 loops)* - part 2

6) Spoke to a friend yesterday who is now working in my industry after graduating and he used tough love and scared me into realising just how little to nothing I really knew! Even though he scared me I was able to not be as anxious as I may have usually become and I didnt feel the level of paralysis I normally probably would have.

It would be a lie to say that throughout the day I didnt think about what he said and that this didnt cause me anxiety however it wasnt at all at the level normally exhibited by me in the past and instead I used it to take action and get into action rather than get stopped in paralysis by analysis.

So I took to action to figure out if I had resources already that could help me and I think I do but with so many it gets overwhelming no doubt to know where to start and which one to begin using.

7) anyway rest of the day was productive with me ending the day with a little lost as to what to do lol

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Day 54/180 OFF #1- Sun 11 July

1) Terrible sleep!

Went to bed an hour earlier. The goal is to bring my current sleep cycle back to a sensible one. So ive managed to get it to midnight bedtime to 9am waking up (9-9.30am is more exact).

So now I aimed for 11pm to 8am. I got to bed at 10.50pm and I couldnt sleep until maybe 11.15pm. All night I kept waking. This is a day off, no sub playing and yet I kept waking. Yes I dreamed and I think I remembered my dream but now I cant remember it.

I woke at 6am and slept and then my alarms went off at 7am onwards. I kept snoozing them and trying struggling and really making a hard effort to wake up. I didnt get out of bed until 9.35am. Much later than what I wanted and hoped for. I even whilst having my wash just felt unproductive.

I managed to however have a quick cereal breakfast by 10am which was the start of my first task as part of my time blocking.

2) I started the said task but I wasnt at all as focused or sticking to my 10mins pomodoro style timing as I had hoped. I just feel unproductive today.

Time is now 12.19pm and my lunch time is 1pm, but I just needed a break so thought id come on here and update my journal.

Today is not going as well as I had planned.

3) Yes I did manage to get myself into some focus during the 10-current time of 12.19pm but not as much as the past few days nor as much as I had expected.

4) However Ive managed to rationalise all this by saying well my goal of waking at 8am is from today Sunday 11th July all the way until Saturday 17th July. The goal is to reach it during this time not to expect to reach it immediately.

Same with this productivity side of things, as long as I keep trying I will get there as a daily habit eventually.

5) Feelings of not wanting to do things are what have crept into my mind and all this must be due to unhealthy unproductive sleep so this is why sleep is vitally important!!!

addendum:
So whilst replying to @Shannon on his discussion journal, the dream I had which was a sort of nightmare came to my mind.

So in the past ive had a similar dream where I would be sleeping on my side and then I feel paralysed and cannot muster the strength to even shout. Its as if my mouth is shut and I want to scream out and say something but I just cant.

Last night the weird thing is, is that I this happened but now I mustered the strength and was able to shout out. I also felt a presence as if someone was behind me spooning me and trying to whisper in my ear but as I shouted out or spoke out they vanished. Now this was all a dream yet almost immediately I was awake and it felt as if it had all happened for real, and when I say almost immediately I mean even shorter than a split of a split second.

No idea what this means so wonder if @Shannon knows.

[Jake2015]

Day 54/180 OFF #1- Sun 11 July - part 2

6) Well its been a day where ive been able to do the easier things and avoided the harder. Ive not been anywhere near as focused, motivated or eager to do things as I had been for the past few days.

id say out of things I got planned I managed to do say 50% but at a focus and accomplishment of 50% too. Its just not felt like a great day to take action today.

Based on my own observations either this it the outcome of an OFF day which im unsure about or as I suspect an outcome of having a poor nights sleep.

I do believe that a lack of sleep in my case as mentioned in previous posts equates to a decrease to will-power and motivation and an increase in procrastination and lack of drive.

Im not even eager to continue with an early night though I know I should do.

[Jake2015]

Day 54/180 OFF #1- Sun 11 July - part 3

7) So I managed to stay on track and managed to get to bed a little earlier, so rather than 11pm I think it was around 10-10.30pm

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Day 55/180 OFF #2- Mon 12 July

1) Woke up earlier than planned. Usual time this week if you recall was to be 8am and I woke up fresh at 7.30am which is crazy yet amazing!!

