**Jake's Overcoming Fear v.3 5.75.7G Journal**

[Shannon]

Day 32 ON - Saturday 19 June - ON#1

1) as you can see from the previous post I havent had any chance to update it as not had any chance to read my own journal. Just been very busy preparing for next exam and focusing on my sleep.

2) Today was the first day where I increased the intensity so incase you havent read above, today is the first day of 2 loops, 2 days on and 2 days off.

3) I couldnt sleep. I went to bed at 8pm, aimed to sleep by 9pm as per previous day. I was in and out of sleep. I doubt I went to deep sleep much but I was always coming back out of sleep however at the END OF THE 2 LOOPS, around 2hours and 15mins I woke up and checked my phone for the time and to see if the sub was still playing.

I needed a bathroom break twice during the night cant recall if this was the reason I woke up but it did make me wonder how it was significant that the loops end and then im awake..... hmmm?

I also due to constantly waking recall I had a dream, that was violent and worrying. I didnt like the dream. It wasnt a horror kind of dream more violent and upsetting. I dont recall the dream fully now want to repeat it here suffice to say if these are the kinds of dreams I have every night (I dont recall my dreams at all when I wake usually) then no wonder im living a fearfully fucked up life.

Anyway I couldnt sleep and eventually got up at 5am rather than the planned 6am.

That is OFv3 working.  You may want to listen to your loops in the morning instead.

4) I was making breakfast and suddenly on my white microwave as I was stood there with a plate that a small spider came from NOWHERE and skuttled across the surface of the roof of the microwave startling me with...you got it FEAR!!! I after a second or 2 then tried to compose myself that nothing to be afraid of and also to think where the heck is OF lol I then worked on a superb plan of action to remove said spider, a plan even Colonel John Hannibul Smith from the A-Team Tv Show would be proud off that involved a paper towel and a quick grab squeeze panic and throw manouver ive perfected over the years......but when I returned with my chosen weapon of destruction the spider was nowhere to be seen.

This incident alone made me wonder if OF is working or not but also that after 30 days with only 5 more months left, I have a long long way to go.

This kind of thinking makes me wonder about you.  Do you get on a train and then sit down and poof, you're there?  Or do you travel from where you started to where you're going over time?  It's a journey, Jake, not a binary experience.  This sort of thing is why you can't see it working.  You are either intentionally or unintentionally having ridiculous expectations of all at once results.  Given how bonenheaded stubborn you have been in the past, just having concrete signs that it's working at all (sleep interruption) is a fantastic first step. You are going to have to take steps.  OF does not work on every fear at once.  It has a strategy that will work on select fears and then when they're done, the next set of select fears.  If I tried to force you to overcome all your fears at once, your head would explode.

5) Yesterday was a productive day. After the journal update I got on with my most pressing task for the day - working on the next exam which is only days away.

That does not sound like procrastination, which is a good sign.

6) Today I so far made breakfast a big breakfast followed by quick microwavable pancakes and tea. I spoke to my friend on the phone and then got him off quick so that I could focus on todays goals. Due to waking early and trying to focus my self around sleep ive become more focused on getting things done in the day and not wasting time which is great.

Endlessly amusing when people (including me) use grammar vaguely.  Might want to re-read what you wrote there.

[Jake2015]

Day 32 ON - Saturday 19 June - ON#1

1) as you can see from the previous post I havent had any chance to update it as not had any chance to read my own journal. Just been very busy preparing for next exam and focusing on my sleep.

2) Today was the first day where I increased the intensity so incase you havent read above, today is the first day of 2 loops, 2 days on and 2 days off.

3) I couldnt sleep. I went to bed at 8pm, aimed to sleep by 9pm as per previous day. I was in and out of sleep. I doubt I went to deep sleep much but I was always coming back out of sleep however at the END OF THE 2 LOOPS, around 2hours and 15mins I woke up and checked my phone for the time and to see if the sub was still playing.

I needed a bathroom break twice during the night cant recall if this was the reason I woke up but it did make me wonder how it was significant that the loops end and then im awake..... hmmm?

I also due to constantly waking recall I had a dream, that was violent and worrying. I didnt like the dream. It wasnt a horror kind of dream more violent and upsetting. I dont recall the dream fully now want to repeat it here suffice to say if these are the kinds of dreams I have every night (I dont recall my dreams at all when I wake usually) then no wonder im living a fearfully fucked up life.

Anyway I couldnt sleep and eventually got up at 5am rather than the planned 6am.

That is OFv3 working.  You may want to listen to your loops in the morning instead.

