07-12-2016, 09:20 AM
Day 111
I experimented with DMSI 2.1 for 5 days or so (had a big event coming up), then took a day off and came back to E2 two days ago. I've tried to reduce all these side-tracking days from my E2 day counter here, so 111 represents the days I've actually been on E2. The OGSF and self-validation of course was also in DMSI 2.1.
Imo, DMSI is shaping up to be a really good program. Especially now with even more E2 components integrated into v2.2, I would switch over to that if women and getting laid was my focus atm. As it stands, I'm not exactly sure what my focus is, sex isn't critically important right now, and now that I've seen E2 bring up this sadness etc., I recognize that its something I'd be much better off without. So, sticking with E2 for now. Though I am moving, and the situation with the gf is that she is great and sexy, but I don't think we'll ever really really build anything out of it, so... I'll ride it out for now, but I know I'll be interested in dating in the (near) future. Also, I'm going to need a motivation boost as I'm starting at a new job, so even in that sense I might not afford to be on E2 that much longer. Anyway, I'm blabbering..
I think I know how I should relate to E2 now. I should relax into it. Duh.
So, think that you're afraid of something, but you need to function anyway. For example, your neighbor has a big-ass angry dog, and you need to walk just past it every day. Its scary, but you quickly learn you can sort of tense up and push that fear back, and holding that tension you can walk past it. And soon you can walk past it while talking on the phone. The tension is still there, but you've sort of forgotten about it.
I think for me its like I'm always putting this tension against something. I haven't fully mapped out what those things are, but it includes GSF and other things that trigger emotional pain (abandonment, social rejection, smt like that). Definitely includes hearing some older kids always calling me names and just trying to ignore that and stand tall and remain confident. I CAN function quite well, but I've learned I can do that if I can make myself feel really confident or energetic or sexy or something like that, which pumps me up so good that the relatively low amount of tension I still have to uphold doesn't feel that much. So now that's why I always feel I NEED. Ways to do this include coffee and pumping up my confidence in various ways, incl chest-up body language and clapping my hands and such. This is why I LOVED ASC when it was working; it got me what I felt I needed. I've always had trouble with maintaining energy levels, and I think this is at least part of the why. There might be a medical component to it as well, but idk and I'll not get into it.
I also think especially the PUA mentality/community/industry, and especially with my predisposition towards this, enforces this mentality that people (men, me) need to MORE than they are. And bars/club environments enforce this. Initially in PU you needed to be a performer and do magic tricks, then you just needed to be really really social and extroverted and indifferent, and then you just needed to be really sexual, etc etc etc. Sexual is my favorite since its most low-key and relaxed, but still. Its always pushing - not necessarily pushing myself to her, but pushing myself internally through that tension I hold. I did always notice that if I felt energetic, or I had to something grand like running across the street to get to her or something, I'd usually be fine. When I was pumped up mentally. But anything low-key or casual would be really difficult to get myself to do. Casual failure like catcalling = hardest thing in the world, big risk/effort failure = ha, that was fun!
I don't even want to hang out with my friends unless I'm feeling at least average energy, and I recognize the reason is because I think I will not be confident enough (most often), interesting/funny enough or whatever. If I don't have that extra juice to ignore the baseline level of tension I'm always holding onto in any social situation. That's why I've always had great difficulty holding relaxed eye contact e.g. at work, while I can hold steady-as-a-rock eye contact when I'm charged and sharing a moment with a hottie somewhere. I don't need alcohol, I just need the rush, and to give myself permission in that moment.
So, in conclusion, I think my challenge with E2 is try to always let go of that tension. Practical example: I go for a walk outside and I see I'm about to walk past 5 hotties eating and chatting outside at a cafe. Or I get into a conversation with anyone during the day. Reaction #1: my body language might or might not stiffen, or I might make sure my chest is up, or smt like that. Reaction #2: mentally, I'll stiffen, or sort of freeze a little bit actually. Like if you were to lift a deadlift at the gym, just before lifting you'd have this moment where you blow the air out and tense your core muscles, and there's a moment of blankness mentally. I sort of hold that, so that all my reactions are a little controlled. Of course I'll try to loosen up, but still sort of make sure that all the peaces are in my control. Then how I'll usually "do" confidence when I get like this is I'll sort of manually switch it on by force, and then I push it to being. So I feel that if I fully relaxed, I could not push the confidence, and thus I would have to be that weakling who isn't good enough, who doesn't impress, deserve respect, attention from women, etc, I guess. So I guess I have to try and embrace just being normal, or anything that I happen to be if let go of all control. With procrastination too: not thinking I'll do it when I'm feeling motivated and inspired, but just sort of move the required muscles with no extra tension and see it for what it is.
Holding eye contact while tired and not really wanting anything from the conversation. That's where it comes out. I feel like I should just have more energy to be more confident, like I should maybe be more expressive, or just sort of in general do or be more of something that I don't exactly know what, but I probably don't have the energy for it now - and that's why I tend to act more shy when tired. I'll stand my ground if need be, but I'll mostly look away and just focus on the words. Auditory is NLP terms, me thinks.
