Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[Greenduck]

It feels like I am starting to realize that there is something profound to knowledge. I have done 5 years studies in the university and in some way I just made it through, without really being interested in what I was learning. I'm starting to understand that there is a fundamental value to learning and how rewarding it is to understand things for yourself, rather than just learning to pass the exam. I guess it's a combination of things but self-esteem and self-worth involved in it.

It's almost got a spiritual dimension to it, it's knowledge that we as a human race have gathered over the years and now passed on to my generation. That's really amazing.

[Greenduck]

I am becoming a better person. Not like I have been a bad person by will before, but it wasn't in my nature to be a giving and loving person, that's all. I didn't had it in me. I tried to make people to like me, look up to me, love me, etc. That was just how I though that things was. But I at the same time felt that I was different, like I didn't belong or didn't deserved to be loved for my true self, so I did all those things to make up for that I was "unlovable". Truth is I didn't know who I was, I had problems letting that guy forward and meet others other than being drunk. I feel how I am becoming more authentic, more giving, and less involved in getting others to like me, I know can be myself and still get liked, I am not perfect, but I am me and I'm deserving of love. As a consequence I see relationships with people I am friends with or have been acquainted with before is improving. They are starting to be able to meet me for who I am, and contrary from what I believed, they like that guy. My defences is getting less and less needed as my self-esteem is growing.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

That's really great Greenduck! Great for you!

[SaltyMeatballs]

Well done, good work! Sounds like the self-esteem module is working nicely for you.

[Greenduck]

Thanks both of oh. Yes this is really nice. It’s like I’m discovering a whole new way of being, able to face the world with my emotional self rather than going around having to compulsively discredit things and people just to make myself feel worthwhile.

[Zane]

This type of progress almost took me 5-6 months even when I am on USLM3 along with SSRIs(Severe 10/10 OCD)

LTU really is powerful.

[Greenduck]

Yes LTU is powerful. I have a hard time to compare it to something else, the results from E2 I was in a different state, and E2 couldn't actually help me. But just 3 months with LTU and I'm almost back in business and if you say my results are comparable with yours in the double of time, LTU is indeed powerful.

Another interesting fact is that I'm not as sensitive to worry from other people. Previously my mothers worry could really spill over to me, she is always worried about finances and she expect other to be too. So when I was weakened by my own worry and distress her worry got to me and what worrying people sometimes want (at least regarding to her somewhat narcissistic worry which seem to be based on that she want to be in control) is that she want other people to accept that the worry is "real". Because otherwise it's a "you-problem" and not a "our-problem". And she is as I written before reluctant to take ownership of her own emotions.

Anyway - I'm more able to stay grounded even when she comes worrying and telling me how bad the situation is. I stay with my own grounding and don't get as much dragged into the constant "worst-case-situation" as she tries to convince other people of (unconsciously i believe).

I also started to work on a little invention I have and did a 3D model for it today. My ability to make things happen seems to improve and this being an indication of that.

[Greenduck]

Just sat down having breakfast with my mother. Before, I could feel her irritation and her will to make me give her attention. If I sat down and read the newspaper as I usually do, she would just get furious (I am serious) because that was "ignoring her". But today I sat down reading and could almost ignore her stupid reactions and need for attention, not in a way of ignoring her at all, just minding my own business and having breakfast. Previously there would have been much anxiety in this, and I realize that I have disregarded my needs in favor of hers a long time. Nice to see this change.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Great job man!

[Greenduck]

I'm am feeling more and more able to relax into my body and get over the anxious feeling that is still there from my PTSD. I can say it's maybe 20 % left, from 80 % when I started LTU 3 roughly months ago. However I'm still not in full contact with my body, i.e. with an active root chakra, which I notice in signs of insecurity, stress, fear and a lack of interest in life in general. I am working on it with root chakra meditation and TRE-exercises with progress.

I still feel blockages in my sacral chakra wish is shown in a lack of sensory pleasure like eating, etc but it's slowly opening up with the help of breathing exercises. My solar plexus is still closed and it takes helluva work to open it, I'm working with cold showers and wim hof breathing, it's a slow progress, but progress. It shows as a lack of sense of self, lack of self-confidence and lack of sex-drive.