Oh wow im executing!!!!!!!!!!

Ill see if I can, thank you, otherwise night time is way more convenient. I can stick to it more at night too, as in I can be consistent with the nightly listens.

Just reading this has made me want to increase the loop to 3 times a day but I have an exam this week so ill wait until after. 

4) I was making breakfast and suddenly on my white microwave as I was stood there with a plate that a small spider came from NOWHERE and skuttled across the surface of the roof of the microwave startling me with...you got it FEAR!!! I after a second or 2 then tried to compose myself that nothing to be afraid of and also to think where the heck is OF lol I then worked on a superb plan of action to remove said spider, a plan even Colonel John Hannibul Smith from the A-Team Tv Show would be proud off that involved a paper towel and a quick grab squeeze panic and throw manouver ive perfected over the years......but when I returned with my chosen weapon of destruction the spider was nowhere to be seen.

This incident alone made me wonder if OF is working or not but also that after 30 days with only 5 more months left, I have a long long way to go.

This kind of thinking makes me wonder about you.  Do you get on a train and then sit down and poof, you're there?  Or do you travel from where you started to where you're going over time?  It's a journey, Jake, not a binary experience.  This sort of thing is why you can't see it working.  You are either intentionally or unintentionally having ridiculous expectations of all at once results.  Given how bonenheaded stubborn you have been in the past, just having concrete signs that it's working at all (sleep interruption) is a fantastic first step. You are going to have to take steps.  OF does not work on every fear at once.  It has a strategy that will work on select fears and then when they're done, the next set of select fears.  If I tried to force you to overcome all your fears at once, your head would explode.

I hear you lol It was just how I felt in that moment but now that I am aware im executing cos you said im even more eager to give this sub all I have :-) 6 years later and finally we are making progress my friend!    

5) Yesterday was a productive day. After the journal update I got on with my most pressing task for the day - working on the next exam which is only days away.

That does not sound like procrastination, which is a good sign.

A VERY VERY GOOD SIGN!!! I know that my mental thinking is still not clear, as if there is a fog when it comes to taking all the necessary steps yet some fog has cleared because yes when i have a task planned and aimed to do this time im making it happen if only a little at this stage but its happening :-) 

Over the past 2 months whilst being in the UK and maybe a few weeks before that I learnt of time blocking and have been eager to put it into action when I got back to uni. During the 2 months away I was thinking about what I need to do when i get back and how to get myself into gear. Ive been feeling motivated to do this but I always have when I go home and then when I return to uni i lose all that motivation or rather I have something inside but taking action is super super hard. However I mentioned this mental fog and so I feel less stressed or anxious, and a little more fogless in knowing what I want to do or need to do in terms of tasks. 

So as my update after this post will reveal even today ive got on with it. I think having a priority of Sleep, sleep times of waking and getting up in itself has made me more time conscious. I am aware that past a certain time I will do nothing except focus on getting to bed on time and thus winding down. This has made me aware of the limited time in the day I have so ive been trying to get on with this as best as I can which is still 10% if not more better than where I have been before. Im trying not to get too excited as I know I need to just stay consistent but I have a whole plan or series of goals that I want to reach and it all starts with this sub and sleep.

6) Today I so far made breakfast a big breakfast followed by quick microwavable pancakes and tea. I spoke to my friend on the phone and then got him off quick so that I could focus on todays goals. Due to waking early and trying to focus my self around sleep ive become more focused on getting things done in the day and not wasting time which is great.

Endlessly amusing when people (including me) use grammar vaguely.  Might want to re-read what you wrote there.

hahahaha I got him off the phone quick hahahahaha hahahahahahaha oh wow Shannon well spotted hahahaha

I think the rest of you can forgive that faux pas lmao haha

haha

on another note i after endless attemps for the past god knows how many minutes have managed to quote some what correctly and reply the way ive always wanted too.... I tried and I kinda succeeded.... this ill give to the sub too!!! :-) I think some quotes arent there but oh well im trying.

addendum: I went back had a look and corrected it further so I think ive got it right this time - the quoting that is! excellent!

[CatMan]

I spoke to my friend on the phone and then got him off quick so that I could focus on todays goals. Due to waking early and trying to focus my self around sleep ive become more focused on getting things done in the day and not wasting time which is great.

Endlessly amusing when people (including me) use grammar vaguely.  Might want to re-read what you wrote there.

LMAO, best post of the day.

Many amuse.

Much laugh.

Cachinnation.

