Have you no shame? - OGSF 5G | EPRHA 2.0

[LionKing]

Sarge, you asked if I can relate to your experience and I wasn't there, so I just wrote what came to my mind first and then drift off into my own musings. And yeah I wrote all those questions and all but its just thoughts I see are drifting in my mind, like sort of the ropes that hold all the tension in place. To be honest I don't really want to try to solve these things intellectually atm, I just really enjoy all the time I can have without thinking about everything in excess. Maybe it'll get me to a point where life seems useless, but that's not how it feels now. I don't want to spend the rest of my life solitude, nor do I want to spend it strenuously chasing something. Nor do I really want to decide right now how I do want to spend it. But that Emerson quote feels quite right, thanks Leonidas! I do want to engage with everything, but I want to do from a joyful place instead of escaping or attempting to fill the void.

Anyway, enjoy your day everyone!

E: It seems I perceive my own analytical mind as negative, and I don't want to engage it too much atm.

[SargeMaximus]

Sarge, you asked if I can relate to your experience and I wasn't there, so I just wrote what came to my mind first and then drift off into my own musings.

I know what you mean. I do the same if something's weighing heavily on my mind, it's all good.

And yeah I wrote all those questions and all but its just thoughts I see are drifting in my mind, like sort of the ropes that hold all the tension in place. To be honest I don't really want to try to solve these things intellectually atm, I just really enjoy all the time I can have without thinking about everything in excess. Maybe it'll get me to a point where life seems useless, but that's not how it feels now. I don't want to spend the rest of my life solitude, nor do I want to spend it strenuously chasing something. Nor do I really want to decide right now how I do want to spend it. But that Emerson quote feels quite right, thanks Leonidas! I do want to engage with everything, but I want to do from a joyful place instead of escaping or attempting to fill the void.

Anyway, enjoy your day everyone!

E: It seems I perceive my own analytical mind as negative, and I don't want to engage it too much atm.

Nothing wrong with your analytical mind, it has it's place. But no worries bro, enjoy your day.

[LionKing]

Yeah, looks like my newly-forming abundance state was so fragile that at the first sign of doubt I got a massive avoidance reaction. But of course afterwards its all good, these reactions show me what's still not congruent. Wanting control first, then approval.

Had a dream last night: first I was going through my day and there was something related to the subliminal that made me conclude that I'm now at least 10x more vulnerable. Then I went to sleep - at my childhood home - and was awoken from that dream by two hands trying to turn me over by my neck and shoulder. At 1st I thought its my mum, but then I started getting the impression it was more like some sort of ghost or ghoul floating horizontally in the air, pulling me. She/it was saying something, but I couldn't hear what it was. Then I really woke up, but still felt the hands pulling me for a second, and had that fear in my body for a while. Kinda cool actually, afterwards. On OF 4G I once woke up with this fear that someone was in my apartment one time, but no other instances like this that I can remember.

E: Looks like I'm back in that obnoxiously happy state again. This has that same ring as the Emerson quete to me:

My purpose was to come back more so into the world. Coming back to the world is to me, simply behaving as though the world is miserable and difficult as most people see it.

Lester Levenson. No Attachments, No Aversions

[LionKing]

Idk if I'm getting paranoid or what, but yesterday as I was walking past this department store at night I heard this loud high-pitched sound. At first I though maybe my ears are ringing from too much US use, but that wasn't it. I know there are speakers covering that whole outside area, because they sometimes play some sucky tunes out of them. So I took out my phone and Frequensee shows me a spike @ 20kHz - a little higher than IML subs. I then went through the same place today at daylight and yeah it was still there, I just hadn't noticed it before over the normal sounds of traffic. Here's what I was getting today:



Weird, huh?

[Raz]

Maybe it is something like THIS.

[LionKing]

No insects flying around this time of the year, though. Not even close.

