"I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023

[Ampersnd]

Day 78,

I am better at noticing where I am full of shit. A pretender who acts like he's more than what he is.
I was 'off' my usual routine today, and I passed on some opportunities to sit down and work on my core project.

Am I a bullshitter, who simply says that he wants to accomplish his purpose? Or am I going to be a freight train, a force of nature? My actions will tell.

[Ampersnd]

Day 80,

I'm feeling some of the most aggressive urgency than I've ever had. Urgency to make moves in areas that will bring fulfillment on my life.
I recognize this feeling, and I distinctly recall two moments in the past half-decade where I've felt this urgency and quickly manifested things that I had wanted.

To explain, those moments were when I had decided that a specific goal would no longer just be "nice to have" and I felt the immediate need to make it into a reality. It was a decision that I must have it.

Within 10 days of that shift, the ball started rolling and things started to happen to make it real.
For the first example, I wanted a job in my profession; when I made the stern decision that I would have it (on a Sunday), I was contacted by a company that I had previously interviewed on the Monday. I didn't like the contract, so I ignored it. They reached back out to me the next day. I got on the phone with them the next day, then with the VP the next day. Then got offered the position with better terms on Friday.

Note: Feeling emotionally fragile. On the verge of tears if I don't clamp things down.

[Ampersnd]

Day 83,

I'm watching lengthy "old" Kevin Samuels videos - they're all old because he died last year - and it feels like a download straight to my brain.
I feel like I'll be doing a shopping spree like I did on Day 1. Items for my house, skin routine, nail care, minor pieces clothing that I've been putting off buying.
A really good clip is called "Grown Man Training".

I'm really wanting to get into business for myself, so that there is no cap on my income. That, and considering the above-normal price of upkeep to becoming a man of value. Yes, a lot of it can be superficial, but it involves checking every possible box, and leaving no room for chance.

[NOMAD]

Day 80,


Note: Feeling emotionally fragile. On the verge of tears if I don't clamp things down.

I'm just now seeing this. "Emotionally fragile" is an accurate description for the way I've been feeling lately. But I've also felt the opposite, although it's fleeting. In my offline journal, I used the word "invincible" to describe the way I felt one day. That's part of why I struggle to understand Maverick.

Duke's recent post has shed some light on that for me.

[Ampersnd]

Day 84,

Two things:

1) My hair has to go. I've contemplated on this for a while, but I feel an urgency to buzz it down. I have the 'John Wick 1' hair with a middle part, but it gets messy and hard to manage. I don't want my look to be affected by putting on/taking off headphones, a gust of wind, or removing clothing.

Part of my plan might involve going corporate, though I would ideally transition to freelancing, then an agency. But I'm thinking about branding, and an unreliable mop of hair just won't cut. Need to be sharp, clean, but with an edge.

Also, my neck and traps are growing developing nicely from a few weeks of specific training, meaning that I've laid a foundation for my face and head.

2) Had spent the past week feeling resentful for my parent's parenting. Lacked understanding and perspective. No instruction or direction. No encouragement, though they would be quick to criticize.

I still notice that our conversation revolves around details, and the conversation dried up when we ran out of details to talk about. I learned that bringing up goals and dreams would get shut down.

I noticed that I felt a bit embarrassed and ashamed when I told my mom that I might miss out on their dinner to go to a first date dinner (but those plans fell through).

However, a lot of that went away when I realized that they were grooming me to do as well as them, much more quickly. And that came true, despite with a fair amount of baggage I have to work through.


Side note: Had a really good approach at the gym today. She has a boyfriend, but I spoke about random bullshit and related to her pretty profoundly.

[Ampersnd]

Day 85,

Haircut booked today.
I've hit on a paradox that explains why my look and appearance is gradually becoming more 'corporate' and clean-cut.

• Maverick is, among other things, about self-optimization and standing out from the pack
  
• One's first instinct to hearing 'forging your own path' or 'trailblazing' is often to phase out common society.
  
• But, to err from the 'group' (i.e. society) means missing out on social and cultural cues, opportunities, and learning the KPIs that the group values and ranks itself by.
  
• To act out of sync with these social mores indicates to others that you are not equipped to know the rules, let alone play by them.
  
• Being out of sync with the group means that you are seen as unreliable and untrustworthy.
  
• To trailblaze, you have to know where the oft-used paths are, and understand how these paths are used. Otherwise, you won't even know if you're trailblazing, or simply taking the long way to do something that the oft-used paths are already doing. At that point, you're digging your own grave in the least efficient way.
  

Neo had to understand what the Matrix was and how the Matrix works in order to bend its rules. Without the first two steps, he wouldn't know whether he was bending or abiding by them.

Therefore, I'm cleaning up my image to be able to venture in and out, if I so choose.

I think that the above paradox explains why there has been a growing group of men who call themselves 'sigma' or 'MGTOW' when in reality:

• They don't even understand what women want or like
  
• They have little to no experience with women, socially, romantically, or sexually
  
• They lack the social skills to gain that experience with women
  
• They lack the network to create social opportunities 
  
• They don't have a well-laid wardrobe, or a distinctive style
  
• They don't know how to fight or handle business if shit hit the fan
  
• Their physique, grooming, and hygiene are not optimized
  
• They're racked with traumas, resentments, and anti-social tendencies that push people away
  
• They have no discipline, growth-related hobbies (i.e., video games are fun, but don't push you to grow) such as music, art, or martial arts
  
• They have a passive approach to relationships and let the other person do the planning.
  
• AND.. they have cut themselves off of their lifelines; bad-mouthing counselling, therapy, and academic research
  

Therefore, they are actually total pussies who are not even in the position to reject society.  Society would not embrace them to begin with. 
They wouldn't even be seriously considered by the women that these men claim would "rake them over the coals in family court." What family?
That's like saying that everyday, I'm "turning my back" to hundreds of 5-million-a-year CEO positions; those positions would not take me, so why am I pretending that I have veto power?