[Jake2015]

Day 33 ON - Sun 20 June - ON#2 - part 2

1) @Shannon's reply above had made my day! knowing that im executing and being told helps a great deal for someone like me that has had it hard the past 6 years in trying to execute!! Cant wait to see where I am after 6months as now things can only get better and better! if I can execute even if its just a start then believe me you all can with these subs so hang in there anyone reading this and finding themselves unsure. If theres a tough case it wont have been anyone as tough as me thats a given!!

2) So today, not felt like being productive but mentally I thought ok ive given myself a task to do today, which continues from yesterday and I wanted to complete it if I could today. I decided to get up and start it and do it in small 10, 15, 25, 30 mins chunks with breaks in between, like the pomodoro method though this wasnt studying or anything to do with academics but more a chore that I had to do. Ive done 100% as planned today.

3) Tomorrow I can continue this task with the next part of it and hopefully complete it which will then mean that its out of the way and I can then progress ahead with the next steps and goals I have including the exam this week too.

4) Just on phone to my friend about the said exam and what he needs to do. We can chat for a long time however as my bed time nears its enabled me to tell him I need to speed things up. Doesnt mean things are speeded up but its enabled us to be somewhat laser focused on what we want to discuss. He doesnt respect other peoples times and goes on and on so I was able to tell him I need to sleep and that kept the convo on track and now im off the phone and concluding this post.

5) The girl I had oneitis for I saw is back on the chat app I met her on. I am not on the chat app i left it but I created an alias incase I wanted to go back though I dont as its a time waste and drain but anyway shes on there. I felt a little oneitis creep up and then I thought fuck it I can do better lol I deserve better.

6) A girl who hasnt messaged me for atleast 1 maybe 2 months got back in touch with me today and so things are looking up haha

5) Nothing else to share, my body is beginning to wind down now and so thats all data for now.


tomorrow off day number 1.

[Jake2015]

I spoke to my friend on the phone and then got him off quick so that I could focus on todays goals. Due to waking early and trying to focus my self around sleep ive become more focused on getting things done in the day and not wasting time which is great.

Endlessly amusing when people (including me) use grammar vaguely.  Might want to re-read what you wrote there.

LMAO, best post of the day.

Many amuse.

Much laugh.

Cachinnation.

hahahaha bro!

I learnt a new word today too "cachinnation" :-)

[Jake2015]

Day 34 OFF - Mon 21 June - OFF#1 - part 1

1) got to bed at 8pm, fell asleep maybe 8.45pm. WOKE at 10.44pm. Just 2hrs later I wake ridiculous. I failed to get back to sleep after this. Time is now 1.33am. I have sat at my desk in living room eating cereal and watching youtube. lol

2) I recall the dream I have when I woke. Im hoping this doesnt break any forum rules but if you have seen the movie Die Hard 2, set in the cold winter season around an airport well my dream had this similar setting. Its in an airport. There are passengers trying to enter at the gate but the door wont open. The door they are at is the outer door. Then there is an inner door with large buttons. I am there trying to open the door for them but it wont open. In the room im in are other people all frantic cos the door wont open for them and on the other side of this small gate room is another door on the other side passes 1 or 2 members of airline or airport staff and they yell to me to open the box. Im stood there thinking "what fucking box" there is no box all i see are these 2 or 3 buttons which dont work.

After a short time another member of staff comes, a mature greying man dressed like his a higher authority perhaps a captain and he says same, to open the box. I then look at what could be a cover, and this the idiots must be referring to this and it pulls up to reveal another button or 2 so I hit it and then I think I turn a large while on this side of the outer door and the door opens allowing these passengers in. Theres only a few and now its reminded me as I type this like this is some scene from the 1982 John Carpenter classic movie called The Thing lol

Now as everyone comes in and shakes off the ice and snow and sleet and cold there is a room somewhere behind me and suddenly people say that there is a man or a figure there moving but they see its a dark shadow of a man moving in that room.

I cant recall the rest but I think I say to someone that ok come with me and I venture into that room to see and then I think I woke up.

Thats it really. Now come on whoever is reading this, be honest wasnt that way way better than the rubbish movies "The Last jedi or rise of skywalker" right? lmao

Anyway thats all for now and im totally not happy that my efforts to fix my sleep have fucked up quite royally but im not tired though my eyes are heavy. I dont want to go to sleep so ill linger on youtube a little longer and eat myself to happiness. munch munch munch

[Jake2015]

Day 32 OFF - Mon 21 June - OFF#1 - part 2

1) I wanted to add that whilst trying to sleep (see part 1) that a song I had playing amongst a large number of songs in a playlist kept playing in my mind. Its annoying when that happens.