[apollolux]

Re insect sounds - did you know the USDA actually has a program to analyze bug sounds? I know this because I was contracted to modernize it years ago. That screenshot is not one of bug sounds, that's either an US subliminal or speaker feedback

[LionKing]

@apollolux - that's cool! I almost feel like I should asks someone, but obviously I'd have to plough through who knows how many employees to even find anyone who might know what's up, and then obviously if I did find someone they'd just look at me like I'm weird - either because they really thought so, or because they'd try to make me go away. Yeah.

Day 25

I'm going through Larry Crane's Abundance course. I've started it maybe 3 or 4 times before, but never got past the first 2 audios. But now I'm really into it. Wants, resistance... desire to figure things out, have the answers, know what to do about it... disapproving myself, learning to give myself approval (easy & instant). Wanting approval, control, or to be safe.

In today's lesson I went through attachments and aversions toward money, alternating between the two, and then came the "squeezing a lemon question": "what if you could never, ever, ever again have any money?". Big emotions. Then as I felt it was so good, I decided to do a similar round on women right after. What'd be good about about having lots of women, what'd be bad, good, bad, ... then what if I could never even see any women, then not talk to any, then not have a meaningful relationship even again, then not have sex ever again, etc. I'll be doing these a few times in the near future.

What just struck me as I was doing this was: this is how growth usually happens in real life too! What I mean is that of course we have resistance, attachments and aversions towards everything all the time, but they're at a low intensity, so we can push them down. But in those moments where catastrophe strikes and all is lost, then were faced with the lemon situations. For example I remember one specific breakup, where I had the girl and then suddenly I didn't have her anymore - I could never, ever, see her again and my life had no meaning anymore and blaa blaa blaa, you know the drill. Or maybe "I can never see her again", "I can never see my kids/pets/house/friends again", and those kinds of lemon questions. All it does is it brings up all your attachments and aversions at the same time, and that situations is very real and feels so very dire that we hold on as hard we possibly can instead of letting go. Substitute very similar questions for the death of a loved one, loss of limb or health, loss of employment, etc. But then if we do manage to get through those things with time, much later on it might seem that there was growth happening because of those things. Because when we were faced with those feelings we were trying to avoid in a way where we couldn't escape them, we eventually let go of a lot of that. And maybe developed some trauma if it was too intense. For example, I just didn't think I could be that hurt by any breakup anymore, because I don't have nearly as much attachments and aversions as I used to have. Disclaimer: I'm not trying to belittle those horrible things I haven't even experienced, I'm just stating my theory/realization. My empathy goes to those struggling.

ION: A girl who I've been flirting with has been showing quite a bit of interest and even offered to drive me home out of the blue today (I accepted, even though I live very close by). Thing is, she sort of seems to be with this guy and she has a ring on her finger, but she's very open with everyone, talks to many men, I saw her leave her *whatever* waiting quite a while one time when she was talking to some dude, etc. Its just funny - I guess she's either very openly looking for a new candidate or just some variation while the dude is lingering around. Funny creatures.

[LionKing]

Day 27

So, I think I "get" how to release now. Without tapping and mostly without the Sedona questions, but just feeling it in my chest in this certain way and identifying it as one of the 3 wants, it just starts releasing right away. If it doesn't I'll kind of shift my perception on it like with Sedona's questions. But how I used to do it was: feel it, then disassociate from it (shift from 1st person to 3rd person "view") to ask myself the question and analyze how it feels (nice, not nice, warm, stinging, ...), then decide I would let it go, then go back into it (1st person), and it'd release for a short while. And then I'd do that again. Now its more like: feel it in my chest, then while remaining in 1st person "view", at the same time feel how it feels (adjectives, but without words), and then I'll very quickly shift into this state of releasing that I can keep up until its gone. It feels a bit like doing a reverse kegel, but from my chest and with not so much physical effort, but concentration or the will to not go away. I guess its just holding it without clenching, and also allowing it to leave. Yawning starts almost immediately, sometimes my eyes get a little wet, but no crying and such dramatics like with tapping. Feeling extremely peaceful and happy once I'm done with something.

