05-30-2016, 11:45 AM
Day 86, I think
"who's making you do it?" is something I've been asking myself on multiple occasion throughout the last weeks. E.g. today I was thinking about E2 vs the new AoS: "why do I have to become this picture of serenity, why the hell couldn't I just strive towards that which I like in those other guys (energy, confident, directed, intense)?". Well, who's making me? Shannon? Nah, he's just making (awesome) programs. Its all on me, if I want to go that way, then that's what I can choose to do. Other examples would be: who's making me eventually get into relationships, who's making me do or not do something I wouldn't choose to do or not do on my own, etc. I do long for having a stronger sense of direction like I've had on other subs (and even off subs) - it seems my reaction to E2 is to be even more observant and open towards all kinds of stuff. Being more reactive than before (as opposed to self-directed). Hate that sometimes, as it feels weak. It does also feel good and free. Free to enjoy things. But no desire for even potential conflict. Passive.
Enjoying solitude and enjoying good company. Sometimes like today I'll feel something processing and I'll feel drawn for long walks, which are awesome. Today I felt like smiling and ended up doing an experiment to see if I could get people to smile (back) at me. No success :D On two walks, I tried a little to make contact with some, I guess, 50+ individual people on the street. One young woman, I instantly felt was almost giggly and would've smiled at me, though we ended up missing that. One older woman gave me a supremely suspicious look that made me laugh out loud afterwards. Other than that... nothing. People are just extremely careful to look away and not to make any contact, get out of danger as quickly as possible. And I wasn't staring or anything, I just had the intention to smile and I felt light, with E2 playing on ear plugs. Really feels like I'm alone in here. Such a contrast to a trip I made a while ago. Though I'm not saying the others are douches - its taken me this long to even properly try in this very anti-human environment, so why would I presume it'd be easy on them either. Hoping to progress from this careful, even shy, opening up of my behavior towards something more powerful. Soon.
"who's making you do it?" is something I've been asking myself on multiple occasion throughout the last weeks. E.g. today I was thinking about E2 vs the new AoS: "why do I have to become this picture of serenity, why the hell couldn't I just strive towards that which I like in those other guys (energy, confident, directed, intense)?". Well, who's making me? Shannon? Nah, he's just making (awesome) programs. Its all on me, if I want to go that way, then that's what I can choose to do. Other examples would be: who's making me eventually get into relationships, who's making me do or not do something I wouldn't choose to do or not do on my own, etc. I do long for having a stronger sense of direction like I've had on other subs (and even off subs) - it seems my reaction to E2 is to be even more observant and open towards all kinds of stuff. Being more reactive than before (as opposed to self-directed). Hate that sometimes, as it feels weak. It does also feel good and free. Free to enjoy things. But no desire for even potential conflict. Passive.
Enjoying solitude and enjoying good company. Sometimes like today I'll feel something processing and I'll feel drawn for long walks, which are awesome. Today I felt like smiling and ended up doing an experiment to see if I could get people to smile (back) at me. No success :D On two walks, I tried a little to make contact with some, I guess, 50+ individual people on the street. One young woman, I instantly felt was almost giggly and would've smiled at me, though we ended up missing that. One older woman gave me a supremely suspicious look that made me laugh out loud afterwards. Other than that... nothing. People are just extremely careful to look away and not to make any contact, get out of danger as quickly as possible. And I wasn't staring or anything, I just had the intention to smile and I felt light, with E2 playing on ear plugs. Really feels like I'm alone in here. Such a contrast to a trip I made a while ago. Though I'm not saying the others are douches - its taken me this long to even properly try in this very anti-human environment, so why would I presume it'd be easy on them either. Hoping to progress from this careful, even shy, opening up of my behavior towards something more powerful. Soon.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
