Day 27
So, I think I "get" how to release now. Without tapping and mostly without the Sedona questions, but just feeling it in my chest in this certain way and identifying it as one of the 3 wants, it just starts releasing right away. If it doesn't I'll kind of shift my perception on it like with Sedona's questions. But how I used to do it was: feel it, then disassociate from it (shift from 1st person to 3rd person "view") to ask myself the question and analyze how it feels (nice, not nice, warm, stinging, ...), then decide I would let it go, then go back into it (1st person), and it'd release for a short while. And then I'd do that again. Now its more like: feel it in my chest, then while remaining in 1st person "view", at the same time feel how it feels (adjectives, but without words), and then I'll very quickly shift into this state of releasing that I can keep up until its gone. It feels a bit like doing a reverse kegel, but from my chest and with not so much physical effort, but concentration or the will to not go away. I guess its just holding it without clenching, and also allowing it to leave. Yawning starts almost immediately, sometimes my eyes get a little wet, but no crying and such dramatics like with tapping. Feeling extremely peaceful and happy once I'm done with something.
There's just so much attachments and aversions to everything I've built up that I'm a little overwhelmed now that I see it. I went out yesterday and though quickly look at my attachments & aversions to it before hand. And just sat there for some 3 hours doing that, yawning all the time. Big changes though - very happy I did it. One thing that keeps creeping up while doing this is wanting to control the process, or to know and have the answers, to know what to do. A few times I had feeling of "there's just so much, its everyone, I just... (want to give up)". And of course that's exactly what I should do. Every time I noticed I was again hung up on wanting to figure things out and to know the right answer, and I let that go, I always noticed I already knew what I should and want to do. In two instances, specific text messages to certain people came to mind, but immediately afterward I wanted to ignore them and go back to figuring out what's the best thing for me to do right now, etc. Also I knew at that point the most natural thing is to just go out alone, but with that too I was instantly drawn back to wanting to figure out if its really the best choice and if maybe considering all these things that other option could be comparable and all that. But I did send those messages, and I did go out alone. And all three things produced exceptional results. Exceptional for me, I mean.
If I had to diagnose myself at this point, I'd say I had plenty of fears and grew up in solitude, and then that combined with introversion and a drive to succeed, I developed all kinds neurotic holding patterns by trying to wrestle down any and all of those fears and trying to force myself be what I wanted to be. Its all just a lot of tension holding tension in place. There is definitely a drive component that is a positive thing in me, but there's also a lot tension I'm holding to try to force myself to do or be something - like a forced drive, unnatural and requiring energy. It really is no wonder that I've always had a problem with being too tired all time. And that, in return, has of course just made me try harder, making me more tired, beating myself up, trying harder, etc.
^^I'm feeling fine btw, just journaling here. Between the blissful peace I get after letting go of a lot of stuff and then being shown and drawn back to what I just described above, the contrast is just so great it makes think there's so much of it... but, its a process. No point to make it too serious.
After letting go of some of that stress, I'm feeling quite drawn to AM again. More specifically, to that masculinity and drive. Sacral chacra mediation works noticeably well, too. But I can help but think that maybe with my inclinations to stress and hold onto things, AM might not be the best thing. Just now I also read Ben's post about about AM pushing you out of frustration, and yeah I'm definitely feeling disgusted towards frustration right now. When I ran SM, I liked the vibe more than AM because I felt more sharp & strong vs. more heavy & frustrated on AM. Towards the end of AM6 r2, I pretty much disliked everyone I didn't know and expected every interaction with women to turn sour at some point because they'd start giving me some stupid shit, or making faces or something. Now its way different, people are clearly liking my company and I'm liking theirs. Women come onto me in relaxed social settings. So I don't want to go back. Though I expect AM would be significantly different with me doing this work on attachments and aversions to keep my tendencies to tighten up at bay. The problem with SM was that it was too much about sex, but then again, I must've been very attached to sex and to getting results, so SM should be a different experience as well. I like SM for being happier than AM while still productive, but I guess all that manifestation and sexual performance content is a bit of waste for me atm.
I'd like some sort of happy middle ground: the happy drive, motivation and feeling of power and flirtatiousness from SM, and the general success, self validation, self-esteem and positivity from AM - without the frustration towards everything and without being too hung up on sex, performance and manifestation. But again, maybe that is already to be had with AM or SM while actively looking out for attachments and aversions if you're like me.
E: All that stuff brought up by AM is probably good - negative emotions indicate possibilities to let go and grow - but I was in such a state of resistance that I couldn't let them go. And its a paradox when all the I was running it (both times) I always felt like it did absolutely nothing, yet by the way I describe it afterwards it seems like it had a strong impact. Funny.