There's just so much attachments and aversions to everything I've built up that I'm a little overwhelmed now that I see it. I went out yesterday and though quickly look at my attachments & aversions to it before hand. And just sat there for some 3 hours doing that, yawning all the time. Big changes though - very happy I did it. One thing that keeps creeping up while doing this is wanting to control the process, or to know and have the answers, to know what to do. A few times I had feeling of "there's just so much, its everyone, I just... (want to give up)". And of course that's exactly what I should do. Every time I noticed I was again hung up on wanting to figure things out and to know the right answer, and I let that go, I always noticed I already knew what I should and want to do. In two instances, specific text messages to certain people came to mind, but immediately afterward I wanted to ignore them and go back to figuring out what's the best thing for me to do right now, etc. Also I knew at that point the most natural thing is to just go out alone, but with that too I was instantly drawn back to wanting to figure out if its really the best choice and if maybe considering all these things that other option could be comparable and all that. But I did send those messages, and I did go out alone. And all three things produced exceptional results. Exceptional for me, I mean.

If I had to diagnose myself at this point, I'd say I had plenty of fears and grew up in solitude, and then that combined with introversion and a drive to succeed, I developed all kinds neurotic holding patterns by trying to wrestle down any and all of those fears and trying to force myself be what I wanted to be. Its all just a lot of tension holding tension in place. There is definitely a drive component that is a positive thing in me, but there's also a lot tension I'm holding to try to force myself to do or be something - like a forced drive, unnatural and requiring energy. It really is no wonder that I've always had a problem with being too tired all time. And that, in return, has of course just made me try harder, making me more tired, beating myself up, trying harder, etc.

^^I'm feeling fine btw, just journaling here. Between the blissful peace I get after letting go of a lot of stuff and then being shown and drawn back to what I just described above, the contrast is just so great it makes think there's so much of it... but, its a process. No point to make it too serious.


After letting go of some of that stress, I'm feeling quite drawn to AM again. More specifically, to that masculinity and drive. Sacral chacra mediation works noticeably well, too. But I can help but think that maybe with my inclinations to stress and hold onto things, AM might not be the best thing. Just now I also read Ben's post about about AM pushing you out of frustration, and yeah I'm definitely feeling disgusted towards frustration right now. When I ran SM, I liked the vibe more than AM because I felt more sharp & strong vs. more heavy & frustrated on AM. Towards the end of AM6 r2, I pretty much disliked everyone I didn't know and expected every interaction with women to turn sour at some point because they'd start giving me some stupid shit, or making faces or something. Now its way different, people are clearly liking my company and I'm liking theirs. Women come onto me in relaxed social settings. So I don't want to go back. Though I expect AM would be significantly different with me doing this work on attachments and aversions to keep my tendencies to tighten up at bay. The problem with SM was that it was too much about sex, but then again, I must've been very attached to sex and to getting results, so SM should be a different experience as well. I like SM for being happier than AM while still productive, but I guess all that manifestation and sexual performance content is a bit of waste for me atm.

I'd like some sort of happy middle ground: the happy drive, motivation and feeling of power and flirtatiousness from SM, and the general success, self validation, self-esteem and positivity from AM - without the frustration towards everything and without being too hung up on sex, performance and manifestation. But again, maybe that is already to be had with AM or SM while actively looking out for attachments and aversions if you're like me.

E: All that stuff brought up by AM is probably good - negative emotions indicate possibilities to let go and grow - but I was in such a state of resistance that I couldn't let them go. And its a paradox when all the I was running it (both times) I always felt like it did absolutely nothing, yet by the way I describe it afterwards it seems like it had a strong impact. Funny.