My heart chakra is still not open, but it's getting better. I'm still isolating myself and have problem connecting socially with others naturally. My throat chakra is slowly opening, have had some throat pain and when I jawing i can feel the tension release. My third eye is closed as I have problems with nighmares, my crown is also closed as I have problems with feelings of confusion, problem seeing the bigger picture. Both of them are opening with the help of the lower chakras, I've learned to work my way from bottom up and I'm sticking to it as it seem to work.

Otherwise I am enjoying working out, other than the last 2 weeks where I have been sick. Looking forward go get better and be able to running and go to the gym again.

I'm a bit over 180 days without porn or masturbation. Have been tough at times but I am overcoming the habit, which I have notices have been very deeply rooted in my as a way of dealing with anxiety.

Grinding on.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Maan 180 days of noFap, that's impressive. I salute to you sir!!!! I can't even get to 30 days.

[Greenduck]

Maan 180 days of noFap, that's impressive. I salute to you sir!!!! I can't even get to 30 days.

Thanks man! Just be wiling to face whatever comes up when you deny the brain the satisfaction of it fully and you will get used to it more and more and work up your ability to decide for yourself what to do.

Btw. A situation have just resolved with my family's finances. We were looking for an extended loan on our house to have money as a buffer, and have been looking with numerous banks but all denied it due to my parents have a bit special situation. It isn't a high risk customer for the banks, but the bank clerks were just not willing to look at the situation a fair way. Anyway I have helped and this have really been a pain in the ass the last 4 months. I got the idea to contact one of my old bosses from when I worked at the bank and he helped us get in contact with a new clerk. Today they told us that the loan will go through. A big relief and my dad was in tears because of how relieved he felt, it was really nice to se that as I know he have been tensed about not having a buffer of money to lean back into if something would happen. Part my own ability to connect with other people in the past and ability to make use my network, and maybe some luck involved, who knows?

[Greenduck]

I have a feeling like I never knew who I was. Like life have just felt like a movie, not like the real thing through my life. Like I wasted the opportunity to develop myself. Like so much of my life have been wasted. I know other members also have written about it, so it's probably the sub at work. Maybe the letting go of the past, things that are healing from my past that's now coming to surface. I stick with the feeling and let it play out, knowing that it doesn't really matter what I have missed, only what is in front of me and what I can do with my life.

I want to connect with people. Make people laugh. Have good times. Be loved. Love. Be attracted to others, become attractive myself. Experience the excitement of taking on challenges in life, challenging myself. Be present. Cry, be vulnerable, take risks - and LIVE. I feel it's coming. It's something down under that's happening and I feel that I am close to tears. I want to be me, and I want to be proud and happy about being me, and knowing what that means.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I have a feeling like I never knew who I was. Like life have just felt like a movie, not like the real thing through my life. Like I wasted the opportunity to develop myself. Like so much of my life have been wasted. I know other members also have written about it, so it's probably the sub at work. Maybe the letting go of the past, things that are healing from my past that's now coming to surface. I stick with the feeling and let it play out, knowing that it doesn't really matter what I have missed, only what is in front of me and what I can do with my life.

I want to connect with people. Make people laugh. Have good times. Be loved. Love. Be attracted to others, become attractive myself. Experience the excitement of taking on challenges in life, challenging myself. Be present. Cry, be vulnerable, take risks - and LIVE. I feel it's coming. It's something down under that's happening and I feel that I am close to tears. I want to be me, and I want to be proud and happy about being me, and knowing what that means.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I let SO MUCH of my life pass me by, but what I got is what's in front of me, not what's behind me. So I'm practicing the SAME DAMN RIFF to Thunderkiss '65 over and over again each day until I hav it down pat, then I get the rest of the song, then Black Sunshine, then a few more White Zombie songs, then I get to Metallica. That's the plan: Slowly, but surely. One thing I've learned from this website is whatever you choose is what you get. I choose to become a musician, come hell or high water, even if I'm already pushing 30 and I'm just starting, and all I can do right now is one riff, and I can't even do that well yet. I'll get there, slowly but surely.