2) I therefore got out of bed and got on with my day and tried to just stick to my assigned tasks to do today.

Whereas yesterday I felt unfocused today i was able to focus at 60-80% which for me is still awesome!

3) I tried to get on with all I could and then treated myself to a movie even though my mind was on doing more work. ive kind of felt like maybe im creating the flow and habit to work which is great for me. This is why im updating this journal so late, later than usual.

4) I think I had some dreams, atleast 1 but dont remember it well I havent felt tired or anything today.

Thats all for now, so will get on with day 1 listening for tomorrow and see how it goes but yeah todays been a great day for waking up early and for getting on with things.

[Jake2015]

Day 55/180 OFF #2- Mon 12 July - part2

5) Went to bed on time but didnt want to sleep. Resisted going to bed. I can tell it was resistance because until now I have been strict on making sure when I get to bed I DO NOT play on my phone but last night I was on youtube (even though I had blue light filter on which is a saving grace at least). Eventually after 15mins approx I snapped out of it and put it down and closed my eyes with the intention of sleeping.

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Day 56/180 ON #1- Tues 13 July

RESISTANCE? - read on to see.

1) I hit play on the sub (4 loops) and closed my eyes. I didnt fall asleep immediately but nothing new and then slept. I woke up a few times during the night which is fine and normal as I fell back to sleep again soon as too.

2) I dont recall having any dreams or any major disturbances this time around.

3) HOWEVER waking up was a real challenge. Even though my alarm started going off at 7am and between 7am - 9am (these are all my fail safes. I find having the alarm go off 1 hour before I need to wake -8am being the goal this week- helps wake me up) and I was awake to turn them off it was a real struggle to wake up and get up!!

I didnt want to get up today, I wasnt looking forward to the day at all. I felt as if my will power had gone and that I would have to push through my comfort zone today of going some place new to find a quality butcher and even though I have been out of my apartment and used a taxis and been to the butchers here in europe today it seemed not scary but daunting.

4) I managed to push myself into action and get out of bed at 8.30am. 30mins later than I had wanted but waking up at 8am is a goal I have until Saturday of this week so enough time to keep persisting. Next week the goal shifts to 7am and the alarms will go back an hour in kind.

5) So after this struggle, which all showed me signs of resistance, I then went to the bathroom. I havent really focused on this until this morning but ive had diarrhoea for the past week and thought maybe it was something normal but now im wondering if it is indeed resistance.

6) After a quick wash I was able to get back onto my time blocked schedule and ive managed to find a quick 5mins so came on here to type this up.

7) Since eating a sugar filled cereal and drinking a cup of tea, i dont feel the daunting feelings and know either way I will be heading outside to get on with the tasks I need to do out there.

8) I think the daunting feeling also came from the AMOUNT of struggle ahead of me. Im going to a butchers and will be bringing back lots of chicken meat, which then has to be washed and bagged away in portions so that im ready to meal prep later this week and get onto my diet which is a predominantly higher protein and fat to lower carb diet. All this prepping takes times and I know that even by doing 2hours of prep a day including chopping veg etc it still ends up eating into my time due to the lack of space I have and the small kitchen etc. Its all effort here in europe and seriously I take for granted how lucky some of us are to live where we do at times.

well anyway thats all for now.

[London1]

Hi Jake,
In short, do you believe you are now executing OF? Somewhat? Hard to tell? Definitely?

[Jake2015]

Hi Jake,
In short, do you believe you are now executing OF? Somewhat? Hard to tell? Definitely?

Hey London1

I believe that I am executing yes, finally BUT im not able to tell how the fear is being released/resolve etc. So let me put it another way which for me is more accurate....

1) Others have told me I am executing and they have seen signs that I am

2) I needed to see signs of resistance at least, which means things like dreams, or disturbance perhaps such as tension in my head for example. Signs of resistance to me would at least tell me that there is a battle taking place thus that could only happen if there was a force to which I was resisting.

So I am exhibiting around 4 types of resistance from shannons list of resistances, which are around 22 I think.

I also know that soon as I went to 4 loops (Shannon told me specifically what to do for me only so please dont read this thinking this applies to you or anyone reading this, ask shannon before you do any experimentation etc) I got dreams, many in 1 night and also disturbed sleep so to me that is a sign that this time around I am not stonewalling.