[LionKing]

Observing my reactions and remembering stuff, I'm thinking most of what I've labeled in myself as social anxiety - and thought was stemming from fear - is based on wanting approval. The anxiety symptoms then arise because of stress, and wanting to control the situation and my reactions (wanting approval again). There are some situations where I actually do feel wanting to be safe (fearful), but this low-key social anxiety isn't it. I've had this feeling that its not fear for a long time, but couldn't really place it anywhere else. And yes, one could always say its fear of disapproval or something, but that's the same as wanting approval. It doesn't feel like something dangerous would happen if I were to not get it; it feels more like I want it, but I know I'm probably not going to have it, so I try to use force to change the situation and myself so that I would - without knowing how to do it. This causes stress and pinging off the environment.

I'm thinking porn also conditions this. As all media that places beautiful women as sex goddesses, with the implication that we are nothing if we can't get them. But I really felt this yesterday as I was watching a bit of porn and was happy because I found many clips of just super super hot women I really liked - but damn was I disgusted about how I felt! "Oh she's so hot/great.. (I couldn't ever get that)". And that shame/regret thing that often comes after porn - I think its just this wanting approval of those goddess women in the clips, and then subconsciously knowing that they weren't really giving me approval, and they wouldn't in real life. Well, I do trust that I'm a great guy, but I mean they wouldn't show me instant attraction and approval in some glamorous social setting with plenty famous, high-status and manly porn stars around etc. And not having that ideal = not getting approval. I wanted to say that's guy Disney. So for women Disney would be the big fancy princess wedding, but for a guy it'd be this big pile of validation/approval of all the respect and attraction one should be getting in a party, think Tony Stark.

Anyway, feels empowering. And AM feels better and better.

[4Kingdoms]

I'm thinking porn also conditions this. As all media that places beautiful women as sex goddesses, with the implication that we are nothing if we can't get them. But I really felt this yesterday as I was watching a bit of porn and was happy because I found many clips of just super super hot women I really liked - but damn was I disgusted about how I felt! "Oh she's so hot/great.. (I couldn't ever get that)". And that shame/regret thing that often comes after porn - I think its just this wanting approval of those goddess women in the clips, and then subconsciously knowing that they weren't really giving me approval, and they wouldn't in real life. Well, I do trust that I'm a great guy, but I mean they wouldn't show me instant attraction and approval in some glamorous social setting with plenty famous, high-status and manly porn stars around etc. And not having that ideal = not getting approval. I wanted to say that's guy Disney. So for women Disney would be the big fancy princess wedding, but for a guy it'd be this big pile of validation/approval of all the respect and attraction one should be getting in a party, think Tony Stark.

Anyway, feels empowering. And AM feels better and better.

I think you will agree that all super super hot women can be found anywhere and that they all don't do porn!!

Keep and open mind and go for it the next time you encounter a super super hot woman in real life!!

[SargeMaximus]

Hmm, I've not had the shame after porn thing since I got over [edited as per rule 4]. As for the approval thing, yeah I think it's cause we've been conditioned to think that women's approval = sex. I still struggle with that one, especially being so goal oriented.

[LionKing]

4Kingdoms: No, they probably don't all do porn And I think a part of what makes the image of the hotties in porn so hot is that its a clip where they're doing very hot things, are (un)dressed very sexy and they're only shot in select poses and are not stressed out of their minds like people in normal life. So its fantasy, and that's a part of what makes it so hot and unattainable.

Sarge: I've never been into [edited as per rule 4] and I don't think sex or masturbation is bad, but of course there's some shame left from SP. But after that I relate 100%. And btw, I never come to porn anymore (not for 1-2 years), so its a physical thing either. I'll feel fine and ready to do something else, but I know something is a little off.

[SargeMaximus]

Sarge: I've never been into religion and I don't think sex or masturbation is bad, but of course there's some shame left from SP. But after that I relate 100%. And btw, I never come to porn anymore (not for 1-2 years), so its a physical thing either.

You don't come to porn at all? That's crazy. I envy you. I actually wish I wouldn't come at all unless I decided to.

I'll feel fine and ready to do something else, but I know something is a little off.

What do you mean by this last part tho?