2) Its now 4.14am and ive sat watching youtube and playing on my phone and eating but not gone back to sleep nor had the urge too. I think waking at 6am is going to be hard.

3) From this a lesson I think ive learnt is to realise that after 1 or 2 or 3 days of hitting my goals I need to take a break of 1-2 days. This is just for now until I can get to a 5 -7 days a week habit of working on my goals. For now i need to realise if im unable to sleep then I should just chill out perhaps.

4) this is my day off and I cant sleep, so I may not increase to 3 loops a day but still to 2 loops for now.

[Shannon]

Try switching to morning exposure. Being unable to sleep seems to be tied to the subconscious trying not to process the stuff being asked of it while you sleep. If you give it more processing time before you try to sleep, (listening just after you wake up) that should help.

[Jake2015]

Try switching to morning exposure.  Being unable to sleep seems to be tied to the subconscious trying not to process the stuff being asked of it while you sleep.  If you give it more processing time before you try to sleep, (listening just after you wake up) that should help.

Thanks alot mate, yeah ill have to consider this and see if I can do the 2loops (2hrs) in the morning otherwise may have to be sometime in the day. Night time was the best such a pity.

[Jake2015]

Day 34 OFF - Mon 21 June - OFF#1 - part 3

1) Think I finally managed to fall asleep around 7.30am or 8.30am I cant be too sure but I woke around 10.30am and that was it for me, I then got up and sat up enjoying youtube lol What a terrible nights sleep.

2) I think there is some anxiety within as I have an exam tomorrow or its a combination of the exam and the fact that im not reaching my goals, theres always some obstacle or hiccup on the way or it may just be the sun and heat i dunno but todays been an ok day otherwise so far.

3) There seems to be a fear or apprehension or hesitation in trying something new. For example ive lived in this uni apartment for years and never once have I connected the tv to my laptop to work from. its usually only been at the start to watch movies. It wasnt until couple of friends suggested it to me and that I saw their home offices when in the UK that I thought why the heck didnt I do this.

Based on this I brought back 2 new long phone charging cables, the USB c kind as mine have withered and will disintergrate at any time. I seem to be hesitant in trying them until my exam is over, and ive no idea why. When i think about it, its as if im afraid of things going wrong if i try them now or put thought into them and I want my mental energy and focus to be on the exams. I think well atleast I think this is the reason or thought behind it.

To me this is a fear of failure and thus perfectionism. I mentioned this in this journal too. Its clear to me that failing failure and perfectionism and procrastination and laziness are really my issues and so im hoping OF 3 really digs deep and removes this and all such fears from my mindset. That is when I will get true power!!

[Jake2015]

ok so I should be on day 34 if my counting is correct.

I seem to have got the counting wrong somewhere :/

After my exam tomorrow, and during this week ill have to read my journal and figure out where I lose 2 days.

[MagicalAlchemist]

ok so I should be on day 34 if my counting is correct.

I seem to have got the counting wrong somewhere :/

After my exam tomorrow, and during this week ill have to read my journal and figure out where I lose 2 days.

I suggest you installing tracker app on your smartphone to prevent forgetting to schedule.

I use this app for tracking my listening schedule.
https://github.com/iSoron/uhabits/

[Jake2015]

ok so I should be on day 34 if my counting is correct.

I seem to have got the counting wrong somewhere :/

After my exam tomorrow, and during this week ill have to read my journal and figure out where I lose 2 days.

I suggest you installing tracker app on your smartphone to prevent forgetting to schedule.

I use this app for tracking my listening schedule.
https://github.com/iSoron/uhabits/

Thank you bro ill check this out now.

[Jake2015]

Day 35 OFF - Tue 22 June - OFF#2

I will stick to the current count of days as usual until I recount and figure out where my counting went wrong. Official day is probably 35days on the sub I think.

Anyway...

1) Wasnt tired. Slept I dunno maybe 1.30am and alarm at 6am woke me for my exam.

2) Did my exam.

3) On the way to the exam a student from my group (a dick) rolled up in his car some expensive Audi model but I didnt even notice it. I dont notice what I see as everyday brands lol and I didnt realise until he asked me for confirmation of exam location that his intentions may have been to brag about the car. My friend who was with me is the one who suspected this intention.

4) On the way to the exam, I was a little insecure of how I looked not much.

5) waiting outside the exam hall I dont think I was feeling insecure amongst all the other students.

