Day 10 (was off the sub for 2-3 days after the last post, so continued -1 day)
I'm fine, nothing too shocking. Though a lot of thinking has been going on and I'm feeling.. less obsessed/cornered about everything.
Ah, now that I remember, it seems any PE I still had has disappeared. Won't be missed. I meant to post that in earlier posts already.
As for realizations, I happened to read THIS great post by Stratos. Since then, I've been taking some breath, clearing my head, and looking at the landscape of my emotional state; seeing if there's anything I'm ignoring. If there is, I'll focus on it, let it amplify and just be with it, process. At a minimum, I'll do this every night when going to sleep. Surprisingly there's been a lot of sadness coming up. I'll have some weird situations where I'm laying bed, focusing a sad feeling, which, as it grows, tenses the muscles in my face, neck, jaw and eyes to be very much like I'd be crying, but I'm really I'm feeling fine on the inside. As the minutes go by, those muscles might even start to spasm so my whole body moves on its own. Eventually, in 10-30 minutes, it'll all release and I'll feel much better. My experience in the last days has been that I can listen to the sub more, and feel about it, if I clear the resistance in this way once in a while. Often I don't even feel bad, just a little off or tired, but then when I really look there will some small, nasty feeling that I'm avoiding. Though once you start magnifying it, you sort of need to see it to the end. I was out and I had this tiny tension that I magnified into a great panic that was a little difficult to get rid of while out with my friends.
At about the same I read several articles from some women's dating site: LINK1, LINK2. Especially the 2nd one was interesting, which was about emotionally (un)available men. I'm getting pretty stiff (no pun) reactions to some of her writing, like "don't waste your baby-making years on those kind of men", and "remember, you don't belong to any single man", while at the same time advocating marriage as the one and only path... but, I digress. Honestly, ignoring the bs, she had some good points and it is true that I have some very real limits to my "emotional availability", or vulnerability. I like to talk about meaningful stuff and emotions in general, like fears and whatnot, but idk.. there's this.. if I feel conflicted or put on the spot, or like I don't know, I'm not 100% sure where I stand on this issue I close up, fast. Its some mixture of shame (not being good enough + men are not supposed to be weak), fear of being exposed (both vulnerable and "found out"), anger (get off me, mind your own business), and who knows what. What happens at this point is try to keep it all in and, in effect, I'm pretty much frozen on the spot. I think I've been like this since I can remember; there's always something about me or what I'm doing that I feel I need to hide. Shame. Has smt to do with my mother, I guess. Ha.
I have a feeling now on the new OGSF and maybe EPRHA, a new "battlefield" for me will be on this emotional openness front. Oddly, it feels slightly like approaching/women did at some point, long ago, like "hmm, I wonder if I can do that?". Positive, cautious, expectation. Though I do want to run either the new DAOS+BIATBWS or SM3 this summer, because summer is when all the dating and such happens here.
The mltr has been showing signs of being on OGSF, too, but she's only been exposed for a few hours a week. Interesting. Its kinda weird how similar, yet polar opposites we are. Btw, we were out and she was saying about some guy, how he tries to act all loud but "authority doesn't fit him at all". So then later on at my place, we were lazily laying in bed (clothed), and for some reason I was sitting on top of her and had her hands locked above her head, me leaning on them, and I had to ask: "so, do you think authority suits me?". She kinda smiled and looked down and to the side, saying "I don't know.. but you do have some authority over me, at least. ... I don't think its anything you do, but it just is. You don't let me do whatever I want.". Cool
Btw, at some point I found I was watching porn again (masturbation, but never O, just entertainment), so I decided to do 30 days off any porn to see if its an issue. Its now 8 days remaining, and I'm 100% confident I'll make it to 30. Hasn't been that hard. Anyway, now I'm going to watch the video on Sarge's signature and that DOES NOT COUNT!
I'm fine, nothing too shocking. Though a lot of thinking has been going on and I'm feeling.. less obsessed/cornered about everything.
Ah, now that I remember, it seems any PE I still had has disappeared. Won't be missed. I meant to post that in earlier posts already.
As for realizations, I happened to read THIS great post by Stratos. Since then, I've been taking some breath, clearing my head, and looking at the landscape of my emotional state; seeing if there's anything I'm ignoring. If there is, I'll focus on it, let it amplify and just be with it, process. At a minimum, I'll do this every night when going to sleep. Surprisingly there's been a lot of sadness coming up. I'll have some weird situations where I'm laying bed, focusing a sad feeling, which, as it grows, tenses the muscles in my face, neck, jaw and eyes to be very much like I'd be crying, but I'm really I'm feeling fine on the inside. As the minutes go by, those muscles might even start to spasm so my whole body moves on its own. Eventually, in 10-30 minutes, it'll all release and I'll feel much better. My experience in the last days has been that I can listen to the sub more, and feel about it, if I clear the resistance in this way once in a while. Often I don't even feel bad, just a little off or tired, but then when I really look there will some small, nasty feeling that I'm avoiding. Though once you start magnifying it, you sort of need to see it to the end. I was out and I had this tiny tension that I magnified into a great panic that was a little difficult to get rid of while out with my friends.
At about the same I read several articles from some women's dating site: LINK1, LINK2. Especially the 2nd one was interesting, which was about emotionally (un)available men. I'm getting pretty stiff (no pun) reactions to some of her writing, like "don't waste your baby-making years on those kind of men", and "remember, you don't belong to any single man", while at the same time advocating marriage as the one and only path... but, I digress. Honestly, ignoring the bs, she had some good points and it is true that I have some very real limits to my "emotional availability", or vulnerability. I like to talk about meaningful stuff and emotions in general, like fears and whatnot, but idk.. there's this.. if I feel conflicted or put on the spot, or like I don't know, I'm not 100% sure where I stand on this issue I close up, fast. Its some mixture of shame (not being good enough + men are not supposed to be weak), fear of being exposed (both vulnerable and "found out"), anger (get off me, mind your own business), and who knows what. What happens at this point is try to keep it all in and, in effect, I'm pretty much frozen on the spot. I think I've been like this since I can remember; there's always something about me or what I'm doing that I feel I need to hide. Shame. Has smt to do with my mother, I guess. Ha.
I have a feeling now on the new OGSF and maybe EPRHA, a new "battlefield" for me will be on this emotional openness front. Oddly, it feels slightly like approaching/women did at some point, long ago, like "hmm, I wonder if I can do that?". Positive, cautious, expectation. Though I do want to run either the new DAOS+BIATBWS or SM3 this summer, because summer is when all the dating and such happens here.
The mltr has been showing signs of being on OGSF, too, but she's only been exposed for a few hours a week. Interesting. Its kinda weird how similar, yet polar opposites we are. Btw, we were out and she was saying about some guy, how he tries to act all loud but "authority doesn't fit him at all". So then later on at my place, we were lazily laying in bed (clothed), and for some reason I was sitting on top of her and had her hands locked above her head, me leaning on them, and I had to ask: "so, do you think authority suits me?". She kinda smiled and looked down and to the side, saying "I don't know.. but you do have some authority over me, at least. ... I don't think its anything you do, but it just is. You don't let me do whatever I want.". Cool
Btw, at some point I found I was watching porn again (masturbation, but never O, just entertainment), so I decided to do 30 days off any porn to see if its an issue. Its now 8 days remaining, and I'm 100% confident I'll make it to 30. Hasn't been that hard. Anyway, now I'm going to watch the video on Sarge's signature and that DOES NOT COUNT!
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
