Day 43
I scheduled an update for myself this weekend, but there's not much concrete to say. I'd say I'm definitely calming down and I've been quite productive the whole week. There were one or two moments where I felt this despair over how much I need to, how hard everything is, how its too much, etc etc, but then it faded away both times. Listening times are higher again.
Someone mentioned it on the forum, so I've been reading The slight edge, and its a really good book. That's why I've been so productive doing little things will, in time, create big changes. The message is very simple, but to me its been very empowering, so I definitely recommend it to anyone who feels they can't get started on anything.
I was thinking something before, but it feels so distant already.. I was thinking that, like the book says, those little mundane actions that add up to great achievements over time are easy to do, and easy not to do. However, with women and social "training" they were never easy to (make myself) do. And I've been saying it hasn't really felt like fear, like fear of heights for example, in a long time. But I can see it as my ego's fear of death. Its not like the ego is separate from me, but this makes it clearer for me.
Since I've already had many short moments of success - those rock star moments in a bar/club where you have some 8 girls all trying to talk to you at the same time, and those other times when you just happen to be really "on" and everything is fun and you meet and/or pull some amazing girl - those were the moments my ego clutched onto as hard as it could. So, for example after running SM3, my ego was attached and trying to maintain this state where I'm feeling sexy and I hear women saying "he must be taken" as I walk by them in a club. However, in real life that was completely in the past and my present was something else entirely: I'd be distracted, anxious, feeling shy, and beat myself from not living up to what I remember being in those short memories. So I guess much of my social anxiety, and especially avoidance of going out, has to do with that inflated ego being afraid its going to die, because I'll never be able to live up to those expectations, and I'd have to face reality. And its not just about women, but social situations in general. For years I've had these great days, but then when thinking about going somewhere later on I'll feel very tired and even sad somewhat because I'll think its hopeless, I can't be that guy today (who I was being with zero effort before). Anyway, the mundane action of just going out for a bit (or approaching 2 per day) hasn't been easy to go, because it represents suicide for the ego, which brings up a feeling of hopelessness. Though its only a problem if I think about it, so its irrational. Not that I'm interested in going out or approaching at all at the moment, I've got other things on my mind.
Anyway, I'm quite proud about some of the work I did today.
I scheduled an update for myself this weekend, but there's not much concrete to say. I'd say I'm definitely calming down and I've been quite productive the whole week. There were one or two moments where I felt this despair over how much I need to, how hard everything is, how its too much, etc etc, but then it faded away both times. Listening times are higher again.
Someone mentioned it on the forum, so I've been reading The slight edge, and its a really good book. That's why I've been so productive doing little things will, in time, create big changes. The message is very simple, but to me its been very empowering, so I definitely recommend it to anyone who feels they can't get started on anything.
I was thinking something before, but it feels so distant already.. I was thinking that, like the book says, those little mundane actions that add up to great achievements over time are easy to do, and easy not to do. However, with women and social "training" they were never easy to (make myself) do. And I've been saying it hasn't really felt like fear, like fear of heights for example, in a long time. But I can see it as my ego's fear of death. Its not like the ego is separate from me, but this makes it clearer for me.
Since I've already had many short moments of success - those rock star moments in a bar/club where you have some 8 girls all trying to talk to you at the same time, and those other times when you just happen to be really "on" and everything is fun and you meet and/or pull some amazing girl - those were the moments my ego clutched onto as hard as it could. So, for example after running SM3, my ego was attached and trying to maintain this state where I'm feeling sexy and I hear women saying "he must be taken" as I walk by them in a club. However, in real life that was completely in the past and my present was something else entirely: I'd be distracted, anxious, feeling shy, and beat myself from not living up to what I remember being in those short memories. So I guess much of my social anxiety, and especially avoidance of going out, has to do with that inflated ego being afraid its going to die, because I'll never be able to live up to those expectations, and I'd have to face reality. And its not just about women, but social situations in general. For years I've had these great days, but then when thinking about going somewhere later on I'll feel very tired and even sad somewhat because I'll think its hopeless, I can't be that guy today (who I was being with zero effort before). Anyway, the mundane action of just going out for a bit (or approaching 2 per day) hasn't been easy to go, because it represents suicide for the ego, which brings up a feeling of hopelessness. Though its only a problem if I think about it, so its irrational. Not that I'm interested in going out or approaching at all at the moment, I've got other things on my mind.
Anyway, I'm quite proud about some of the work I did today.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