6) I wore a tight fitting - what looked to be small in size - N95 mask and some students behind me sniggered and made a comment. I heard so I turned around and with my hands said (come on guys - like im right here) and then 1 of them said "we were saying how your suffocating behind your mask" giggling and I said yeah well yours masks are shit, I have an N95 which is whats needed in this pandemic. That comeback just came out. He then said "yeah we know and were struggling to breathe too but so are you". It seemed as if he became a little submissive to my comeback.

7) In the exam I felt maybe 5-10% nerves this time but I didnt feel the fear as much as before.

8) Exam done, I came out and saw everyone was stood in their respective cleeky groups and i as an outside could not really join any but then saw 1 student alone so went to him to make BS chit chat about the exam as I felt it would be weird and embarrasing to just walk away and then approached a not so threathening cleeky group to give my expert advice on the exam I just sat as they were going to sit the exam straight after. Due to distancing 1 exam is now done twice in the day.

9) My friend came out and then we went off. We went to a department that we would have lessons for next to see if we could basically miss those lessons and we couldnt find the head of the department. What we found was another teacher and boy was she HOT to me and my eyes. But I could do nothing about it except remain friendly and cordially cos in my head were the following fears...

"im too fat why would she even consider me"
"im only at this uni another 6months and so whats the point since ill then return back to the UK and she wont come all the way there and I wont be lingering around here"
"I have no time for her or a relationship, I need to focus on my goals these remaining 6months and goals I have a lot of, 1 of which is playing this sub without any excuse lol

So I took the chance to just shake her hand and let it go there, found the professor we needed after she directed us where to find him and that was that.

10) After that everything was usual for me so nothing new and I got home and was motivated and energetic to try and get some daily tasks and goals done. The time of the exam was 8am, I woke at 6am, I got home at 12pm and showered etc and was ready by 1pm in my apartment..... but....

11) ....instead of eating something (first meal of the day) I instead had something on my mind regarding my phone and how it could help track my fitness as losing weight and getting fitter is 1 of my goals this year so I couldnt figure it out. I could have prioritised by making eating food number 1 and then moving on to this later but the desire to focus on this and not to get up and make food took over so after not finding the answers I gave the manufacturers support line in the UK a call. ....

12) i spoke to a guy the line got cut after a minute so I called back and this time a female picked up. She was cool, professional but she seemed nice and to cut a long story short I gave her the option to stay in touch if she wished. She had my number as part of needing to create an account/report/log of this call and this told her she could use my number and whatsapp me or contact me anonymously on the numerous apps that allow text and telephony. I didnt know if she would take the offer or not. Suffice to say I realised from this that my online game, my PHONE game isnt an issue. Clearly my image, my inability to work on my image and thus my face to face game is now shit. Whereas growing up my looks go me something now nothing gets me anything except the friend zone.

13) within a minute or 2 she messaged me and we exchanged some banter back and forth even though she was at work. Shes gone quiet for a while which is fine as I prefer talking on the phone than texting so if she gets back to me and wants a phone call then ill go for it.

14) At the same time as she texted me anonymously I began making some treat food since I thought why not.

15) after eating the food i am exhausted!!! my feet and legs are tired from walking and standing around today and I think from eating late as well as only getting 4-5hrs sleep as led to me feeling thoroughly lazy, and tired and just exhausted. I wanted to get on with doing some tasks today but today has become a washout or whatever the term is to mean its erm done with, lost, gone, etc - if anyone knows the word do share for no prize but for sheer indulgence lol

16) I am now tired, its 9.15pm here and I cant be bothered doing anything even though Ive done the odd washing of dishes here and there.

17) So tomorrow will be my day ON again of 2 loops. I have a feeling of increasing the loops but I dont want to yet as I want to test this 2 loop out. Is it really affecting my sleep or not? Is it doing anything or is it not?

Shannon said to maybe listen in the day. That is possible but knowing myself I would be concerned if I suddenly move away from my phone during the 2hours of whether I just walked away too far for the US to actually reach my ears or not. I dont at home wear anything but convenience night clothes and live like a hobbo/sloth and these attires lack pockets so having a phone ON me wont be likely and holding the phone in my hand if I walk around my apartment is usual but again I would stress whether the phone was too far from my ears. When I usually play the sub, the phone is close to my pillow in some manner and I just hit play and sleep.

So ill continue listening at night for now and continue to create more posts of data to see if there is any significance to my sleep being disturbed or not. I also have suspected last night that perhaps my room has started to get too warm due to the summer here and thus this caused my inability to sleep. Its something for me to consider so ill possibly bring out my cooling fan tonight and set that up so that I can see if temperature or the sub is the culprit.