Ambivalent detachment is so overrated, and I'm learning that it is refuge to those with no one wishing to be attached to them.

TL;DR: You need to know what society values, and how it works, to be able to forgo it in any meaningful way.

[Ampersnd]

Post-Haircut:

Cut off most of hair, and it's now a 2-4 fade. It has added 1 or 2 points to my overall face "look", and completes my look at the gym, as well as in dressy clothes.
The very shaggy look helped hide my face from the world. My growing traps/neck also made the long hair look weird, especially if it got sweaty, messy, or untidy.

INSTANTLY, got choosing signals galore. Women at the gym, who would often pretend that I was not RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THEM - even after speaking with them on a handful of occasions, and remember me when I speak to them again (sigh, women) - gave me direct eye contact, acknowledgement, brief words exchanged. New women were staring at me. It felt nice. This matches what I already believed that I deserve.

This should get interesting.

[Ampersnd]

Day 87,

Noticed the following:

• Not able to fall asleep, and I'm more restless. Wasn't able to sleep in or go back to sleep today.
  
• Forgetting to wear my smart watch to track sleep. I wake up and remember that I'm wearing my fancy watch.
  
• I'm wearing my fancy clothes inside the house, during and outside of work hours.
  
• I'm on 31 days noFap; I know that the Maverick sales page alluded to NoFappers as a disqualifier, but this resolve happened during my Maverick run. I started off being hypersexual in month #2, and had two women on rotation, then a very hot third came along, then the two started to fade. The last time I came was in the hottest girl's pussy. (condomed, of course). I was being a bit reckless, going without a condom with one of them (depending on her cycle), and pulling out. I don't recommend it
  
• I'm longing for a beautiful woman. I see a pretty woman on a thumbnail, and I'm thinking: "why is she soooo hot!" Why, God!" The thirst is real.
  
• My "look" and confidence from Day 1 is completely different from what it is today.
  

[Ampersnd]

Day 87B,

Another paradox:
If you truly lived like you would die tomorrow, your life would devolve into chaos.

If I had 24 hours, I would drive out of town to be with my family. But I don't live like that, so am I a hypocrite?
If I had 6 to 12 months, I would go travelling around the world, but I don't, because I am accountable for the likely 40-50 years after those 6-12 months are gone. But then again, it could be 5-10 years; does the logic still stand?

I would instead picture one day as a brick. You can place it wherever you'd like, but you only build a meaningful life if you place it at the same spots each day. You need to put as many bricks in the places that matter to you. You could even build an empire with enough days - and enough of other peoples' days (employees, etc.).

You might be cut down before you can do that, but that approach has the highest likelihood of success.

[Ampersnd]

Day 88,

Overnight, for the first time in my life, I had a sex dream where I had enough sex to orgasm (in my dream) and experience sexual satisfaction. Was not a wet dream (have never had that before).

Previously, I've had many dreams where I meet an interested woman, and we plot to find a quiet spot to have sex, but I keep running into people and am given side quests. The sex would never happen. Otherwise, the dreams were about sexual escalation - kissing, boobs, maybe - but never like above.

Perhaps a subconscious breakthrough.

[Z-Man]

Day 88,

Overnight, for the first time in my life, I had a sex dream where I had enough sex to orgasm (in my dream) and experience sexual satisfaction. Was not a wet dream (have never had that before).

Previously, I've had many dreams where I meet an interested woman, and we plot to find a quiet spot to have sex, but I keep running into people and am given side quests. The sex would never happen. Otherwise, the dreams were about sexual escalation - kissing, boobs, maybe - but never like above.

Perhaps a subconscious breakthrough.

Did you get the full orgasm without a real women?

[Ampersnd]

Day 88,

Overnight, for the first time in my life, I had a sex dream where I had enough sex to orgasm (in my dream) and experience sexual satisfaction. Was not a wet dream (have never had that before).

Previously, I've had many dreams where I meet an interested woman, and we plot to find a quiet spot to have sex, but I keep running into people and am given side quests. The sex would never happen. Otherwise, the dreams were about sexual escalation - kissing, boobs, maybe - but never like above.

Perhaps a subconscious breakthrough.

Did you get the full orgasm without a real women?

In the dream, yes. Not otherwise.

[Ampersnd]

Day 89,

Played my dose today. On Duke's advice, I will be enacting a 2-3 week break from Maverick Loops.

Here's a simplification of the last half of my Day 85 post:
"Many will confuse the boundaries drawn by their fears, shames, and previous failures with enlightened, self-regulating, and righteous wisdom."

[Ampersnd]

Day 89(B),

Feels like my identity is being pulled into two. And it's emotionally painful.
There's a static side of myself that's used to the status quo - which isn't very much - and it's resisting the side of myself that wants to grow and explore and to express.

I want to create a business and grow it.
I want to level up in my coding skills and to get a better-paying job.
I want to move to a specific metropolitan/international city in my country.
I want to hit up the exciting clubs and lively streets and flirt with pretty women.

Mix that in with my current "NoFap" - and "noPussy" - streak, and it's clear that the 'express' side of me wants to express more and more.
Yesterday, I drove past two total babes walking on a major street. I would have had to park my car and run across the street to hit them up, which would have been weird. Feels like life is passing me by.

It's actually painful. But only because I won't cross certain lines; I'm not about to simp, go on OnlyFans, or do foolish shit. For some reason, I'm obstinate about not wanting to take the easy way out and yank it.
I did message a previous match on IG today after seeing a thirst trap of hers. Left on read. Lesson learned. No free attention.