So, I think I "get" how to release now. Without tapping and mostly without the Sedona questions, but just feeling it in my chest in this certain way and identifying it as one of the 3 wants, it just starts releasing right away. If it doesn't I'll kind of shift my perception on it like with Sedona's questions. But how I used to do it was: feel it, then disassociate from it (shift from 1st person to 3rd person "view") to ask myself the question and analyze how it feels (nice, not nice, warm, stinging, ...), then decide I would let it go, then go back into it (1st person), and it'd release for a short while. And then I'd do that again. Now its more like: feel it in my chest, then while remaining in 1st person "view", at the same time feel how it feels (adjectives, but without words), and then I'll very quickly shift into this state of releasing that I can keep up until its gone. It feels a bit like doing a reverse kegel, but from my chest and with not so much physical effort, but concentration or the will to not go away. I guess its just holding it without clenching, and also allowing it to leave. Yawning starts almost immediately, sometimes my eyes get a little wet, but no crying and such dramatics like with tapping. Feeling extremely peaceful and happy once I'm done with something.
There's just so much attachments and aversions to everything I've built up that I'm a little overwhelmed now that I see it. I went out yesterday and though quickly look at my attachments & aversions to it before hand. And just sat there for some 3 hours doing that, yawning all the time. Big changes though - very happy I did it. One thing that keeps creeping up while doing this is wanting to control the process, or to know and have the answers, to know what to do. A few times I had feeling of "there's just so much, its everyone, I just... (want to give up)". And of course that's exactly what I should do. Every time I noticed I was again hung up on wanting to figure things out and to know the right answer, and I let that go, I always noticed I already knew what I should and want to do. In two instances, specific text messages to certain people came to mind, but immediately afterward I wanted to ignore them and go back to figuring out what's the best thing for me to do right now, etc. Also I knew at that point the most natural thing is to just go out alone, but with that too I was instantly drawn back to wanting to figure out if its really the best choice and if maybe considering all these things that other option could be comparable and all that. But I did send those messages, and I did go out alone. And all three things produced exceptional results. Exceptional for me, I mean.
If I had to diagnose myself at this point, I'd say I had plenty of fears and grew up in solitude, and then that combined with introversion and a drive to succeed, I developed all kinds neurotic holding patterns by trying to wrestle down any and all of those fears and trying to force myself be what I wanted to be. Its all just a lot of tension holding tension in place. There is definitely a drive component that is a positive thing in me, but there's also a lot tension I'm holding to try to force myself to do or be something - like a forced drive, unnatural and requiring energy. It really is no wonder that I've always had a problem with being too tired all time. And that, in return, has of course just made me try harder, making me more tired, beating myself up, trying harder, etc.
^^I'm feeling fine btw, just journaling here. Between the blissful peace I get after letting go of a lot of stuff and then being shown and drawn back to what I just described above, the contrast is just so great it makes think there's so much of it... but, its a process. No point to make it too serious.
After letting go of some of that stress, I'm feeling quite drawn to AM again. More specifically, to that masculinity and drive. Sacral chacra mediation works noticeably well, too. But I can help but think that maybe with my inclinations to stress and hold onto things, AM might not be the best thing. Just now I also read Ben's post about about AM pushing you out of frustration, and yeah I'm definitely feeling disgusted towards frustration right now. When I ran SM, I liked the vibe more than AM because I felt more sharp & strong vs. more heavy & frustrated on AM. Towards the end of AM6 r2, I pretty much disliked everyone I didn't know and expected every interaction with women to turn sour at some point because they'd start giving me some stupid shit, or making faces or something. Now its way different, people are clearly liking my company and I'm liking theirs. Women come onto me in relaxed social settings. So I don't want to go back. Though I expect AM would be significantly different with me doing this work on attachments and aversions to keep my tendencies to tighten up at bay. The problem with SM was that it was too much about sex, but then again, I must've been very attached to sex and to getting results, so SM should be a different experience as well. I like SM for being happier than AM while still productive, but I guess all that manifestation and sexual performance content is a bit of waste for me atm.
I'd like some sort of happy middle ground: the happy drive, motivation and feeling of power and flirtatiousness from SM, and the general success, self validation, self-esteem and positivity from AM - without the frustration towards everything and without being too hung up on sex, performance and manifestation. But again, maybe that is already to be had with AM or SM while actively looking out for attachments and aversions if you're like me.
E: All that stuff brought up by AM is probably good - negative emotions indicate possibilities to let go and grow - but I was in such a state of resistance that I couldn't let them go. And its a paradox when all the I was running it (both times) I always felt like it did absolutely nothing, yet by the way I describe it afterwards it seems like it had a strong impact. Funny.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