For the past 6 years I was stonewalling all the subs I had tried here and stonewalling means I never ever sensed or felt anything at all, zero, nada, but now this time its clear I have faced resistance and this alone is a positive sign.

Am i however able to see any changes in my fears etc no not yet but this is a 180 day sub and im trying to find the "sweet spot" that will be the best number of loops, cycles etc for me that I can so I know 4 loops is a step in the right direction for me.

I know you wanted a short answer sorry I felt best to explain though as a yes or no wouldnt do the answer justice. 

Does this all make sense and answer what you asked bro?

[London1]

Hi Jake,
In short, do you believe you are now executing OF? Somewhat? Hard to tell? Definitely?

Hey London1

I believe that I am executing yes, finally BUT im not able to tell how the fear is being released/resolve etc. So let me put it another way which for me is more accurate....

1) Others have told me I am executing and they have seen signs that I am

2) I needed to see signs of resistance at least, which means things like dreams, or disturbance perhaps such as tension in my head for example. Signs of resistance to me would at least tell me that there is a battle taking place thus that could only happen if there was a force to which I was resisting.

So I am exhibiting around 4 types of resistance from shannons list of resistances, which are around 22 I think.

I also know that soon as I went to 4 loops (Shannon told me specifically what to do for me only so please dont read this thinking this applies to you or anyone reading this, ask shannon before you do any experimentation etc) I got dreams, many in 1 night and also disturbed sleep so to me that is a sign that this time around I am not stonewalling.

For the past 6 years I was stonewalling all the subs I had tried here and stonewalling means I never ever sensed or felt anything at all, zero, nada, but now this time its clear I have faced resistance and this alone is a positive sign.

Am i however able to see any changes in my fears etc no not yet but this is a 180 day sub and im trying to find the "sweet spot" that will be the best number of loops, cycles etc for me that I can so I know 4 loops is a step in the right direction for me.

I know you wanted a short answer sorry I felt best to explain though as a yes or no wouldnt do the answer justice. 

Does this all make sense and answer what you asked bro?

Yes that was a good answer thanks!

[Jake2015]

Day 56/180 ON #1- Tues 13 July - part 2

9) Was a fairly productive day yesterday and nothing else to note. Did want to sleep again spent time in bed on youtube videos but yes I did have blue light filter on phone so again that countered any sleep issues coming from blue light but I just didnt want to sleep and didnt feel tired.

Thats all I remember

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Day 57/180 ON #2- Wed 14 July

1) I slept and had a dream. The dream was about the girl who I had oneitis about. Anyone following my journals will know about her. Anyway the dream I cant recall fully but was weird. She got pregnant and was running away to China and I wasnt the father and here family were going crazy about it and I was trying to not lose here. What does all this mean ive no idea :/

2) I woke from the dream not in the best of moods and found that she had posted a snap on snapchat, because I went looking for her. I cant see the snap unless I open it even though im not on here snapchats friends, instead she comes up in the subscription feeds if any of know then you know what I mean. Anyway I didnt open the snap as then it would show I had viewed.

I did want to message and tell her I had had a nightmare about her but I resisted and eventually realised this would just be very beta of me and not at all good so didnt and then throughout the day I went back to normal in the sense of shes a ship that sailed and no point trying to get on that deck. lol

3) I woke up late though. I naturally again woke at 7am but thought no go to sleep longer until my 8am goal comes around. Well i couldnt get up even though I was in and out of sleep until 8.45am I think again. I havent fapped in weeks and then did. I am mentioning this incase it is resistance.

4) Got out of bed, had my wash then decided to make a fried egg breakfast. After this got on with my day. So productive morning but its got harder to focus and stay productive as the day continued today. its not been great thats for sure.

5) Diarrhoea is strong as ever, must be atleast 7 days if not 10 or 14. I just never paid it any attention. Could it be the sub? could it be the sleep minerals and aids I have at night. Such as ZMA, magnesium, melatonin, L-Glutamine, Ashwagandha and an antihistamine. Not all together lol just spread over 3hours.

Anyway I clearly cannot focus on work or anything so im going to watch the last episode of a tv show I watch and then chill but yeah todays been 50/50.

day of rest tomorrow from the sub.