I know its a long post. Writing this out is therapeutic
I experimented with DMSI 2.1 for 5 days or so (had a big event coming up), then took a day off and came back to E2 two days ago. I've tried to reduce all these side-tracking days from my E2 day counter here, so 111 represents the days I've actually been on E2. The OGSF and self-validation of course was also in DMSI 2.1.
Imo, DMSI is shaping up to be a really good program. Especially now with even more E2 components integrated into v2.2, I would switch over to that if women and getting laid was my focus atm. As it stands, I'm not exactly sure what my focus is, sex isn't critically important right now, and now that I've seen E2 bring up this sadness etc., I recognize that its something I'd be much better off without. So, sticking with E2 for now. Though I am moving, and the situation with the gf is that she is great and sexy, but I don't think we'll ever really really build anything out of it, so... I'll ride it out for now, but I know I'll be interested in dating in the (near) future. Also, I'm going to need a motivation boost as I'm starting at a new job, so even in that sense I might not afford to be on E2 that much longer. Anyway, I'm blabbering..
I think I know how I should relate to E2 now. I should relax into it. Duh.
So, think that you're afraid of something, but you need to function anyway. For example, your neighbor has a big-ass angry dog, and you need to walk just past it every day. Its scary, but you quickly learn you can sort of tense up and push that fear back, and holding that tension you can walk past it. And soon you can walk past it while talking on the phone. The tension is still there, but you've sort of forgotten about it.
I think for me its like I'm always putting this tension against something. I haven't fully mapped out what those things are, but it includes GSF and other things that trigger emotional pain (abandonment, social rejection, smt like that). Definitely includes hearing some older kids always calling me names and just trying to ignore that and stand tall and remain confident. I CAN function quite well, but I've learned I can do that if I can make myself feel really confident or energetic or sexy or something like that, which pumps me up so good that the relatively low amount of tension I still have to uphold doesn't feel that much. So now that's why I always feel I NEED. Ways to do this include coffee and pumping up my confidence in various ways, incl chest-up body language and clapping my hands and such. This is why I LOVED ASC when it was working; it got me what I felt I needed. I've always had trouble with maintaining energy levels, and I think this is at least part of the why. There might be a medical component to it as well, but idk and I'll not get into it.
I also think especially the PUA mentality/community/industry, and especially with my predisposition towards this, enforces this mentality that people (men, me) need to MORE than they are. And bars/club environments enforce this. Initially in PU you needed to be a performer and do magic tricks, then you just needed to be really really social and extroverted and indifferent, and then you just needed to be really sexual, etc etc etc. Sexual is my favorite since its most low-key and relaxed, but still. Its always pushing - not necessarily pushing myself to her, but pushing myself internally through that tension I hold. I did always notice that if I felt energetic, or I had to something grand like running across the street to get to her or something, I'd usually be fine. When I was pumped up mentally. But anything low-key or casual would be really difficult to get myself to do. Casual failure like catcalling = hardest thing in the world, big risk/effort failure = ha, that was fun!
I don't even want to hang out with my friends unless I'm feeling at least average energy, and I recognize the reason is because I think I will not be confident enough (most often), interesting/funny enough or whatever. If I don't have that extra juice to ignore the baseline level of tension I'm always holding onto in any social situation. That's why I've always had great difficulty holding relaxed eye contact e.g. at work, while I can hold steady-as-a-rock eye contact when I'm charged and sharing a moment with a hottie somewhere. I don't need alcohol, I just need the rush, and to give myself permission in that moment.
So, in conclusion, I think my challenge with E2 is try to always let go of that tension. Practical example: I go for a walk outside and I see I'm about to walk past 5 hotties eating and chatting outside at a cafe. Or I get into a conversation with anyone during the day. Reaction #1: my body language might or might not stiffen, or I might make sure my chest is up, or smt like that. Reaction #2: mentally, I'll stiffen, or sort of freeze a little bit actually. Like if you were to lift a deadlift at the gym, just before lifting you'd have this moment where you blow the air out and tense your core muscles, and there's a moment of blankness mentally. I sort of hold that, so that all my reactions are a little controlled. Of course I'll try to loosen up, but still sort of make sure that all the peaces are in my control. Then how I'll usually "do" confidence when I get like this is I'll sort of manually switch it on by force, and then I push it to being. So I feel that if I fully relaxed, I could not push the confidence, and thus I would have to be that weakling who isn't good enough, who doesn't impress, deserve respect, attention from women, etc, I guess. So I guess I have to try and embrace just being normal, or anything that I happen to be if let go of all control. With procrastination too: not thinking I'll do it when I'm feeling motivated and inspired, but just sort of move the required muscles with no extra tension and see it for what it is.
Holding eye contact while tired and not really wanting anything from the conversation. That's where it comes out. I feel like I should just have more energy to be more confident, like I should maybe be more expressive, or just sort of in general do or be more of something that I don't exactly know what, but I probably don't have the energy for it now - and that's why I tend to act more shy when tired. I'll stand my ground if need be, but I'll mostly look away and just focus on the words. Auditory is NLP terms, me thinks.
I know its a long post. Writing this out is therapeutic
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
